Thank You For Your Service
10 Nov 2017 · 2 h 6 min · 7,340 words · source
Transcript
I'm I'm wait whoa excuse me thank you for your service yeah bitch why would it take you so long to say hey whoa fuck you what'd you say do not call this number again hey this is a place of business labia
I'm not playing no fucking games man I I fuck you son of a bitch stop making a stupid call you're out of your crazy mind you ain't getting no goddamn dollars I'll fuck you all my life long you're not perfect why don't you piss off
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast
Drunk pervert motherfucker
Hijo de tu pinche reputa madre maricón cabrón de mierda
Everybody, scared ya. It's Carlito, I'm the host of the show Machine.
Usually I do a cold open with a prank call, but I wasn't ready.
So here it goes.
Hey, how you doing big guy?
Oh good, my name is Cross. I'm a lieutenant and I'm a veteran.
Happy Veterans Day. Yeah, motherfucker, yeah.
It's Veterans Day, yeah, I'm a veteran.
Aw man, that's no way to treat a veteran.
Veterans can say motherfucker and all that shit cause they deserve it.
They're entitled.
Why do you hang up on a veteran on Veterans Day?
I'm entitled.
I'm entitled, I said.
Cabrón pendejo de mierda, I said.
You hear me?
Yeah, fuck you.
I'll call him back later.
Let's call the church machine.
Thank you for calling church.
We are on people to answer.
Iglesia Bautista.
Pendejo de mierda.
Hey, everybody.
Thanks for tuning in.
As I said before, I'm Carlito.
This is a Madhouse Radio show.
It's live right now.
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Discord.gg slash pranks
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in coventry
website
dot seemingly
overnight
and you can wake up and you all
early display with this
functions
so
needs
badly
ideas
Mc이�
Mac
just skip doesn't stop that's awesome
Calls of Mass Confusion
C-O-M-C
Calls of Mass Confusion
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No, this is for this. I have dog machine. My dog machine isn't feeling good. He has a lot of feces coming out and it's very watery, you know, and he's he usually talks to me like usually we wake up in the morning. We have some coffee and all that and he's just not I don't know. He's in a real bad mood. He's just he was telling me leave me alone. Leave me alone. Like that was it.
What's your pet's name?
What's your name, sir?
Yeah, my pet, my dog's name or my name?
Your name.
Oh, my name is Cross.
Have you ever been here before?
No, no, never been there before.
Unfortunately, we don't have any appointments.
Appointments? But this is a hospital. This is a hospital. And I know my rights.
You can come tomorrow for walking, on the afternoon for walking.
No, but the dog's on fire right now. We need to do something.
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Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project.
Well, what I need is a doctor to look at my dog's penis.
Okay, we don't have any more appointments for today.
No, I want walk-in, and I know you do walk-in tomorrow.
Don't start with me.
And don't give me the Puerto Rican attitude, okay?
First of all, I'm not Puerto Rican, and you're being racist.
Same thing, same thing, whatever it is you are.
You people are all the same.
You're being racist.
You smell the same, so it's the same thing.
No.
Yeah, you all have a smell.
Oh, excuse me.
He said we all have a smell.
Jeez.
Oh, boy.
All right, cool.
All right, yo.
It's LJ Rap again.
Hey, man.
What's up?
See this on the Pimp Daddy thing.
You understand what I'm saying?
Yo, this is me.
But yo, Ron, what's this?
This jam is all about the major time Pimp Daddy and the Lincoln Continental.
Even the 91 Caddy.
Pulling up on the blocker in a fresh silk suit and got a bunch of pretty girlies that'll find them cute.
Where do they hang?
In all the major cities.
Hi Dirty Aaron
Hey shut up
Hey honey baby how are you
Fine you
Oh I'm not good thank you
Hey they touched my dog on his penis
Say again
They touched my dog on his penis
Oh
Okay
Alright so now I wanna take care of them
What can I put on the grass to make it turn a different color?
Do you have something like that?
No.
Do you have stuff that kills grass and beautiful flowers?
Because I want to do that.
To kill flowers?
I don't have nothing to kill flowers and grass.
Do you have something that makes it easy to break the grass?
Break the grass?
To break it up?
To break the grass from the ground?
Yeah, yeah.
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I know there's a gym here.
There's like a 24-hour fitness over here somewhere.
