MadhouseLive

Christmas Confidence Level Reporting

24 Dec 2017 · 3 h 25 min · 14,494 words · source

Transcript

Confidence reporting. Missile warning, this is Beale. Stand by for confidence reporting.
SSCO, no malfunction. Missile warning, no malfunction. Missile warning, this is Beale.
Confidence is high. I repeat, confidence is high. I want to confirm, is this an exercise?
Roger, copy. This is not an exercise. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening.
Those in attendance and fans watching around the line
For calling loans
Para instrucciones en espanol, marque 3
For directions to the store, press 1
For store hours, press 2
For the operator, press 0
For information on deliveries, press 1
For scheduled installations, press 2
Commercial sales, press 3
Appliances, press 4
4 Lumber and Building Materials Press 5
Float Transferring to Lumber and Building Materials Please Hold
This is Sergeant Stadenko Attention all units, this is Sergeant Stadenko
We are changing from a Code 3 Direct Pursuit to a Code 347
Completely lost, new to incompetence
Is your machine busy?
What machine?
Well, I mean, I was calling trying to get some wooden machine
Well, you need, you wanted to talk to lumber?
Yeah, but no one answered. Well, you think they're over there, is it real busy?
Is it bad there? Are there fist fights and stuff?
Oh no it's fine it's just um we just have to try it
I think one of our associates is on a nut trick now
In the ghetto
In the ghetto
Alright honey baby
Hey Merry Christmas to you I made some eggnog
Do you want some eggnog?
I'm good thank you
Oh I'll give an eggnog enema alright I'll be right here
Okay
Oh that was weird
Oh hey were you the girl that's
Gonna send me to Lumber's
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
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Yeah, one second.
Is Larry from Tool World there?
All right, we'll stay here.
Fuck, yeah, it is.
What do you think our friends at Zappos are doing?
So, hey, everybody, I'm Carlito Machine.
It is Christmas Eve 2017.
I am doing a show here.
Usually, this is myself and Big Brad Carter.
But Brad decided that he thought family was more important than prank calls
and more important than you guys
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Dwight McClanahan is getting numbers right now and he hopefully will be joining in a little bit later along with I believe I had made contact with Laugh Track Matt I believe so Dom the Bomb from the Super Foam Brothers machine had a special announcement to make so we are looking forward to that going down hopefully he can join in that'll be a little later though because Milkman has sensitivity
If it's like 11 o'clock and Milkman hasn't called, I'm sorry, then we're going to open the lines.
Then he doesn't get his half show with just me and him.
And I think that's fair.
Um, me, me, me, me.
Oh, shit, that's right.
Norad, guys.
Norad.
Oh, man.
Norad.
Track.
Santa.
Yeah.
Let's play that Norad prank call.
The original one.
Thank you for calling the Norad Track Santa hotline.
Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.
NORAD Tracks Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.
NORAD Tracks Santa, this is Sergeant Mesa. How may I help you?
Yeah, Sergeant Mesa, this is Looking Glass.
Hi, sir. How can I help you?
This is good. Confidence is high.
Oh, yeah.
We have three inbound tracks from the Soviet Union.
Impact points. What is your state of readiness, please?
NASA's calling again.
This is Looking Glass. What is your status, please?
Thank you. What department are you waiting for?
I need to cut some lumber. I need to talk to the guys in the lumber department.
Let's go, let's go.
Okay, one moment.
Bye.
Yeah, exactly.
This is Norad.
I'll play from the beginning.
Hi, Summer, I thought you called.
Hey, cousin, how you doing?
Good.
All right, I've been trying to get a hold of someone with lumber machine.
Okay, the lumber associates are gone.
What did you do with the lumber machine?
Well, is there a man I can explain it to?
I can try and transfer you to a manager.
No, no, it has to be...
Is the manager a man or a woman?
A man.
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And unfortunately, the woman came by who said, oh, you can't do that.
You can't do this.
She was saying, I was like, I try to explain, you know how I try to explain.
And you understood the woman thing.
First of all, you don't understand.
You cannot possibly understand.
But she, I guess just she has some specialized training like you did there when you got hired.
They put you through the specialized.
Hey, I'm talking, honey.
Hey, excuse me.
Hello.
Yeah, I'm listening.
Okay.
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and the manager the woman manager of the store um she was saying oh no that's you bbs you know
shit and all this stuff to a policeman and he pulled his gun out and he started shooting it
in the air like like that to calm her down and everyone was running yeah i mean the policeman
that had to you know he had to really then ended up tasing tasing her so the law's on my side and
I need to make this box, okay?
You wanted to just cut the wood yourself?
Well, yeah, but, and like I'm saying, I have legal precedence here.
I've already been through this before.
An armed police officer deputized by the state government said that I was correct,
that if the sign says, if there's do-it-yourself anywhere on your premises, on your campus,
that leaves reasonable expectation that I'm allowed to use all machinery that's there and do it myself.
If I'm able to access it, I'm able to use it.
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Crows
What movie did you want to see?
What is it?
The Star Wars movie?
Okay alright yeah
What's going on? What are they talking about over there?
It's about closing.
Are you ready to close? Did you count down your tail and all that stuff?
Did you do all your shit?
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Don't let me sit, um, you know, I'm supposed to keep my hands to myself the whole time, okay?
My hands are supposed to stay on my body, but not, you know, like on my body.
But, you know, only me. Only me. Okay.
Alright, so I will see you there. I don't know, you didn't give me a time?
Uh, maybe like 8?
Like 8 o'clock. Fuck yeah. Alright, okay. Alright.
All right, you want to give me your Snapchat or something so I can find you?
Snapchat, unfortunately.
Fuck that.
All right.
All right, look, I got to go.
All right, I got to go get ready.
I have to go shave.
Okay.
All right, I'll see you there at 8 o'clock.
What's your name, Lindsay?
Lulu?
What was it?
Jenny.
Jenny.
All right, Jenny, are you, I mean, how tall are you, 6'2"?
5'10".
5'10".
What do you weigh?
Maybe like 180.
Oh, you're a big girl.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you could lose a good 60 pounds there, honey.
Mm-hmm.
What size you are?
What are you in?
A 14?
Like a 15.
15?
Okay.
Alright.
Okay.
Well, you know, I just realized I have...
It's Christmas Eve, you know, and I have that thing to go to.
Okay.
So, I'm just gonna...
I can't make it to the movie tonight.
Okay, that's fine.
Alright, I'm sorry.
I mean, maybe you can just take your child out or something.
Why don't you do that?
I'm single.
I don't have any kids.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Alright, well, seriously, look.
This has been a big misunderstanding, okay?
All right.
Larry sent me, though.
Larry did.
And I'm looking glass.
All right.
Bye.
Jesus Christ.
I don't know.
She's trying to.
I don't even want to talk about it.
Hey, let's hear this prank call from the beginning, okay?
Shut up.
Thank you for calling the Norad Track Santa hotline.
Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.
The Norad Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.
Norad Track Santa, this is Sergeant Mesa.
How may I help you?
Yeah, Sergeant Mesa, this is looking glass.
All right, sir. How can I help you?
This is good. Confidence is high.
Oh, yeah.
We have three inbound tracks from the Soviet Union. Impact points. What is your state of readiness, please?
This is looking glass. What is your status, please?
Yeah, exactly. This is NORAD, and I'm looking glass, and I'm carrying out an order, an executive order from the commander-in-chief.
We have three impact points, three incoming tracks from the Soviet Union. Can I have a confidence level report, please?
Now, is this real world?
Yeah, I need a confidence level report, please.
Will you hold for one second, sir?
Okay.
This is a horrible idea, Carly.
You're going to start a nuclear war, and it's going to be our fault.
Oh, shit.
You're going to die.
We are at DEFCON 1.
I just placed the fucking western seaboard on alert.
Easy, easy.
Easy with the music, with the volume, and playing the wrong music.
That's why we need Milkman here, man.
Let's go right into it.
So, we haven't really had a prank call.
We've just had, like, interesting conversations.
I'm not satisfied yet.
I cannot end the show yet.
I'll have to go late tonight.
But that all depends on if the calls are hitting off.
Depends on me and how I'm doing.
I am not drinking alcohol this year.
Right.
That may help.
Nunu has an idea about calling people named Alexa and Siri and acting confused.
Have you shared this idea with anyone else? I thought this is a private idea. Let's kill this ringing new new report
I want I don't want to be like do I'm the third guy the second guy
Doing the idea that you came to me with because no I'm not that I don't know
I don't want anyone to accuse me of anything of anything
So before I start doing these before I get an answer from you know, that's not what this is about
That's not what this is about
But if he weren't right here tonight, he'd say Merry Christmas and to all...
