Carlito Dings
15 Sep 2017 · 59 min · 3,908 words · source
Transcript
You're stupid.
No, you're...
What?
Yeah, but you don't throw frisbees in a shopping center.
But I just bought it.
You throw frisbees in a park.
You're kidding me.
No, I'm not.
No.
No, you don't understand the language.
I understand perfectly.
Who speaks English there?
I understand everything.
Who speaks English there?
Everything.
I speak English.
I understand you perfectly.
You don't understand.
I'm telling you what I mean.
I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.
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I was bending over and using your side view mirror to look at my taint because I was in a gang bang the night before and that shit makes you itch.
Yeah, and then I banged it with my head.
Fine.
Yeah.
Alright, well, it doesn't look too bad. I appreciate you letting me know.
Alright, alright. Hey, enjoy your Tesla. Make it go mew, mew, mew.
Like that, mew, mew, mew, mew.
That was stupid.
I want your computers to come in.
No, no, no, no, we're not doing that.
Hi, I'm trying to reach Roy. My name is Derek Lilley. I'm the owner of the silver Honda Citgo on my car.
Sorry for the late call. I was the manager of the Rock, so I just left work.
If you can give me a call tomorrow, that would be great. I appreciate it. Thank you so much.
Alright, Lilley.
Okay.
Hello?
Hey, how you doing?
Hey.
Hey, it's Big Roy. How you doing there, buddy?
Good.
Good. I had to take a shit and I did it while propping myself on the side of your car. I'm really sorry about that.
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The fuck? Let's hear that again.
My name is Jasmine.
Oh boy, it's a female prank master.
I got a note in my car from Roy G.
If you are Roy G, give me a call.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, my phone number's that.
Alright, cool.
Hello?
Hey, is this Catherine?
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What I'm asking you is how do you bring a dog to a shopping center without a leash?
Yeah, but you don't throw frisbees in a shopping center.
But I just bought it.
You throw frisbees in a park.
I just bought the frisbee in the shopping center, you know, and I wanted to make sure it was working.
I went, woo, woo.
I say, hey, Akulo, Akulo.
That's his name, Akulo.
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My I was inside a store and my car was in a parking spot. But your car is a lease or what? You know what? I don't want to have this conversation with you. I think bullshit, you know, motherfucking shit. Yeah, this is bullshit. You bullshit. You are the shit. Yeah.
Hi Roy, my name is Alina, you left me a note on my car seat and it was dinged, you know, I honestly don't see where it is, my car is not super clean, it's probably under a bit of dust or I think it's just dirt, I also just, I've used things before, I just don't see them very well, if you could give me a call back and tell me if you need help, I'd be happy to help.
On what side and what area and how it happened?
I will probably go to Twitter and see if I want to slide her up high
because right now I don't think...
Blah blah blah, you just want someone to talk to, lady.
Yeah, take a Prank Call.
That sounds like shit.
My Heart Media
This is Deanne.
Yeah, why are you calling my phone?
Well, let's back up a second here.
I didn't.
The phone number here says that's your phone number.
Okay, no, um, this is a group of radio stations.
Yeah, I know, it used to be Clear Channel.
Yeah, I know who you are.
Right.
You guys suck.
Fucking cancel Drew Grabo.
Fuck you.
I think a local radio station was just trying to call the dig number to get to the bottom of this.
What area code is this?
Hang on.
They didn't leave a voicemail.
Let's see if they did or not.
I don't know who the fuck iHeartMedia is.
You can change your name all you want.
You're still Clear Channel.
You still killed radio.
It's glaring.
How many MCC's there are?
Hello, you've reached Taylor.
I'm either on the other line or out of the office.
Please leave a message.
Is that Rush?
This is one of those Rush stations.
Yeah, it was a radio station from that town where the...
It was a radio station from that town.
They just tried to call like two hours ago.
I'll talk to a Cumulus radio station, but not fucking iHeart.
I'm not gonna do anything with them. Fuck them. They ruined concerts. They ruined radio. They disrespected Howard Stern
Motherfuckers, fuck them. Thank you for calling
Please listen closely as our options have changed if you know your party's extension number, please dial it at any time tick-tock bitch
Alright cool
I went about this wrong. I just sort of doing a random now. I don't know who I called it not. Let's see this
the voicemails won't play
Hang on, I think I know why.
