I Want Real Woman

23 Mar 2018 · 2 h 52 min · 12,537 words · source
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Transcript

How does your bicycle seat smell?
After a hard day's ride, huh?
Okay, come to me, you piece of coward.
Come to me and talk that in my face.
This is a joke, right?
No, do you know what labia is?
Yes, I do.
Are you kidding me?
Don't you worry about it, motherfucker.
Don't call me and talk to me like that.
Don't call anybody on the phone and talk to me like that.
Shut your fucking mouth.
Go to hell.
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.
I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.
Madhouse Live
I will give $25 to a woman who will sell me her used pantyhose.
Pick up. Pick up, motherfucker.
Pick up the phone, motherfucker.
Pick up the phone, motherfucker, you.
Pick up the fucking phone
Pick up the fucking phone
Pick up the phone motherfuckers
Hey
Pick up the shit motherfucking phone
I do that cause it's a regular
It's a regular answering machine and they can hear it
It'll play throughout the house
What are you doing are you trying to treat him like Homer
Yeah yeah I yell at Homer all the time
It's fun
Fucking Toys R Us is still ringing like a motherfucker right
You believe that shit
Here's someone that actually did what Dwight says to do
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Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
Madhouse Live
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
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Prank Dose.com
Here's someone who's looking for manure, horse, cows, chickens, and or goats.
They will remove for free.
Did he say chicken?
Let's do it.
I have an idea let me change the caller ID for this to make sure we
really get in there get up in them DMs I learned that on MTV fucking shit you
motherfucker you work now motherfucker do it now motherfucker so you gotta talk
to your call has been forwarded to an automated voice try it again
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
God damn it.
Here's a guy looking to do odd jobs.
Okay, see the last time in this publication that there was a guy looking to do odd jobs.
I made him go to the Walmarts and I told him I was watching him and I wanted to show him my dick and all this stuff.
And he spent 30 minutes looking for me in the parking lot going up the cars going, where are you at?
Where are you at?
I wonder if it's the same guy, which I tried to call him the next week.
and he had already changed his number
yeah hey how you doing
you looking to do some odd jobs
yeah
oh good good
have you ever done odd jobs
you have any experience with that
yeah I've done it most of my life
most of your life you've done these odd jobs
okay alright alright
are you like a gypsy guy
or like what are you
I just I take whatever I can get
I have a hard time finding work and stuff
are you married children
no
no no children
no
oh shit
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Who you there with now? Who's there with you? Your buddy? Your son?
Yeah, just me.
I thought you were asking someone where Horse Machine Ranch Road is.
Listen, I don't know. I tried to get a guy to do an odd job for me once at the Walmarts.
Meet me there, and he got real upset at me. I don't know if it was the same guy or not.
Yeah.
You want to be that guy?
Well, I flopped my dick out in front of him in my car, and he didn't appreciate that none.
I'm not convinced that was him.
He said he didn't have kids, but maybe that's just his cover.
You know, he was like, I'm gonna tell this guy.
Anyway, I was looking for that audio, but it's gonna be a pain in the ass.
And it's not worth it.
We're getting derailed here.
I don't have a curfew tonight, so I get really late.
You know what I mean?
Well, here it is.
Here's someone else.
someone else did it without permission apparently someone else edited this down because it's 20
minutes and it's on youtube this is not me i did not i didn't do this holy shit people stealing my
shit you see what i'm talking about man what's up no you're not sorry step out your fucking car
and show your goddamn face bro show your goddamn face you just made me waste my last little bit of
goddamn money you're gonna hit me i'm gonna beat the fuck out of you if i see you man no no man
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'm not convinced guys I'm not convinced but I think it's it's fun to pretend let's just pretend
it was all right let's just say that it feels good right does it feel good to you guys man who
the fuck is digital bear productions and why are you taking my shit mother fuck are you god damn
good god sir or ma'am hey well I guess whoever that is came through because I was able to play
We have a farm all cup for sale. Listen guys. Are you here? Dwight? What's going on?
Do I gonna call your cell phone?
If you don't answer you don't say something type something type if you hear me type typing and we're typing and typing
Let's go. He said be right back ten minutes
Twelve minutes ago. So I'm back. Oh, you're back. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks for coming back
I thought it was me this whole time because you know, the producer doesn't fucking talk. He's a deaf fucking mute
Madhouse Live
The other one punched him in the head and that brother shit his pants. Hello. Yeah, how you doing? Thank God
Hey, you have a
1940 cent farm mo club farm mo club. Oh nice
How how long you been running that thing like is it still running or is it just for look?
My
Feces let me get my husband on the get a man on the phone who knows what's going on
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It's fucking he knows what dick means.
Hey, man, I don't need your shit.
Whatever he fucking said.
I'm too tired for your shit.
I'm too tired.
You got a big dick on that tractor.
Got a big dick.
Run over the chickens.
I'm here, chicken.
All right.
Smell you later.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Nice
What do I say to the breast milk lady
Woman selling breast milk
What's something funny I can say
Chat rooms
United chat rooms
What are
What can I say for breast milk
Whoever has the best idea
That'll be the one I use
Or I could just come up with it myself
Right
Yeah
Um
So then before we get to that
I'll do something else
So this person has a car
Day driver requires
This is someone looking for a ride
This one here
Oh they
They basically need someone
Maroon Sports
Converse
I have to work a shift
You need to work that shift for them
And they're providing the car gotcha
DA Driver Requires Sunday Double and Monday Jesus Christ
Let's look here
You know I used to have a medallion number
I've got five medallion numbers
Thank you for using Magic Jack
we're performing upgrades to provide even better service
please try your call again later
What the f****
Who the hell's trying to use a magic jack
Madhouse Batch Ejections
I'm going to watch it. I'm going to go honk honk. This is the song you play when you buy a breast milk.
Puta. Puta. Hello? Aw, man. Damn it, Dwight.
What was that? I don't know. Try again. Third time. Third time. Let's do it. Let's do it.
Por favor, deje su mensaje para...
Whatever. Whatever.
Thank you for calling Toys R Us and Babies R Us.
I give up. I give up on the Toys R Us.
Look, they must be super busy now.
The nerds are in there buying all the toys.
They sold all the phones already.
All the phones are sold also.
They got one phone left.
Oh, man.
Well, I guess that's the show.
No.
Petting zoo and pony rides.
Thank you, Dwight McClamahan.
Oh, you got more before that.
We got some chickens, huh?
Some hens?
Cage?
Nice, nice.
Christina, she didn't answer.
Bitch.
All right.
I'm not missing one, am I?
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I wasn't sure if it's plastic or metal or aluminum or...
It's metal, it's metal.
Shit, fuck yeah, alright, good.
And, uh, how, how, what's the measure then?
What's the measurement, motherfucker?
I, I put the measurement over there, I think it's 36 by 22 by 24.
You didn't put nothing on here, no measurement.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
God damn it.
Alright, good.
Uh, and I pick it up, right?
You don't, you don't deliver the shit, right?
I pick it up.
You shouldn't, right?
Yeah, I won't pick it up.
I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna pick it up.
Okay, you want me to go to your house, you want me to Walmart?
Okay, alright.
You can bring wife and I'll put her in the cage and see if it works.