A stupid night.
We gotta call NORAD.
God damn it.
Someone give me the NORAD number at once.
Oh, yeah.
Your call cannot...
Great call.
Great, great, great effort.
You guys don't worry.
I will make this happen.
I will make this night work.
This night will work tonight.
This will work tonight.
Let's get to the bottom of that and figure this out once and for all and move on.
We got another Alexa here.
And we gotta get NORAD, guys.
NORAD.
Nourad Nourad, come on. Let's go. I need someone to get me that Nourad number. Nounou, Nourad number. Let's go. Dwight, everyone.
Your international call cannot be completed as...
I'm calling a moratorium on the rule of no numbers in chat right now, and that includes discord.gg slash pranks.
I grant general absolution.
Yeah, Nounou, give me an example. I don't need that kind of example. I need you to put it in. Type it in. You twit with your fingers on the keyboard. Type it in. You twit.
song goes out to brad carter
I'm making a slight adjustment to the caller ID
number where's the fucking number
all the people talk about dora dred dwayne dwayne
all that local news saying it
here we go
dwayne is that a real number?
what do you mean stupid?
I don't have a dial pad
fuck
there's a way to do this
input device
no that's not it
switch to calls here we go
here we go
here we go here we go
oh that's not it
shit
there we go xyz helping
xyz that's what I need xyz calling you right now I need xyz can you join I need a young sounding
person to act like my bratty ass kid who's getting santa shit canceled tonight like you need to be
I need I had this idea I never shared it with you it'd be great let me know xyz check in please
all right everyone general absolution cancel thank you for calling the norad track santa
operations center yeah all of our santa trackers are currently online with other callers please
All right, so that's the one that we don't want to hear.
We're going to keep dialing until we don't get that.
Let's do it.
Thank you for calling the...
Thank you for calling the...
Here we go.
We're in.
Hello, Norab.
This is the Airborne.
Confirm inbound missiles in the U.S.
Roger.
Understand.
Major Reinhardt, we have 12 CMOS ballistic missiles inbound on the U.S. now.
Hey Big Amy how you doing I'm good you got some nice snacks over there they'll forget moderation
on that Big Amy okay because you don't want to get fat like you don't fit in your uniform or
or anything like that
Big Amy
Cannot resist
Alright, XYZ is checking in ready
I got a green light from XYZ
Let's go ahead and pop him in
I'm gonna test that
Planner Planner Planner Get a look at yourself And that's what happened.
I gotta let it go.
Oh, wait wait, xyz don't go anywhere, Hang on.
This is my fault.
Can you say something now?
Yeah, I got to let the hood at the table.
Oh, please..
Oooh.
Oooh.
Niggas looking like the niggas like the niggas like the niggas.
Ooh, we have a technical issue.
Anybody who didn't pay respect.
Oh, I never connected the cable.
Well, you gotta pay some extra.
xyz
Hang on.
I gotta pay some extra.
Uh, shit.
I mean I got the socket.
There's nothing connected to it.
I gotta suck at the potion.
I got a monica potion.
Whoops!
I got a monica potion.
you gotta keep shit rollin' it's Dick, it's Dick, it's Dick
Cables, I hate cables, cables and cables and cables
Alright X, Y, Z say something please
Try to
Yes
No
SHIT, SHIT
Alright say something
Oh, I'm up?
Ok now you got an echo part
Yeah I hear an echo but that's ok
Should be going away soon, yeah? No?
Oh yeah no I don't hear it anymore
Ok good
Alright yeah yeah yeah yeah
Alright alright alright
I'm ready to go
So your going to be my son
Let's say uh teenage
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We're in, we're in.
All right, check Santa, this is George.
Yeah, hey, George.
How you doing, big guy?
I'm doing fantastic.
How are you doing?
Oh, not bad, not bad.
Well, can you give me a readiness status on Santa, please?
Santa's current location is he's heading for St. Paul, Quebec.
St. Paul, Quebec.
Is he being escorted currently?
Right now, yeah, he is an escort of, let's say, nine.
He has a nine reindeer escort going on.
We have some fighter jets that are ready to intercept if need be, but Santa is a peaceful ambassador, so we're not expecting any interference.
Well, I don't know. I mean, it's a very heightened state of alert right now, and I really don't appreciate the fact that you guys have Santa up there just with reindeer escort right now.
I mean, this is NORAD, and I know, excuse me, I understand that he's in Quebec right now, but this is NORAD, and that is a combination of Canada and the United States.
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ProducethePublicDocument.com
dedicated to train where he is and all this stuff and that's something you know
It's like cubauser stuff right here
Yeah, yeah, I may be this is what they used to do in the Soviet Union
They used to track all the planes and everything in their airspace and report on and but now you're making a whole spectacle out of it
Too it's disgusting. You're teaching us the children. This is my son or
I'm 14 years old okay, and I even know this is wrong
Meanwhile, I don't have a ray of hope pois
He's in cross-country. He's super fast. He's autistic, but he's super fast and super focused
Yeah, you even know what cross-country is? Yes
Yeah
I'm probably faster than him. It wasn't a great
Honesty, what do you have to say for yourself? You know about this?
This is sick. Do you mean brother like Air Force brother or like you know, fellow fellow fellow fellow
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Tracking Santa Claus
Tracking fake news basically
This is what's happening in the Trump administration in 2017
Can't believe it
It's the Trump administration
It's the first year I've ever heard of it
You've never heard of Norris Nash Rector?
This is ridiculous
No I don't believe you
Present the proof, present the evidence
Made up evidence he's gonna present
Doctorate evidence
You guys have a great night
All right, good night, buddy.
Night.
Nice guy, nice guy.
What a nice guy.
Yeah.
I heard lots of clicks, and I was like, oh, yeah, like patching in.
Admiral's listening.
What's going on over here on 28?
We've got a guy calling in.
Thank you for calling the Nora Trek Santa hotline.
Radars indicate Santa has launched.
Hi, how are you?
Are you an elf?
I'm actually a...
Are you retarded or something?
I'm good.
Hi.
Oh, how does Santa go to take a shit?
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Hello, Northrack Santa, this is Erin Pruitt. How can I help you?
I'm doing really good. How are you?
Oh yeah, there's a lot of people here.
You sound like you're an air traffic controller, bitch.
Woman. Female. Oh my god. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh no, it's fine. I do this for a living.
I've been drinking.
Hey, alright, so my son, Gaius, he's autistic.
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I don't know what this is going to do to help me feel better.
Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Where do you live?
Um, Chesapeake Bay.
Chesapeake Bay.
Okay.
So Santa is in Montreal, Canada right now, and he's heading to Ottawa, but he should be there pretty soon.
That's pretty gay.
I'm sorry, what?
I said that's pretty gay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, listen.
Listen, no.
No, we don't say that.
Hey, no, I'm just...
No, because, no, listen, listen, listen, you little shit.
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Oh my god
Alright, I'll take Sane off
We're diverting him
Sure, yeah, please just don't hit your kid
Oh my god
That's pretty gay
That's all she had to tell me
I thought she was gonna like console me or something
About the fight or something like that
She didn't care
I don't even know if she heard half of what was going on
So loud
Just, you know, tweeting on her phone
You know, am I Nora?
Oh my god
They let me learn my tits
I heard that first one you did
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Thank you for calling the Nora Check.
What was it? You gotta go?
That's fine.
Oh, no, I was just saying, if you have any more to do, I can jump on in and do that.
Otherwise, I gotta figure out, like, I gotta figure out how to wrap these presents, too.
Oh, well, wrap your presents.
I gotta call Milkman.
I gotta see where the hell he's at, and he gets really weird.
Oh, good.
Thanks for doing those.
I had an idea a week ago to do those with you.
We can do them later.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
No problem, man.
Yeah, Merry Christmas.
Hey, you too.
Yeah, man.
Thank you very much for having me on.
xyzshow.com xyzshow.com xyzshow.com xyzshow.com
The last few weeks, but it felt a little better today. Yeah, that's not like fuck it. That's why I just like fuck it, dude
You got a you know, it's almost call. It's almost call. It's almost call. Stop calling someone. Stop calling. All right
I got the CEO's phone number now. I need a toll-free number. Thank you for calling to reach mark cell phone
Press 1 for his office. Press 2 to leave a message
Hello, yes, hi, is that mark? Yes, it is. Hi, this is cross
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Cust spoke to customer Mark at 11.25 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
Mark used racial epithets, refused to cooperate, was asked several times to stop making racist and sexist comments.