Someone's car, I know, that said you binged it, possibly hit it, and we're just checking to see what you'd like to do next.
You can call me.
You have reached the Sarpy County Courthouse. Please visit our website at
The Courthouse? No, thank you.
Nice try, lady.
Caller ID number as a courthouse
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Well, I mean, you left a note in my car because you dinged my car, and I was wondering, are you going to make right by that?
Well, what are we talking about?
What do you want, sexual favors, or, I mean, where are you going with this?
Excuse me?
Are you trying to get sexual favors for this or something?
The way you sound, you sound a little, you know, a little dirty.
Look, man, what kind of shit are you trying to fucking pull here?
I'm not trying to pull anything.
I'm calling you back.
I'm doing the right thing, and you're like, ooh, what do you want to do?
Ooh, like that, like all sexual.
Like, look, man, I'm just married.
I have children and all that.
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You left me a fake message that I'm a redneck.
You hit my car at Walmarts.
You dumb motherfucker.
Now you listen here.
All right?
Yeah.
Go ahead.
I ain't going to shit.
I don't know.
What?
You motherfucker left a note on my car?
Four.
I give you a four so far out of ten.
Keep going.
Four for what?
Four out of ten for your acting.
Okay?
Who the fuck is this?
This is Cross.
I'm Roy's friend.
A Cross.
Well, what do you want?
Well, you left a message.
You said, hey there, Roy.
This is Christian.
Is your name Christian?
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Hey, fuck you. Hey, don't be disrespectful to me. I'm trying to do the right thing here.
Fuck you, motherfucker.
Okay.
Fuck my dick.
All right. Thanks for listening, though.
Get down here, please.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for listening.
Tu madre es tu mente.
Yeah. Okay, bye. I don't speak Spanish. See you later. Bye.
No, loser.
Hey, thanks for your support, though. We appreciate it, all right?
But don't leave the fake numbers. Don't leave the fake numbers.
Your voice inflection gave it away from the voicemail, man, from the beginning.
You're a fake.
I am indeed I am I gotta go I gotta take a shit see ya bye
alright good good luck
this one says this is Judy that's a female's name and that's probably true cause
no men listen to Brad Carter no women only men
hi this is Judy calling back not even Sunshine listens to him
she just does whatever she wants come on play
I'm trying to figure out why you left your phone number and told us to
call you if you're not going to answer the phone
So when you get a chance, could you give us a call back? Thank you
My name's John I'm calling about a note. I found on my car this morning
Gonna just give me a call back my phone phone number shit fucking Judy doesn't pick up the phone didn't pick up for Brad this morning
I sound like I go to work. Hi, you've reached the voicemail box of John, right John asshole. Um
New I saw these texts before some some person saying that they're an ethical hacker
I Heart Media
All of our lines are currently busy.
Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received.
Okay, okay, I can do that.
Good afternoon, I Heart Media.
Hello, I have a missed call from this number.
This number is probably related to the ding notes that were left on cars in the area.
Do you know who's investigating that?
Probably the Omaha police. You might want to check with them.
Well, then why did I get a call from the radio station?
Not sure.
I just sat down here, so I'm not really sure.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I mean, do you know who...
You're calling from the 626 number, is that right?
Do you have someone, like, in the news department that's following up?
I'll give an interview. I'll give an interview.
Yeah, I bet you will.
6269, is that the number that we should have the police call to follow up on it?
No police call, no.
Yeah, I'll have them give you a call.
No, no, no, please no.
I don't want my mom to know about it, please no.
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The 626 Number
The Card Dinger
The Carding Bandit
Oh man, where's the music?
They did disrespect Howard Stern also
Moving right along though
Frank Casey's a fag
Good times, good times
The rest of these have probably already been done
They're from Monday
Not a lot of people are calling back on these dings
I remember it always being a lot of people
Maybe people aren't as excited about doing them
Because of the fact that it's not Brad
Who's taking the principal weight of the calls this year
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Proximately 30 more minutes
Just playing music
Enjoy guys
Send me any requests you have
Thank you
I'm getting there
If any more ding calls come in
I'll answer them
Don't worry
An autistic 40 year old virgin
Wencham City Hotel
Alicia speaking
How can I help you?
Yeah hi
I was going to be coming in
Next week
For a nice hotel stay
But I understand
There was a hurricane here
At this place
Yes sir
Everything working?
Water working?
Toilet working?