Going up the street.
Going right.
All right.
Shit.
All right, let me just type it in.
Let's see.
24-hour fitness, okay.
Yeah, that works.
Planet Fitness.
You care for them.
You want to do it?
Can you do it?
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what are the girls
what's the motivation
structure like here
damn it
oh
is
my name
is just like
the Disney princess
oh boy
dude I have
this song here
I heard it
I thought about it
the other day
I hadn't remembered
this song since like
1991
this used to play
on the radio
it was hot for like
a minute in Orlando
I remember
oh man
Orlando hotness
it was Orlando hotness
Hip Daddy
All I wanna do is be your pimp daddy
I don't know if you can hear the coffee grinder in the background or not, but...
What's that? Huh? What?
Can you hear the coffee grinder in the background?
No. No. I cannot.
You must be on a nice phone machine with good echo cancellation, huh?
What do you got there, big guy?
No, they got the big bucks.
I got the LG G6.
The LG G6. What?
Yeah.
The LG G6. Okay.
Yeah.
All right. So, all right.
I went for the... I went all in for the Google phone.
I've said Google has never steered me wrong with the pornographic movies and if you would have gotten all in you would have gotten a pixel dude don't even I did pixel XL you said you got an LG G6 yeah but I got the pixel XL first it was a piece of shit well the pixel 2 pixel 2 come on man come on no no no it's made by look it's made by people that make go phones HTC listen when's the last time you can I'm not gonna pay a thousand dollars for HTC phones
Listen, all right, listen, the first Android phone was an HTC and I own I got that on opening day
I'm the earliest of earliest adopters the T-Mobile customer
Opening day went to the store in the morning to pick up my LG my HTC g1 the first Android phone ever
Released to the public. You got to have faith. They're gonna come back man. You're right
No HTC used to be the shit man. They went shit hell. They went shit whole hell down quick
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I'm AT&T, so maybe I might trade for the S8 Active.
I can't fucking stand the curved screen.
I just can't do it.
I saw a blip about the S8 Active getting shown off and being announced.
Are they just a more ruggedized S8, right?
They always come out.
It's flat, but it's only for AT&T, so that's the other thing.
I even switched carriers.
I went Verizon.
I went all in.
I got my first pixel XL and it had a bad antenna or something like that I traded it in and the second one the problem is that the UI for the pixel is terrible it has this like fixed Google thing like and weather thing like on the top of the screen even when you move swipe away from the home screen it's still there like you still have this like fixed widget no way to get rid of it
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Get Around The Firewall Of China
The Great Firewall I'm Guessing
So You Can Get To Facebook
Okay
And I Heard
That's Even Hard Now
I've Heard
I've Got A Buddy From High School
He Jumps On Facebook
He Moved To China
And He Got Married
He's Working For Some
Big Ass Company Out
And It's Not In Beijing
It Was In
The Other Really Major
Industrial
Shanghai
Shanghai
I Think It Is Shanghai
So It's Basically Beijing
Shanghai
And
Hong Kong
Macau
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The food in China, it's not all Chinese food like we have here.
It's the same as like in the U.S. where you have your, call it, southern food, northern food, stuff like that, right?
So the food in Xi'an where I was in central China, it's like basically all kind of barbecue, but really, really spicy.
Okay.
So it's like meat on a stick.
But spicy, like very spicy.
But really very spicy, like peppercorn and all that stuff.
All right.
Well, that sounds good.
Yeah.
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Closed Captioning by Kris Brandhagen.com
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Yeah right toasty hot dog just dropping the dropping the Apollo one
oh Gus Grissom was a fine American you son of a bitch yeah and it was an army veteran too
happy veterans day everybody I know you're a veteran over there uh that's he was a CIA guy
he could talk about it now you can get that in his book Dirty Aaron has a book out there
check it out on Amazon it was not an Amazon bestseller but it was a book nonetheless and
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Whatever.
Look, anyway, on the way there, we drove through West Virginia to pick up this dog machine,
and I picked up two of those local paper magazines, you know?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like the car ones, you know?
What's it called?
You know, the car one.
Yeah, the nickel ads or whatever.
Yeah, well, they're like that, but one is for crappy fishing, and the other one is for bass fishing.
But they're from September, so I don't know how good we can do here, but it just has numbers.
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My walkie-talkie app here.