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All right, sir, I think I have everything I need.
Did you need your confirmation of this conversation?
Yeah, sure. Confirmation number would be great.
Let me get that here for you.
And I'm sorry I have to do this, sir, but this is a negative report against you.
And if you accumulate three of these in the life of your account with us, you'll be terminated.
That's lovely.
Okay, got that confirmation number for you now.
Are you ready, sir? Are you still making notes?
I am.
All right, that's 1127- and then today's date, starting with the year,
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All the things in the report.
I didn't do any of the things in the report.
Well, you did make slanderous and negative comments about Comcast.
You posted a screenshot.
What were the slanderous things?
You posted a speed test screenshot that put us in a negative light, sir.
Well, that is unfortunate that that's the speed I was receiving.
I have a question for you.
It's a little hard for that to be something slanderous.
I have a question for you.
Go ahead.
I realized halfway through our conversation you decided to put this phone on speakerphone when you started typing.
is there a specific reason for that yeah did you want to make certain record you uh did you ask
for permission to record this is a two-party state i'm in a one-party state so it doesn't
matter no it does matter both parties have to be on the same party level the party with the state
with the most number of parties in its legislation is the one that it's defaulted to and that's been
proven in three court cases sir at all the way up to the federal level that's very nice i'm talking
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Merry Christmas
Oh shucks
You too, have a good night Matt
Buh bye, bye Mark
Jesus fucking dork
Peeing
Peeing
Peeing
Pick up the phone Milkman
Pick up the phone
Hello
Hey
Hey, you're there. I was in a long prank call. Hey, bicho. How you doing?
What kind of marijuana did you get? Tell me what you get. What'd you get? What'd you get?
You're driving. Very good. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Now you're driving and
You're working Christmas?
Ah, yes. Very good. I remember that movie.
Listen, you're working tonight? What's going on?
I don't know. I'm on my way home now.
What happened was that normally my place is cool, right?
But tonight, for whatever reason, they're closed early on the eve.
They opened up a new place at 2 o'clock.
All these dudes are talking basically the same place.
It's a super center.
The Supercenter with Better Hour
Flagship Store
Show your dick so they know you're not a cop
Is that how it works?
Hey man, I want to see your dick
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
Show your dick so they know you're not a cop.
I hate to look at my dick.
There's a couple chicks in there that, you know.
Anyway, you gotta be civil.
Right.
Be a new time guy in there and then walk right in there.
Hey man, let's do this.
Go stop.
Stop it.
Hello?
I don't know if, I got to play, I played you again saying, hey man, let's see your dick.
Well, why would they say that?
Why would guys after, is that normally what happens with you?
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Dude, I was f***ing my ass.
I could normally just get a little f***ing, you know, baby ass.
You know, he dies, but you get it right off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Totally.
All right, look, I'm looking for United, uh, United Air.
We have a United Airlines complainer.
So let's try to get his number.
See if we can find, like, a local E1, but I probably won't.
All right, we'll go with a toll-free one.
Yeah, dude, we'll get you to get in town, dude, man.
I don't need a free town car.
Fuck yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
I'm telling you why.
99%?
Yeah.
I've tried it?
Uh, I think I've tried the 80% stuff.
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I think I paid one time
or no I didn't have to pay one time
because I used my medical
but this place is not using them
there's some other weird shit too
oh fuck this is hilarious
this in here don't take cash
this is tripping me out
you gotta take your money
and go to the other window once you decide
what you want and get monopoly
tokens dude
you're kidding
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I
Yeah, but everyone else takes cash, what's the big deal if everyone else is taking cash
Yeah, like I'm out here man like they fuck with you and shit about cash, you know
You can't use a bank and all that shit like
Anyway, whatever they said that we got a piece of paper with me. Whatever I bought monopolies
Dude, it worked, man, because same shit I always get, man.
Gotcha. You're just exchanging tokens. That's all you're doing, dude.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're talking with Milkman, co-host of the show Medical Marijuana Patient and Proponent in California.
That's what you were just listening to. And there you are.
We have now legal records.
So, like, literally, dude, I'm going to have you. I can take you over there.
You show them your ID, show them your age, you know.
Yep.
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Let's try this.
Your call has been forwarded to an automated phone.
God damn it.
Your call has been forwarded to an automated phone.
Oh, shit.
Another one.
We're having a little trouble with the numbers.
Yeah, they're not hitting off very well tonight.
Oh, okay.
I noticed that, man.
Okay.
What about like some of the other ones we used to call, like Hawaii or one of those places?
Yeah, I did some Hawaii calls, and they were all right.
And I called NORAD.
That went okay.
Oh, I missed it.
I'll call again.
Don't worry.
I'll call now.
Oh, okay.
They were just closing in Hawaii.
I'm going to call them anyway.
All the stores were closing in Hawaii when I called.
I don't know.
What about California?
We can call restaurants.
We've got stuff to do.
Don't worry.
We're good.
Nunu has some ideas.
Is Nunu still alive, man?
He's still alive?
Yeah, sure.
Of course he is, man.
I never die.
I heard he was in the old folks home, man.
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or he died
now he's just some bot right
basically
your call cannot be completed as dialed
I forgot the country code
notes available now
please leave your
I'll try again
714
P714
see I'd heard that
whenever that BT
whatever 1 4
whatever picked up
that that meant that
it was like a privacy director
thing because your caller ID wasn't legit
it wasn't going to let it go through
I tested that theory and it worked
and it actually
it looked like to be true
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I got one here in particular won't ring let's drop this one I love the mess of hotel rooms
milkman don't worry dude we got I got tons of stuff I can do I'm just burning through stuff
I want to I want to do a lay show tonight I got a lot of I got I got a good number a bit of soda
I got energy drinks here I've got my medication for my diabetes here and everything all right
My favorite part of the show is when the phone rings.
So, there you go.
Okay, you want to know what we had, right?
Yes.
Okay, the inventory.
Okay, nice.
Okay, we got green sauce.
Okay.
Sugar sauce.
Terp sauce.
Three pie.
Nug run, shatter.
Okay.
Salope.
Nug run, shatter.
Num tangy nug run.
Okay.
So, terp sauce and shatter.
Yep.
Nug run.
Nug Run
Nug Run
Whatever that is
Okay
Nug Run means
That they actually took
Fucking
Killer Nug
And then they
Made the shatter from that
Not just the fucking
Like fan leaf
Shatter from the fan leaf
Ah
Okay
So they go for
Much more
Yeah they took Nug
Instead of like
Making them Nugs
And smoking them
Or whatever
Dude they fucking
They extracted Nug
That's what they call
Nug Run
The Nug
Alright
The Nug
That's shit right there
Cause that's top quality
Right
You can have a lot
What a lot of people do is on the lower quality ones, they do a lot of shapes, a lot of the leaves, not very much of the nuts.
The nut usually is like sold as flour, you know.
Right, right, right.
Right, so then what you get most of the, you know, the lower cross-shatter is you get a lot of the leaves.
I mean, high quality, but still.
Nut runs, everybody.
So, the internationals stopped working, but Eva, here's a Waffle House.
Thank you for calling Waffle House.
Hi, how you doing?
Hello.
Hey, how you doing? I said.
Oh, good. I want to make an order.
What can I get for you?
One meat.
One meat.
What kind of meat?
Like pig meat, pork.
You want bacon, ham, sausage, chicken?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, pick it.
Pig.
It's got to be pork, you know?
Well, I know chicken now.
I was just naming, like, meat.
No, no, chicken.
No chicken.
Don't be ignorant.
Let's see.
Okay, I'm sorry.
How about one eggs, then?
What kind of meat do you want?
Pig meat.
Well, you got sausage there?
Get some sausage, bologna.
I have sausage, I have bacon, I have ham.
Do you have bologna?
No, we don't have bologna.
Okay.
I'll take sausage then.
And how do you want your egg?
One egg cooked.
Cooked egg.
How do you want the egg?
I want you to cook the egg.
That's how I want it.
I know, but do you want it scrambled?
Do you want it over medium?
Do you want it over well?
Do you want it over light?
Do you want it over heat?
Sir, I really don't have time to play with you right now.
Well, it's overheat.
That's how it goes.
That's how the eggs go overheat.
I can't.
You can.
You can.
Hello?
We can do this together.
Hello.
Hello.
Is this a different person?
Yes, it is.
Oh, hi, honey.
I'd like to make an order, please.
Okay.
What are you trying to get?
Alright.
One eggs.
Repeat that.