The electricity is not working yet
Hopefully it will be
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Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Yay. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Whatever. God, she's fucking giggly.
Vagina's working. Hey, how are you? I'm American. Yay. Hey, I'm coming on the ship tomorrow. Is the
hurricane like, do you have power? Is it working? Yes, it's working. Is the toilet working? Is the
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Thank you.
What do you mean in control?
Is the oxygen working?
Do you want to know something else?
The oxygen, is it working?
The what?
Oxygen.
Oxygen.
Yeah, because the hurricane came and knocked out the oxygen, maybe?
Excuse me.
Mm-hmm.
Dimension 53, con la mayor cobertura y en alta definición.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la.
I'm not waiting for that, but I do have to play a prank call.
I do have to take a second.
Hurricane Looting
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The oxygen supply and then there is the gravity jet gravity generator working and what's the current status of the warp core?
Hello. Hello. You made a noise. You made a weird noise. All right. Okay. Good. Thank you for the information. Yay
Wait to be done with prank calls forever
Hello, I'm supposed to be coming to the Puerto Rico the country of Puerto Rico tomorrow
Camara
And I was told by one of my supervisors that you had a hurricane that came by a few days
ago.
Yes.
And it didn't actually came to the island.
It was just the hurricane winds.
So it actually didn't affect us at all.
There were some trees as well.
So everything is okay.
Do you have the toilets flushing?
When I need to take a shit, the toilet goes in the...
I mean, that's how it works here, right?
The한다고 편집한다는 건 말할 수 없는데
When I have to use the toilet, you know, when I have to go to the bathroom, it's a toilet you sit down on or is it like a hole?
She ain't gonna answer again. Fuck it.
We're calling the Holiday Inn Express San Juan. For Spanish, please press 9.
No.
For the guest or to reach the front desk, please press 0.
Thank you for calling the San Juan Marriott. This is Joel. How may I assist you?
Hey, Joel. Joel.
Hello.
Hey, how you doing, honey?
How can I assist you?
I'm concerned because I'm coming to the country of Puerto Rico tomorrow
and I understand that the hurricane came and that you don't have power and water?
No, that's nearby the hotel.
The hotel did not sustain any damage whatsoever around the area.
Around the area, one or two trees that were already, but nothing major.
Can I go, is Luquillo Beach still open?
On the beach in the area the bank's local like you beach area by their
Sothin in in this place in this country when you go take a you know like a shit
Does that go in a toilet or is there like a bag you put it in or hole in the ground God damn it?
Where like where do I make a poop is it in a toilet or in a hole outside in the ground?
How does it work in in Puerto Rico?
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It's a facility and you should be able, I can get you clearance in Docking Bay 12.
Let's say for, let's just to be safe, let's say Saturday 10 a.m. Atlantic Standard Time.
I'll put you down a dock in Docking Bay 12, if you can write that down.
The hotel will probably be too busy, we'll be somewhere in the middle of the ocean.
msg .kss
oh shit okay alright well then I gotta adjust my coordinates then
so you guys sure you're good on water then, electricity, power generations, everything's working?
no gravity, toilets are flushing, everything's working properly
okay what about fire control?
fire control no fires
isn't this the place that had that fire one time in the 80s?
yes a long time ago many years ago
that was hilarious
yeah it was kind of tragic
yeah you know why because it was you stupid people that did it right?
the workers did it?
because you were going to go on a strike right?
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
New people, what people?
You, uh, dirty island people?
The island people, the dirty island people.
Yeah.
Okay, that's fair.
But why you people do that? Why you people start fire? Why?
Why we start fire?
Why you start fire hotel in 1985, 86, whatever.
Well, you know, Google. Google is a very nice place to get all the...
Yeah, but I like to be told, or sometimes I'll put a documentary on and I'll just listen to it.
Because fuck reading.
For what?
What the fuck reading you know I like to be told I like to hear it on TV you know I
like to hear them and show me pictures and the fire goes up that's what I saw the big
fire went up big fire and there was a helicopter you know well there's a lot of fires in California
also no but I mean you people did this in your own hotel there where you are you people
started a fire because you were on strike and that makes no sense but then you're so
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project.
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Nobody true story though. What is the music at about 19 minutes left to show? I heard a ding
That means potentially we got a call. Let's see if that was the police. Okay, great message. Thank you
Yeah, yeah put an extra one in there
Hey Barbie, oh
This is a cool. I'm coming from America. I want food
I'm coming on the plane. I'm landed right now. I wanted to get food
I'm staying at the hotel that they made on fire in 1985, remember?