I'm going to hit him up again, but he said he was going to set his alarm and be here on time.
Parkman has sent a number.
Good.
Thank you.
Parkman, I'll get to those in a second here.
Let's see what Milkman's got going.
Milkman!
Milkman, wake up, motherfucker!
Wake up, motherfucker!
Wake up, bitch!
I know he's running his...
Yeah.
You know, right now with that damn CPAP of his.
Yeah, he's got the CPAP.
He's had it for five years and hasn't cleaned it in five years.
Disgusting and he wonders why he's got breathing problems like he probably got mold grown in that motherfucker man
Oh every week I take I take my CPAP stuff and I put it in the dishwasher dishwasher
All right. Let's see what Parkman sent here jobs in eastern Tennessee horse farm is hiring. All right horse farm
Yeah, let's do it. You're up for the horse ranch. There's a horse match horse ranch. There's rent
Oh, yeah. Oh Jim Stewart hit me up. See if he can make it. He's dealing with a shitstorm. I guess not. All right
Nevermind sorry the party you are trying to reach has not set up voicemail on four two
It would be a good idea to change my caller ID also when I'm at it, so are you usually up this earlier?
Well, I mean it's West Coast seven eight o'clock in the morning. So yeah, man really it's that late already shit
I can maximum do two more hours of show and I really haven't done much already
Let's try that last number again with a different ID. Hello. How you doing? Hello? Okay? Yeah, great
I was fired from my last job
I was trying to unionize
and I got fired
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I'm sorry, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my dog. She's taking a shit in the middle of the floor here.
You fucking shit. Stupid fucking asshole. I fucking hate this dog. He keeps shitting.
He keeps shitting.
So you'll need to come in the office, fill out an application.
The dog is, now my dog is showing me his sexual organs now.
Right.
Piece of shit. Another shit.
Packer job. Packer. Just packing.
Thank you, Colin Rothstadt. This is Phillip.
Hey, Big Phil. How you doing?
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Okay, bro. Whatever, bro. What do you mean, bro? Bro? I'm not your bro, dude.
Oh, man. Let's just be rude, because that's so funny.
Oh, yeah. Aaron's here. Aaron's not here. He got disconnected. Oh, shit.
Went silent. He will call back in a few. Oh, shit. That's not good.
Bro. Hairstylist. Hairstylist!
Sure, Class Hairstyle. How may I help you?
Hi, I see you have a job for hairstylist in the paper.
Hey, hold on one second, I'll let you talk to her owner.
Okay.
Okay, is she in the middle of a call right now?
Motherfucker!
Motherfucker! Really?
Well, yeah, I mean, I'm sorry.
What is she, how long is she gonna be?
I think she hung up.
Oh, yeah.
Come on, Dirty Aaron, come back, man.
Don't do this to me. Come on, man.
Hello?
Check off hair salon, may I help you?
Hi, um, I see you have a job for hair stylist in the pepa. Whoa
Maybe I'll call that one later
substance abuse
Counselor job
Hi, what do you mean express employment? Oh
Because I was looking for a job for a substance abuse counselor, why are you involved? Oh
Disgusting I have to go through a third party first. Oh, that's disgusting. All right. What do I need to do?
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Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Restaurants letting vets pick off a special menu
Yeah, woo, yeah, special menu, let's do it
We're calling Applebee's in Henderson now featuring online ordering
My name is Stephanie, how can I help you?
Shut up
Hey, happy Veterans Day
I'm looking to see what free stuff you get
I'm entitled, let's go
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Yes, that's available.
That's like a five-course meal.
That's awesome.
What was your name?
My name's Stephanie.
Is there any Stephanie on the menu?
Mmm.
Mmm.
I'm sure I'm hungry for some Stephanie.
Is there anything else I can help you with?
I'm entitled.
I'm entitled.
I was a veteran.
I'm entitled.
I am a veteran.
Okay, is there anything else I can help you with?
Yeah, we'll answer the question.
Is there any Stephanie on the menu?
Okay, sir.
Well, I'm going to let you go.
We open at 11 o'clock.
Okay.
Yes or No
Sir, I'm going to have to hang up right now.
How much for Stephanie? How much for an hour?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Alright, continuing on. Here's another one.
Another one of them zany prank calls.
You're calling Bob Evans on the east side. My name is Paige. Would you like to place a carryout order today?