One eggs.
And what else?
One order of eggs.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
So one eggs, cooked with heat, overheat, okay, and then I need, I also like an order of the hashed browns, okay, okay, did you, I like, I like them doubled, doubled, smothered, covered, diced, chopped, flipped, salted, divided, divided, conquered, conquered, conquered, conquered, as in divided and conquered, avenged, recombined, and that's it, that's it, okay, yes, can I have the shells for my dog?
Call in your local waffle house
Yeah man did you order pork too?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
We'll be with you in a moment.
You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NoradSanta.org.
You're going to be Santa Claus.
Norad Tracking Santa, this is Mike the Elf.
Hey, Big Mike, how you doing?
Good, how you been?
Well, I've got a bit of a problem here.
Uh-oh.
I'm talking to Santa.
He's here with me right now, and he's been drinking.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Okay.
Am I on course here, Steve?
I'm volunteering, fuck this. This is my volunteer time, man. I gotta deal with this shit.
I think that was fun.
Okay.
Calling the NORAD Track Santa hotline. Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.
A NORAD Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.
You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.
Hello, Norad Track Santa. This is Emily. How may I help you?
Hi, Big Emily. How are you?
I'm doing well, thank you. How can I help?
Um, okay. I was just here thinking out of the box. When does Santa go over the Korean Peninsula?
So Santa was last seen in Belize City, Belize. He's currently heading for Honduras.
Oh, man.
So that's where we have his location currently.
That's a bad location. That's a bad area, huh?
Santa's making really good time he's having a great flight yeah I know but I
mean that's a bad area though I mean does he got coverage at all he's doing
great and he seems to be very happy right now so he's having a good time
was there an escort right now no I'm sorry does he have an escort he does not
currently have an escort now come on really oh he's doing fine now he's
making really good time I do we have any intelligence Intel on the ground at all
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Dr. Who
they seem very busy there
I love Dr. Who
where the fuck is she from
why is she talking like that
Mandrake
oh god
that's probably one of my
that's probably my favorite movie of all time
it's Dr. Strange's book
and I'm not that
we need to get Tuck
if you want to talk that stuff
because I don't know
I don't know that
no Clay Hodge is who I was talking about
did you see that he got a book about that
the retardus
no he painted it in a book
thank you for calling the Noratrek Santa Hata
oh yes yes
Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.
A NORAD Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.
You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.
Hello, NORAD Track Santa, this is Master Sergeant Watrous. How can I help you?
Who's this, Master Sergeant?
Yes, Master Sergeant Watrous.
Master Sergeant Watrous. Okay, thank you.
I had a question. I was just thinking out of the box.
At what point does Santa go over the Korean Peninsula?
Record
Redirect
You
I
Mean Does He Have A Fighter Escort Right Now
I
Do Not Believe So
He Is Not In
North American Airspace
And They're Not Providing Fighter
Escort At All
No One Down There Is
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Help me load up some presents and get your ass out of here, right?
Yeah, put them right to work.
They're like, cool, man.
You got candy canes?
Yeah, man.
Get in, bitch.
Let's go.
Yeah, he candy canes.
Yeah, man.
Come on, bitch.
Let's go.
All right.
That's what he'd say to Santa Santa.
Come on, bitch.
Let's go.
He's drinking whiskey the whole time.
We're going to save every kid in North Korea.
Let's go, motherfuckers.
Oh, hey.
If you're back, we'll be your mummy and fuckers out of the way, man.
Make some room.
Fuck the toys.
I think the kids in America can go without their, uh, whatever the hot shit is this year.
And, uh, Santa can save us.
It's the fuckin' horsey cat, and they tried to make it the unicat or somethin' gay-ass bullshit,
and they stole the horsey cat, dude.
We have to fuckin' find out who the hell stole our idea.
That was the cat-a-corn.
Yeah.
The cataract.
That's it.
The cataract.
The cataract.
Great.
Oh, boy.
That was fun.
What the fuck's Ernie when we need that motherfucker shit?
Hey, have you heard from Jen Stewart, man?
I need a cab.
No, I didn't, you know?
I did not hear from him.
No.
My brother Jen Bobbe, Merry Holidays.
Happy Holidays and Happy New Holidays, he says.
Okay, there you go.
Happy Holidays sauce, man, whatever.
Happy Holiday
Whichever one works for you
If it's Christmas or fucking
Baikwanzer or whatever, I don't give a shit
Dude, whatever one
Merry Happy Holiday, whatever
Ramadan, whatever, I don't give a shit
Anybody, happy happy, whatever
Whatever makes you happy, right?
Dude, man, like, you don't have to fucking hate every damn day of the year
Okay, so let's all like chill a little bit
Alright, just a moment
See, I got a fucking enough hand here for you and my family
Buddy, both of us
That includes me and you at that fucking table.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for calling. Welcome. This is Justin. How may I help you?
Hey, how you doing, Maga?
I'd like to make an order, please.
I'd like to make an order, please.
One second. I'll be right with you.
All right.
What can I get for you, sir?
All right. I need one hashed browns.
I like them doubled, covered.
Sir?
Yes.
Covered?
Smothered? Diced?
All right.
Salted?
Salted
Yes
Alright
Peppered
Alright
Divided
Sir
Yes
Insalted
Divided
Divided and insulted
Yes
Also do you have
We have the pork chop there
The pork chop sandwich
Yes sir
Alright I want my pork chop
Fried hard and shit
Alright
Alright
Yeah then I need one eggs
One egg
Eggs
Eggs
One eggs
Alright how would you like it
Cooked
Alright
How would you like it cooked
With heat
Use heat
Matt Baz Milkman
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
oh so what what what what what what what and the boy in the hotel I can't wait
to have my hands all over you tonight when I come in and I had my hands all
over your macadamia nuts you know and I mean hey you Linda I have the bridge you
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I just need a pair of pants, man.
Oh, no.
Where is he?
Oh, no, no.
Hey, this is Kimberly.
I'm going to sleep with you at the-
Hello?
So please give me your name and number and-
Hello?
Hey, guys. Come on, talk. Please.
You boys need to say something if you're going to be on the phone.
Hello?
I know you're listening. I hear you over there.
I hear your mouth noises.
You guys are making out.
He answered earlier.
Fuck.
Your call cannot be completed.
There we go.
Adding ones when I don't need to.
Reach firewood H-E-L dot com.
Bitches.
Is that first guy still on there masturbating and listening?
Yeah, yeah.
They're still on there masturbating and listening.
Bunch of bitches they are.
You guys still have anything to say for yourselves the way you're acting?
Huh?
My dad was using penis wax.
Dirty monkeys.
You've reached firewood H-E-L dot com.
Fuck him.
That's right. We'll leave the light on buddy. Oh, yeah, we're definitely do some of them calls to speaking of hotels a boys
You guys can stay on you can hear us called many hotels many many hotels
We got some you know, what's not on cats ones like this guy here. I got some mail for mail ads here
This is right up these guys's alley here at the bridge or in hotel your call cannot be completed as there I go
Putting another one sexual homosexual hotel the neighborhood. Yeah, it's okay to be like that
Uh, yeah, I saw you make a order in the Craigslist for the, uh, homies looking for like-minded men.
Looking for what now, bro?
For, for like-minded men.
Okay.
My name is Smiley.
Hello, Smiley. How are you?
Oh, I like flock. You know, I like flock.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Cool. And what is it supposed to be like that?
Do you like flock?
Of course I do.
Yeah? All right. What kind of flock do you like?
The kind that, uh, gets you off and have a good time.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
The reason why this is all happens.
Okay.
All right.
Do you like poppers?
No, he's gone.
He's gone.
He's gone.
He's gone.
Hey, Bridger N, how you guys doing there?
Come on, man.
Interact with us.
Come on.
Be our friend.
He's got poppers.
Hey.
Be friends.
Please.
Please.
We want friends.
We like friends.
You're outside listening.
You're not even working.
Come on.
Be friends and talk.
I hear motorcycle.
Come on, man.
All right.
All right, guys.
I got to let you go because I have to take a break.
All right.
Maybe one more.
Big Turbo Machine
has sent in more mail
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'll be right back and give me like 10.
A good 10, 11, 12, 13, whatever, you know.
All right, Milkman, be quiet.
See you, bro.
Listening to Prank Call Nation.
The FBI will be back right after this.
You know what?
I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.
So when you die, you open a trap door at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight to the hell.
Madhouse Radio is back.
You are bigger than a woman.
You are better than a woman. We'll always be behind you. Do not let a woman. We'll always be behind you. Ever. Make you who you are.