Bring your wife, I'll put her in the cage and I'll shard my penis through the cage.
Alright, and I'll urinate on her while you're watching.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
okay okay motherfucker okay okay you're gonna get a punch in the face
put her in the cage put the monkey in the cage put your monkey back in the cage
Hello? Hello? Hello, motherfucker. Yeah. Hi, motherfucker. Hi. All right. Yeah. Immigrants. Yeah. You happy now? You happy? I'm not happy, motherfucker. Please leave your message for... Motherfucker.
Tickle Tickle
You happy now, all right, here's another swap shop the problem won't answer cuz it's late in this motherfucker
They have a single wide mobile home for rent nice
Dwight McClanahan was conceived in a single wide mobile home. That was for rent
True story
Additionally his parents weren't renting it but the rest of that tuned in tomorrow to Dwight McClanahan's party time
Here on Prank Call Underground Radio
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I don't know if there's a guide.
Guys, look out for that guide.
I'm going to be selling an autographed copy of the guide
signed by Palindrome himself in his real name.
And he's putting his social security number on there also, apparently.
Oh, fuck yeah, bro.
Yep.
Oh, it's going to be so good.
I can't wait.
I'm bidding on that.
All right, someone's looking for comic books.
There you go, Dwight.
I know you're a big fan of The Flash.
Here we go.
He's looking for them or he's got them?
He's looking for him.
Looking for him.
Hi, yes, you're looking for comic books?
That would be my husband, Charles, and he's not here right now.
Can I take a message?
Yeah, yeah.
Because I've already spoken with Charles, and he was supposed to be meeting me like 15 minutes ago to pick up the comic books.
Are you in Dayton, Ohio?
He's not here.
You're in Dayton?
Yeah, yeah.
Let me see if I can reach him on his cell phone.
Oh, you got his, what is his cell phone number?
This is the only number I got for him.
I can't give that out, but I'll be glad to give him a call.
What's your name and number?
Oh, my name is Mr. And last name is Motherfucker.
Go to hell.
Go to hell.
What's her problem?
Yeah, she can't give us the number.
What's going on?
Jesus.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
All right.
Let me go back to the numbers that you sent me originally before we were joined by the producer.
All right.
Uh, the first one there is someone who has a car night shift. I don't know if that's the same one
No, it is not. We will now call this number everyone. Stand by the favorite one of these is
The guy that you and me got so pissed off that he kicked the guy out of the car
Or whatever, you know
What else we've seen a bunch of shit the wireless customer you are calling yay next one, okay
This is for a day shift driving. There's my mouse. Whoa, I'm having trouble seeing this mouse lately
I don't know.
I don't know what's going on.
I think I'm dying.
Oh, Gilmore's here.
Why didn't you tell me people were here?
Gilmore?
Yeah.
Please leave your message for six.
Four.
Six.
Sex.
Sex.
Next one here.
This guy's name is Farouk.
Wasn't it a wrestler back in the day?
Farouk?
I think so, man.
Remember Akeem also?
I remember they paired up.
They had this one pairing at one point in the WWF that made no fun.
It was like the big boss man.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Please leave your message for...
Hey, Lexi.
Yes?
Lexi, hey.
You got that goat?
You got that goat?
Call me tomorrow.
The goat is loose.
The goat is...
The goat is out.
The goat can't...
Where's it at?
It's on the road right now.
It's angry.
It's...
I think...
Is it in heat?
Is it a female goat?
Hello?
I don't know.
She doesn't give a shit if she's currently, like, running out the door to find the fucking
goat.
Fucking...
Oh, fucking nanny goat.
Oh, my God.
The goat.
The Goat
Look at Akeem dancing
Hey, he had that fucking dashi
Why was
I just don't get it
Why
The big
Oh, hit the fucking goat
Get the fucking goat out of here
Hello
Sexy
Lexi
Sexy Lexi
She's there listening
She's listening
So someone
Oh, holy crap
Wait a minute
Hold up
100 pieces of lifestyle condoms
Huh?
Ultra sensitive ones too
Wow, those
Those are the good condoms
Right there
You should tell just wild stories
Like you're gonna prick holes in them
To get your girl pregnant
I'm gonna distribute these to kids in high school but they're gonna have holes
just use a condom guys because I need to spread the flock you need to grow all right I like this
I like this let me change the color ID here to match
Madhouse Live
Yeah, hey, how you doing? Yeah, good. Good. Yeah, I was giving you a call. We're in the
Condoms you had a hundred hundred piece set of condoms or the condoms condoms condoms
You had condoms lifestyle condoms a hundred box a box of 100 condoms. Oh, you mean now
100 piece that one. Yeah, 100 pieces lifestyle ultrasound condoms
So already oh shit because you know, I put holes in them
I put holes in the condom and I give them to people when they get pregnant.
You know, because I want there to be more Christian people to breed out the dirty Asians and the dirty Mexicans.
I want there to be good white people, so I give this to kids in high school, the white kids.
I say, hey, you want some condoms, bro? Hey, buddy? Like that, and they have holes in them.
They don't even know. They're like little, little, little, little holes.
Oh, you mean condom have a hole?
I put the holes in the condom and I give them to teenagers so they get so they get
pregnant yeah I get crazy yeah you give a free condom to the teenager but it has a hole
so that they learn their lesson you know so that they learn I'm doing God's work because
that way more God's babies are born you know and then but no and then like especially like
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
How do you speak Cantonese?
Yeah, both, yeah, both.
Oh, ni hao.
Uh huh.
Ni hao.
You are from China?
Yeah, yeah, I used to live in Shenzhen.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, I moved there to have sex with the whores, the women, the ugly Chinese women that couldn't
find a man.
I would fuck them.
Oh, where to find a woman to fuck?
I was also hoping to find a woman to fuck.
Oh, but I was an English teacher and I fucked the students, you know?
Oh, you're an English teacher?
Oh, you want to fuck?
If you want to fuck, I have good American women, you know, for fuck, if you want.
They like Asian, Asian boys.
They like Chinese boys.
Who?
Huh?
Who?
Your friends?
Yeah, I have friends, yeah.
Your friends can fuck?
Yeah, we party.
We're in Berkeley.
We hang out in Berkeley.
We smoke marijuana and we fuck.
Yeah, we have group sex.
Group sex?
Yeah, group sex.
Yeah, you know, like many men and women, you know.
Madhouse Live
We're meeting tonight.
We're all meeting here.
We're going to have a couple drinks or dinner, food,
and then we're going to go to the hotel together.
We have five rooms that we booked together.
They're all together, connected, and everyone's invited to come.
Yeah, that's why I was calling you because you have the condoms, you know.
But we'll just buy condoms, you know.
Oh.
Yeah.
Do you know where?
Can you come?
You want to come to Berkeley?
So you mean they don't know each other?
No.
Shattuck Avenue
Shattuck in Berkeley
How many boy and how many guy?
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
GloryHoleFoundation.com
But it's all free, right?
So you don't know the 13 girls, right?
Only it's just the first time to meet?
Only two free
And then they bring some friend
And then also one sex right
Yeah and everyone's sex
Everyone is having sex
We all have sex
A lot of sex
Until like 5 in the morning
Sex sex sex
Like two girls one boy
Two boys two girls
One boy one girl
You know whatever you want
We have sex in the pool
Can I come later
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
You need to come tonight. Do you have a car? You have a car? You have a taxi? Uber? What are you going to do? I don't know. I need to give you the address. You don't want to come?