I'm a veteran. I'm a veteran.
Closed Captions by www.zeoranger.co.uk
Alright, so what's going on tomorrow then?
It should be a free meal, either breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
They haven't given us, they haven't told us what they're doing yet.
Fuck! God damn it!
They haven't even fucking told you yet?
No.
Fuck!
God, what was your name again?
Paige.
Is there any Paige on the menu?
No.
You sure?
Just one second.
Okay.
She's checking.
She's checking her bank account, see if she might need to put herself on the menu here.
Yeah.
Hi, this is Kendra. How can I help you?
Hi Kendra, I was looking to see if there was any page on the menu tomorrow. I'm a veteran.
Um, is there any what, I'm sorry, on the menu?
Any page?
Page?
Yeah.
Oh, you mean like if we have a, um, like veteran menu?
Yeah, is page on it?
Um, I believe that, let me ask a manager really quick, but I believe we do.
I know that we have the past two years I've been here, but we are owned by a new company this year.
Yeah, because...
So let me check really quick, okay?
Yeah, if you can find out if a page is on it, because I'll definitely get me a piece of page.
All right, I'll be right here.
See, man, guys, if you're just nice sometimes, my wife says,
see, Carlos, if you're just nice sometimes, then, yeah, if you just ask nice,
like, wow, really? You're telling me?
I worked in customer service for 12 years on the phone.
You're telling me? Thank you.
Thank you for telling me how to do my job, honey, baby.
And she gets really mad when I say that, especially lately.
Thanks a lot, Harvey Weinstein.
Special menu tomorrow for veterans.
It's just going to be certain items on the menu.
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I'm a pussy. I'm glad you guys are, not me.
Thank you for calling Bonefish FM. So, this is Zoe. How may I help you?
Hey, Bonefish. How are you?
I'm fine. What do you need?
What was your name?
Zoe.
Oh, hey. My name is Cross. I'm a veteran.
Okay.
I said I'm a veteran.
Well, tomorrow's Veterans Day.
Well, yeah. I think you could say thank you, you know?
Well, thank you. I'm sorry.
Thank you for what?
Thank you for serving our country.
That's more like it. Jeez. God. I don't know you people were like that here.
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Let me go check with the manager and see what we have going on.
Oh, what was your name again?
Zoe.
Zoe.
I like that name.
I like names that start with Z.
All right.
I'll be right back.
I got a nice little thing on you, I bet.
All right, I'll be right here.
Go ahead.
As soon as I got out of the service, I started drinking gay as fuck.
Cosmopolitans, mimosas, mimosas, and martinis too, bro.
What's up?
Nothing wrong with a martini.
James Bond drinks a fucking martini.
You telling me he's a woman?
He's not an enlisted officer?
Have some respect for James Bond.
It's Veterans Day.
Closed Captions by…
A.J.
White
0.
The Korean Veterans Death Rattle
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I'm coming in tomorrow, so you won't be able to resist me.
You won't be able to keep your eyes off of me.
I'm just saying.
Peace, my man.
All right, everybody, let's continue.
This is me, Carlito.
I'm back, by the way.
Thank you.
I got some veggies, so they're really loud, and I can, you know, crunch them for you guys to hear.
You should go on Circle K. May I help you?
Yeah, how are you doing?
Good.
I'm a veteran.
For you, sir.
Happy Almost Veterans Day.
Well, I'm waiting, you could say, you know.
You could say thank you, you know?
What can I help you?
Can you say, you don't want to say thank you for a veteran, for me being in service?
Well, sir, I just wish you a happy Veterans Day.
Yeah, but, I mean, that's not thanking me, though.
That's just, I mean, anyone could say happy Veterans Day.
Thank you, sir. What can I help you with?
Thank you. What do you guys got going on for veterans today?
Yeah, what do we got? What's going on?
If you have anything, we have a lot of causes to say to as well.
They have a big veteran in today.
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She was the nicest one so far for the veterans.
Everyone should be saying that every time.
Veterans are entitled.
Giving up this here.
Here's another example.
Here's another example.
This is a Marine.
This is old, but he did this to another veteran.
He did this to another Marine.
This is on the base.
Some guy was driving his disabled vet sister to work, you know, on the base.
She's an enlisted woman.
