MadhouseLive

Nougat

26 Mar 2014 · 2 h 23 min · 19,760 words

Calls (27, 1 h 35 min of 2 h 23 min)

  1. Amtrak automated agent then live agents (Thomas Train) live 5.6 min clip ↓
  2. St Marys Basilica - God bless you live 53 s clip ↓
  3. Arizona Capital Museum, gift shop, Phoenix Art Museum line live 5.3 min clip ↓
  4. Heard Museum, shop and bookstore live 3.3 min clip ↓
  5. US Airways Center and reservations IVR live 5.7 min clip ↓
  6. Peoria Sports Complex and clubhouse - Robinson Cano live 3.6 min clip ↓
  7. Lucky Man Productions voicemail voicemail 1.0 min clip ↓
  8. Christ Church Lutheran - Jennifer live 2.0 min clip ↓
  9. Desert tour peyote burial and Intl Reservations live 4.5 min clip ↓
  10. Phoenix Zoo monkey house - Cindy live 5.0 min clip ↓
  11. San Diego Resort Getaway - recorded line live 2.6 min clip ↓
  12. Parking lot hot boxing bit live 1.2 min clip ↓
  13. Phoenix Fishing Supply - nougat bait live 4.0 min clip ↓
  14. Indian restaurant order - chicken tandoori live 1.8 min clip ↓
  15. Callback abuse thread live 2.1 min clip ↓
  16. Hotel and Casino Reservations IVR ivr 1.5 min clip ↓
  17. Angry caller callback - parking lot live 1.1 min clip ↓
  18. Central Reservations India - Motel 6 Super 8 live 7.0 min clip ↓
  19. UK prank playback - Mr Johnson David Snozzwell playback 2.8 min clip ↓
  20. Lost German Shepherd Fancy and the vet live 10.1 min clip ↓
  21. World of Warcraft and Indian callback live 2.1 min clip ↓
  22. Craigslist flowers and straw bales live 3.3 min clip ↓
  23. Parking lot callback and riding lawnmower live 3.0 min clip ↓
  24. VA hospital wallet arc - Scott live 10.0 min clip ↓
  25. Indian guy callback live 48 s clip ↓
  26. Walt Disney World job line and HR live 3.5 min clip ↓
  27. Dumbass Security Society and Johnson callback live 2.3 min clip ↓

Transcript

what the fuck is the movie motherfucker yeah you motherfucker
you're listening to madhouse live live i'm the largest station in the nation
prank call nation okay i am carlito with laugh track matt and laugh track bass
Hey, hola.
Hey.
And we are here.
I am Carlito.
As I said already once.
Let me turn that music down.
Sorry.
I am Carlito.
And we're here to do some print calls.
I've got some frozen grapes.
Oh.
I'm frozen.
Oh, man.
I've never tried that before.
I was on some website and it had top ten things to taste better when they're frozen.
And one of them was grapes.
And I was like, I have grapes.
I'll try it.
It's good.
I've only ate one grape my whole time.
Oh.
Really?
Yeah.
How's that possible?
You're American, aren't you?
Yeah, but fruit's a vegetable.
Oh, man.
You're missing out.
You got to get some frozen grapes.
Yeah, I got some black seedless grapes.
I think I'm going to throw some in and give it a try in an hour or so.
I threw the whole bag in the freezer.
I was like, fuck it.
And I took it out.
I had to wash them so they melted a little bit because I had to wash them.
I should have washed them beforehand.
But then I was like, they're going to stick together maybe if I wash them, you know?
So, yeah, you got to wash them, then dry them.
freeze them yeah it's quite a process you know yeah but it's worth it man i'm telling you it
does taste better yeah the other thing it said it was um peanut butter cups i've never tried
frozen i've had them oh yeah those are frozen now yeah um i've had snickers bars and such but
i never thought yeah i think you know what i think what tastes good is a three musketeers
frozen nougat frozen i don't know well actually i don't think nougat freezes that well it might
get really hard like overly the traditional three musketeers don't have nougat do they i don't know
i think they do i thought that's what it was it was chocolate nougat and something else that's
why they called it three i thought oh yeah you're you're right i think so i love nougat nougat's my
favorite you're a nougat i'm a nougat your face is a nougat i like your mom's nougat your mom's
the cunt nougat um i'm looking at phoenix arizona you should work in the word nougat
into a prank today somehow that's a hard one but okay sure it's yours with some fucking nougat
they're done yeah challenge a cop
worst challenge ever bad sorry crescent here's a ballroom a ballroom what do you do in a ballroom
other than dance around let's find out new chat by myself again by yourself track station i can
use my new train whistle on them oh yeah taking it after seven days what the hell just happened
to my music the record's given what that was about i hope that doesn't keep happening okay
it's an 800 number so maybe it's a national call center i'm not sure but we'll try if it is anyway
Anyway, that works.
As long as someone picks up, we've got a chance.
You're just going to do the train whistle?
Yeah.
And talk about nougat?
I'm going to talk like a retarded kid.
Hi, I'm Julie, Amtrak's automated agent.
Hey, Julie.
Para continuar en español, oprima el seis.
This is going to be...
Sorry, please say introduction, train status, schedule.
Sorry, I still didn't understand.
Penis.
I think you said you want to talk to an agent.
Is that correct?
Oh, yeah.
Maybe there's something else I can help you with.
No, motherfucker!
Motherfucking bitch.
You bitch.
Sorry, I didn't understand.
You can save existing reservations.
Amtrak allows up to two carry-on items,
as well as personal items like purses, laptops.
Okay, all right, fine.
We'll just be nice.
That's how it should ring.
Amtrak's automated agent.
Agent.
You said you want to talk to an agent.
Yes.
Is that correct?
Yes, yes, yes.
Maybe there's something else to help you get you the right information.
I need to know what you were looking for to pay for.
Agent, agent.
I think you said you want to talk to an agent.
Is that correct?
Yes.
Okay, I'll transfer you to an Amtrak agent.
Finally.
Your call may be recorded to ensure quality.
Hold on.
God.
If your call requires further assistance,
please call while we transfer your call.
Thank you.
For me to just be there.
All of our reservation sales agents are currently assisting other customers.
Streamers, your call is very important to us.
Please hold, and your call should be answered in approximately...
Because I've already waited for so long.
Yeah.
All that time...
Seriously, from what I had planned for this call, this is way too much.
M-Shack, this is Amy.
How may I help you?
Wow, really?
Are you a person?
I'm a person, yes.
Oh, my God.
Do you guys have a high handle time today?
I haven't looked lately.
Is it...
Does it wait really long?
Do you have a cue time?
High cue?
Do I have a what?
Do you have a high cue time?
High cue?
How could we help you
Was it a long wait
Yeah it was long
It was so long
I want to stick to that
I want to talk about it for three minutes
Because I had to hold for three minutes
What can we do for you
I'm being serious
It's a lot of talking on hold
It doesn't have any music
I heard like three seconds of music
For three minutes of holding
Oh you're kidding
Anyway what I was calling about
Was because I'm a train
I'm a train. I'm a choo-choo train.
Let's be serious. What were you actually calling about?
I'm a train. I'm a train.
I'm a choo-choo train.
Okay, I'm going to release the call and see if this is going to be a prank.
Yeah, this sounds like a prank, so I'm going to have to release the call.
I held for so long. Come on.
No prank.
No, no. I have a ticket number.
I have a ticket number.
Okay, what were you calling about?
I'm a train. I'm a choo-choo.
Okay, I'm going to have to release the call now.
because this is a business, and this is my job.
I'm not going to mess around.
My name is Thomas.
Uh-huh.
Thomas Train.
Were you calling about a reservation or anything?
Yes.
Yeah.
I'll put Baz on the line.
He has a question.
Seriously.
Okay.
Yes, ma'am.
I apologize for that.
You know, we had the long wait time, and he's frustrated.
He's just blowing off some steam, literally.
Okay.
Yeah, this is a business, and, you know,
we have to move on and get to the other guests.
So what can we help you with?
I understand.
Yes, I have some questions about the amenities on your trains, damn it.
Okay, which train were you talking about?
Empire Builder.
The Empire Builder, okay.
Yes.
You wanted to know some menu items?
Seattle, yes.
I'm on a restricted diet, and I cannot eat anything that has nougat in it.
Anything that has what in it?
Nougat.
Gluten?
Nougat.
Like in a candy bar?
Absolutely.
Absolutely. No nougat. Nougat bad.
Okay, I'm releasing the call now.
No, no, no. I'm going to buy five tickets.
I'd say we call him back, but fuck that shit. That was fun, though.
Yeah, it shows you like three minutes of your life back.
My name is Thomas Trey.
That was great. I was just hoping we could eek a little bit more out of that since you waited so long.
Yeah, well, we tried.
All right, back to Phoenix, Arizona. Zoom in on the city.
Oh, I got requested pranks, too.
Well, we can call a church.
Let's see if we can get a nun on the line.
All right, it's fun.
I'm going to do my joke where I ask about labia at the church, and they don't know what it means.
Those Burns and Noble pranks about the dividers.
That was funny.
Good morning.
St. Mary's Basilica.
Lucy speaking.
May I help you?
God bless you.
Hi, God bless you.
Hi, God bless you.
Can I help you?
Thank you for saying it back.
Why didn't you want to say it?
What's wrong?
I'm sorry.
I just wasn't expecting anybody on this line.
Oh, I could be Jesus, you know?
You could.
How can I help you?
Oh, do you have a nun there?
No, I'm sorry, we don't.
Motherfucker.
What do you guys, when is your service?
Oh, God.
She's mad because I said God bless you.
Matt, you talk to her.
You're crude.
I don't know if he's back yet.
Oh.
He went to get a beer.
He took his time.
They're not answering.
Here's the Arizona Capital Museum.
I wonder if we could break shit.
Yeah, excuse me.
What a couple with a baseball bat.
Yeah, actually, we can bring a pail of rocks.
Or, I don't know, like crowbar or something.
Yeah.
Or can we borrow the keys to the display cases?
All good ideas.
You have reached the Arizona Capital Museum, located at 1700 West Washington Street, under the Copper Dome.
Sorry, I'm trying to hear your call.
I didn't even say please wait, I just said wait.
There may be a silence transfer.
Arizona Capital Museum.
Hey, how are you doing?
I'm Thomas Trank.
What time are you opening?
Yeah, what time are you opening until today?
We're opening until 4 p.m. today.
Nougat!
Ma'am, I was wondering, do you have a gift shop at your museum?
Yes, we do.
Yes, I was wondering, do you sell...
Would you like to speak to them?
Well, ask...
Let me ask Thomas.
Thomas, do we want to speak to the gift shop?
That is a yes.
Two whistles is a yes.
Arizona Capital Museum store.
Yeah, damn it.
I was wondering, do you sell buckets at your gift shop?
No, we do not.
Oh, okay.
I guess I'll have to bring my own bucket in.
I'm going to bring in a bucket of rocks.
Uh-huh.
Yes, because I like to throw things at the display cases.
Uh-huh.
And I forgot my bucket at home.
Is there a Fred Meyer or a Walmart nearby at which I might purchase a bucket?
I don't know where the closest Walmart is.
Yeah.
Yeah. Here, talk to Thomas. He's got a message for you. Thomas?
That's Thomas Train.
Uh-huh.
He said, pleased to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know where there's a close Walmart.
Yeah, okay. Because I know that there are rocks surrounding your museum lying about that I could collect.
No.
Like pebbles or small stones.
Do you have things we can throw at the display cases that we can buy?
Nope, you would be kicked out of the museum if you did that.
Yeah, I know that part, but before that, we'll get a few shots in.
Mm-hmm, I doubt it.
Matty's bringing his baseball bat.
Hey, do you sell batteries?
No, we don't.
Come on.
Do you have spark plugs?
No, I'm sorry, but I can't help you.
Motherfucker.
Motherfucker.
What about shot glasses?
She was about to hang up, so I said, motherfucker.
Those are all objects that fans throw at Yankee Stadium.
Batteries, spark plugs, shot glasses.
And thank you for calling Phoenix Art Museum's 24-hour information line.