Drunk, pervert, motherfucker.
Hijo de tu pinche reputa madre, maricón, cabrón de mierda.
If she ain't fucking, she got to go.
Tell her don't waste my time.
Police wanna stop me, search my clothes.
Tell them don't waste my time.
If it ain't money, I ain't involved.
Tell them don't waste my time.
Wasteman waffling down my phone.
Tell them don't waste my time.
No, no, no, tell him no waste my time.
Tell him no waste my time.
Tell him no waste my time, motherfucker.
Tell him no waste my time.
Yeah.
Tell him no waste my time, Milkman.
Tell him no waste my time.
Tell him no waste my time.
No, no, no, pray to the Lord, nigga, in this cold world.
Milkman, the biggest waste of time.
I'm sorry that the break took so long, guys.
I made popcorn and I warmed up some leftovers and I ate them all.
Oh, yeah.
I don't need that job.
I got more numbers from Dwight also. Milkman, are you there? Should I call you back?
I don't hear you, sir.
You, unmute yourself.
Milkman.
Matt Baz Milkman
Let me try to redial them
Ended by remote
Please leave your message for 415
Don't give that out
That'd be bad
Hello? Hey there you are
I was getting silenced, sorry. Sorry, I took so long for the break. Sorry, my bad.
Did you get all better now?
What's that?
Did you get all better? Did you get your kisses in? Did you get your dab done?
No. Yeah, I'm good. I just got popcorn. Mmm, popcorn. Yum, yum, yum.
Oh, that's what you kids call it. Popcorn.
Yeah, that's what we call it. Popcorn.
Yeah.
I'm yeah
take a look see what numbers I got pop
old bones right green crack here
well let me check on the right again always fun
here
you think you think sears will survive this holiday season I don't know how
they're still
Hello, this is Jerry. How may I help you?
Hi, Jerry.
Hi.
Uh, is Santa coming?
Well, it depends. Where are you located?
Um, um, I'm, uh, you know where.
What state are you in?
United States.
United States?
Mm-hmm.
Well, Santa right now is in Chicago, Illinois.
Oh, shit. He's where?
Yes, he's there in Chicago.
Is he in the South Side?
I'm sorry?
Pee Pee Poo
We're in Chicago, the South Side of Chicago, he needs escort.
Oh no he's had escort already.
Who you got escorting him?
He does not travel alone?
Did he leave Cleveland Center yet?
I'm sorry?
Did he leave Cleveland Center yet?
No he has not.
Mmmm, mmm, mmm..
What are you eating over there?
You got any food?
No.
I thought they gave you guys food and snacks and drinks.
They probably did earlier but that vice has started.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
We have to keep our calls short.
Oh, are you trying to say something?
Oh, wow, how rude.
I'm sorry.
How nasty, how rude.
You have an action.
You're volunteering and you have to keep a little handle time?
I'm sorry?
You're volunteering and they're, like, screwing you?
Like, so you got to have a little handle time and all this and that?
No, they just ask that we keep our phone calls short because there's a lot of people that are calling in.
Oh.
Do you want to maybe go get some macadamia nut cookies or something?
No, thank you.
Okay.
Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
You want to I will I will look for you to have your hands on my macadamians. I'm sexually harassing. I'm sexually harassing
Cool you're like that your first chick that you the guys get the fuck. All right, you're a party chick. All right
I love you. Bye
Okay, bye Jack, I had I had to get the popcorn away from me cuz I was just gonna start
God, no one wants to hear that shit. I get mad when I hear shows and people are sitting there like Dwight does it all the time. Dwight's always here.
Merry Christmas. All right, Track Santa.
Sir, we just received a message from the SAC Underground command post putting all the SAC Force crews in their aircraft with their engines started.
This is Major Wetmore.
Hey, how you doing, Major?
I'm doing great.
Okay, what's your confidence level?
What's that?
What's your confidence level rating?
Well, my confidence is high tonight.
My name is cross. What's that? My name is cross cross. Nice to meet you. Good. Where do you live in the United States? Whereabouts? I mean, I got states. Why? Well, you called the track and Santa hotline. So I'm just wondering if I can give you some turn by turn where he's going to be. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm in Arizona. When's he coming here?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Hey, am I on track?
Captain, Captain, what's my 10-20?
He's going to give me turn by turn.
Yeah, hi. How does Santa evacuate?
Evacuate?
Yes.
I'm guessing he can sag, and then he'll just come out and just slow down.
Oh, no, I mean like to pass his bowels.
Sorry, what?
What if he had to go pee-pee or poo-poo while he's, you know, he's going to have to, right?
Because he's up there 24 hours.
Oh, yeah, I think he just might just go.
He just pulls out his little penis?
Yeah, he might.
Well, I know he's just got his little pee-pee right there.
Okay, well, that would explain what happened to my cousin here,
who was dressed up as Santa, and he actually had to do something like that.
I had to eat the yellow snow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Does Santa have good sperms?
Can you look into that?
Huh?
Can you look into that for me?
I don't think I can.
That's why they have down pills.
How many?
No, nothing.
Oh, okay.
No, it's...
Yeah.
Yeah, so what kind of food they got there for you?
What kind of food they got there for you?
You got some macadamia nuts?
I don't.
Oh, they didn't get you cookies or anything?
No cookie?
Okay, I thought they had like snacks for people to eat and all that.
No? Nothing?
Nothing.
Oh, how is the vending machine there?
Is it good?
Yeah.
Are they good?
You don't have any vending machines there?
Shit.
But what if you want a snack?
I get it, I get it, I get it.
And so where are you from?
Me?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
What's wrong?
Why?
What's wrong, virgin?
What happened?
How do you know?
Are you virgin?
School.
Docker.
Huh?
Are you virgin?
School and Docker.
All right.
All right, kid.
I'm not supposed to prank you for 17, so behave yourself, okay?
All right.
All right.
What are you, like an ROTC or something?
Oh, no.
No?
Now, how did you get into freaking over there with the phones that go...
Like, how'd you pull that off?
Are you a Boy Scout or something?
No, I'm with my dad.
You're with your dad?
He brought you there.
I'm trying to figure out the name for a sandwich.
Do you believe in Santa?
Do I believe in Santa?
Uh huh.
Sports.
Oh yeah.
Okay.
What's Santa going to bring you a Nintendo Switch?
I don't know.
Maybe if you were good.
Were you good this year?
I don't think so.
Okay.
He's bringing me a bag of switches.
Is your dad next to you?
Uh no he's not.
Oh look at you.
All grown up huh?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Hey, Vagina, how you doing?
Hello?
Hello.
Hello there.
She's sitting there.
She's a roidy mercer.
Hello?
You know she's heard that before.
I'm not Vagina.
Hello, Norad Track Santa.
May I help you?
Vagina, how you doing?
Hi there.
Good.
Okay.
Question.
How does Santa Claus evacuate?
I'm sorry?
How does Santa Claus evacuate?
How does he evacuate where?
Well, to pass his urine.
See?
A
ho
J
M
presque
Dr. Who
Oh, you can hear me now, right?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Where's Santa Claus?
He's in Winnipeg calendar.
Oh, wow.
That's cool.
Very good.
Yeah.
I can't wait for him to come.
Tell us more.
I'd love to hear her.
Tell us more.
Yeah.
Tell us about Santa's sleigh.
How does it work?
Um, magic.
Yeah?
This is magic.
Yeah?
Powered or nuclear powered?
What?
Gas or nuclear powered?
Is it powered by fear?
Powered by magic
I hear you
I hear you
I hear you
I hear you
I love your accent. Where are you from? Are you from England?
I'm Scotland
Scotland. What are you doing in a naval facility?
I live here
You work there? Really?
Are you like a trade? Are you like a Scottish soldier or a Scottish Air Force woman or are you an American?
I can't really tell you that but yes
Oh wow that's so hot wow man I bet you're hot you got red hair what color hair you got what color hair you got what color hair oh nice nice do you shave do you shave your pubic hair some of the girls are awfully flirty this year I bet you she's cute as fuck Scottish girl fucking nice little outfit
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
How are you?
Chief Keef?
Isn't that the right...
Chief Keef.
Cheeky.
Cheeky?
Yeah, how are you?
Not too good.
Where's Santa at now, that fat bastard?
Well, Santa right now is in Prince Albert in Canada.
Prince Albert in Canada.
Prince Albert in Canada.
Regina, Canada here shortly.
Vagina?
He's going from Prince Albert in a can of vagina?
All right.
Where are you calling in from?
From Arizona.
Oh, okay.