I guess this guy, tough guy over here, marine guy, was not happy with the driving and gets out and starts yelling shit at them.
Kick in the car.
His fucking wife's in the car and you're acting like this, bro? That's not cool, man.
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The instant if you're driving and you make a mistake you don't even have to hit someone you could make a mistake and cut someone off in an accident you may not even make a mistake they might interpret you make a mistake now they just want to get out and start they got the right to fuck you up now
Get the fuck out of your truck get the fuck out you pussy ass bitch let's go get out
get out of your truck get out of your truck fucking eat your fucking ass come on let's
Let's go! Let's go! Take a fucking video! Take a fucking video, Cotton! You fucking whore, bitch Cotton! Let's go! Come on! Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out! Go! Fucking go, kid! That's right, you're a fucking scared ass bitch! Get the fuck out of your truck! Scared ass bitch motherfucker! Get out! Get out! Get out of your truck! Get out of your truck! Get out, bitch!
Now his friends are showing up. Yeah.
Screaming like a bitch now.
His friends showed up and he thought they were going to be on his side.
And they're like, hey, dude, chill, man.
Oh, my God. All right, that's enough.
Now there's a guy in uniform out there.
He's like, come on, man.
Yeah. Road Rage Marines.
Happy Veterans Day, everybody.
Still, thank you for your service.
Even that guy, thank you for your service.
It's called Hooters.
That's the attitude I should have today.
That guy should be my inspiration.
No, I'm not a veteran. Yes, this is stolen valor, but it's used for the purposes of comedy
So it's okay, it's an act I have an actor on the phone and the microphone
Hey, how you doing big amber? Good. How are you?
I fought in the shit and I demand three of your hottest waitresses to serve and sit with me today on Veterans Day. Yeah
Yeah, wait today's about tomorrow was Veterans Day. It's observed today. That's what my calendar says
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Why would it take you so long to say it?
I'm sorry, look, I've been drinking.
It's Veterans Day and I've been drinking.
Veterans weekend drinking this year, motherfucker, yeah.
Well, congratulations.
I'm glad you're here to be able to drink with us.
Man, let me tell you what.
That was a hard time, you know what I mean?
I can only imagine.
I never left the base.
What? No way.
No, I never left that fucking base.
Fuck that shit.
Oh, wow, okay.
Yeah, I never left the base.
I was always at the base cleaning toilets and stuff.
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Okay, just make sure you don't talk to them like that because they won't like you.
I want to fill the booth up with titties.
Oh, my God.
Okay, we'll see you at 11, all right?
And pussy.
Shave pussy.
Pussy.
Yeah!
I got to call more places.
I got to call more hooters.
I got to stop eating.
I got to stop eating!
I'm out of ranch dressing.
I ate too much ranch dressing.
Let's rate the fresh veggie platter.
We had carrots, celery, tomatoes, little great little nipple tomatoes, broccoli, cauliflower.
In order, from lowest to highest, I would say celery, carrots, tomatoes, broccoli, and my favorite, drumroll please, cauliflower.
Some ranch dressing and some Cajun seasoning on that shit, motherfucker, fuck yeah.
Everybody, let's hear it for our veterans today.
Yeah, I gotta get more hooters.
Big Titties
Little Caesars
Pizza Pizza
I still love me some crazy bread though
All 73 people on Mixler
And all 39 people listening
On shoutcast slash tune in radio
Thank you everybody
Also a big thank you to everyone who's been donating on Patreon
I really appreciate it
You guys made me so happy
You made Milkman happy
Hello, yeah, if anyone's heard from KDK by the way speaking to him earlier in his feminine burping
He's missing. No one's heard or seen from him and his website is down. It's no longer up shit, right?
They have a cell phone here somewhere. Yeah. No, seriously. Hope dudes. Okay, man
He's you know a friend. I consider him a friend despite all the shit and piss that we went through
I like to start giving shoutouts to people on patreon, but there are so many people on patreon that it's not
And then I worry about given up because a lot of times people have their whole name on patreon and
I don't know how comfortable people with like that being sent out on a podcast you know
This is where it's at....
So I'll pick a random one. There's a big Mike Big Mike as a horse member joined up two days ago
Big mika sponsor of today's show machine. Thank you for your service
All right motherfuckers. Let's get some more veterans on here
Little Caesars was a no-go.
Here's this cafe.
Mimi.