Please make a selection from the following menu.
Do they really need the 24-hour information line?
It's 3 in the morning.
No?
No.
They didn't even listen.
Thank you so much for holding.
How can I help you?
I said no when you asked if I could hold.
I'm sorry?
I said no when you asked if I could hold, and you said, oh, thank you, and you put me on hold.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
I had to put you on hold.
I had someone here in person.
I couldn't put you on hold.
I wasn't able to hold.
Okay, how can I help you?
Well, I wasn't able to hold.
Do you understand what I mean?
And you still put me on hold?
Sorry, it's just I'm very busy.
How can I help you?
Oh, there are a lot of people there?
Yes, and I have other five lines ringing right now.
How can I help you, please?
Am I the fifth line, or is that four lines, other four lines that are, you know what I mean?
Like, am I the sixth or the fifth line?
I'm sorry, I'm going to hang up if you continue, if you don't ask me.
You brought it up that you have other five lines ringing.
Not me.
Okay, what are your hours?
Oh, she hung up.
Never mind.
Thank you for calling Phoenix Art Museum's 24-hour...
I guess they do need 24 hours.
Wait while I transfer your call.
They got five lines.
We didn't know when you were open.
I guess we're going to hold.
Hello, and thank you for calling
Phoenix Art Museum's 24-hour
information line. Please make a
selection from the following menu.
How can I not hold? I should be able to hold
if she's on the line.
Come on.
She's not picking up.
Phoenix has a lot of
museums, man. Here's another one.
This is
the Herd Museum. As in you heard
something.
I'm gonna say
Herd? You mean like a herd of cows?
No, more like I heard you
Oh, okay, gotcha
Like head with an R
You have reached the Herd Museum of Native Cultures and Arts
If you know your party
One moment, please
Herd Museum
Herd Museum, how can I help you?
Yeah, that's the Head Museum?
Yes, this is the Herd Museum
Head Museum, awesome
And you guys got nice examples of head
No, herd
I know you heard me, yeah
I'm saying his head.
No, it's the Herd Museum, not the Head Museum.
Oh, I thought it was like the Oral Sex Museum, you know?
Like sucking a dick and eating a pussy, you know, like head.
No?
No.
I'm a train.
Nougat, can you transfer me to the gift shop?
Hold on one moment.
Thank you.
Calling the Herd Museum shop.
How may I help you?
I heard you.
You did?
Yeah.
I heard what you said.
Yeah, I heard that.
I heard that.
What did you hear?
Do you have Nougat there?
I'm sorry?
Do you have nougat there?
Any candy bars or nougat?
No, we don't.
This is a museum shop.
Yeah, I know, but you have candies and snacks sometimes.
Stupid.
Oh, well, we occasionally have some native snacks in our bookstore.
Do you want me to transfer you over there?
The bookstore now?
What is that?
Is this like jerky and shit?
Yeah.
Okay, put us through then.
God damn it.
Shit.
All right, here you go.
Hurry up.
And you still didn't figure it out?
Good morning here at the museum shop.
I heard you.
I heard.
Okay.
I heard what you said.
What did I say?
You said a very bad thing about the book and the girl over there in the gift shop.
I most certainly did not.
In the gift shop.
Yeah, you did.
You called her B-I-T-C-H like that.
Not me.
Sorry.
Well, I'm going to tell her.
Well, I have another customer.
Do you have snacks?
Do you have snacks there?
Oh, you should.
We got the strangest bunch of phone calls.
I know.
It's been really wacky so far.
And we're blowing the train whistle and saying nougat a lot.
okay i'm uh getting a message from jose oh no he says to send a shout out to everyone who has
been found in the indian ocean no one's been found now did they did they find something they
found objects i thought what's he talking about did they really think i don't know i don't know
i saw they had found like 100 something objects uh now 122 objects in the ocean
as much as 75 foot long
and appear to be solid.
There you go.
So I don't know what he's talking about.
Unless he means bodies
or he's just being gross and nasty.
That's mean, Josie.
Mean Jose.
He's like, shout out to nobody, motherfucker.
That's why I ride the train.
Train just fucking escalated.
It went up?
Yeah, I heard that.
Yeah, I saw the video of it.
Wow.
Wow, that's fucking L-Train.
You ever been on the L-Train?
I'm sure you have, right?
Yeah.
A lot?
You ride it a lot?
No, I don't do anything.
Shut it, man.
Yeah, that's right.
If you had to go to work or something, maybe.
Yeah, that'll be the day.
The day I have to take you to go to work.
I barely went to work when I could drive.
Yeah.
Probably expensive, too.
But if you live in the city, you're straight up in the city, right?
Yeah, yeah.
All right, so, cool.
You're not in the south side, isn't that the bad side?
It's like two blocks away from the Sears Tower.
Well, whatever.
The Willis Tower.
Nice try.
Yeah.
You guys still try to call it the Sears Tower like you're cool and all.
Like you're stuck in...
Well, I just...
I'm used to it.
I'm stuck in the 80s.
Yeah.
You know, well, it just seemed right calling it the Willis Tower.
Yeah, I guess.
Who is Willis, anyway?
I don't know.
Some other company.
Thank you for calling the U.S. Airways Center located at 201 East Jefferson Street, Phoenix,
Arizona.
To reach the U.S. Airways Executive Offices, please press 1.
U.S. Airways.
Please hold while I transfer your call.
Oh, no.
I was going to tell them train is better.
Good morning, U.S. Airways Center.
Yeah, train is better.
Good morning, U.S. Airways Center.
Yeah, you guys are an airline.
No, we're not.
We're the sports center.
It's like a big arena for basketball and concerts.
But train.
You want the 800 number for the airline?
Well, I need to book a flight with you.
We're not the airline, sir.
I need tickets.
You guys sell tickets there, right?
It says ticket box.
We sell tickets for a concert and basketball.
Exactly.
I think, personally, the train is better.
Because they give you candy bars and nougat in the train.
Oh, is that right?
Do you want the number or not, sir?
Well, I already have the number.
I'm talking to you.
Stupid woman!
Put a man on the phone.
I want to book a flight to ecstasy with you.
I'm going with the challenge.
I'm going to use Nougat as much as I can.
I'm going to try for once a call.
There's a Nougat challenge.
The Nougat challenge on Madhouse Radio.
All you got to do is say Nougat.
Thank you for calling the U.S. Airways Center located at 201 East Jefferson Street, Phoenix, Arizona.
To reach the U.S. Airways Executive.
Please hold while I transfer your call.
That's a Nougat show.
Good morning, U.S. Airways Center.
Nougat.
Hello.
Yes, good morning, U.S. Airways Center.
Yes, I'd like to book two tickets on the flight to Indiana, please.
Okay, well, this isn't the airlines.
This is a U.S. Airways.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hold on one moment, please.
No, no, don't transfer me.
Thank you for calling.
Your call is very important.
We'll ask the airline for tickets for a game.
Let's build something great together.
Be there for all the action in 2013-14 as a six-man member.
Join the Phoenix Suns family for the 2013-14 season.
The sixth man.
Hey, they ripped up the Seahawks.
Twelfth man.
Become a member today at MySixthMan.com.
The official website of U.S. Airways Center is USAirwaysCenter.com.
Visit USAirwaysCenter.com for up-to-date events and concert announcements and ticket information.
Follow us on Facebook and Twitter for the latest event news and information.
Follow us at Facebook.com slash USAirwaysCenter and Twitter.com slash USAirwaysCenter.
Thank you for holding.
Are you ready for the number?
okay uh yes 1-800 here thomas will take the number 1-800-428-4322 all right so the number is
got it thank you oh perfect hey baby
fucking god whatever yes
everyone we call is so fucking super busy today man
The merger between U.S. Airways and American Airlines is underway.
If you would like to hear details about our merger, please press 1 now,
or press 3 to be connected to the U.S. Airways reservation system.
I hit 3, motherfucker.
Thanks for choosing U.S. Airways.
All may be reported and monitored to ensure high-quality service.
In a few words, please tell me what you're calling about.
I ain't talking to somebody, motherfucker.
I don't want to talk to you, asshole.
you understand what i'm saying you understand that okay to get you to the right place please
tell me what you're calling about get information tickets sex masturbation you're calling about
reservations is that right yes which would you like to do make a new reservation talk to somebody
talk to a person that's what i want to do sorry which would you like to do make a new new sorry
i'm having so much trouble yeah i'll get an agent on the line to help you but before i transfer you
one last question if you're calling about flights within the u.s or canada press one if not press
two thanks please check tsa.gov for the latest information on carry-on items note that under
federal law passengers are prohibited from bringing hazardous materials on the aircraft no
shit you can find more information at usairways.com slash hazmat for the past 20 years that's been the
case thank you for reminding me all u.s airways sales representatives are currently assisting
I like thinking about how Nougat came into the thoughts of everybody today.
Talking about the frozen grapes and the freezing candy bars.
Whatever, I bet the three most tears is good with the Nougat.
Yeah, here we are using it at every call so far.
We got to keep it going, man.
Organize your trip and much more.
What?
The nougat thing, man.
Oh, I'm happy.
I'll do it.
I'm all nougat.
I'm all nougat all the time.
I like to take that nougat and put it down my pants to get it all warmed up.
Yeah, warm nougat.
You could say you're taking a trip to somewhere and then say that you're going to a factory.
And that's making nougat.
I had to get a new lava light bulb today.
You actually burned out your lava light?
You used it that much?
Yeah.
Wow.
Your lava lamp, I should say.
Yeah.
It's got to be like a really hot bulb, I'm presuming, right?
Yeah, because all the heat's trapped there.
Damn.
It's not that.
It's just that it's trapped.
you know yeah yeah yeah it just heats up that liquid it makes bubbles yeah well it heats up
a coil in the liquid oh there's like a metal coil that if that thing gets like
off kilter yeah like then the shit won't heat up i used to have a black one that thing was
sitting like sideways and i kept like trying to shake it just right to get over there
a black lava lamp
that's interesting
it was cool man
yeah
I dated a girl once
when I was in high school
I dated her
and she always wanted
to fool around
but she wanted
the lava lamp on
for mood
and I was like
that's fucking stupid
she bought it
at Spencer's Gifts
she's like
oh it's so cool
she used to burn
she used to burn
incense all the time
yeah
sounds like a cool broad
she was kind of cool
but she was real
real clingy
I fucked with
the lava lamp song
Jesus
You stare at the lava lamp
And you're like
No
I just had them on
I've always had
Multiple lava lamps
You're really into lava lamps
Yeah
I like like
Trippy lights
I used to have like
Disco light in my room
That made fucking colors
Like go all over
Like rolling colors
I used to like
Just drop acid
And stay in my room
Wow man
Take a trip
And then I would fucking watch those Beyond the Mind's Eyes, those old computer-generated, uh, like, videos, just, like, different CG back in the day, old VHS cassettes of that that I actually purchased.
Vice has a cartoon that came out this week that, um, it's, it's an animated short.
Oh, with the, with the little guy, the little brother in town or whatever.
And they're doing acid and shit, it was really funny.
Yeah, no, they did it with shrooms.
Oh, with shrooms, yeah, with shrooms, you're right, you're right, you're right.
What was it called, Xenotown?
Yeah, that's where they used to say they went every night.
Yeah, and they were just going on a trip in the woods.
It's true.
Speaking of Vice, did you see their documentary on the Syrian Civil War?
Yes.
Yeah, I've seen it.
That is some harsh shit.
Yeah, the Congo one, the one on Central African Republic, they just finished it last weekend.
And you can watch the whole thing in one now.
It's pretty good.
Oh, the new one?
Yeah, the new one, yeah.
I've seen, I think I'm missing like two parts.
Yeah, the Ukraine one, that guy that looks like KDK.
He's fucking pretty cool, man.
He's got balls.
Oh, I don't know who KDK looks like.
Yeah, but you know what I mean, that one guy with the glasses.
I know of him.
I always hear you motherfuckers talk about him, but I've never listened.
He does look like KDK.
Basco, look at you.
I think I've talked to him one time.
Probably at some point.
You called him on a Saturday, yeah.