So you mean come to eat dinner first?
Say what?
Come to eat dinner first, right?
Yeah, or drink, whatever you want. We're just going to talk and make friends here to know each other. And then if whoever wants to go, can go. Whoever doesn't, just go home, you know?
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Pabong
Duff
Sour
Mung
Poo
Pou
Pou
Pou
Pou
Pou
Pou
Pou
Pou
Pou
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
You bought the condoms at Costco, and they were too big for you, and you had to sell them, right?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not buy from Costco, yeah.
Oh, but you bought...
But right now, it's not...
What happened?
Yeah, but right now, it's not...
They were too big?
They were too big for you?
No, no, no, no.
No, because the condom is someone sell, and then someone no need, and then I sell.
I sell.
I have someone sell, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, like, I have to buy prescription condoms because my dick is crooked.
Your dick is really big, huh?
No, it's crooked.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
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I think he's married, that's why he's like, no, no, don't send to this number.
It's more of a Chinese guy.
Those guys are not married, like, single in the United States.
They're always married over here.
I don't know.
Whatever.
They do that say.
You know what?
I'm not, uh...
Uh, where are we at then?
Are we going to call him back?
Do you guys have the ability to send him shit?
Text me?
That's why I got the number.
I don't know if you can send him pictures and then the address of the Turkish Kitchen.
We'll send him there.
And then I'll call the Turkish Kitchen.
I haven't talked to them in a while.
Turkish Kitchen closes at 10.
Their time, which is...
Do you ever ask if it's a bathhouse, too?
Is it a Turkish Kitchen slash bathhouse?
I never brought that up to the guy.
Oh, yeah.
He called the cops on me.
You got a gentleman's agreement not to speak with him anymore.
Yeah, I agreed to a police officer, a detective, rather, that I was not going to call him anymore.
Did you actually talk to his assistant?
Yeah, we were going to leave each other alone, yeah.
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oh man
and it was
Jin Stewart
that pissed him off
originally
the problem with that
was a lot of people
kept calling that
fucking place
that's what drove
him insane
that's what drove
him mad
like everyone
was fucking
they did the same
thing to Charlie
over in Honolulu
the dude dropped
everyone kept
started calling him
all the time
now they don't
play anymore
after we did
the Pepsi orders
oh that guy
and his Pepsi order
$3,000
man I've been
out of the loop
for a while
fuck
I did one too
I did a Pepsi order
and said my name
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I don't know anyone in prison.
I think in the head yeah but I don't think she's not like a druggy kind of she drinks but she doesn't do drugs but she's something happened in her past because she always like mentions a guy used to work on pornos I used to work in pornos and I know what's I know what sex is and dicks and pussy I would I would hope so at her age she knows what that is I mean come on oh man did she have a degree also yeah some type of degree I'm gonna be filing a complaint
She had a YouTube video that we found where she was just talking about folders.
Like, folders are helpful, because folders, you can put your stuff in your folders.
So her Twitter's still around, but you can't see it unless you're her friend, right?
You should lock it down.
Yeah.
Damn.
I'm trying to see if I actually still have her.
She might have wised up to it.
Here, let me jump, like, midway into the fucking Michelle thing.
I'll jump, like, you can just hear it.
There's no money in doing prank calls.
You guys are prank calling me.
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
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Madhouse Live
Man, shit, now I want to hear that show, but I'm not going to be playing bits of shows all the time.
Yeah, yeah, no, offline.
Yeah, offline.
To learn to control myself.
Red Heeler Dog, I think we had more before that, right?
Fleshlights, oh man.
Dude, that guy and his condoms, man.
Oh, you have more condoms, eh?
I see.
Oh, you got plenty of condoms here.
Wow, Dwight, many condoms.
Nice.
Many, many.
Can someone else do a prank?
Anyone else take me off the heat?
I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it.
Dwight McClanahan is going to do a call here for condoms.
Kids out there, I recommend...
We had a point of pornos before that, too.
Girls can't get pregnant if you use condoms, especially if you don't kiss.
All circuits are busy now. Please try your call...
We got petting zoos up there.
Petting zoos. You can pet them zoos.
Why are my circuits busy? Come on, Dwight. What's going on here?
All circuits are busy now.
Oh, man. Is that a properly formatted number?
PoundrumsGuy.com
Fleshlights, Dwight, do you feel comfortable with those?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I know you have very conservative views.
They're not just for kids anymore.
Nope.
They're a good place to hide your weed.
Gotta baste that weed.
Yeah, squirt some lime juice in there with the weed.
Hello?
Hey, I'm calling about the Fleshlight.
Yeah, can you text me?
I can't talk on the phone right now.
I'm pretty busy.
You're pretty busy?
Yes, please text.
What are you doing to that dog?
Are you testing the Fleshlights?
He said please text, Dwight.
Fucking.
I know, right?
We got a different number for him.
We'll call that now, then.
I do think at the end it says, do not call me.
That's why I purposely put it up there.
It's like, call him anyway.
Man, I don't read that shit.
Hey, is flu season over yet, motherfuckers?
I think so.
Dr. Onk, you're a doctor?
No, I mean, I don't know.
I've had it the last couple days.
It's been pretty fucking bad.
Great, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, sorry.
Can you please put a mask on if you're going to be on the show?
Sorry, let me just put that on right now.
You have reached the voicemail box of...
Fuckface McGee
Trying again, same number.
A Chinese guy was down, he just needs to get in his car and go...
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
Oh, that was that guy again?
No, that's right, I was calling him again.
Well, he answered, he answered, right?
He's got such a boomy flashlight business, he needs two phones.
I can't keep up with all this flashlight purchase orders.
He's doing fucking quality control right now, that's why he's on.
Could you call me back? Just text me.
I can't really talk right now.
Testing his fleshlights out, man.
The dog's locked in his crate for the night.
He's forced to watch him fucking quality control on the fleshlights.
God damn, let me go outside.
Not again.
Yeah, you don't want to be jerking off in front of your dog.
It's pretty good.
No, you want to make sure it's lions tied up in the room.
Yeah.
You know.
Lions.
Lions.
They'll penetrate you.
Fucking lions sitting there with his eyes real bugged out.
Whoa.
Expecting the lion.
That's all they do.
All right more flashlights here for Dwight McClanahan. He can do it. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
That's what I have your call cannot be completed at dial hold the phone that we do have
I do have that flush light that giant sent me
Just pull on it looks like a dick
Purebred Breed
The wireless customer you are calling
did not pay their bill
dog for stud
I can get some firewood calls
I love firewood
Try to get some incomings firing in
I could do incomings it's really fun
I'm gonna take a break here like 5 or less probably after this
sounds good
and then we do the incomings
Hello, please leave a detailed message, and I will call you right back. Thank you. Bye. Bye
Wow, okay. I am Russian purebred
The dogs I masturbate the dogs I inseminate the dogs manually
Message and I will call you right back. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Sure man. All right
Leave message please
Stolen typewriter found
Please leave message
Alright Dwight you got this stolen typewriter
Yeah I'm gonna accuse this motherfucker of stealing it
So they're saying they found it
Or I think they're saying
It was stolen
Oh you found it
Or are they trying to say hey I said it was stolen
But it's found now
No no
According to the article
English is my second language, so...