Mimi.
Mimi.
Mimi.
Hello?
Hi.
Yes.
I'm a veteran.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
You're the first person all day to say thank you.
No, I really mean that, too, though.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Oh, you know.
What was your name?
Nicole.
Oh, Nicole.
I like that name.
I really mean that, you know.
Thank you.
I want me some Nicole on the menu tonight.
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I believe, I do believe, Dirty Aaron never came back.
Bonjour, Mimi's first one, my name is Jana, how may I help you?
Hey, is there any Nicole on the menu?
I'm sorry?
Nicole, you know Nicole?
Yes, I do.
Is she on the menu?
No, she's not on the menu.
Because she could just lay down and pull down her pants and panties, you know, for me.
And I can do star 69 and get your phone number.
Oh, you want a 69 with me?
Oh, baby, that's what I'm talking about.
You know how you do that, right?
Do you want to be on top or on the bottom?
Yeah.
Star 69
This shit
Cause I'm from the 90s
I'm stuck in the 90s
And I don't even have a caller ID
You got a star 69
Your ass
69
Damn
She wanted a 69
Hey Nicole
I was just talking to
Was it Jackie?
The other lady
We were talking about
Hold on one second
We were talking about you
Oh
Sir just one second
Alright
Me me me me
Jan I may help you hi Mimi how are you I may help you hey is that Mimi Austin I now have your phone number and I'm calling the phone company right now do not call this number again hey this is a place of business labia labia you know what labia is yeah something you're never ever gonna touch I always I just had some she got me she got me
Hello, this is a completely different person.
I was looking to see if you had any Veterans Day specials.
Yes, we do on Veterans Day. Yes, sir.
What do you have?
Burger, French toast.
How's the tuna?
Fast and furious.
Hello, this is Trevor. How may I help you?
Hi, I'm a veteran. I'm entitled.
Okay, what can I get for you?
I said I'm a veteran.
Okay. Are you asking about the free Bloomin' Onion?
I'm saying I'm a veteran. I'm asking for a little gratitude first.
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Thank you for your service.
Hey, man, brother.
What were you in?
I was in the 82nd Airborne.
I was dropped into Afghanistan.
Okay.
Yeah?
I was in the airport, 19 Delta, yeah.
Oh, shit, when?
Back in 89 to 94.
Ah, peacetime, bullshit, pussy motherfucker.
During Desert Storm, but...
Wow, wow, you stood around holding your dick in your hand in the desert for nine months.
Wow, look at me, I was in Desert Storm.
Motherfucker, I was in Afghanistan.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Amen, brother.
All right.
All right, bye.
Hey, I'm going to raise my glass.
I've been drinking here.
I'm going to raise my glass right now for shitting in front of other people in basic.
You know what I mean?
Dude, that was mine when you got to watch other people shit in front of you.
You remember that?
Wasn't it hot?
It was hot, man.
Sometimes the young ones be like, I'm like that, you know, pushing it out.
All right.
All right, motherfucker.
Shut up.
Peace time, motherfucker.
He was a desert storm, my ass.
During Desert Storm was probably in, like, Germany and shit.
I was in the shit.
I was in Da Nang.
Battlefield, Vietnam, man.
It was a good game.
Been a year in tour.
Captain D.S.
Captain D's.
Captain D.S.
Ha ha!
I know a D.S.
Captain D's.
I think that's at Fish Place, motherfuckers?
Yeah.
Four, two, three.
Shut up.
Fuck Captain D's.
The number you have reached has been disconnected.
Wow.
Good morning, Laird Capital. How may I direct your call?
Hey, I saw your commercial there in the shit TV.
Okay, do you have an account with us? Have you ever contacted us before?
No, this is the first time. I made a lot of money selling a chemical cocktail in my bathtub.
And I need to convert the cash to gold or silver.
Let me transfer you to someone who can listen to you.
I think you guys would be a great option for money laundering.
Hold on one second.
All right, baby.
Dirty Aaron back in the machine, yeah.
Thank you for calling Laird Capital.
Hey, big guy, how you doing?
I'm doing great.
You're doing great?
I'm doing great.
No, gray, you said.
You said gray.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm a veteran.
Okay.
Well, happy veterans.
That's more like it.
I made a lot of money selling a chemical cocktail that I mixed myself in my bathtub.