That's on the Vice.
Vice, yeah.
He's like the dispatch out in Russia right now.
He's been out there since the Sochi Olympics.
He went to the Sochi Olympics, and then he went to Ukraine to cover that.
He's there right now.
We're still holding for United.
Damn it.
Yeah, we're just a little...
I'm already over it.
Now I'm invested.
We'll do another prank in the meantime.
Sorry, guys.
Invest in the nougat.
Yeah, I put the Peoria Sports Complex.
It's the spring training facility of Mariners and the Padres.
Okay.
It's right outside of Phoenix.
All right.
If you just scroll up a little bit and chat.
That's their number?
Yeah.
I don't know what we can say.
Peoria.
All right.
You can tell them that we got hit by a line drive foul.
Fucking one in the afternoon, crack on my third beer.
Just crippled getting drunk off the government's dime.
You're welcome, Matt.
My tax dollars at work.
Thank you for calling Tauria Sports Complex.
Can you hold, please?
No.
You cannot?
No.
What can I help you with?
Well, do you need to go?
Is that what's wrong?
Something matter?
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, what's up?
What can I help you with?
Nougat?
I'm sorry?
You guys have the spring training baseball there?
We do.
Yeah, well, listen.
I was going by, and a ball came by, and it landed right at my feet.
What the fuck, man?
Excuse me?
I was going by, and a ball, a baseball, landed right by my feet.
Like, right in front of me, in front of my feet.
What the fuck, man?
Who did it?
I think it was Robinson Cano.
Yeah.
Get a home run.
Can you transfer me to him, please?
I can give you a telephone number for the clubhouse if you'd like to call there.
The clubhouse?
Okay, yeah, sure, whatever.
All right, motherfucker.
That's impolite.
I know.
Goodbye.
I think that was the point, yeah.
I knew it.
Is the one place still un-fucking-old?
Yeah, yeah, I'm waiting.
Jesus.
So it's actually the clubhouse, huh?
Yeah, great.
Ask for that guy, whoever it is.
The baseball player.
He's the new, the Mariner's new second baseman.
Sorry, the person you are trying to reach does not have a valid voice mailbox on our system.
Goodbye.
That sucks.
At least we got the number.
I'll try it again.
Let me tell you how much he got signed for.
Let me just look this up real quick.
Hey, if you figure out when the...
Well, spring training's over, right?
No, it's one more week.
Yeah, hello.
Hey, is Robinson Cano available?
No, he's probably on the way to the game.
I'm playing on the road at 12, so he's probably there.
Okay, yeah, he told us to call him.
We're going to meet at the Barnes & Noble's for some action.
What are you talking about?
For some what?
For some action.
For some action?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
Well, you know, the gay men meet in the restrooms at the bookstore.
He asked for his stuff.
He told us to call him here.
That's awesome, dude.
You could get a hold of him.
If he called, if he would have called earlier, it probably would have been the only time.
He's on the road.
Okay, let me tell you how much this guy is making.
A lot.
They signed him to a $240 million 10-year contract.
Jesus, fuck.
He's taking $24 million a year.
He's set, man.
He's set like fucking A-Rod.
He's a big deal.
Yeah.
He's hitting like over 600 in spring training.
Save that number.
Yeah, I've got to save that.
It's only good for another week, but.
Deserve the extra mile.
Yeah.
And the Padres are there too, so.
Oh, there you go.
You're still going to be fucking with people next year.
I heard the Dodgers are fucking nuts now.
They got a higher payroll than the Yankees.
What the fuck, man?
That's something.
Yankees, people always say, oh, Yankees, all they do is buy massive contracts for players.
And apparently the Dodgers are up to something crazy now, salary-wise.
Here's a place called Toverer Castle.
Yeah, there's a castle.
And we're still on hold with U.S. Airways.
The only airline that's ever lost my luggage?
U.S. Airways.
Fuck them.
Never happened in my life except for them once.
When I was on my way to a wedding.
Not my wedding, thankfully, but a wedding.
Hello, and thank you for your interest in Torrey Castle at Carraro Heights.
You have reached Rick Carraro's Spidey's recorded information line.
Fuck you.
What was that place?
What? A castle?
Yeah, they have tours. Let me see what they're about.
It reminds me of that. I was watching Borat
when he's in his hotel room and he's going,
King of the castle!
That's one of my favorite lines.
He's like,
look at me, I have a chair!
Do this, do that.
King of the castle.
He was easily impressed.
That shit was really funny, man.
Yeah, you know it's back on FXX.
Basically, FX2.
It's the second FX channel.
They signed a contract with them
with Sacha Baron Cohen,
and they brought back all the old episodes
plus the ones in Britain that were never
released in the States. They're showing those here now.
Oh, yeah, I've been watching those.
Yeah, it's on FXX.
But apparently he's going to be doing a new show after these air.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, I don't get that FX, but I've been downloading the torrents.
There you go.
You're a pirate.
Hi.
Hey, this is Michael Cedar in Lucky Man Productions.
tonight we have
umphys mcgee
mcgee
um
please hold
while i transfer
your call
thank you
buy them today
buy them
say it
umphys mcgee
listen to a
rogan podcast
and hannibal burris
was talking about
open ends
for that band
one time
really
yeah
i haven't
i haven't heard
rogan in a while
you have reached
this message
we are either
on the other line
or helping a customer
please do not
leave a message
here for what
will not be answered
it will not be
answered
Whoa, that's not bad.
Damn, dude.
It needs the clank noise after that.
Yeah, straight up.
Clank?
I don't have it in front of me, though.
I can't.
But, yeah, I would.
I would.
Listen to the broken broadcast.
It's like fucking three hours at a time.
Yeah, it's been a while since I have.
I've been behind on my podcasts.
Anyway, hey.
I got none of the time, buddy.
Christ Church Lutheran
I was born in Christ Hospital
Thank you for calling Christ Church Lutheran
And Christ Lutheran School
Office hours are Monday through Friday
7.30
Christ Church Lutheran
And Christ Lutheran School
This is Jennifer
God bless you
Hello
God bless you
Thank you
Good
You're not going to say it back to me?
Well God bless you too
How can I help you today?
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, I'm eating a nougat candy bar.
It's really good.
We notified.
Is that your friend?
Your what?
Eating a nougat candy bar.
I don't have anything like that.
No, I am eating one.
I am right now.
Okay.
So what can I help you with today?
I'm on a hold with U.S. Airways to book a flight, and they're really taking a long time.
Are you sure?
David N. Miles.
Are you sure?
Do you hear them on the hold?
Your current status will be extended through March 30th.
I don't know if you've called the correct number.
Who are you calling for?
Christ Church Lutheran.
Okay.
Yeah.
And who did you wish to speak with?
What was your name?
My name is Jennifer.
Yeah, well, Jennifer.
How can I help you today?
Which way can I direct your call?
I'm bored.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I can't help you with that.
I want to kiss you all over your body and lick on your clitoris.
She's like, gross.
She's going to be at home tonight with her lame husband.
I got the most obscene phone call today.
He was talking about the airlines kissing me all over.
This fiend must be stopped.
This fiend.
Yeah, you guys do the voyages into the desert machine.
Do the what?
Do you guys do voyages into the desert machine?
How much you value them?
Into the desert machine?
Yeah.
Or do you do voyages into the desert?
Yeah, the desert machine.
Sure.
What are you looking to do?
My dog, Haas, passed away, and it was his last wish to be buried in the desert alone with his brethren, like his animal brethren and stuff.
Hey.
Hi.
How can I help you?
Yeah, hi.
How are you?
I'm good.
How are you today?
I need to book a flight for Phoenix versus New York.
I need to book tickets for Phoenix versus New York, Nick's.
Phoenix Suns versus New York, Nick's.
I'm sorry?
I need a book of tickets for Phoenix.
Okay, I can't book Nick's tickets.
Only book flights.
Holy shit.
Yeah, but they said I could book tickets through you.
This is the U.S. Airways Center that they're going to be playing at.
No, this is International Reservation.
Yeah, I understand that.
Yeah, yeah, any one of the international people call the reserve tickets for the game.
Come on.
Come on, shit, damn it.
Come on.
Nougat.
Oh, yeah, also, yeah, I need.
Oh, you got it in, Elise.
Thank God.
I was just biting my tongue.
They got to say nougat.
They got to say.
Oh, shit.
I guess we won't call there again either because, fuck.
I held that long for that.
Shit.
let's call back the guy about the desert machines he seemed more promising than us air yeah just
tell him hey i got a product may contain cancer stickers all right kids too oh we gotta tell this
guy oh shit i forgot yeah do you guys allow nougat candy bars when i go on the trip yeah what do you
allow nougat candy bars when i come on the uh the trip on one of the bookings like oh yeah okay i
I don't know if you had allergy-sensitive requests or anything like that.
Not usually.
Okay, yeah.
So anyway, my dog, Haas, he died, and his last wish was to be buried in the desert.
So I wanted you guys to be my guide, and we're going to go out into the desert,
and I'm going to bring a tent, a few gallons of water, some hot stones,
and we're going to light a fire inside the tent and get all in like a sweat tent, you know?
Hmm, yeah.
Yeah.
And Matt's got some peyote and poppers.
We'll take those and we'll sweat it out in there, you know.
We'll start seeing fucking shit and all that.
And then we come out, then we have the ceremony.
We bury Haas in the desert and we'll put the hot stones around him, you know.
Right.
Yeah, man.
Nice.
Yeah, so hi.
All right.
Well, yeah, just let me know what date you guys are looking for.
This weekend, motherfucker.
Let's see.
Nothing this weekend.
and maybe next week?
Okay, next week, sure.
Okay.
Yeah, is there peyote just growing out there and shit
that we can just cut down?
Yeah, yep.
I needed a credit card from you guys.
For the peyote?
That's just gross.
For the trip.
Okay.
One, nine, four, uh...
We're just getting up.
Oh, shit.
I really was.
Did you try your poppers yet, Matt?
Yeah, I just hit them right now.
He was like, Matt's got peyote and poppers.
And I was like, alright, I do that
I guess I do
Alright, cool
I put the number for the Phoenix Zoo
Ooh, yeah
See what their poppers policy is
Maybe we can feed Nugget to the monkeys
Oh yeah
Nugget and poppers
Yeah, ask if you can get Matt
Ask if you can get poppers to the monkeys
Okay
I just want to do poppers and watch the monkeys
I'll try, I'll try
Are you sure it's safe for you to be sniffing stuff
and you've got brain lesions?
You've got brain lesions
and you're sniffing?
Yeah, hey, this is
David. Can you transfer me to the monkey house
please? Okay.
Post haste. Okay.
Okay.
Anybody in particular you need to speak to?
Sorry, can you say it again?
I couldn't hear you.
Your phone is breaking up.
Was there anybody in particular you need to speak to?
Yeah, we would like to speak with a monkey or the monkey tender.
You know the black guy there?
Yeah.
No, I'm afraid you don't have anybody.
I don't even think there's a phone over there.
In the monkey house, there's no black people.
Imagine that.
Also, can we feed nougat?
As long as we get it in there
While we talk to them
We're okay
Oh I had 8 not 0
Oh shit
Oh fuck
I hit the wrong number
I'm watching CNN live and there's a big
Big orange penis being lulled into the water.
Why?
They're covering it live.
I don't know what it is.
But it's in a very small window, and I can't read what it says.
I think it says Louisiana.
Golden Meadow, Louisiana.
And it's like this big orange dick that they're lulling into the water.
Why would they do that?
Oh, yeah.
I don't know.
If there was a giant underwater pussy.
Satellites.
I don't know.
What would they be doing?
What the fuck is it sounding like?
If they're going to go.
They're going to let the geese near the pups.
Yeah.
Why are they doing this in Louisiana?
Are they stupid or something?
Okay, we're going to look in Louisiana.
Someone has a theory.
We'll practice first for a couple days in Louisiana.
Someone has a theory that it's in Louisiana.
Thank you for calling the Phoenix Zoo.
How to Espanol a plane as soon as all trains.
If you notice, it's transferring you to the Phoenix Zoo.