Yes, hello?
Yes.
Calling about the typewriters.
I'm sorry?
I'm calling about the typewriters.
What about the typewriters?
Well, I'm the person that stole them first, and I need to get them back from you.
What are you talking about?
I stole them, and now you have them in your possession, and I need to get those back from you.
Well, I don't think so.
Why are you taking that stance?
Madhouse Live
So have I. I don't care either.
I put the typewriters on the internet.
It's none of your business who it is.
Who is this?
You tell him just to lay back and shut up.
You lay back and shut the fuck up.
You're going to get on top of me?
You're going to drown me with your tits?
Hey, whoever you are, you better shut the fuck up.
I'll get your number, motherfucker.
Leave us alone, whoever you are.
I'll give you my number.
You ain't even got to get it.
I'll give it to you, motherfucker, you.
Yeah, fuck you too, asshole.
Think I'm scared of you?
Don't call this number and talk to me like that, motherfucker.
Asshole
What?
You're a wet bottom bitch
Asshole
What'd you say?
Nah I want my fucking typewriters back
Asshole
Who are you?
Don't you fucking worry about it
Now where are my typewriters?
Don't you worry about it motherfucker
Don't call me and talk to me like that
Don't call anybody on the phone and talk to me like that
Shut your fucking mouth
Shut me fuck you
Come and shut my mouth bitch
I'll shut it for you now where are my typewriters?
Come and get it
I'll meet you somewhere
Come on
You want to meet me at the Walmart?
You bring my typewriters bitch
I'm not your bitch
Asshole
I'll show you
bitch
asshole
hey whoever's with you
tell them to shut the fuck up
they don't want to talk
on the phone
tell them to quit
sucking your dick
motherfucker
what
fuck you
fuck you
yeah fuck you too
asshole
I know you got me
all excited now
fuck a dick
later bitch
where's my typewriter
you little bitch
alright
you realize how
stupid that was
there at the end
you got me
I see someone get so excited
over some typewriters
you got me
my bad
I'm going to go meditate now.
It's that typewriter game, man.
It's do or die out there in the cold streets.
Who cares if a typewriter gets stolen these days?
A. B. Who steals a fucking typewriter?
Yeah, right.
I need this typewriter.
Oh, shit.
It doesn't go online.
Fuck it.
I'm going to throw it back at him.
I thought I could get YouTube on here.
Fuck.
Call him back.
Call him back.
Yeah, switch numbers.
Switch numbers.
I'll call out the typewriter.
All right.
All right.
Let me, uh, let me, God.
fucking typewriter
he was pissed
she's been to jail too bro
from the beginning he's like what the fuck
who the fuck
motherfucker
it's like these were like antique typewriters
that like his father like
reinvented and put together
himself
he hand machined each part
like his grandfather has
DNA still left in these typewriters
he wrote a book
I don't know
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Playboy Articles from the 80s
Alright, it's fucking history, man
Alright, here we go
Alright, am I talking to him?
Yes, you may
Oh, I'll smooth it over
Here are the millions here, everybody on the mouth
Here are the millions, hi
Please leave your message for 6-6
Oh, he's calling the cops
Oh, he's calling the cops
Calling the cops
Call the cops
Please leave your message for 6-6
6-6-6
How about we call him when I come back from break?
Let's take that break
Yeah, that sounds good
We'll take a break
Madhouse Live
www.madhouse.live
Let's get this money, but it's not good.
But I'm keeping my big plan was my retirement plan.
And also, pranksgiving starts next week.
Be sure to check that out.
I don't know why that's on the board here.
Still to me, thanks to that, takes that off.
I haven't updated this in quite some time.
It says Pranksgiving schedule.
Whatever.
All right, I'm gonna.
Yeah, break time.
Right.
Listening to Madhouse on the largest prank call station in the nation. Prank Call Nation.
Conductor
Mark Russell
Magner
Watch
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you are bigger than a woman
you are better than a woman
we'll always be behind you
do not let a woman
ever
ever
make you who you are
hey everybody
Carlito Machine
I am the host of Madhouse Radio
which is the show you're listening to right now
show, podcast, maybe future video
someday
I don't fucking know
I'm here joined with
let me see
Dwight McClanahan is here
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Prankmaster
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Like different artists nobody really ever stuck out to me and I heard
somebody mentioned live playing phone calls here
So I decided to check it out. I checked it out, and
Lo and be heard
I found KDK and then I was like oh yeah
donate phone numbers and stuff like that and I was like I want to be a producer for him
so I ended up finding you know getting people like
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I was literally two miles from his house and I was going to be like, yeah, I wanted to go visit and I was going to give him a contact and phone number's gone and website's gone and everything's gone and I'm like, yeah, it would be interesting if you can get K-Bone and Michael Bigley from Black Box.
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Madhouse Live
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We want to do it right.
Oh, I talked to Milkman about it, too.
We want to do it right, so we're going to take our time and just...
I mean, he already died.
He committed suicide over a year ago.
Yeah, he died over a year ago, and he didn't even know.
It's kind of upsetting that nobody really knew until we kind of figured it out.
Yeah.
Well, then come to find out, when I announced it, one guy was like,
Yeah, I thought everyone knew about this.
I've been following his real-world Facebook page,
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Madhouse Live
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The best thing the best deal
Yes, that is the best deal the most filling it's fucking primal you go out there
I used to buy two of them and have one of them in each hand the first thing I want to go on a fucking
Right. I just go right the universal
I would turn right and you'd pass the Terminator 2 show and right there was the first the closest turkey guy to the entrance
I buy two of them. That's
That shows bullshit. I have I got kicked out me my friends
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Madhouse Live
Do they have chainsaws? Do they have the chainsaw guys anymore?
Yeah, they still have the chainsaw guys, but none of them actually have to scream or anything.
And they change out every 45 minutes.
I work at a haunted house.
I work usually four to five hours straight through, screaming my brains out each and every night.
There you go.
There you go, everyone.
Prankmaster, I'm sorry, Major Chaos, is a Halloween aficionado.
You used to also regularly...
We're catching up, guys.
All right.
This is a Lazy Affair show.
We haven't talked to this guy in years.
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
This is our pal Dr. Unk that's going to do this, I believe.
Right, right.
Unk, are you still here?
I'm sorry, I got, you know, we're catching up.
Oh, all right.
Typewriter, here we go.
Dwight, you might have to do it if Unk is gone.
Oh, you had to go take a shit?
Oh, well, motherfucker.
Wait, where are my typewriters?
Hello?
Where are my typewriters?
Oh, man.
That was a big buildup.
Oh, they don't want to play no more?
Where'd the husband go?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
People
I never
no I ended up
straight
oh good good
I always
wondered about
the one
you know
so
I'm gonna
sit outside
the
uh
are we doing
incomings
uh yes
please
incomings
yes uh
if he could
let me know
if he wants
to do it
just to make
sure
I don't know
if I have to
do a select
of a certain
he was the
he was the
one that
asked
oh yes
please
hi hello
there
yes hi
you have a
stolen purple
bicycle
huh
stolen purple
bicycle
uh what is
purple bicycle
yeah do you
have a purple
Purple Bicycle
I don't have purple
I don't have bicycle
I don't have bicycle
Did you lose a bicycle?