I'm from USS Arizona.
I'm underwater right now.
Oh, okay.
I'm swimming.
I'm a ghost.
Ooh.
Pearl Harbor.
Ooh.
Well, it sounds like you're having a great old time.
Yep.
Yep.
Hey, um, does Santa have good sperm?
What's that?
Does Santa have good, strong sperm?
Well, I guess Mrs. Claus would know.
Well, how about the fact that they've been together for how long now and there's no Santa
Jr.?
I don't know. Nobody really knows that.
Maybe Santa has two beards.
You never know.
I think Santa has two beards.
He could, maybe.
Do you have gaydar there?
Can you guys turn on your gaydar and see if he comes back, if he pings back?
No, we really can't. We don't have that kind of technology.
Oh, wow. Well, keep working on it because you guys believe in magic tonight or something.
Yeah, well, evidently you do too. So have a great night. Merry Christmas.
Honey, baby
Have a magic. Have a magic evening. Have a magical evening. Yeah
I'm down Disney Jack Masterson's called I don't like
Would be insulting
It would be insulting to me that you're not doing it, thank you, so why don't you be nice to me?
I'm always nice to you I'll think about it I'll think about it I need a marker I need a marker I need a marker I don't smoke cigars I don't do that anymore I have a heart condition I got a hose I got a big hose between my legs I got a tube snake that is a British ring none of those numbers
I like your Alexa plan, but I can't seem to get anyone named Alexa to answer, unfortunately.
Yeah, I was wheelchair. Did you hear your wheelchair call earlier when we called you in the wheelchair? That was nice, man.
I knew it was in a wheelchair, too.
I heard the call on break, man. I heard you. We played the Nunu call when we caught him in the wheelchair.
What was it, Ucam or what was it on? Whatever, whatever it was.
Ustream? No.
Iocam or whatever it was. Something like that. I don't know.
Who remembers anymore?
I don't remember. It was like some kind of webcam, yeah.
It was good to see you, Danny. I've never seen him.
You know that guy with the Santa hat and all that?
Yeah.
This is a conversation I don't want to have.
You old bastard.
I'm like, I'm sorry. What happened?
He said, oh, thank you, man.
That's very kind of you.
We're going to bust you out of there, man.
You thought that?
Huh?
How much?
Huh?
Okay.
The practice and the stoppers are off?
The practice and the stoppers are off.
The practice and the stoppers are off.
That's what he said.
I'm like, yeah, man.
It is cool, man.
It's exactly what he does in the chat, man.
I mean, you know it's him, dude.
That Nunu, he's a bad hombre.
I got a bad feeling about him.
I'm so glad we got to talk to him before he went to be not completely.
Well, do you think out of all this time Nunu listened to prank calls like he does live,
do you think he's ever just masturbated during a show?
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman
What kind of food?
Uh, one eggs.
Eggs.
An order of eggs?
Yes, one eggs.
How would you like that?
Cooked, please.
Thoroughly.
Thoroughly.
So would you like the yolk?
No, no, no, not like that.
No, I don't need upgrades.
I need cooked eggs.
I need them cooked.
Do you like your eggs?
With heat.
With cheese?
Heat, heat.
All right.
Like temperature.
Over heat.
Over heat.
Over heat.
Some over light, over medium.
Over heat.
Oh, I don't, the light doesn't get hot enough.
You have to put them over heat.
If you just put them.
Friend, is this a prank?
No, no, no.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
We use cooking oil.
You use cooking oil for sex?
Do you have a problem with, like, lubrication, dry vagina?
Hey, how you doing, Ginger?
Good, and yourself?
First of all, I love that name.
Do you have ginger hair?
I'm kind of busy, so if you would like to place an order, you make them in the do-so.
Shut up.
One eggs?
Go after your ass.
Oh, damn.
The dyke, the pit bull dyke, hooked you up, man.
She sounds like she's a...
Damn.
A bruiser.
That's the fuckin' Pitbull day.
Tell you what, man.
Look, we're busy, buddy. Come on.
Yeah, and then I told her to shut up, but that's just mean.
That wasn't necessary.
That's just, that's nice that at least you got a chance to say that, dude.
I mean, how else was you gonna compliment her?
Well, the one before was already saying,
Oh, I can't hear ya, I can't hear ya.
And that's the little bullshit excuse.
That's the easy way to hand you over to the Pitbull.
That's the easy way to hang up.
It's fuckin' cold.
I wanna make an order for eggs.
Cooked.
With heat.
Prank
ery up
Who is it?
Dammit
Who is it?
Hey Ashley
No just saying Ashley
Well put her on I gotta talk to Ashley hurry up
This is her mom so who is it?
Well it's none of your business then
You're the problem
OK Well excuse me
Then she doesn't wanna talk to you then
Well I'm the one that fucks her
I'm the one that fucks her
I don't know who it is
I put my dick in her
I don't know
Are you talking about
I'm the problem
I have the sex
I have the sex with her
I can be a problem
Hello
Hey Ashley
Hey
Hey this is Cross
I'm the one that has the sex with you
Hello
Oh
Where's her mom there
What the fuck is that about
Come on Ashley
Don't be that way
He
He he ha ha
This is Ashley
Hey Ashley
What's up big girl
This is who
What's up big Ashley
Ashley, how you doing, Big Ashley?
Um, hi, who are you?
I'm Ashley.
Why are you calling me Big Ashley?
Oh, because you're a big girl.
Yes, this is Tequila speaking.
Can I help you?
Yeah, what do you want?
I'm talking to Ashley, all right?
You're not talking to Ashley because Ashley hasn't gotten on the phone yet.
Do you need to speak to Ashley?
And if so, you can do so by coming inside the store and speaking to her.
If not, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to stop calling.
If I go down there, if I go down there, I'm going to make a mess is what's going to happen.
Mayascope
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Awww come on!
Just a moment please
Come on
Come back, come back, come back, come back
Here you take it easy, take it easy
Hey, easy
Take it easy big guy, alright
You ready, need a Jack Masterson?
Captain Panic, take it easy Captain Panic
You need a Jack Masterson?
Why?
Come on man
You really want me to?
I will, I will, I will, I will, I will
Don't worry I will, I will
Yeah I know you
I will, I will, I will
Don't be like that come on
Come on
Don't start, don't start, don't start
Come on don't be mean
Don't be nasty, mean. What do you hate, man?
After this call, I will do it.
It's Christmas. I'll do it for you. Merry Christmas.
Do an Andy call. Do an Andy.
Thank you for calling Waffle House on Lynnhurst. How may I help you?
Yeah, this is Ashley's boyfriend.
She works here at the Waffle House on Post Road.
You know the one I'm talking about?
No.
I hate Indianapolis
It's full of shit
Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.
Not acceptable.
I'm going to try to call the first one back.
What big Ashley is that?
Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.
Your call is very important to us.
No, Ashley, don't do me that way.
Milkman, do you get an echo?
Are you getting an echo when you talk or anything?
Can you hear the music when it's playing?
Yeah, I'm kind of jazzed.
Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.
It's an album.
What's it called?
Let me see.
I believe a listener suggested this to me.
It's a group called Bonobo, like the gorilla.
Kenny G?
No, B-O-N-O-B-O, Bonobo.
It's an album called Black Sands by Bonobo.
Yeah, those are chimpanzees, man.
Mm-hmm.
And you would know, you work with chimpanzees.
Yeah, you work with chimpanzees.
There's a breed of chimpanzees.
They're the ones that only are in their sex.
They never fight.
Really?
Yeah.
Really? For real?
No, I'm not kidding you, dude.
The
Chimpanzee
Bonobo and
African
The Bonobo only do instead of fight like chimpanzees in Africa will kill each other to even eat each other man
And the no but never do that. They just have sex all the time man. They never fucking fight
Through the friendly ones
Friendly ones. Well, I guess if you consider fucking all the time friendly. Yeah. Yeah, they got they got like they got like a hairdo
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My ex-girlfriend's ass while we were taking a picture or selfie with it.
It just wanted to rub its hands.
We took a picture and it was groping.
And the chimpanzee was like, oh, yeah, you know, you want it, baby.
You may like that.
Yeah, man, I like the fuck too, man.
I know you want some big, real big dick.
What are you saying?
Ah, ah, ooh, ooh, ooh, ee, ee, ee, ee, ooh, ah, ah.
I'm hearing a little echo.
Shit.
Oh, hi, I'll talk, I'll help you.
Yeah, hi, my name is Bonobo and I'm calling from the Waffle House on North Post Road. This is this you're the South you're South Port Road, right?