According to this, Ted Turner has a theory that the plane crashed off of Louisiana in the Gulf.
Yeah, he's paying for it.
Are you a member of the Phoenix Zoo?
Did you know a zoo membership was paid for itself after two or three visits?
If you're already a member, thanks for your continued support.
I'm making that up.
That's not true.
Our not-for-profit, non-tax-supported zoo could not exist without you.
That'd be funny, though.
Ted Turner.
I know it's there.
You know Ted Turner smokes a joint every day?
Phoenix Zoo, this is Cindy.
How can I help you?
Yeah, I wanted to feed the nougat candy to the monkeys.
You want me to transfer you over to the monkeys?
Yeah.
How about the nougat?
I don't believe you have the right place.
Are you sure you're calling the Phoenix Zoo?
Yeah, I'm calling the Phoenix Zoo,
and I fed Three Musketeers nougat candy bar to one of the monkeys,
and he kind of laid down and held his stomach a little bit,
and I got scared and I ran away, but I want to tell them that I did it.
I don't know if it does something to the monkey.
Maybe they have a nougat.
They can't process nougat.
He ate the whole fucking thing
He's fucking crazy
Okay well we have the police here
So they are on their way over to go
To check the monkey
Can they check the monkey
No where you are at
Cause you're laughing and I can hear someone else laughing behind you
I'm not laughing
And that is not right
That's mad
Yeah we were smoking drugs in the zoo
It's just to have more fun
Thank you
It's more fun that way
You should do that at San Diego Zoo
I punched the monkey too
oh that's great
you should have jumped into the tiger exhibit
wow
that would be stupid
you're going to feed me lions like a Roman would a slave
like a Roman would a Christian
is that what you're trying to say
thank you you guys have a good day
bye bye
I'm thanking my monkey right now
fucking Jewish zoo
we're smoking
smoking drugs matt and we got all loopy you might want to do that hey monkey eat this candy bar oh
shit the monkey's like oh you should call the san diego zoo and say the other zoos said they
had a pro drug smoking policy yeah actually they did say that all right san diego zoos are nice
Zoo, I think. Isn't it one of the nicer ones?
I don't know. Yeah, it's like one of the
world-class zoos. San Diego
Zoo. Let me get a number here. There's a
pretty nice free one in Chicago.
Chicago Zoo? Lincoln
Park Zoo. You should call the Toronto
Zoo in Sydney, Australia. That's one of the
world-famous zoos. Did you say
the Toronto Zoo in Sydney?
No, Toronto. You did say
Toronto. Thank you for calling the
Wealth Resort. This call may be recorded for quality
assurance. Uh-oh. Please wait while I
I transfer you. Oh, that's San Diego
Zoo Package Resort
Getaways. What the fuck? Oh, fuck.
What a bunch of scammer scams.
That's how they get you. You know what?
I'm going to call them. Let's call them first.
Bring up Nougat and then tell them that I'm pissed off
that they came up
scamming the system. Thank you for
calling the West Resort. This call may be recorded
for quality assurance. Please wait while
I transfer your call.
Good morning.
This is Iris at the San Diego Resort
or a getaway on a recorded line, how may I help you?
Yeah, listen, thank God that I got a hold of you.
Listen, I was at the zoo, and me and Matt were at the zoo,
and we were smoking drugs, and we had, like, a bunch of candy bars and stuff.
For one, we got the munchies and Cheez-Its,
and then I was feeding Cheez-Its to the monkeys, and they really liked it.
And then I gave one of them one of those nougat candy bars, you know,
like a Three Musketeers.
And the monkey was like, oh, like that.
and he laid down and put his hands on his belly.
You said that you took drugs in the San Diego Zoo.
Is that what you're saying?
No, no, no.
I gave him a candy bar, the monkey.
I gave him a candy bar.
You gave the monkey a candy bar full of drugs?
No, it was the three musketeers.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
Well, sir, this is the San Diego Resort getaway on a recorded line.
Yeah.
Okay.
I wasn't exactly sure what you were looking for.
Oh, well, I was looking up San Diego Zoo
and you guys came up. Motherfucker.
Why?
Okay, so you didn't realize that you called
the San Diego Resort Getaway on a recorded line?
I'll tell you what.
I put in
San Diego Zoo on my Google phone
and you came up with the first phone number
and you're not even the zoo on a recorded line.
Well, I'm on a problem search at Google
at Google Customer Service for the zoo
pertaining your concern.
Google's a recorded line, too.
And so is this phone. I'm on a recorded line.
Thank you. Have a great day, sir.
I'm going to report you.
How about your recorded line?
Do a...
Thank you.
...talk about...
Yeah, she's got a point.
Maybe I shouldn't be saying that I'm giving...
...hurt in the animals.
All right.
It's a big day, yo.
Everybody recording the line.
Everyone's busy and recording lines today.
And the NSA is recording it, too.
There's so many recordings of this right now.
She can't bring it up a recorded line.
Recorded line.
Yeah.
Like, that was supposed to...
You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
When the grand jury hears that
They're going to have my ass
Baz, can you
Can you Mixler this on the Madhouse account
So I can explain
Like Bill Mann's in the chat room
He doesn't realize there's a new Mixler
Hold on, let me
Do that real quick
Sam will cast me, at least for a little bit
So it'll be recorded
It'll be recorded
On a recorded line of a recorded line
Over to the line
that's also being recorded all right town and country i don't know what they sell there
they're right next to the shoe shop remember tnc yeah yeah yeah what were the um what were
the surfing uh wristbands or the skating wristbands i used to have one of those was a gns
yeah yeah well gns there were gns straps i remember you could get they were like these
straps i don't know what were they they were supposed to be for surfboards i could have sworn
i don't know oh maybe like so if it hurt it'd be like ankle strap yeah but people used to wear
them on their arms all the time on their hands i used to have two i had a green and hey motherfucker
what's up hello yeah town and country yeah do any of these places have nougat candy bars in them
pardon me do any of these places have nougat candy bars in them i'm in the parking lot right now
You see me over here?
Or I'll honk my horn.
No, we're the management office.
I'm not sure what you're looking for.
Yeah, me, Matt, and Baz.
We're here.
We're hot boxing in the car.
We're smoking pot and a lot of weed.
Yeah.
She's like, no, you're not.
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
The nougat thing continues.
So far.
It hasn't been every call, but every play.
It's still funny to me.
Good morning, Town and Country.
Do you see me out here?
or I'll honk my horn, huh?
Honk all you want.
I don't see you, and I'm not going to see you.
Are you not at the parking lot?
You're not in the same plaza?
I would think the management office would be in the plaza.
I'm in the mood for pancakes.
I wish you could order pancakes for delivery.
Oh, that sounds good.
But you can't.
I don't know anywhere.
I like that Edith's dad calls pizzas immigrant pancakes.
Okay.
Phoenix Fishing Supply, yeah.
We got a website. Are they really?
No, they don't.
Their posted website is something
that makes no sense.
This website's under construction.
No, not even.
Like, GIF.
Hi, boss. We're simulcasting now.
Yeah, just got the notice on the old iPad.
Good afternoon, Petey. Fishing?
Good afternoon. How are you?
Fine. What can I help you with, sir?
What is the best fishing line
to strangle a wild munker?
For what?
Strangle a wild munker.
Uh, bring your, bring your reel in, we'll get, we'll go, uh, what are you fishing for
also?
Nougat candy bars.
Pardon me?
Nougat candy bars.
Okay.
All right.
Motherfucker.
Hey, does that make good bait, nougat, nougat bait?
Yeah, supposedly.
I'll probably catch you with it, you fat fart.
Supposedly, that's like a thing you talk to that.
You're a funny guy, man.
Come on in and we'll talk.
Hey, hey, hey, I'm an expert fisherman, I'm a master baiter.
I figured, okay, come on, come up with a better one than that, we've heard all these.
I want to know if the fishermen are really talking about the nougat.
Hey, I got one, guy.
I really am.
I got time to get this around.
What was it?
What was it, motherfucker?
I'll suck your dad's dick.
That's something that came up.
Nougat.
You there, buddy?
Sexy boy.
Morgan Spurlock has a new show on CNN.
Ah.
I'm watching the commercial without the music, the audio.
I liked his whatever.
Tonight at 10.
30 days.
Yeah, he's on CNN now.
Tonight at 10.
I'm going to have to watch that.
Phoenix Fishing?
Yeah, let me try one.
One good one, okay?
Hey, did you hear?
Hey, you're coming in all fuzzy right now.
Did you hear?
Hello?
Your line's all broken up.
Did you hear?
Hello?
Did you hear about it?
I can't hear.
Your line's all broken up.
We've got a bad connection.
Fuck you.
You fucking liar.
You fucking motherfucker.
You smell like tuna.
No good.
Thank you, baby.
Try him again.
Maybe it'll be a better connection.
Yeah, he's lying.
You got some kind of good fish joke?
He's lying.
I forgot what I was going to...
I was just going to say something crude.
Did you hear?
Phoenix Fishing.
Did you hear?
Yeah.
Oh, I won't give my number out.
Oh, shit.
Oh, is that really your callback number?
Nope.
Nope, nope.
That comes up as someone else's number.
I'm spoofing.
Good afternoon, Phoenix Fishing.
Don't do that.
Don't give out the number like that, okay?
Hey, you hung up on me, man.
I know, but don't just.
What are you doing?
Don't just.
I got a store full of people, guy.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Oh, you're busy, too.
Oh, so many people fishing this time of year, I bet.
Let us talk to a customer.
Put a customer on the phone.
Okay.
We're calling from corporate office.
Do we have a service?
So what can I help you with?
Come on.
We're calling from the corporate office.
About nougat.
All right.
I'll go buy.
Motherfucker.
That's some complaints.
See, I told you.
Everyone's busy today.
Yeah, but the economy's turning around, man.
Apparently in Phoenix, this is booming.
Yeah.
This is off the chain.
Yeah.
Hey, I put a couple of Indian restaurants in Phoenix.
Oh.
All right.
They seem like they get angry just once.
One's pretty cool.
Stands up, and so I kind of lean.
I like your loops.
Thanks, man.
I'm going to work out that name.
I'm doing the same thing.
Yeah, I wanted to make an order.
Can I have your phone number?
Yeah.
You ready?
Yes.
One chicken tandoori.
What's your phone number?
Oh, fuck.
Really?
I got to give it to you?
Hang on.
Hang on.
Got it.
Yes.
Okay.
One chicken tandoori.
Full.
What's your name?
Cross.
Again?
Cross.
Yeah.
Okay.
One nougat.
What?
Nougat.
What the fuck is a nougat?
You don't have nougat?
Okay.
I'm sorry if you don't have it.
I'm sorry.
One benchod.
Oh, you want benchod?
Go find your sister.
Yeah.
Bring your madarchod over here.
I'm going to chod her right in front of you in the restaurant.
Come over here and do that.
Show me, motherfucker.
Oh, I'm doing it now.
You can't do shit.
I'm doing it now.
I'll give your mom poppers to loosen up her asshole.
Is this a madarchod?
Oh, yeah.
Mother.
Mudder.
Mudder Chaud, yeah.
Hear that?
Fucker.
It's the end of the chocolate getting poured over.
He got mad about Nougat.
He was like, what the fuck is that?
What the fuck is that?
What the fuck is that?
How do you talk to a customer in business?
Have you ever had any trouble with Skrlito?
Uh, yeah.
Hello?
Hello?
Nougat!
Hello?
Nope.