No no no I don't lose any bicycle
Did you?
Oh I know you were supposed to come to the sex show
to the sex party
right?
Yes sex party but your phone is not working yet
that's why I call you
Yeah I don't know what's going on
I'm calling you from the hotel now
24 7 group and go
Call Nation Madhouse Live
celebrities
but he's
highest sentiment east evaporated state picture salt cunt
here they got what you know what
will as
sarah jist
said yes it's not alone
no xenobれて
alone ONB mailman
horrible
I am a real woman. I'm a real woman where it counts. My vagina, my breasts, and my heart.
Yeah, I know, I know.
No, no. Please, please. I have holes that need filling.
I know. I want real woman.
I'm so white right now.
I want real woman. I try a lot.
Yeah, Bernice.
Real woman. Not trans woman. Yeah.
I'm so white right now. Come give it to me, daddy. Give it to me all night long.
Okay, yeah.
Let me put you on with that again.
Hey Thad, Thad. Thaddy wants to talk to you again.
Hey, it's me. It's Thad. Hey. So you're not coming then? You're not coming?
No, because this is not chance. I need the real woman.
Oh, okay. Well, I don't have the woman. I mean, they're here, but they're fucking right now, you know?
Yeah, so you don't have a real woman, huh?
I do. Let me see if I can get her for you. Hang on. I'm going inside the room now.
They have loud music. There's a lot of fucking going on there, you know?
Hello, how are you?
Yeah, how are you, honey?
Yeah, how are you?
I'm good. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah, I'm trying to go to sleep now. I'm tired.
No, don't go to sleep. Don't do that.
My nipples are hard.
You got crazy, huh? Over there.
Yeah, oh yeah.
Yeah, talk later. Yeah, I'm in the basement, okay? Sorry.
Oh, okay.
I'm very, very weak right now. Why?
Are you driving through a bridge?
How big is your dick?
Yeah
Alright, I hear ya
Okay
Cuz the call drops when you go under the bridge
I gotcha
In a tunnel
Yeah
Alright
Okay
Bye
Bye
Bye
Bye
Bye
Bye
That was that
My bad, I called that guy back there
Here's the purple bicycle
I don't want trans, I don't want the trans
So where is it?
Purple what?
Purple
Yeah, you got that stolen purple bicycle?
Yellow
Yeah, purple bicycle
Yeah
You got it, you want it, or what?
Who is this?
My name is cross. Okay. Yeah, I got the purple bicycle. You got it. Yeah, okay
What do we do now how you want to do this? Where are we gonna exchange exchange?
What you give me back the go-kart? I'll give you back this here bicycle go-kart. You stole my go-kart
I stole your purple bicycle now you give up you give back my go-karts. You're in Bakersfield though
I have a Bakersfield number. That's not where I'm at. You know where I'm at
You know where I'm at this fucking bicycle yours I'm gonna break the shit out of it
You don't give me back my go-kart. You have 24 hours. Okay, I'm gonna keep the this bottle. This is Pabst Blue Ribbon
I'll keep that and you got you got this pump in here in his bag. I'm gonna keep that too
Now I'll keep the seat for smelling where you want it. I'm just kidding, but I want to give you back this bike
I feel bad where you want to meet at you know how to get to Walmart's
What's Walmart?
Customer service, my name is Walmart, how can I help you?
Yep, call me.
Okay, well, you don't have to be rude, sir.
I'm not being rude, you called me.
What's that attitude, like, you called me?
Wait a minute, you asked me how can you help me, and I said, well, you called me.
How do I help you? How does, I called you. That's a fact, a statement, that's not a request.
Listen.
Ignorant?
Oh, sir.
Stupid.
My phone rang, my phone rang, I picked it up, a lady said, press 1 to talk to a representative, if you want to take advantage of an offer, so I pressed 1, and then you came, how can I help you? Well I pressed 1, what can I say?
You didn't say that though, you said you called me, with attitude, nasty attitude.
No, no, no, you sir, you sir, called me.
Right, and what's the problem?
Okay, hello?
Hello?
Hello?
You offered me a...
Yeah, we got that.
We got that shit for you, motherfucker.
Fuck off.
Hey, we got all that shit.
We got all that shit, motherfucker.
Hello?
Bicycle.
Yeah, bicycle.
Yeah, how can I help you with your bicycle?
Who is this?
Oh, my name is Krause.
Christian Krause?
No, just Krause.
Okay.
And you're in California?
I got your bicycle.
Is this some kind of gag?
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project.
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Mr. Bill O'Hallahan, I believe it is, says that you've been exchanging letters for the last year and a half during his...
You got the wrong person, honey. I've been married to my husband for 64 years.
Well, that doesn't mean you can't have a prison pen pal.
I don't have a pen pal. A prison pen pal?
That's correct.
Not me. Not me. Sorry. Bye.
Bitch.
Nice, nice.
Closed the door and then he went he hurriedly went back because I saw it on the camera feed. He hurriedly went back to it and uncrumpled it and like was trying to straighten it out. I think it was like his only copy of that bullshit. Like he was just showing it makes it look all legit.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
I would love to take down your information to get you that $100 Reese gift card right now.
Not interested in the gift card.
Yeah, alright, I know you're interested.
Hi, customer service, how can I help you, sir?
I'm 85 years old and why are you calling me at this time?
Customer service, ah, yes, hold tight, hold tight, young lady.
Hold tight, madam. Let me get you all set up once I talk to this old cat here.
That's one second here.
Alright, sir, let me just take down your information.
Bop boop boop
and then uh maddam if you'll just hold tight
we'll get you all set up here
yes sir, sir what's your first name?
hello sir hello
ye old coot ye old coot are you still there?
I dunno he's gonna be here anymore
oh did we wake him up to death?
no negative he's gone now crap
who do you think he is?
uh chaos are you uh
you don't do prank calls anymore?
I dunno what your status is with that
because you're not prank master anymore
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Prank Matt
Prank Call Millionaire
I can't believe she was still around
Oh man
IRS scammers from Dwight McClanahan
Alright
Alright
Here we go
Nope looks like I'm getting the same effect
I might try calling him tomorrow afternoon
And recording it
Alright we still potentially have incoming calls coming in
That was fun good work Og and Dwight on those
Thank you
Did that guy say Christian
Did he know a Christian Cross maybe
That one dude the bike guy
Christian Cross
This is Christian Cross
He must have beef with some guy named Christian Cross
Or maybe
Right right he meant like the Christian Cross
Oh got it got it
Headin up for more numbers
You gotta figure out
what I left on
I actually pissed a guy off pretty bad the other night with an incoming
said I was with prison pen pal's
and he's like I got no fuckin
prison pen pal and he just went off
I actually I made a video I'm going to release it
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Good, good. Thank God it's working because it's been on the fritz.
It's been calling the wrong people all night tonight.
It's been calling people over and over again.
It shouldn't be calling anybody at 11 o'clock at night.
Remove me from your call list or I'll report you.
Now, wait a minute. If you need help with that, we need to take care of it.