No need to get into what it is.
But I need to convert it to cash, gold.
I need to convert the cash to gold or silver.
It's called money laundering.
And you guys would be great to go into business with me, I think.
So how do we do this?
Can I send you singles?
Yeah, let me give you this number.
It's called FB.
You think you're slick?
You think you're funny?
I'm putting my lawyer on the phone.
Aaron.
He's not there.
Yeah, I'm not trying to be funny.
I'm serious.
You know what?
You need to hire a better lawyer.
Fuck you.
What'd you say?
Fuck you.
Hey, buddy.
I didn't stutter.
I said fuck you.
Hey, buddy.
Let me answer your question.
Fuck you.
Okay.
Do you have PT?
Fuck you is what I got.
Hey, buddy.
Do me a favor.
Go fuck you.
No, you go fuck you, Chuckles.
Good morning, Laird Capital.
I'm a veteran.
How may I direct your call?
Well, I'm a veteran.
First of all, you can say thank you.
How may I assist you?
You can say thank you for serving your country.
Why don't you all thank me?
Sir, I don't know you.
I'm a veteran.
You've contacted a place of business.
I'm a veteran.
I'm entitled.
You say thank you.
Oh, wow.
That's the worst one so far.
The Shark Ion Robot Vacuum
Remember these guys. Thank you for your patience. Your estimated hold time is 10 minutes 10 minutes. Fuck that
Aaron welcome back. It's good to have you. Thank God. You're here. All right, good assortment. He just hung up
Broken and we should call him direct. Okay, I'll do that. Hello. Hello. Hey, what's up?
Yes, this is not working for you, huh? That's a shame. That's a shame. Yeah. Yeah, man. Alright, let's do one of these calls
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
See and he secretly killed the political officer the Russian captain killed him and he started relaying false orders sorry about it you're a cunt have a good one you're a cunt I don't care I don't care she just hangs up wow very rude I mean they probably get the worst call what do I got here I got some breaking news I could read oh I could read the police log from my local um so I didn't ask for it but suddenly they got that I get the
Call Nation Madhouse Live
9.37pm a caller said her husband was yelling 8.36am a man and woman were arguing over money
9.28am a hit and run accident was reported
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
What says that one man was not wearing any pants and he was masturbating while driving?
Huh. Interesting choice. Anything else?
Well, he was masturbating with a picture of you.
A picture of her. You know what that means.
She there?
Yeah. No, she's gone. She's gone. She hung up the phone.
You wasted her time. You wasted her time.
Fuck her anyway. She's mean.
Just a second. Oh, shit.
All right, that's it for that list of numbers.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Okay.
So, do you have a job for a hairstylist?
Listen, you've called here like three times.
We have your number.
No, you don't.
We wrote it down.
No, you don't.
Yes, we do.
Your name's Jess.
How do you know that?
My name is Jess.
My name is Jess?
What?
What?
Hey, where I lost dirty Aaron?
Holy shit!
My name is Jess.
My name is Jess.
The mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages.
Fuck you, Milkman.
He knew there was a show.
He knew there was a show this morning, and he didn't show up on purpose.
Your class may help you.
My name is Jail.
Hello?
Listen, buddy.
If you keep calling back here, I'm going to call the police.
I just...
And I will have you arrested.
Can I book an appointment?
Listen, buddy.
I'm using a totally different ID.
My name is Jail.
Okie dokie.
Well, goddamn.
Done with you.
Oops.
Hung up on the wrong person.
I hung up on the wrong person.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, buddy.
It's not your fault, it's the Skype's fault.
Yeah, that's because, yeah, because if it wasn't for that, you'd be on Skype and this would not be happening.
Indeed, alright, okay, let's see.
I'm back at the map here, looking at Dunkin' Donuts.
They don't really got shit for me.
Nothing going on there here.
You wanna try some more of those health clubs or whatever?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think we could push that pretty far.
I think so, I think so.
Alright, let me try this church first.
I want to do a goddammit call.
God bless you, goddammit.
It's been a while since I've done those.
And you know how I like to keep doing the same thing over and over again.
Yeah.
Hello, and thank you for calling Delaney Street Baptist Church.
Our church office is open Monday through Thursday from 9 a.m.
Ah.
It's our worship service time.
Of course they're closed on Friday.
Those are shit.
All right.