Yes, I have.
i have and i know you and brad at the same time sometimes skype goes through and audits shit i
think and maybe they hit you guys for some reason they're like these people are going way too much
yeah but then again this account that i use i don't i only log into it when i do a show really
so maybe that helps out with it yeah probably yeah that might help out so i would say that you
maybe you guys just keep a personal skype account and then have another one for
pranking that's what i do it's been working for me since the last time i got banned like
three years ago or two years ago well yeah because brad's got the whole asterisk server
thing going on he's basically his own pbx now and he's got a pretty good thing going on so he uh
but that's that's different level yeah if i if i get it when i get a house i'll try to do that
because then i'll have the space i'm in a really small space right now but when i have my own place
i'll try to do that i'll get a new machine and i'll see if brad can help me out i'll do the
VoIP thing might be a good
alternative probably the best idea
you know because someone wants to
trace you or something and probably have to
well I don't know then you'd be the one getting subpoenaed
yeah yeah
honestly what I also think I think Skype
and Microsoft might have a pretty good deal
with law enforcement
where if they get a complaint
about a Skype call they
really they just shut it out really quick
that might be why too
they might have changed those rules
so i don't know yeah they might just be fuck it just kill it yeah and then you can't even call
and yell at anybody you're a type of idiot yeah and it's like no no i remember one day i was like
you are very bad at your business you're stealing my money i'm so hot angry it's bullshit man when
they do that they seem to do it whenever you buy new credit too that's what happened to you
You, Brad, and me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm out of 30 phones.
I need to ease out 60 or 70.
I was on 40.
Wow.
So they take your order and then ban you.
Yeah, I just got...
They just banned me from...
Yeah, what happened?
You guys were rude to me?
What happened?
You guys being rude over there?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah?
So?
I'm over here.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way now.
Fuck you.
Yeah, that's exactly...
What's going to happen when we get there?
Yeah, we're going to feed you nougat.
force feed you nougat
you're too pussy
to come over here anyway
I'm on my way
I said
get your ass over here
then
shut up
I'm in the parking now
I'm in the parking now
smoking drugs
what
I'm in the parking now
come outside
motherfucker
no come in the kitchen
motherfucker
fuck you motherfucker
you have knives
you're cheating
fucking Indians
he's in the kitchen
like a lady
that's for women
in the kitchen
what
that's for women
in the kitchen
that's the problem
with Indian men
they're pussies
you're cooking like a woman
cleaning and everything
clean the toilet
like a monkey
fuck you
white boy
you bet he chode
seeing a redneck
ass over here
motherfucker
you owl
yeah
you son of an owl
son of an owl
yeah
he is not the
blood of his father
your mother
I chew at you
I fucked your mother
like a dog
from behind
and she gave birth
in the streets
like a dog
that's it
that chapter
he sounded way too
like he was
just leaning like yeah whatever whatever fucking white boy man then he was kind of on the verge of
just losing it too yeah i'm trying to poke maybe the next one will push him over the edge all right
let's try it let's put that to the theory theory to the test i should say the tipping point
matt you can do it oh i think i'm crazy wait a minute that's not the same number is it uh no
No, it's not.
Oops.
I think it's 8181.
Yeah, hang on.
It's this one.
So there, I just can't call the phone.
I'm going to take my shoe off and throw it at you.
Oh, screw it.
Parking lot, crap.
Yeah, we're in a parking lot.
Come on, motherfucker.
For some reason.
It's a very busy day.
Yeah, he just said that.
For some reason, I thought you'd go to the elevator.
I've got to get an elevator.
You're right.
You have to do an elevator call.
Yeah.
You know what?
Let me try to get the elevator phone line.
you know the elevator working elevator lines you can call i used to have one never i've found one
that would answer but i whenever i'd call it only the first time i tried to do it i actually got
someone on there elevator phone prank it was that i had to save someone there was one time the first
time i called it and some girl was in it she's like oh i'm sorry hit the button i think and i
was like no no there's a gas there's a gas leak does someone fart in here and she's like oh my
god and like she left so i could find it i'm looking i'm looking i'm looking bear with me
I think it was off of a post in the PLA forums.
I could have sworn.
Yeah.
I don't know how,
if those numbers are still good.
I tried calling a bunch of those elevator numbers.
Most of them aren't,
but a month ago.
Yeah.
Most of them aren't,
but I,
the one that I tried,
it did work because I could hear it working,
but no one was talking back at me.
You can access the phone lines.
Okay.
Hang on.
All right.
Supposedly this isn't a hotel.
See if this still works.
Don't forget we've got to bring up Nougat.
Get that out of the way, man.
General Hotel and Casino Reservations Department.
Please listen carefully to the following options.
For general hotel information, please select one now.
I need extensions.
To review, update, or book an individual reservation, please select two now.
Sorry, I did not recognize your selection.
Please select from the options provided.
Please listen carefully to the following options.
For general hotel information, please select one now.
To review, update, or book an individual reservation, please select 2 now.
To reserve a group of 10 or more rooms, please select 3 now.
If you are attending a group or convention and need to book a reservation, please select 4 now.
Ari, I did not recognize your selection. Please select from the options provided.
Alright, forget it. Never mind. I gave up.
Someone was calling in from that area code. Someone was calling us back.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I didn't put it through, though.
let it go to all this back i can see what it's all about oh that angry indian guy
yeah it is it is it is it is it is shit yeah hi did you call me from this number yeah i called
you where you at motherfucker i thought you were outside yeah they're not here waiting that's my
i'm honking my horn matt tell them where we are we're in the parking lot by that one uh
truckie thing yeah did you hear the horn want to fight son of owl
He actually went
into the parking lot looking for us.
It cracks me up to no end
that they're so enraged.
They're just
holding the carless phone
out in the parking lot.
Are you up, motherfucker?
Where are you at, motherfucker?
Just screaming to nothing.
Oh, man. Okay.
I had a hotel I wanted to try.
Where'd it go? Hotel?
Oh, shit. Let me try to search for it.
Typed it on the wrong computer.
Yeah, that happens when you're fancy.
Dual computers, yeah, it's my fault.
I got the Madhouse chat running.
Another one, another, my little netbook here.
Yeah.
All right, I got two other computers I could have up and running too, actually.
Oh, I can't play this.
This is the end of the show song.
I know that track.
Is that MF Doom?
Hooray, this is Pete.
How may I help you?
Yeah, it's MF Doom.
Hey, do you guys have candy bars there, right?
Like nougat bars?
Um, sorry, sir?
Do you guys have candy nougat bars there for the guests?
In what city and state, sir?
Phoenix, Arizona. Where are you?
Are you in the call center machine?
Sir, um, actually you're calling from the Central Reservation.
You're fucking stupid.
I'm sorry, sir, but the call, um, here's, uh...
The gears are turning or a little, fuck.
Please hold on. I'm going to transfer you to the Phoenix, Arizona.
okay sexy okay oh you're hot your mom hey we're here now he called you a pussy man
i don't want to fight an indian did he call him or did he call you he called and i added him to
the conference he's still looking for him i'm waiting to be transferred
Why is all the aggression coming at me?
Because you laugh, that's why.
They're like, fuck you for laughing, motherfucker.
I'm going to fuck you up now.
I'm going to nougat you.
Yeah, hey, nougat head, how are you?
Okay, is there any particular location?
Yeah.
Is that in East Van Buren?
In the back door.
Yeah, East Van Buren.
That's the one.
Okay, that's 6823.
so what transfer us transfer us motherfucker yes hello
you're calling the the central reservation sir that's why i'm giving you the word central
reservation in india for you to check for the hotels are you in india you speak tagalog um no
Are you a Filipina?
I'm sorry, sir, but we are not allowed to say...
Do you have a peck-peck?
I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand you.
The peck-peck, you know, do you have that?
I'm sorry, sir, but...
In case of a fax, we ask you to let us know that you're not a voicemail system.
So you need to press 1 to take this call.
Okay, I'm not hearing any...
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
What do you have, pussy?
Yeah, pussy, what do you have, pussy?
Motherfucker.
This is shit.
Sir, if you're not going to stop for saying those words, I'm going to release this call in ten minutes, in ten seconds.
Fuck you.
Fucking pussy.
Okay, bye, sir. Is there anything that I can help you with?
No, don't go. Don't go yet. I've got an angry Indian man.
Oh, nougat boy hung up.
Yeah, he hung up.
The man was angry because we stuck a nougat candy bar in his ass.
And it got stuck.
It got stuck on there, yeah.
Matt tried to pull it out, and it was painful because of the peanuts sticking out.
Yeah, the coat hanger was all, got all, cut them.
It was a whole thing, you know?
Coat hanger, little hook.
He's irate now.
He keeps calling us back all the time.
Hello, ma'am.
Are you there, honey?
Don't be scared.
All right, whatever.
We'll protect you from the angry man.
I'll let her go.
She's had enough.
I like that Indian dude.
He's just calling back in a curse.
It just scares us out of random.
Where are you, pussy?
Where are you, pussy?
Oh, shit.
That was good.
I liked that.
I got the number for the place she was trying to transfer us to, but couldn't figure it out.
Oh, dude.
She wanted to be transferred?
Yeah.
And then just give you the number?
Yeah.
Then said she couldn't talk to us.
Hey, boy, how are you?
Fine.
That's good.
Is it nice and clean over there?
You got nice, clean hands?
Yeah, because I want you to feed me nougat in my room.
some candy bar with nougat i want you to squeeze it in your hand like shit and smear it all over
my face and my beard and put it in my mouth okay yeah are you from india are you bancho
i need bancho bancho oh sir sir i think he's a colored man are you colored oh stupid
smeared in my
He had to feed Swanson Nugent.
Same phone, Super 8.
Smeared in my beard.
You know what?
We got caller ID.
You want to call the police?
What's the number, motherfucker?
For the Nugent call.
Okay, all.
I'm waiting.
Okay.
I'm flaunting in your face.
You can't trace shit, motherfucker.
Come on, trace me, bitch.
Do it, boy.
I'm going to take a piss while I'm waiting.
Okay, I guess he's...
He's like, whatever.
Nugent, Nugent, Nugent, Nugent.
Nougat, Nougat, Nougat
You Tracer's yet, motherfucker?
You think a Tracer can stop me?
Ah!
Alright, enough of him
It's really ridiculous, I'm really ridiculous
with this shit today
Nougat and a train whistle
Fucking get it
Whatever
I'm in tiny chat now, I can see you
Oh yeah?
It's fun just to be stupid, you know?
Yeah, like Matt
look at this shirt carlito let me see let me see
and he's wearing a skateboard that says suck my deck nice suck my deck
being as well to suck my dick and she's all pixeled out how cool is that i like that where'd
you get that online obviously but we're like some uh maybe karma loop or something uh you
You got a Christmas tree and a turkey.
And then a poop on the Christmas tree.
All right.
Cool, man.
Did you see you Brad made these for me?
Yeah, I heard that he had sent those to you.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's cool.
I want one of those.
I love Matt, too.
So I got to get one.
I can get it.
He sent me many.
I'll give you one.
All right, cool.
We'll do it.
All right.
I'll buy them from him anyway.
All right.
I'm done with that Motel 6.
Let me go ahead back into the...
I want to call Barnes & Noble.
I want to do some of those again.
Baz.
Yeah, those were fun.
and noble yeah what time is it three did i started what time did i start my time one right
one ish so i've been on for two years yeah let me let me go stretch out oh shit the indian guy's
calling and well let's get him on the line and then then i'm gonna take a break hey boy we're
out here okay whatever all right i'm gonna save that cat's number just because he's fun
to talk to he's not super angry though not yet this is kind of goofy okay so i'm gonna take a
break i'll be back in about five minutes okay i'm gonna go uh unleash the lizard real quick
in the bathroom and i don't know what else i'll do get some water more water should do it on there
no god you do that i can't yeah i know i'm too embarrassed to do that it's like oh they can hear
my penis no i don't want that yeah yeah you were talking about can you tell a small cock is but
the sound of the piss can you i don't know you were saying that when i was pissing i'm like oh
man maybe you can't all right i'll be right back guys you're gonna play some shit yeah i'm gonna
play some shit yep yep you guys will be able to hear it you should be i'm gonna take a piss too
all right all right anyway we're just talking about during the break matt's walking over there
good feeling man feeling good man i used the treadmill yesterday for the first time uh since
Since I broke my ankle on January 5th.
I told you I was.
Really?
I was like, I'm doing all right.
Getting on the treadmill.
It totally just fell.
And then I'm like.
Oh, man.
Getting like.
Whoops.
They had a fight.
I bet they were freaking out.
Holy shit.
It was just in my mind.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, Baz, we got seven listeners on the old Madhouse feed that aren't aware that we've
made a change.
Oh, man.