That's a process now. It's going to keep calling you tonight.
It'll keep calling until it gets some kind of response.
I have to put it in the computer.
All right, so hang on for me, please, so I can process this.
I'll have a documentation, like a confirmation number for you, too.
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I just want to get you stuff when you're going to be back and I'll get you stuff back.
So I got until Sunday afternoon you're saying?
This is going to be the perfect weekend.
Do you have HBO?
No.
Ah shit.
Alright.
You got a pool table?
I ain't got shit.
Ah shit.
Alright.
I live off fucking social security and I go fishing once in a while.
Ah shit.
Aw damn.
zzZzZzZzzZzZzZzZzZzZ
I'll meet you there Sunday night.
Sunday night at Walmart.
What time?
I don't know what time I'll be back yet.
Ah, shit.
You call me back then.
You know what I mean?
I'll call you back.
You call me back.
I'll call you back Sunday.
What's your name?
Reuben?
Yeah, my name's Reuben, motherfucker.
You call me back and we'll figure this out.
I'll leave my schedule open for Sunday night to get you this shit.
All right.
We'll make a deal.
And we don't want any imperial entanglements.
I ain't worried about it.
I'll get you shit back.
You got the gas cans, too, by any chance?
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
All right, we're square at that point. Yeah, your name. Yeah. All right, then. All right. I'll talk to you then. Bye. Get out of my guy here. Get some hassle with me. All right. Bye. Jesus Christ. You're not at home. Interesting. Interesting. Didn't realize what he did. He's like the kid, the kid who got a phone call when he was alone at home and said, Yeah, my parents aren't here. Hey, little girl, are your parents home now? Oh, you're alone. Yeah. Oh, okay.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Firewood Calls
New Jersey
Super Pissed
Those People
Speaking of which, one of Dwight's favorite shows coming back
That would be Jersey Shore
Is it really coming back?
Yeah, they're all old looking
Are they actually the same cast?
Or is it just going to be a whole bunch of dirty weirdos?
No, it's the same ones
God, I watched
Worse Cooks in America Celebrity Edition
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'm a mommy and she just does crafts and does interviews and oh my god she's popped out oh two
kids they just have really long names two shits two little shit kids that's horrible to say guys
come on uh here we go with wood for dr on yeah did we lose incoming calls
they hung up they hung up on that let's pick up hang up we should probably call him back
A Pang Up
Calling Back
Connecting
Starting Media
Hello
Hi yeah
I was on Craigslist
I saw your ad for the
Firewood
You have a bunch of Firewood
I've got a bonfire
Going on right now
And I could definitely
Use some Firewood
And
Yeah where are you
Your number came up
California
Yeah
Yeah people move around
But no I'm
I'm up
I'm up in Jersey now
I'm originally from LA
But
Where are you at
I've got this rager
Of a party
Where are you at in Jersey
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Okay, well, that's not our problem, okay?
The computer does the calling.
Yes, it is your problem because you called me at midnight.
We just run the phones.
You're being called by a company who...
What? Is there a problem?
Yeah, there's definitely a problem.
I'm going to have...
Ma'am, I'm going to have to put you on hold so that I can get you taken care of here.
Just a moment.
We'll get the call started, but you have to hold.
All right?
Jesus Christ.
It better be fast.
It will be fast.
Shut up.
All right.
Yes.
Hello, supervisor?
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I don't know why Trump didn't use that line on a veto today.
What a fucking cuck.
Yeah, I used to call you and tell you that I need to apologize.
I've been in there over the last week at least three times to steal liquor from your store to feed my alcohol addiction and to get drunk.
And now that I'm drunk, I feel a little remorseful.
Well, you should.
I do. I feel really bad.
All right.
I do it when people turn their back, and that's when you should trust us the most.
Not when, you know, like, you shouldn't just trust us when you're facing a customer, but like when your back's to us, too.
You should trust us, too.
And I took it, and I drank it, and I offer no payment.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Well, fuck you. Why you do it and say it to me?
Because that's what you should be doing. Take it easy.
No, I want to bring this in and refund because this tastes like water now.
Oh, so now it tastes like water, but you're drunk.
No, well now it tastes like water.
What's going on? It doesn't add up, man.
It doesn't add up, but you have a faulty price.
But you're drunk and you are saying that it tastes like water?
Lightly buzzed.
So what do you expect in return?
I expect an exchange. I bring it in in the bottle. We exchange the bottle. You exchange the bottle. Well, we can only dream. Because you've drunk it. I can give you another plastic bottle if you want. I didn't drink it. You know, it's gonna be full when I bring it in. I'm not drunk. I don't drink. You don't drink. You don't accuse me of being a drunk. Oh, I thought you said you was drunk.
I said lightly buzzed you what lightly buzzed lightly buzzed you have something there you've
consumed this no no you haven't the cook from dinner put wine he put wine in my how did you
get to that pasta and he didn't cook it all off ah I see so you drank a little bit so you're a
lightweight no I don't drink it's a problem you don't drink no but you did just drink
No, I didn't drink at all.
So I need to bring this back in.
And you need to give me an exchange.
An exchange for something more potent?
But you don't drink.
If you want, I can do you a favor and drink it for you, but that's as far as I'm going to go.
No, you don't need to give me something.
Then we have a problem, then.
No.
Yes, I think we have.
I'm just buying it for decoration.
You bought it for decoration, huh?
I bought it for decoration.
Well, you consumed that decoration.
What?
What?
You've consumed that decoration, right?
This isn't Christmas.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, well.
Then we're both just as confused, though.
Have you been drinking?
I have been drinking.
Have you been drinking?
I don't know.
I haven't drank one drop in over ten years.
You just said you're lightly buzzed.
Lightly.
Very lightly.
I have been drinking.
No.
I'm buzzed from marijuana.
Oh, I see.
So then you should take it easy, then.
Then everything's good in this world.
I need an excuse.
I need a reason.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Popping like hotcakes, buddy.
Like hotcakes.
Hotcakes?
Yeah, like hotcakes.
Hotcakes.
Fuck you, man.
You use all of my shit.
I just like this language that you're using.
I think our time or friendship has come to an end.
I didn't even ask to talk to you.
Bye.
Toodles.
Toodles?
I don't need no fucking noodles.
What an asshole that guy.
Fuck him.
Yeah, what a dick.
Who do you think he is being so nice and shit?
We got numbers from Nunu in the Discord.
www.customerservice.com
Uh, put me through to the supervisor.
Alright, well hold your fucking tits and I'll get you right through. Please hold.
This is Cross Supervisor. What's going on, Dwight?
Hey, how you doing there, Carl?
Terrible.
Uh, I got a, I got this asshole that can't come right up.
Customer service, my name is blah blah. Can I help you?
You calling me a quarter after midnight?
Uh, you're on the list. You're on the list. Don't be nasty. Alright?
You've called twice already.
Oh, calm down. Chew an aspirin. What's wrong with you?
Were you sleeping?
What's wrong with you?
I'm working.
What are you doing, sleeping?
I want to be on the do that call list.
I'm trying to sleep tonight.
Well, I have to transfer the call to that department and do that for you.
Can you please hold, asshole?
All right.
Hello, supervisor?
Hi, yes.