Let's go.
Planet Fitness, motherfucker.
Planet.
Yeah.
Fit.
Fit.
If I hang up again on an accident, I'm sorry.
I'll remember.
To ensure the highest quality service, this call may be monitored and recorded.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project
I know, there is nothing like that here at Planet Fitness.
Yeah, we do.
We have a trainer, Jared, here.
I think that Jared does that, because I come in both ways, you know?
Uh-huh.
No, he doesn't.
He does not.
He does not try anything with you at all.
He'll keep it strictly personal.
I mean, it motivated me to be able to cleat.
I mean, I've only had sex one time because I'm so fat.
I mean, I'm eating these Twinkies.
I like the Zingers, you know, the ones with the coconut in them.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't think I can go back there. I helped her buy a car down payment on our car. You know, I just don't know. I can't stop eating. I don't know. I don't know.
Hello?
Man, she's definitely coming.
I don't know. How much is it? Membership? How much is the trainer?
Trainer is membership.
Okay, what is the membership?
The black card is $21.99 a month.
Black card? Why does it got to be black?
I have no idea. I have no idea why it's a black card.
How much is that one?
21.99 a month plus tax
Call Nation Madhouse Live
To ensure the highest quality service, this call may be monitored and recorded.
Thank you for calling Planet Fitness Metro West.
Hey, how you doing?
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
We also have a 30-minute circuit that allows for a full body workout that's quick and easy.
Our store hours here at Planet Fitness are going to be 24 hours a day, 5 days a week.
On weekends, we're open from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.
We have over 1,300 locations nationwide, and we have over 20 locations here in the central Florida area.
You said you wanted to know about the fitness trainer.
We also have a PEPF program, which is unlimited fitness training, with our certified fitness instructor, Cornelius.
His classes are always included and always unlimited in group settings, no more than five people.
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Black Card membership which is a $0 startup fee is going to be $21.99 and it is also a 12 month program. With the Black Card membership you get a couple of benefits. You can bring guests with you to any Planet Fitness location. You can visit any of our locations nationwide. You can use our tanning beds and massage chairs. You get half off on cool drinks. All our memberships get charged a $39 annual fee that goes into effect January 1st. All our memberships bill on the 17th for the month. If I advise you come take a tour of our beautiful facility if you have the opportunity.
Closed Captions by GetTranscribed.com
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Closed Captions by GetTranscribed.com
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Climbing Planet Fitness in Rio Pinar, this is Ryan, how can I help you?
Ryan?
Remember? How'd you hear about us?
The internet.
On the internet. That's a wonderful place to be. You gotta be careful when you...
It is. I had my last trainer.
What was the problem?
It'd be 400 pounds, and it was the...
And the trainer should be a cheerleader team, and...
...to become a...
...working with is...
...don't know if...
...me...
Well, I can pretty much guarantee that would not happen here.
Well, that's a is that fine with that. It's just he lied to me and she didn't do and taking her to dinner
You know and then when I would be there working out
She might pants and just please you must be you might be a string lad. You must be resistible
Can't I've been eating eight until nuts was now that was that breakfast or was that a snack?
So I used to 400 was that an entire breakfast and don't it's a snack one time in my life
So that's a rough. That's a rough sit right there. So let me
Reach 200 and came okay with becoming to
Clare Clare Clare Clare Clare Clare
Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
All right, sexy. Bye. Whatever.
Child is not in service at this time. Please check the number and try again.
And fuck yourself again. And fuck yourself again.
God damn right. Um, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think these West Virginia numbers will just have to wait for another day.
And I think I'm going to cut the show off there.
I got to get ready. I'm going to get some lunch here real quick, and then I got to do a show.
I got to do video pranks for Calls at Mass Confusion, Dirty Aaron.
You should get it. You should get it.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
but wait Prank Skibbing cuz it's going down this year
Maybe you could do a show yeah, take one of the on yeah, all right one back to the plan
That's what I want to do. All right dirty Aaron well. That's good news. Hopefully we see you back soon all right
Yeah, yeah having you on hi, brother. Take it easy man. Look at that Dirty Aaron everybody again
I want to thank and explain everything today said about veterans of some parody
Parody have nothing but of respect for the veterans of the United States and the United States only
UK Ted
You feel listening to this. Oh yeah
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Prank Call Nation
Madhouse Live
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