Baz is.
All right.
so best of simulcasting on the madhouse mixer i would hope this is well for tomorrow's madhouse
nightly show that'll be the last time we go on the madhouse mixer so we'll retire that tomorrow
night but if you're listening hey man come on if you're listening to us on mixer on the madhouse
not the prank call nation one there's been a change the network itself is now prank call
nation the website is prank call nation.com madhouse is just a show so madhouse is still
here madhouse live.com still exists but for the network itself if you're one to tune in on mixer
you need to be you need to add the account prank call nation on mixler that's the main one uh baz
maybe you can put a comment in the i did one okay so people know okay good good good good good so
just warning i hope you're paying attention if you're not listening maybe you got another sound
in the background i could do something to get your attention i guess train whistle yeah well
Well, I've been doing that all day.
By now, it's like crying wolf, right?
All right, how about I play the emergency alert system?
I'll do that.
There's a 1980s version of it.
Let's take a break right here.
We'll continue with more on Newsmakers in just a few moments.
This is a test.
For the next 60 seconds, this station will conduct a test of the emergency broadcast system.
This is only a test.
All right, you motherfucker, if you're listening now, there's a new Mixler account, and it's Prank Call Nation.
All right, are you paying attention now?
stupid prank call nation yeah you the guy at work scrambling to turn it down maybe that worked
here's loud goat noises too yeah we'll play this too that's a scary ass sound man anyway um
the announcement anybody who's using the mixer account as after a thursday night show that's
the madhouse mixer account is going to be banned forever from everything i'm just telling you you
You love your my house.
I've got a number for an angry old guy in Sheffield.
Unk and I were on late last night just making some UK calls,
and we called this guy, and he got really upset at us.
I don't know if you want to try calling that later.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Were you in that conference last night?
Because I was going to join the conference.
I poked you and all that.
No, it was too late for that.
Cool Rob was hosting it.
Cool Rob was hosting it, and he wanted to add me,
but didn't realize he had me blocked.
blocked so i kept trying to do join and it kept saying you're you're blocked by this
user like all right whatever hey you're like whatever cowboy i don't know what i do yeah
he's fucking he's the shit he's a hot mess that guy i love yeah hey uh do you want to hear that
i've got a two minute prank um you want to hear that prank we made to that guy in the uk
yeah two minutes yeah sure you want i'm gonna play it right now i'm gonna play it all right
let me mute or stop the music here hello coming through yep hello uh mrs johnson yeah hi this is
hang on pause it pause it pause it how are you doing this morning you paused it yeah for some
reason i'm not no no no you're good you're good this is the guy's calling hey motherfucker okay
hey hey tough guy all right sorry all right start playing i just want to make sure we got i want to
see if he talked yeah sounds good actually yeah keep playing hello hello uh mrs johnson yeah hi
Hi, this is David Snozzwell.
How are you doing this morning, ma'am?
All right.
What do you say?
My name is David Snozzwell.
I'm an American traveler.
Yeah.
I've just landed.
Put my hands up and down.
Yes, please.
Hello?
Hi, Mr. Johnson.
Yeah?
Hi, this is David Snozzwell calling.
I'm calling to confirm that I will be at your residence in 30 minutes,
and I hope you'll have my bedroom ready for me.
Hello?
Yes.
What are you on about?
What are you on about?
I was talking with your wife online yesterday
and I told her that
I was traveling to the United Kingdom
and she said
I don't know what your game is
but don't bother turning up here
I'm staying with you
sir please
shut your mouth and listen
you are not coming here
I'm already on my way
shut up
I'm on the cab right now
I don't care what you've got
you can have a free time
to come in here because you don't belong here.
This is a private house.
It's a private house.
You are not staying nowhere.
If you come here, you'll be going to the hospital
because that's where I'm sending you.
Hey, you pillock.
You listen.
You listen to me.
You listen. Shut up, Big Ralph.
You shut up, Big Ralph.
You penis.
Yeah, I'm going to Roger you in the...
Holy shit.
That was brilliant.
yeah we made a whole bunch of calls and they were all pretty much duds but then this guy just
fucking went off this guy keeps calling his number this guy keeps calling in and he keeps
not saying anything hey motherfucker or whatever i'm not gonna answer anymore unless he says
anything he can leave a voicemail yeah the tracing machine is getting uh closer and closer
or...
He just needs to ping the line
every now and then.
I'm trying to get a lock.
We're trying to get a lock
on him. Keep trying.
Hey!
Hey, faggot!
Go right over here.
Let me call him.
Hello, stupid Indian restaurant.
He's busy because he's calling.
What the fuck?
I think he just thinks
he's disrupting me constantly.
So he's like, I'll show him.
Okay, anyway, do you guys want to call Lost German Shepherd, or is that too mean?
Oh, you can do whatever the fuck you want, man.
The dogs need to eat nougat, too.
Yeah, we'll say we fed it nougat.
Started phobic at the mouth.
Too much nougat.
Time we seem like we discuss what we're going to talk about.
They don't seem to pick up.
That sucks.
Really.
I guess it's just a jinx on prank call.
Yeah.
You need to just call shit
Not even like what's this
It's true
That's why I don't plan my shows or anything
I never do
Well you know I don't
I don't have shit
I might gather a few numbers
I'm going to just sit
And go for whatever
Lonesome has sent me
Hey honey
Did you find dog?
Did you find fancy?
Hello?
Did you find Fancy yet?
Did you find the dog?
Yeah.
No, she's at the, I'll be right in.
What?
She's at the vet in UT.
Oh, you know, because I think I saw her yesterday.
When did you, you lost her like two days ago, right?
Yeah, we found her yesterday morning.
Yeah, yesterday morning I fed her, I fed this German Shepherd, black German Shepherd on Lone Oak Church.
I was trying to get it to come to me, and I fed it a Nougat candy bar,
a Three Musketeers with Nougat.
Uh-huh.
And it started foaming out the mouth and going crazy,
and she started, like, she went into the dirt
and started, like, scooting around in the dirt really weird.
And she was like, woo-woo-woo-woo.
Did this dog have a black and red collar?
Yeah.
Okay, and you put a one-up?
I fed her a chocolate bar with Nougat, and I guess then I found out
you're not supposed to feed dogs chocolate.
It was like a seizure.
she was like and she was like throwing dirt up in the air and on her back and all that she was like
she's fucking stupid yeah so i i i threw a rock and hit her right in the ass and it went running
away and i guess probably showed up at the vet like they found it then right well um yeah we
we found her what time about that 9 30 i don't know around nine o'clock in the morning yeah
yeah well yeah i was on my way to work at seven and i encountered it i can't i gave it gave her
a chocolate bar and i tried to get to come come with me i was like come here honey baby like that
you know and she was really friendly and then when i when i ate the chocolate bar i guess it was
hungry it started going crazy it had like a seizure in front of me and then and then i threw
a rock at it and it ran away into the woods and you must have found it like a little bit later
I just wanted to be honest that I fed it a chocolate bar and it had a seizure
and I threw rocks at it and I hit it like three times, your dog.
Yeah, okay.
I appreciate you calling and telling me.
I mean, we had no idea.
We called for it and everything.
Where do you live out through there?
Huh?
I live on...
Don't tape it on your door.
I live on 1612 Horse Machine Ranch Road.
I don't know where that is.
Yeah, Horse Machine Ranch Road.
Horse Machine Ranch Road.
Yeah.
it's the new subdivision i'm not sure i just moved here recently i don't know the area that
well but i know i know lone oak church and that's where i was yeah and that dumb fucking dog man
what did you leave a flower on my door no no probably probably not no i was i was out i was
out i i take long drives and i smoke marijuana in my car um so that my wife doesn't know i do it in
the car right and i drive around for a long time yeah and it was in the morning before work and
your dog came up to me and i was trying to be nice and i fed it chocolate yeah well okay
it was after she ate the chocolate she was normal before and after the chocolate she
She started having a seizure.
So she probably has.
That she walked on all four legs.
Yeah, but when she ate it, she stopped walking on all four legs.
And she was, like, going around in the dirt.
Like, like that.
And it was having a seizure.
It was shaking.
And it looked at me, and it was foaming at the mouth.
And I thought it was going to attack me.
So I threw rocks at it, and it ran away.
It went like that.
I was like, you motherfucker, you.
Like that.
you motherfucker like that yeah yeah well i appreciate your honesty okay all right all right
what's wrong what's wrong with the dog now is it not walking straight uh no no we um actually we
brought her to we had to bring her to uc yeah um down to the veterinary clinic and uh because she
had a very severe broken leg we brought her down here for the best care oh no maybe a car hit her
So, I've got to go in here and take care of this vet bill.
Here's Matt.
Matt had something to say to you.
Who?
Matt.
Matt.
Matt, you here?
He's pissing.
Oh, Baz then.
Dr. Baz has something to say.
Yeah, yeah.
Chocolate can be very bad for dogs.
It can break their leg.
Yeah.
So, I'm a veterinarian, and so I know about the dog machines.
I'm going to have to go check my dog out.
and take her home.
Hold on there.
All right.
Okay.
We'll hold.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah.
Hello?
Did you get the dog?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just walked up here.
Girlfriend,
and he just found what the...
Yeah.
Oh, that's your girlfriend?
Oh, yeah,
because we saw the dog.
The dog came up to me
yesterday morning
around 7.
I was out jogging.
I was out jogging,
and...
Yeah?
What was this?
I fed it a candy bar
with nougat,
and the dog started having,
like, a seizure.
yeah where did you show your ass and i got scared and i said you mother fucker you and i started
throwing rocks and i ran away and then the dog ran away it was like like that like stupid
motherfucking you know well i live on horse machine ranch road you know where that's about
it's the new subdivision yeah horse machine ranch subdivision yeah and i i saw the dog on lone oak
church about seven in the morning yeah and it went to attack me i gave a chocolate and it went
crazy went like that it started going it sounded it started like like that
yeah it was it was like i'm his neighbor i'm a veterinarian and he he came right home and he
he taught he told me we went out to try to find fancy because i'm a vet and and he dog wasn't
there yeah but that noise when the dog goes when the dog goes that's that's never a good sign
i'm a trained professional he was having a seizure probably because
no i don't think so no but the the dog was saying like i'm gonna fucking kick someone with my leg
like this
and she's like
I was like
don't do it
you know
I need more
nougat
that's what it said
y'all fucked up
or what
your mother's
fucked up
your girlfriend's
got her
your mother's
got some
wrinkled pussy lips
you kiss my
mother with that
mouth
more nougat
I don't understand
what's going on
here
you're from
the future
man
yeah
That's a bad noise for a dog to make.
It sounds like it was imitating you.
Hey, has your girlfriend got a tight little package on her?
After the dog nodded over her.
Like a sleeve of wizard.
Oh, it's a female dog, never mind.
god damn animal. Hey, cocksucker.
Hey, don't you god damn start
leaving. Hey, hey, listen
here, you cocksucker.
I'm not no fucker
who play games. Now, I kill your
god damn ass. Don't fuck with me no more.
Don't you never call this god damn phone again
if you like living.
I do. I do.
You want those?
Friend dog.
That noise you were making was cracking me up.
I was laughing so hard.
I just kept wanting you to do more of it, man.
I can't make me think of it.
The call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.
Fucking thing with that guy.
Like, he does a joke where it's a talking dog,
and then finally he says, where's a good place to go?
And he's like, Fisherman's Wharf!
And then him and his buddy are all super stoned, just laughing at it.
What's his video?
Doug Benson did, like, a joke.
Like, a YouTube thing.
Somebody animated it.
Yeah, you have a Westinghouse freezer?
A what?
You have a white Westinghouse freezer?
Upright?
Yeah.
Upright your ass?
Yeah, I wanted to put Nougat, I wanted to get it to put my Nougat candy bars in.
I want to fill it out with big bricks of Nougat.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Alright, so it's an upright freezer, right?
Yeah.
Upright your ass.
Bop, bop, Nougat.
Like that?
What?
It's upright your ass.
Bop, bop, Nougat.