Yeah, I've got some guy, some old fart is here.
He's on hold.
He can't hear us.
He's being a bitch, and he wants to get taken off the list, all right?
I'm going to put him through because I can't deal with his old fucking ass.
Here we go.
Yeah, sounds good.
Sounds good.
I'll handle it.
Sir, thanks for holding.
I've got my supervisor on the line.
Closed Captioning by Kris Brandhagen. brandhagen.com
I do not appreciate the call I'm the supervisor I'm the supervisor
Hello?
Hello yes hello customer service
Yeah hi you calling me?
Yeah
Yes
Do not call me back again it is 1221 I am trying to sleep if you call again I'm calling
the better business
Hello why are you calling me?
Do you understand?
Do you understand?
Do you understand?
We better not call her again the better business bureau is on the case
They're a bunch of assholes
You know that?
The Better Business Bureaus
They can't do shit to us
Yeah they can't do shit
We're untouchable
We're visa promotions
Yeah we're not with them
We don't pay them money
To be a part of their organization
We don't pay them money
Fuck this
We're not afraid of them
We're not afraid of the
Better Business Bureau
You hear that sir?
We don't answer them
You're untouchable
They're no better than
The NRA lady
You need to shut up
Shut up and go in the kitchen
We don't answer to any
Western powers
Yeah
I'm not going in the kitchen
And cooking anybody anything
You're gonna cook it with heat
You're gonna cook it with
Fucking heat
Is what you're gonna do
Get in the kitchen now.
Let's go fry some eggs for us, honey.
Yeah, make some eggs Benedict for me, sir.
Ma'am.
Then pull down your panties and give us a whistle.
Sir, I just need your information to take you off this list.
I'm not taking this woman off, though.
She just is being a super B about this.
But if you're still here, sir, I'd be happy to take you off this list.
By comparison, she's just an awful human being.
This is good beer.
She sounds like she might be going through the change.
Are you having hot flashes, ma'am?
Yeah, is she having hot flashes, ma'am?
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Call Nation Madhouse Live
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Hey you don't watch your mouse
do not call with
watch your mouse
take the number off the list
what what why are you on the phone now is the lady in the kitchen getting ready to set
up for a bridge club
wow you guys are a bunch of sexist assholes aren't you bye
bye snowflake
poor guy i feel so bad he's got a wife like that you know i feel very bad for him
i bet she makes him tuck his dick
did i disconnect this one i'm gonna disconnect this one i don't know what's going on they
laughed they're laughing
that guy is probably just like these people
these people
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Call Nation Madhouse Live
I don't know, like, I worked at a liquor store and this kid tried to steal a bottle of Goldschlager and he dropped it on his way out and he ran away and I was like, alright, whatever, I wasn't going to chase after him.
Scoop up all the gold and you try to go and say, I'm rich, bitch.
He's a liar.
Yeah, the supervisor came in once, I remember, I was there, it was like a grocery store that had a liquor store next door, like, you know, part of the grocery store.
Madhouse Live
Hello, customer service. My name is Code 4. How can I help you?
Code 4, would you please stop calling my number?
Don't be rude. That is my name. That is my name.
Excuse me. You can call me Mr. 4.
I'm sorry, are you calling to redeem your offer or are you calling to be taken off the do not call list?
Take my number off your call list.
Do you want to be taken off the do not call list?
Yes. No, I want to be on the do not call list.
No, you said yes. I'm going to transfer you through right now to get yourself taken off.
Hey Dwight, I got a bitch on the phone and she won't shut the fuck up about getting off the list
It's like when you just reboot the computer without saving it so you don't commit your changes, yeah
There's so much fun. Yeah, I love phone. I love phone calls. I love call centers. I love call you too
I do too. I just
Just I just lost my job at one where I had to do a lot of customer service
I had like a big person position in it so I kind of missed doing the customer support yeah customer support man you know it's some bullshit um we were I was
I'll take it
Hi customer service this is Thad how can I assist you today
hello listen hello yes hello listen listen Linda this is Linda Linda listen
hello hi yes this is Thad how can I assist you Linda
Do you realize what time it is that you're calling?
Customer service, how can I assist you?
Hello?
Customer service, how can I assist you? Yes, hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Just take me off your call list. It's one o'clock in the morning over here.
Hey, hey, don't take that tone with me, sir. I just need to take down.
Don't you tell me what to do with you, jackass. Don't you call me no more, you son of a bitch.
Hello. Sorry, I think we got disconnected there. Hello?
I'm just trying to help get our customers off of this list.
This is my phone.
Tell me what to do on my phone.
You calling me? You calling me?
That was not that argument.
You called me?
That's an AXPA thing, I believe.
That's a firmus thing.
That's firmus.
Yeah, chew an aspirin.
He just goes like, yeah, alright, man,
let's chew an aspirin.
This is liquor store for you.
All right, I'll take the answer.
Hi, customer service, this is Thad.
How can I assist you this fine, fine evening?
Oh, yeah, this is Thad.
What can I do for you, buddy?
Let me tell you, you guys are calling me at midnight.
I can call you at midnight?
Sounds great.
You can call me at midnight.
Sounds great.
If it occurs again, we're going to call the police and have them go after you.
Hi, customer service, this is Thad.
How can I assist you?
I want to get on the do not call list.
You want to get off of the do not call list?
Sounds good.
I want on the do not call list. She has called me six times, and it's after midnight.
Babs, settle down. We're going to work through this one together, all right?
Just need you to just call up your britches down while we sort through this, all right?
I'm here to help. I'm here to work through this.
You just need to, you know, chew an aspirin, calm down.
I'm going to have to transfer you to my supervisor if you want to be removed from the list.
So can you hold tight? Can you hold tight?
Babs, Babs, Babs, we're going to work through this.
I'm going to get you off the list. Just hold tight, okay?
I'm going to put you on a brief hold, okay?
This is Cross. Supervisor, what's going on?
I went off. I went on the do not call list.
Oh, you went off the do not call list. You want to be on which list?
No, I went on it.
You went off the list?
I went on the list.
You went on the call list.
Ma'am, I don't do that. You want to be on the call list. I have to put you through to that calling list. I don't understand. How did you get?
I don't want on the call list.
You do want to call?
No, I do not want you to call me again.
I can get you a call back if that's what you need.
Who the hell are you? I am going to call you and find you.
Do not call us again. Do you understand?
Hey, it's a federal crime to make a threat over a telephone.
Why don't you hold him? I can put him on.
Bullshit. Bullshit, motherfucker, you.
Fuck you. You ain't got shit.
Fuck you.
You ain't got shit, motherfucker.
Hi, Mrs. Thad. How can I assist you?
Hi. Yes, you can assist us.
Hi, Mrs. Thad. How can I assist you?
Why are you calling us at midnight?
I'm calling you. That wasn't really a very well phrased question. We're trying to give you this piece of gift card
Maybe I don't want your gift card. You can set your gift card up your ass
There's no cursing on the phone my supervisor hold tight listen, this is the supervisor
Motherfucker you can't call shit. Yeah, I thought they were on the other line pick up that phone Stan. What do you think?
They're so mean and nasty to us as people.
I'm just trying to make it so she doesn't get any more phone calls and look how she treats me and you.
You did great about that one, Cross.