That was funny.
The Marriott.
Yeah, that was so funny because those people are so stupid there.
I'm going to stay there.
Do you want to make a reservation?
Yeah, I want to come in.
What kind of food do you have?
What kind of food?
I'd like, say, smaller-sized plates so you can try different things.
And it's, like, globally influenced.
It sounds like bullshit.
Come on, man. It's really good.
Is it really?
Well, yeah, I want to come.
Yeah, well, put me down for like, I don't know.
Put me down for four spaces.
Okay, so how does it work?
When I go there, what do I do?
Do I sit down?
If you make a reservation, I can guarantee that you have a table ready.
Yeah, sure.
Okay, and is this close to where the prostitutes are?
Is this close to where the prostitutes are?
The prostitute.
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Yeah. I'm Brad Carter. I'm Brad Carter.
Because I'm Brad Carter.
Okay. Write that down. Brad Carter.
What time would you be arriving?
Brad Brad. Yeah.
What time would you be here?
Give me a, say like, you still taking people at nine o'clock at night?
I'll come there, me and you, we're gonna eat together and then we're gonna fight.
We're gonna have a fight.
No. Just me and then you. That's two.
Me plus you, fight and we're gonna fight.
We're gonna have a big fight in front of everybody.
Okay?
All right. I can't wait to fight you.
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Well, how would you guys find out, though, you know?
We'd find out because of the noises, and there's also Law 54 against domestic violence.
If we hear something, we can press charges against you without her consent.
Law 54?
Yes.
How do you know the law, but what's Law 32?
I don't know. I know 54, but 34, I don't know it.
32, 32. Oh, so you mean that you would apply this law to me, Law 54?
Yeah, we call it genre violence, I think it's called now.
So, if I do violence inside a hotel, the hotel has the right to...
Yes, we can press charges against you without her consent.
What if I kick, just kick the room?
We would charge you like $250 for damages in the room.
What if I just shake my wife really hard? Shake her, shake her.
Maybe try considering calling another property then.
No, but I mean, I already have reservations.
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Oh, what are they doing? Are they sexy? Sexy woman?
I think that question is out of place, so I'm going to hang up now.
You're out of place. You're out of place. Hang up the phone. I command you. Thank you.
During the month of September and October, we will be closed for lunch Monday, Tuesday...
Shut up!
Your call cannot...
Yeah, I dialed it wrong. I know. I can't wait to end this show.
Jen, we thank you for calling, Jen. Your call will be answered shortly.
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All right, honey. We'll go on pull down your pants and your panties. Okay. All right. Okay. Bye. I went nowhere
Hello there. There she goes
Hi, how are you doing? Okay. Hi, my name is Bob Blanchard. I'm from America
This is my first time here and I'm a big boy and I'm wondering to see if you got big clothes
Well, no, well, wait a minute now because I put in the computer I need some old clothing like a goodwill
Good disease
No, really what happened they lost my luggage and what I have on right now is very you know
Not clean my luggage got lost. So I'm looking for like the goodwill
you know place where you have used clothing and
I put a video the name of a VI is to restaurant probably has real no
But it says here I put old clothing and it came up your place. No, it's that place. This place is a restaurant
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I have a foot. You know what I mean? Foot foot. You have a foot. I have two. Do you have shoes?
Is that what you're saying? I don't maybe the language. I don't understand. Excuse me
That's what I'm looking for I need some clothing
My luggage got lost the plane didn't have my luggage
They said they gave me a $50 voucher card to buy clothing for now
And I'm staying here at Isla Verde
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I don't understand and I telling her I took Spanish school I know Ropa Vieja is the place where you can get used clothing yes yes yes but yes it says here in the paper Ropa Vieja equals old clothing you're confused you're confused you're not understanding me because you don't speak English you don't understand what I'm saying I don't mean I understand perfectly
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I am a restaurant. Here is a restaurant called Ropa Vieja. You can't buy clothes here because I can't give you beef. I am a restaurant called Ropa Vieja.
I'm not looking for beef. I don't want any beef with you. I don't want any problem.
Oh boy. I am a restaurant.
60 seconds left to show.
Hey, is this the place? I told Gonzales to meet me at the place. Be at the place.
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