Okay.
say nougat g-man was you talking about super high me because i've seen that is that what
you're talking about yeah that's the comedian he smoked weed for every day every day for like a
month right 30 days yeah every day yeah yeah hey you understand what i mean like it's an upright
freezer that you have you know what you said you said up up your ass upright your ass
Nougat
You forgot this part
That's a train
That's the sound of the freezer going up your ass
Well you know what
We'll just go ahead
We'll go ahead and I'll call the wow
And tell them you're harassing me
The wow
Three way I'm in
The wow
I'll call the wow
World of Warcraft
She's going to call World of Warcraft
The wow
Oh wow.
Wow.
Let's call this Indian guy back.
See if he answers now.
I ignored him for a while.
There's a lot of good potential titles for this show.
Good afternoon, Deliver Us.
May I help you?
Good afternoon.
Would you like to make an order, please?
Yeah.
Tell me, what do you like?
One chicken tandoori.
Half order or full order?
Full order.
Okay.
One nougat.
Chicken?
One nougat.
Yeah.
Okay, then?
One banchot.
Banchot.
One banchot.
I don't understand this.
One banchot.
Motherfucker.
Yeah, you, motherfucker, motherchut.
Motherfucker, motherchut.
What else, motherfucker?
That's a different guy.
Different guy over there now, huh?
Yeah.
The other guy's still the pagan on your scars.
Like, you and your pussy.
Yeah, he's like, we're already a pussy.
We're already a pussy.
Oh, man.
Like, no, son of owl.
No, gandu.
Who don't want to play music-wise here for the non-YouTube people?
Let's do it a little R.J.D. too.
All right, moving right along.
Text only, please.
So she may not answer or she'll be really pissed off that we're calling.
She wants old flowers, any kind, any color.
And what else?
It's for her daughter's wedding and memorial weekend.
Old flowers, bales of straw.
She needs 100 plus bales.
What kind of wedding is this?
And why is it a memorial?
Is she dead?
Memorial day.
Is she buried in a corpse?
It's memorial weekend.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, my wedding was a memorial weekend
Because it was easier for people to get a day off
So you got a kinship
She picked up and hung up
It's probably a word
She said text only
Text only, motherfucker
Nougat
You fucking nougat head
Hello
Yeah, hi
You're looking for all kinds of stuff here for your daughter's wedding
Yes, I am
Okay, I've got some bricks of spoiled nougat
From my freezer, my upright freezer that went bad
um would that work out i also have yeah i have uh also some old non-working furniture and like
appliances i mean like i have some freezers you can put around like make a set like a fake house
you know and it's like a broken freezer and everything because it's a white trash wedding
um actually i'm just looking for things to handcraft ourselves oh i've got beads i've got
table and chairs and like that i've got beads so we just want to make it look countryish
i've got beads that you can put in flower arrangements beads for flower arrangements
yeah we're looking for like you know like if your grandma has a porch load full of old flowers you
want to chunk them out you know we'll buy them for 10 bucks 20 bucks i've got those and i'll
Clean them up and do something with them.
Hey, shut up.
Something like that.
Shut up.
Shut up.
I've got that, too.
Okay.
Yeah.
You want flowers?
I've got some old flowers.
Oh, you do have old flowers?
White, pink, blue, and purple.
Oh, yeah?
Where do you live?
Oh, I live on Horse Machine Ranch Road.
You live in Ohio?
Horse Machine Ranch Road.
It's the new subdivision, Horse Machine Ranch.
I don't know where that's at.
Yeah, it's right up your ass.
Okay.
You can put the flowers up your ass.
yeah i get behind girls and i do this oh she's gone all right zack's saying that we should
phone mob some store and ask them for nougat and demand it until they put it on the shelves
just keep calling some store back again and again i just want to buy nougat i just want
nougat just nougat that factories where there's giant things in nougat yeah i just want a big
brick of it i remember at the gum factory i ate a finger full of menthol i like my finger in it
and put it in it was for making the winter fresh gum and god damn did it burn my mouth i bet
oh man i was like i like menthol cigarettes this will be good yeah no crap um working at the gum
fun yeah i would eat like nougat with the fork and knife i will straight up do that
Sissy
It seems like the wind's getting in there
Something wicked this way comes
Yeah
Pulled my pinkies out
I cut it and eat it all dainty
Hey hey
Hello
Hello
He called and hung up
Oh is this a new thing
Yeah
He took a regular order
That was a different guy
But now he's doing it again
See he's doing it
The other guy came back in from the...
Yeah, he's like, they say they're in the parking lot.
Hey, motherfucker, we're in the parking lot.
He's like, I'll show him.
I keep calling him, calling him.
I call him, maybe.
I get revenge.
When is his time?
Bother him at work.
I waste his minutes.
Works for suckers.
Okay.
There's a free dog.
When I bought him, they told me he was a German Shepherd, but I think he may be mixed.
Oh, disgusting.
disgusting gross race trader but he's a great dog and great with kids and other dogs yeah right
we'll see about that shit i want i'm out of frozen grapes man the only grapes i have are
non-frozen my grapes thawed out it's no good ring ring you have reached the voicemail box
all right i give up with that lawnmower 42 inch lawnmower riding lawnmower from sears you're a
42 inch riding lawnmower
Sears
it's good stuff
right here man
yeah
like the Sears Tower
you know
yeah yeah
you can ride that lawnmower
yeah you still got that
lawnmower
that's already sold
oh listen
cause I like
I use lawnmower
and I eat like
nougat candy bars
I scrub it all
I scrub it into my beer
like a motherfucker
I don't cut grass
with it though
I just turn it on
inside my living room
and ride it
while I'm eating
a candy bar
naked
and I'm like
hey Ed
whatever man
Hey, Matt.
Yes?
I'm pranking on the government's dime today, too, bro.
Nice.
I got my first unemployment check today.
Yay.
Oh, nice.
It's like state.
State.
Yeah.
Hello?
Hey, boy.
Why'd you hang out, motherfucker?
You didn't have nothing.
Yeah, I do.
I don't listen to that kind of language.
Yeah, you do.
I didn't say anything bad before you hung up, motherfucker.
Now I'm pissed off, you motherfucker.
Two of us are like...
uh whoever you are you're very
here's the guy who lost a wallet at the va hospital
yeah oh that's gonna be some sad getting hurt no some asshole iraqi vet with ptsd
bullshit trying to get money on the government doll someone else i have to go in a moment
it oh yeah you lost your wallet at the hospital oh you found my wallet yeah maybe i don't know
you lose it motherfucker i did you stupid motherfucker you i am yeah all right i found
it though scott i got your info here and everything sweet man all right well where'd you find it in
the hospital it was in a seat in one of the seats it was yeah all right well where are you see you
you later i'm at my car where are you like east valley where are you at east valley yeah where
are you well i mean i don't know i don't know you oh you don't know me i should say i know you
pretty well based on the stuff in here yeah yeah well um i found it it's okay what should we meet
up i need to get my wallet back all right yeah yeah i'll see you later no it's cool that i just
just want you to know your wallet's okay i found it it's cool man huh cards there's like some tin
foil there's a receipt stuff like that tin foil yeah i don't know like a piece of foil looking
maybe from a gum wrapper or something i don't know oh id still there like my military id yeah
all that stuff is good yeah you're good yeah all right buddy so can you drop it off yeah i'll drop
it off you got it man you got my address because you got my id right yep yep yep all right i'll see
See you later.
Huh?
It's my address on the ID.
I don't like just giving out the address like that.
Why not, motherfucker?
Give it to me.
I don't want to just give out information.
I don't know who you are.
I can't just give out info like that.
Okay.
No, no, no.
I'll give you my ID.
I can't hear you, stupid shit.
What?
What?
What do you want?
Where are you at, motherfucker?
I told you where I...
Now you're cursing.
I'm leaving.
I'm sorry.
Now you're being mean to me.
I'm just calling you about your wallet.
I'm going to hang up now, okay?
All right, bye.
Bye, asshole.
Yeah, bye.
Fucking dick.
Bitch.
Cunt.
I'm reporting you.
Hello?
Yeah.
I'm reporting you.
I think you got the wrong number.
You lost a wallet.
You got my wallet, right?
No.
Why'd you call me?
I didn't.
You called me.
You did.
I picked it up, but you called me.
No, I didn't.
And you are out of area number.
I'm in Tucson.
I don't know where the hell you are.
I'm in Nation.
I'm going to kick your ass.
Cunt.
Do it, motherfucker.
Okay.
Where do you want to meet, motherfucker?
VA Hospital.
No, there's too many people there.
Yeah, where do you want to meet?
I didn't call you
I don't know where you got this number
But I didn't call you
No one from here called you
And I have no idea where you're from
So stop calling me
Bye
Bye
Bye
Bye
Call me back
No
No
I'll call you to ask if you found it
I was eating nougat
by the way i was eating nougat yeah oh i forgot to tell the other guy about nougat too shit
here better call him back yeah hello scott you're still there okay whatever hello yeah hey i forgot
to tell you your friend about the nougat yeah we're eating nougat we're eating nougat here
yeah we're eating nougat it's good all right where are you guys calling from oh from uh the
road we're on the road what yeah it's about a lost uh california it's about a lost wallet
my son lost his wallet yeah yeah we found we found it in the nougat in the nougat machine
with in tucson yeah at the billiards uh billiard place yeah yeah um there's a room here for like
um people you can um have sex with your girlfriend inside the room there's like a mattress and stuff
on the ground and i guess maybe he it fell out of his pants when he took his pants off it was
It was behind the mattress.
Huh.
Yeah, because we pull it out to clean out condom wrappers and stuff like that, you know, syringes.
Yeah, and he might have left it here.
I think it fell out.
Maybe he was having sex with his girlfriend or boyfriend, and it fell in between the wall and the mattress.
He actually lost it at a billiard.
Yeah, yeah, it's in the back room at Pockets Billiard.
Yeah, I work here.
That's where it happened.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, we have, you can pay us 20 bucks and we let you use the room for a half hour.
You can, you know, fuck your girlfriend and stuff like that, you know.
Yeah.
Okay.
Maybe because he lives at home, I think he doesn't like to have sex at home when you're there, you know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What is his name?
Sean.
Your name is Sean too?
No, his name is Sean.
My name is Cross.
Is what?
Cross.
Spell it.
C-R-O-S-S.
Cross.
Yeah.
So can he come and pick it up this afternoon?
Sure, yeah, yeah.
No, motherfucker.
No, he says no.
Why is that?
Ask him.
Don't want my wallet back.
I don't know who you are.
She has your wallet, man.
I'll just have the, now that I know where it's at, I'll just have the police go with him and go and get his wallet back.
Yeah, his name is Scott.
Scott's the guy that has the wallet.
He lives in Mesa.
And he works in Tucson.
You've got my wallet.
You called me.
What's a little lady doing on the phone?
You have her wallet.
You have her son's wallet.
You said you have my wallet.
No, you have Sean's wallet.
Scott has Sean's wallet.
Scott was at the VA hospital.
He's a veteran.
He's a, yeah.
And he was at the billiard place, and he took the wallet from the mattress.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's Scott.
I've got his phone number.
You ready?
I'll give it to you.
You took my wallet.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hello?
Yeah.
Why are you giving my number out?
You took my wallet.
No, you, you.
I lost it at the VA hospital.
I'm trying to coordinate you two about the wallet so you guys can figure it out.
She's going to get the wallet.
You don't want to call the cops on you.
But why?
Why?
You put the ad out that you have the wallet.
What are you mad at me about?
Whatever.
I don't know what his problem is.
Anyway, call him.
He'll get you figured out with Sean's wallet, okay?
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
God bless you.
Bye.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
All right.
Cool.
What a little weird situation.
What a clusterfuck.
Yeah.
A little bit of a weird situation there.