Yes. All right. So we keep getting a confusion where your stuff keeps showing up over here
Well, people people are putting orders and they're coming here to pick up the food and it's
Because you people you people keep messing up you understand
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
We're not sending anybody to your store.
Why are they making orders for here and then they're supposed to go over there?
Why?
I don't know.
I'm not doing anything like that.
We're extremely busy.
And if you're really a post-pro, you are too.
We are, yeah, but I'm drinking.
Besides that, it's good as bad.
Hey Milkman, it's been a few hours. I'd like to have some people join in because I'm running out of gas
But they might be able to carry us into another hour at least you're okay with that
you stay connected so okay oh here we go your butter I'll keep you on mmm I love popcorn what am I supposed to do dude I mean I don't want their back comes on I can't be hurt you know but you've been on for a few hours now with us you know with me me and you I'm not buttered I'm just saying man there's nothing for me to do you guys do your thing alright I'm sorry Merry Christmas love man that was fun on the call man
don't be sad milkman don't be sad i'm gonna do some bonnet when are you starting your ham when does that start oh that'll be tomorrow you're gonna uh stop by and get some man you know it you know it man all right sorry dude i got some bomb ass pumpkin pie this year man great big gigantic fucking pie man and ham oh yeah this is gonna be a good one man one of my specials man it's gonna be kind of almost hawaiian style it's gonna have some pineapple action
Yeah, I love him. Is anyone connected? So I'm the bomb Dwight McClanahan
No, no answer from anybody
Well, no one's answering guess we guess guess you lucked out milk man. Guess you lucked out buddy. I'm on mute
Why are you muting or you're doing the up?
Plaza Hotel and Casino, let's see what's going on over here. I'm getting tired. I'm gonna call the show person
You've got any other got numbers are getting like well, let's do someone we got some numbers
Welcome to the Plaza Hotel and Casino, located at 1 Main Street, where Vegas began.
If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time.
Otherwise, please choose from one of the following options.
For hotel reservations, please press 1.
For restaurant, box office, or cabana reservations, please press 2.
Casino services sales and catering for bingo please press 5 for accounting please press 6 for the players club please press 1 for a casino representative please press 2
Welcome to the Plaza Hotel and Casino located at 1 Main Street where Vegas began
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I thought it was them doing it.
Hell no. This is a professional thing I got going on here, man.
It is. It sounded good. I mean, I didn't know this. I thought it was actually...
No, man. This is a real deal.
Thank you for calling the iconic Luxor Hotel.
Thank you for calling the Luxor Hotel. This is Laura.
Hello. How you doing? Yay!
Zach Montferson. Jack Massachusetts.
Hey. Hello.
Can I help you?
Well, my name is Zach. I'm here...
Easy, George.
What the fuck?
Security and leaks speaking. How may I help you?
I don't know why I got transferred to security.
I was trying to talk to the front desk lady.
Okay, let me transfer you to the front desk.
Can I explain to you what's happening?
Excuse me?
Can I explain to you what's happening?
I'm very hungry.
I'm eating my casino chips right now.
Okay.
I'm inside the casino.
I'm eating the casino chips.
It tastes really good.
So how can I help you?
They have microchips inside of them, right?
So that I can pass them through my bowels and I can still catch them.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
texted Steve
how can i call you
oh it's a man thank god that's what i've been looking for how you doing
good how are you doing sir
I need a bucket here
a bucket where
i'm in front of the machine
there goes baby
what machine
this one do you hear it
okay where are you at
well i'm in front of the machine i need to take a shit you do
yeah i need you to get over here
hey we'll bring you one right over we'll just take a shit
Madhouse Live
The things go up and down.
Uh-huh.
And it goes...
Like that.
Are you next to any of the blackjack tables or anything?
No.
What are you wearing so we can find you?
How are you going to find me?
Do you have the eye in the sky?
Do you have a camera?
Just what color clothing are you wearing and we can find you and bring you one?
I'm going to take my pants off.
Okay.
Well, that'll make it easier to find you.
I'm Over Here
Come Touch Me
Really?
Do You Have A Towel I Can Get From The Hotel To Wipe My Little Hiney When I'm Done?
Sure
Because I'm A Big Guy And I Can't Use Paper I Have To Use A Big Towel
You Do?
Yeah
Okay Well We'll Make A Look Out For You Okay
I Gotta Go Though Right Now
My Name Is Dwight McClanahan
What Is Your Name?
Dwight McClanahan
Okay
I'm Obese
I use baloney coupons everywhere
I go
Well good
Alright
Well you have a good day sir
I have a beard and I put a beard on top of my beard
Well good
Alright honey baby
Yeah alright well you have a good one
Don't forget that name
Dwight McClanahan
I shouldn't have said that Dwight McClanahan is obese
That's not true Milkman
Why would you say that
You know what Milkman
Fuck it you know what I'm going to do
I'm going to take a lot of diabetes medication and we're going to go until I crash.
Let's play this tune here while we get medicated.
Milkman, you too.
What do you got over there?
What are you going to do?
What do you mean you're going to do?
Pumpkin pie.
Pumpkin pie?
Really?
Yeah?
Is it sativa?
Indica?
It tastes like cantaloupe.
Yeah, I'll take what it is.
Cantaloupe.
What do you want to do?
Tell me.
Okay, you bet.
You got cherry pie, chowder, five of them cans.
I mean, pumpkin pie sounds like it's appropriate for the holiday.
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Jim Bob
Jim or Jen?
Jen Stewart?
No.
Negative, sir.
I have not.
I have not.
That's just, we last mentioned that.
Well, what about Blue Planet?
Ted Webb?
He doesn't return my messages.
He never returns my messages, dude.
Yeah.
I don't know.
He's around, but he never, yeah.
I sent him an email.
He returned to me.
He said everything was cool and this and he's busy and he's doing hockey and he's playing
Closed Captions by GetTranscribed.com
I know he's he's working for the newspaper. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we delivering papers. That's what I heard. That's what I heard
Well, you want to try to call motherfucker? Yeah, let's see
I'll call I'll call don't make me call
Chick cuz I think I can set up so people can actually you can actually talk to the people that color
Yeah, sorry I had to pick up a lighter, um, where we at see what Zappos is up to I doubt they're even open
I should have coordinated with Parkman also. He's good at getting the numbers. He's a good number guy.
Busy for the holidays. I didn't get a chance to talk to him yet.
Well, that too, of course.
I didn't even know. I was so surprised, man, because I didn't know until I saw that message late. That's why I called you.
Yeah, I'm just, uh, this kind of came available at the last minute.
We'll be open for limited hours on December 24th and 25th, so that our employees can spend time with their families and loved ones.
Please feel free to write us at cs...
They're going to be open later today at the 25th, but they're not open at this time, Milkman, unfortunately.
It's trying to be conferences.
Hardware guy.
The old hardware guy.
What are you talking about, Bob Vila?
No, we used to call some guy, and then the old hardware guy.
The Old Hardware
I gotta think.
An old guy, Walmart, electronics guy?
Larry in Tool World?
There was a guy at Tool World at Lowe's in Hawaii.
Yeah, maybe Lowe's, that's what it was.
I called there already earlier in the show before you connected and he uh he had already left
and they were closing at six they closed a while ago I'm sorry buddy I know I know I know I know
I'm not helping I know I'm trying I'm trying buddy I'm trying so hard well I'm trying there
dude I mean at least I thought of it I know I know what about the okay what about the one guy
Closed Captions by The Closed Captions Project
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Always trying to get one of these over eaters anonymous. They have their number posted for their thing now, but it's with
They put an extra digit. I'll be now. Please try your call again later. I don't know why they do that
No, I'm trying to join a like a one of those conference conference lines. You know what I mean?
They're not doing that in the holidays no one's doing the conference on the holidays people want to be at home with their families
Come on man. Come on man. Christmas party. We need to call Christmas party. It's too late for that. Christmas is basically over now. All that's left to do is open the presents. Thank you for calling our telephone meeting. You may enter the conference number followed by the...
If you are the moderator, please press 1. Otherwise, please hold to be placed into the conference. You are currently the only person in this conference.
I'll try another one.
Who's the manhole?
What's the manhole?
The manhole.
You liked that manhole, didn't you?
There are currently 47 other participants in the conference.
I have your time from 1 p.m. to 11 p.m.
Thank you. Merry Christmas, everyone.
Thank you. Merry Christmas, Choo Choo. Thank you.
Choo Choo.
Anybody else like to come in here?
Please press 1. You are now unmuted.