But all right.
right that was pretty funny then matt said he was leaving is that what he said he had to leave
yeah he said that uh i guess eda's there oh at the airport or something he's gonna pick her up
right now oh shit yeah that's big news oh man i would have wished him good luck for that wow
yeah hey man yeah get ready with them poppers man i hope he's probably all dressed up nicely
and everything he's got his nice gym shorts on probably yeah he probably did yeah yeah all right
well i'm gonna get out of tiny chat because the only person in tiny chat now is spray and if i
i want to look at white people i'll just turn on fucking i don't know what's a good white people
tv show seinfeld there you go i'll watch episodes of seinfeld on hulu he's got a good he's got a
good beard going he does his beard he's got you gotta comb it a little bit every day combing a
little bit with some oil some nice beard oil combing in with a nice beard uh thing yeah because
it's kind of scraggly you gotta take care of that man you gotta moisturize that beard make it nice
and soft the ladies run their uh hands through it when you make out with them or the guys too
whatever spray will be creaming cream in their pants yeah um go down on them that was a whole
weird uh again thank you to senior fancy pants in the chat room who was sending in these craigslist
numbers that we've been doing the last two the wallet ones here's an iphone one luckily hey
luckily we called that lady back because not only did we get to continue the nougat thing
We also had a pretty good phone call there.
Here's iPhone machine.
That guy's like, don't fucking involve me with this.
Oh, yeah, Matt is drunk, isn't he?
And he's going to the airport to pick her up.
I hope he's not driving.
He doesn't drive, though.
This is wrong.
Maybe his mom.
He's taking the L train.
Maybe his mom's taking it.
The person at extension.
Maybe Matt's running a limo.
That's another thing, yeah?
How long is Eda going to be in town, too?
I'm not sure.
They're going to hit the road and go to Cleveland.
that's a big city what's the point of going to cleveland other than the rock and roll hall of
fame is that it well she wanted to she wanted to see you know what real midwest america is all
about okay he said she didn't want to go to like la or new york or anything like that why not
michigan or something you know i don't know milwaukee cleveland oh damn and they're gonna
go i think they're gonna go to the rock and roll hall of fame i don't know what else you do in
cleveland i was telling him you know hopefully he'll do a show next week and you know you can
she can co-host yeah live with him she's a funny cat yeah she is they make a good couple i hope
you know they haven't seen each hopefully they remain strong when they see each other now all
right no answer there here's a lost samsung galaxy s4 it might be winding it down pretty soon here
yeah i gotta go in about 15 right right save your message for it i don't know why i let that ring
out for so long anyway i'm gonna go through request a prank here hit up some of these
for the next few minutes they've been stacking all right jose's got a good point here in chat
in skype chat he says he wants us everybody to know that his job is helping to pay for matt's
trip because he's in the same state so his tax dollars are paying for matt even more so his
state benefits and for everyone yeah rbcp checking in hi rbcp hi carlito how are you
hey rb hey buddy hi bad i gotta request a friend what you doing what you doing he's gone he's gone
how you how'd you doing he's there he's there i'm still here am i having problems or something
that's weird you're right hey can i get a can i get an i love matt um button because i love matt
of course next time you send me something yeah and i'll send i gotta send you something because
Cause you've sent me stuff a bunch of times,
like the book and stickers and stuff.
I like sending people things.
It's nice.
It is nice.
Hey,
where'd you get your train whistle?
I want to get a train whistle for my show so I can be as cool as you.
I got it at the train museum,
but I bet you can get one online.
Just a wooden train whistle.
I actually went there and I was like,
do they have a gift shop?
I've always wanted a train whistle for the madhouse show.
My wife's like,
Oh God.
Um,
yeah.
And I got it.
That's awesome.
Well,
I got one.
And then my nephew was like,
I want one.
I'm like,
ah,
shit.
And I got to buy another one.
for him. I think I had one when I was a kid.
Or my brother did or something. I remember having
one. Okay. They have a keychain
version one that sucks.
The big one that sucks.
Keychain can't make that sound.
Uh-uh. It sounded like a whistle whistle.
Alright.
Here's someone who's selling a truck. Arby,
you also need to get a dog whistle, Arby, for the next
time you call the animal shelters.
Oh, yeah. I'd love to see if that really works.
I doubt it will.
Probably not.
I want to buy a dog
just to test that that's crazy i wouldn't think it would i wouldn't think that would make it through
um yeah a frequency range of a telephone yeah would allow that that high of a pitch tone
what does mp3 do to music what's it called oh shit compression i would think the compression
would no yeah motherfucker nougat compression god damn it all right i had to remind nougat
all right indian guy calling in i'm calling back see if he picks up this time you remind him about
Hey, Nugget, damn it.
Hello, motherfucker.
He'll call again and not say anything like a bitch.
Brad, can you connect them on your end?
You can, can't you?
Can you asterisk them?
No, I can't make them hear each other.
You wouldn't be able to hear them.
It doesn't work like that.
Yeah, I've got to figure that out.
Hey, you've got extra listeners today.
There's a tiny chat called Phone Fuckers.
They're replaying your show.
Yeah.
Should we get the Madhouse Attorneys after them for this?
Definitely.
This is an unauthorized broadcast.
Yeah, I agree.
I think so.
No, I think we need to send a C&D.
This is bullshit.
We need to stop this before it gets out of hand.
Who is doing this now?
It's tinychat.com slash phone fuckers.
Phone fuckers.
Okay, sure, whatever.
No, it's more, hey guys, phone fuckers, motherfuckers.
We got a request to prank here, and I wanted to read this out from James.
He says that words like faggot and nigger hurt some people and are not funny.
They're only used by complete idiots.
I like listening to your shows, but hate speech doesn't add a thing to what is otherwise most of the time funny.
It is not 1958.
Please change as society becomes more educated and intelligent.
Thank you.
There you go.
And that's from Horse1723, a.k.a. James.
I don't know.
I don't use those words that much.
If I do, it's in joke.
You know, we can all joke at that.
We can all have fun.
Yeah, why not?
At each other's expense.
bents i call bread honky cracker white guy all the time he's like you're so funny carlito you're
so funny that's what he said every other prank call you like faggot yeah there you see it doesn't
hurt my feelings we're equal opportunity offenders okay because it's true yeah it's because it's
true it's not slander if it's true anyway uh you know i think matt's going to like a horror
convention or something like and because he always goes to horror conventions in ohio and stuff she
She might be into it too, right?
Oh, okay, yeah.
Jose said it's Natacon, is that what it is?
I don't know.
That's where him and Spray went to last year, right?
Wasn't it him and Spray?
Jose, Spray, and Matt?
He goes to a lot of these things, I don't know.
You know, they go to all different horror conventions and film things.
Right, right.
Gotcha.
Okay, okay.
I don't think they're just hanging out randomly in Ohio or anything.
I think they have a plan of some sort.
Alright, I got a new request to prank in here
Let's see what it says
Carlos is the owner of the
Dumbass Secret Society
What? Okay, whatever
Disney employee
Human resources
In Orlando, okay
Okay, yeah, these are from Dashie
He just, I just, he sent them to me
And I just put them in chat
Okay, alright, let me call the
Walt Disney World thing, human resources
Thank you for calling the Walt Disney World
Resort job line
You look...
That selection is not recognized.
Please make another choice.
Okay, I'm following the phone tree instructions Dashie gave me that didn't work.
We'll have to listen.
Thank you for calling the Walt Disney World Resort job line.
Calling HR Operations.
This is Lisa.
Hello?
May I have your personnel number?
Yeah, this is Willie.
Willie, I'm having a hard time hearing you.
What's your personnel number, please?
I don't know if I should give that out.
We're supposed to keep that private.
Your personnel number?
Yeah, it's supposed to be private.
Can you look up Willie?
No, I can't look up.
Um, you buy just Willie?
Oh, well, I haven't gotten my direct deposit.
I don't know what the fuck's going on, motherfucker.
Oops.
By the way, I'm Steamboat Willie.
Steamboat Willie, get it, get it?
Yeah, they can tell you're calling from the, uh, the, what's the ride at Disneyland, the Steamboat ride?
I don't know.
Tell her you're the ride operator.
Thank you for calling HR Operations.
For English, press 1.
The call may be monitored.
Thank you for calling HR Operations.
This is Margaret Mayhew.
Your personnel number, please.
Yes, sir.
How are you doing today?
Very good.
And you, Seth?
I'm good, sir.
Thank you.
My name is Willie.
I'm calling about nougat bars.
They haven't come in yet.
Okay.
You're calling the Walt Disney Company?
Yeah.
Yeah.
About the payroll information.
I get paid in candy nougat bars from the Mickey Mouse candy, and they haven't come
in yet.
What the fuck, man?
Okay.
I'm not familiar with that at all.
Do you have a personnel number?
Yeah.
Ready?
Yep.
You know, we're very busy here.
I can't take a quick call.
Oh, you're busy.
No, ma'am.
You should tell your calling from the Mark Twain riverboat ride at Disneyland.
Tell you the ride operator.
Oh, I'm done with it.
Why is everyone so busy today?
Everybody.
Oh, you're busy.
Yeah.
Well, it is our business day.
It offends people for some reason.
I guess.
It makes them busy.
They're like, oh, I hear the trot.
I've got to go.
All right.
Here's Carlos, owner of Dumbass Security Society.
Can one of you talk to him?
Because I don't want to talk to him.
Thank you.
You on this one, Brad?
Take it, Baz.
Okay.
I don't know what the hell to say.
What the hell is this?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'll figure it out as I go.
I don't know either.
I just figured I'd give you guys a shot.
I'm a dumbass.
True.
I don't think you have to be smart to join.
I'm a dumbass.
You have reached the voice mailbox.
I was going to tell him I had a stupid cat.
That was something I could say.
I'm kind of running out of numbers here.
unless Dash is sending some in on the book.
Well, you know what that angry guy in England?
Angry guy?
Yeah, sure.
The one that played that prank.
The one that played the prank earlier?
Yeah.
Yeah, hold on.
Let me just get that real quick.
Sure.
Tell him that since he didn't let me stay at his house,
I had to sleep overnight in a wheelie bin,
and I'm eating some nugget that I found in the bin.
What's a wheelie bin?
Like a wheelbarrow?
Is that what they call a wheelie bin?
It's like the trash bins, you know, with the wheels on them.
They call them wheelie bins.
I got you.
All right, that makes sense, actually.
Yeah.
Okay, here he is.
It's better than a lift being an elevator.
Okay.
A. Johnson.
That's right, he did send me this earlier.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hey, Mr. Johnson.
This is David Snozzle calling again.
Remember, I was supposed to stay with you,
but you wouldn't let me come to your house.
So I spent the night inside of a...
Remember, I called you last night, I told you...
And I had to sleep in the wheelie bin.
And I ate nugget for breakfast that I found in the wheelie bin.
Sir.
it's all your fault
what are you talking about
are you some type of nutter
are you a nutter or what
I'm a dumbass
I need to go to the asylum
will you take me to the asylum
we'll get you in love
will you drive me sir
it's great
I love when they hang up
it's so stupid
great
I got the nugget in
you did we succeeded in our nougat challenge i'm done because i'm kind of burnt out it's been three
hours close enough to three hours that's all i'm saying well after if it's longer than three hours
it takes me forever they edit the show you know it's it's a long i'm in the middle of a three
hour editing show being edited and it's taking forever okay bye does it does it take you
approximately the same time as the show to edit i'm just curious it can if i decide to try to
to listen to every little bit of it yeah um so if i skip through it's much faster but the problem is
it uh you know like phone numbers might sneak through or full names and stuff you know yeah
i've been listening to the entire show lately when i edit it's yeah it sounds so much better
on the podcast when i do that but yeah it sucks to sit there and listen to the whole show yeah
but doing the whole show thing i mark all the times you know so i got like the in my show notes
now in youtube you can just go straight to the prank if you click on on the in the notes if you
you click on the timestamp that's kind of cool yeah yep yep yeah all right guys see you laters
bye bye carly bye they're out of here thank god uh again if you're listening on madhouse
madhouse's shellcast there are nine people still on the madhouse shellcast if you're listening over
there um or if you're on the madhouse mixler which i understand there were a few up until
a little bit ago um be sure to switch over to prank call nation go to prank call nation.com
There are new Shoutcast links
And there are new Mixler links there
A new Mixlink
Make sure you're following the correct one
We've switched
Alright then, have a great rest of your day
And I'll catch you tomorrow night in theory
I'm talking notepad

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