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Super Size BBWs
Vaginal Discharge
I think I took care of that. Just wait a minute
before you
come back in.
Thank you, Trace.
I think I still hear something. Just a minute.
Asshole. We need your dashboard.
Please press 1 to
You are now muted. Please press 1
You are now unmuted.
You have been kicked from this concert.
There I went, Milkman.
There before you went I.
Hello?
Hello?
I just got disconnected from that and I don't understand why.
Oh yeah.
Um, what, what, what, what can I do for you?
Well, I mean, I'm looking to get into the scene, but I'm kind of intimidated because
I was told on the side some not very nice things about these groups.
My Alexa, I have an Alexa and it started telling me that there's problems.
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I'm not familiar with drugs
Do you want to be?
Because I can get you some drugs and we can do them together
Oh no, no thank you
I'll force them on you
I'll be like, I'm going to get you
Here's a nice soda for you
And I'll put pills inside of it
You won't even know
You have a merry Christmas
And I have to let you go
I'm satanic, I'm satanic
I'm a satan person
Oh my god, knock man, lord, jesus, help me, forgive me
I'm sorry Milkman I know you're a very Christian man
I'm sorry
Milkman get off of me
come on man
come on
come on now
Milkman
hey
Milkman
I don't hear any Milkman
there you fucker
how you doing
sorry mom
mom's on the other line there
sorry
kinda late for her
don't you think
it's two in the morning
what's up
yeah that's what I'm saying
I gotta talk to her now man
it's Christmas man
I'm not gonna stay on much longer
how long do you think it'll be
it's like a couple minutes honey
alright I'll be here
alright bye
go say hi to her
Thank you for calling our telephone meeting.
There are currently 44 other participants in the conference.
I don't feel safe leaving my number anymore.
You know what?
Somehow that intruder snuck in, I think, just about the time that you and I were leaving our numbers.
Or I was leaving or giving numbers, I should say, really.
You know what?
I think the best thing that you can do, if it's possible, to turn your phone off and just ignore it the best you can.
He'll go away.
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Tallinn Salam problema
I will send an email to dense
the holidays are a little bit more beyond
the lobby guess i can on the dash snoozer couple other people that are on
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project
I don't know if it's him, but, um, yeah, I got that, but don't, don't let it worry you. You know what I mean? Really don't because you're not, it's just a testy thing, you know, I would just please press one. You are now unmuted. Well, thanks so much. You are. And Gabby, that's a lie. Gabby, that's a lie. I did not call you last night or at all.
I haven't called you ever yeah but I'm saying you said this person and that's
not right because I'm here now but I am NOT the person that's been calling you
so much I do not do that okay that's all okay I think you thank you for
identifying yourself and you're more than welcome to call okay I don't have
your number horny horny people that are awake you know that are really wide
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6 Addicts
There were some other bullshit one.
There weren't like narcotics or alcohol.
There was another bullshit one.
But they don't do it anymore.
They don't do meanings anymore.
Their site doesn't even show up anymore.
Anyway, I would do them here and there
on my own time. Never recorded them.
And when I finally did them,
the first problem is like, as you can tell
now, like people heard me do it
and other shows do it. And then now like
people are doing it all the time and bothering them.
and they are trying to do a good thing they're doing they're doing a positive thing too so you
know come on dude i mean but we're having fun we're having fun it's christmas and we're having
fun but like you know climbing is living that's why it's like we're still great man because we're
always into the next thing take it to the next place you missed you missed the beat you missed
You missed the beat. You missed the beat.
We're calling your favorite Waffle House.
Do you have Phil Henry still?
Um, I had him explain.
Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.
Your call is very important to us, so we are currently...
That's the Waffle House that I was calling as the caller I do with.
They took their fucking phone off the phone for an hour.
It's a Waffle House restaurant that's calling me.
They're like, who the fuck needs to call this place anyway, right?
They finally figured it out.
I think she was embellishing a little bit disruptive in this now I'm not for
me now you know I mean like where were you ten minutes ago when you were just
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
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The
8
s
8
s
8
8
mcdonalds,mcdonalds,mcdonalds,mcdonalds
yeah yeah fuck u
ok
I want to fuck you
I want to fuck you
I want to fuck you
Huh? Hello?
I want to fuck you
Uh did you-
Yeah so you heard this is-
I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I'm drunk
I have a chicken
I have a chicken
I have a chicken
I caught a chicken
I can't put in a chicken over the phone
I caught it
I caught a live chicken
You caught a live chicken
I want to bring it in
I want to fuck it
I haven't even taken my pants off yet.
Yes, I need an order of hash browns, doubled, covered, smothered, chunked, topped, diced, salted, peppered, combined, fried, punched, kicked, urinated.
I really can't hear you.
Oh, hang on.
All right, I'm sorry.
The first thing I heard was the double hash brown, smothered, double covered.
Yeah, chunked, diced.
I'm gonna fuck the chicken I'm gonna fuck the chicken I'm gonna fuck it all right yeah we're gonna fuck the chicken everybody yeah it's a great show we're having here tonight good call good quality show milkman all right I hope you're there still milkman I've been in fall sleep I hear some snoring uh-huh sleeping you missed a good call thank you for calling your local waffle house your call is very important to us
Do you think NORAD is so operational? It's 2.25 in the morning.
Man, let's fuck with them. Let's come in some more crime.
What's up, buddy? Sorry, I'm making noises.
Great radio here. What time is it in Hawaii?
специфика
Spongebob
Warhammer
Spongebob
Spongebob
Spongebob
Spongebob
The Force
Spongebob
Spongebob
Have you heard about Drunk Santa, man? They got that out here.
What's that?
Kids dress up in Santa outfits and walk around and get drunk and fucking walk with all these bars infused and fucking all that crazy shit.
Oh my god.
It's really popular.
Thank you for calling Norad Track Santa.
They're busy now, let's see.
I imagine at some point what'll happen with this line is it'll be a tradition for a whole generation to just call and fuck with Norad on this thing.
Thank you for calling NORAD Tracksata!
If I can have my way, if I can become
Thank you for calling NORAD Tracksata!
If I can have any influence on pop culture, it would be to institute that.
Thank you for calling NORAD Tracksata!
The Tracksata hotline, let's say in the 2020s, will be cancelled because of the fact that all that was going on was
Thank you for calling NORAD Tracksata!
White people, no white people, was people calling
Thank you for calling NORAD Tracksata!
and prank calling and saying really crude nasty shit
Thank you for calling NORAD Tracksata!
long after I've done dumb stop doing prank calls guys I don't know if you've ever tried balsamic
vinaigrette on fruit but you guys should really try that it's really good for you and it tastes
really good you need to get yourself a good balsamic I went to this uh vinegar and oil store
here uh in Pennsylvania and man they had they must have had and thank you for calling norad
Easily at least a hundred different kinds of infused olive oil and balsamics.
Oh my god, it was delicious.
Any kind of fruit you could imagine, spices, combinations thereof, other things.
No more NORAD calls.
Norad Santa Dott yeah unfortunately looks like they're either too busy or
they've stopped doing the calls not sure yeah I know I know because it was yeah I
would have lost you in the shuffle if I kept adding you and taking you out oh I
mean you would have gotten disconnected and we don't want that we don't want
that um milkman this is late enough it's 2
30 in the morning I got to go can you help out here can you be a pal and
And without resistance, can you start taking us out of here, please?
Thanks, buddy. I appreciate that. I appreciate that.
Thanks to you, Milkman, for being here tonight.
I want to thank XYZ, who helped out with a couple calls really super early.
As My Autistic Son
I want to thank Dwight McClanahan and Nunu
Who sent in numbers
That I was able to use
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Milkman, be sure to
Write it down
Next week for New Year's Eve
I'll probably be doing a show
I think that we might be
Might be doing a show next week
Madhouse Live
Facebook MadHouse.Live
The
I
Clean it all up and post it that could take as long as a week. Sometimes I try to do it within three days
But I have good weeks and bad weeks anxiety issues. You can also
You know donate any amount there to be honest with you. I want to thank
We had a donation an anonymous donation of $100 and I want to appreciate
I sent appreciation to the person who is this
Decided
Madhouse Prank Call
madhouselive.com is my homepage be sure to hook yourself up with the podcast link there
for the Madhouse Prank Call Podcast all right I think that's enough there's other plugs to do
but that's enough that's enough right uh I'll uh look out for me here for New Year's Eve if not
I'll do something before that thanks for tuning in goodbye Merry Christmas Happy Holidays
Prank Call Nation
Prank Call Nation
Yeah.
Asshole.

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