I don't care what anyone says.
You're a great manager.
Oh, thanks.
I try.
You do.
Thank you for calling customer service.
My name is Anal Bleeding.
How can I help you?
Hello.
How can I help you?
Hello?
All right.
Goodbye.
Okay.
I scared him.
Hi, this is Carl Ducat.
Carl Ducat.
I just want to remind you that I haven't done anything wrong.
Attention Bajoran workers.
I got some fucking snake I got.
Thank you for calling your friendly, safe way.
Using your touch-tone telephone, make a selection from the following choices.
Or, stay on the line and your call will automatically transfer to our customer service desk.
For store hours and location information...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take me off this call, do not call number.
Okay, yeah, we'll take you off the do not call list.
We can do that ASAP.
It's not complaining, bitch.
Yeah, well, don't worry about it, because we took you off the do-not-call list, and you'll be put on the call list.
You just said to take you off the do-not-call list.
Sir, don't curse.
You're going to get what?
Hi, thank you for calling customer service. This is Gull Ducat. How can I assist you?
Attention, Bajoran workers.
Attention, Bajoran workers. How can I assist you, ma'am?
It's Gull Ducat. How can I assist you?
I don't know if I'm talking to a person or not, but please take me off your call list.
I've heard that before. I've actually heard that quite a bit.
I'm actually quite human.
Hi, customer service. This is Gold Ducat.
Attention, Pejoran workers. How can I assist you?
Take me off your call list.
You want to be put on the list to be called back? Sounds great.
Take me off your call list.
Right. Sounds good. We'll just keep calling you until you give us a call.
This is Gold Ducat, by the way.
Damn you, people.
What's going on?
Hello, ma'am. Yes, this is Gul Dukat. How can I help you?
Just want to reiterate, I haven't done anything wrong.
What is going on?
What? Hello, ma'am. Yes, how can I assist you?
What is going on?
I'm trying to assist you, madam.
Hi, would you like to be removed from this call list there, team?
What's going on?
I'm trying to assist you here, ma'am. I'm Gul Dukat.
My name is Gul Dukat. I'm trying to...
Where are you calling from?
I'm calling from Hoboken, New Jersey.
Actually, I'm not calling from anywhere. You called me, so...
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Yeah, the customer service. This is Hank.
What's going on?
Golda Kai, your shrill woman is interrupting my conversation with this woman here.
Your mother must be extremely proud of you and what you do for a living.
She is. She is.
Attention pejorative workers, awake.
There is a president of Latin America that needs to be detained.
Social Security Number is 040171
Is that enough information?
Yeah, we're going to go ahead and charge $39.99 to your credit card for the next three months to process your Do Not Call List request.
I'm sorry, kid, but...
What's your social security number, ma'am?
Customer Service. Hello?
I'm with Account Retention. How can I help you?
Hello?
Customer Service, Account Retention. How can I help you?
I killed it, I killed it, that's enough
It's so weird in so many ways
I hope we get a sound clip of that
You guys are assholes
I can't even remember what she said
Damn you
Damn you
That was a biblical damning she did
Damn you
Why is there a naked green bean here
Ew
Why is he naked
I'm not naked
I'm half naked
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Call Nation Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Do you know what labia is?
Yes, I do.
Are you kidding me?
Do you have a pair there?
I guess it's two pair, right?
I think that's how it works.
I love it when you can just ask me how much force they're throwing down the receiver at.
The clang.
The clang effect is always great.
Should we press forward or are we done?
Whatever.
Well, the sound of that yawn I think means that I'm tired.
I figure if we keep going, we need to start calling people the N-word on the air.
Oh, I think we're in a safe harbor, and we can just say whatever we want.
Bomb Threats, Prank Master, whatever his name is.
Major Chaos, Green Cat.
Good job with that.
I'm going to go. I'm getting punchy. I'm going to start saying stupid shit, alright, motherfuckers?
I want to thank you guys for joining in, all of you who joined in.
Thanks for having us.
I guess.
Thanks to everyone who made it.
Green Bee, Major Chaos, MSG3 Clay,
Dwight the Janitor, McClanahan,
AXPA The Horsey Thank You For The Incoming Calls
Dr. Unk I Didn't Do Any Of New News Numbers Holy Shit Let's Do Those Right Now Nevermind
Cancel The Cancel Cancel The Cancelation Give Me A Second Let Me Get Those In Front
Of Me God Damn It
All Aboard Team His Nest Is Filthy
All Aboard Team We're Going Back In
It's My Ass
Alright
Is That An Incoming Is There An Incoming Coming
I Didn't Think Of It
Aw Man That Might Have Done It
It's My Ass
That Might Have Got Me More You Know Excited I Might Have Started Doing The Show Yeah
Going back into it.
All right, so real quick, real quick.
Hang on.
Let's play a song.
Do I have it here?
This is cool.
I'm going to grab another beer.
I'll be back in like 10 seconds.
Yeah, hurry up.
Hurry up.
Speaking to you.
Go, go, go, go, go.
I need my sleep.
Time.
I will be filing a complaint.
Hello?
If I get a phone call, if I get another phone call.
Hello?
Yes?
Yeah.
Is that Miss Clock?
No, love.
It's not.
Oh, is Mr. Clock there then?
No, love.
You've got the wrong fucking number.
Hey, don't you fucking to me, all right?
Oh, man.
Hello, customer service.
My name is Clock.
How can I help you?
You can help me with someone.
You don't start with the laughing.
What's that about?
The chuckle.
I don't need that.
It's not a chuckle.
I'm tired of being called.
You've called at least eight or ten times.
Customer service.
My name is Labia.
How can I help you?
I want to be on the no call list.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up for a second.
Shut up your mouth.
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Call Nation Madhouse Live
Let me play it for you. It's like two months.
Play it, play it, play it.
I gotta go pull it.
Oh, is this Warren G and the Regulators?
No, I ain't a Regulator.
Warren G and the Regulators, yes.
Hi, customer service.
Hi, hello, how can I assist you?
Clear, clear, clear, clear.
Hello?
Clear, clear, they're clear.
Alright, here we go.
Yeah, play, play.
I'm a prisoner who has customer service. How can I help you?
Well, I want to know why you're calling me at midnight and waking me up every night. That's what I want to know
Oh, so there's a person pen pal is trying to make communications with you and we're trying to contact you on his behalf
Who's trying to contact me your prison pen pal my prison pen pal?
I don't have and pen pal and I don't like people calling me at midnight. I'm asleep
Wake you wake me up now. So quit calling me. I'm gonna call the police
We say he's brought you several letters from Folsom prison and you have not responded to one of them
I don't know who he is and I've never I don't know anyone in prison okay well he said his name
is Bill Gaffrey and he said he's worked too many times he signed up through this service to speak
with him he's a liar he's a liar and I'll swear if I get another phone call I will be down at the
police station filing a complaint I have your number and uh I pressed two because I didn't want
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I'm telling you that this is a phony call, and if I receive another one, I'm going to be down at the police station filing a complaint.
We'll have you down at the police station ourselves because you're in violation of your contract.
I don't have a contract.
Do you understand? I don't have a contract.
You'll be sharing a cell with your contract.
Say that again?
Be on my chest right now, shit on my face, huh?
Come on, would you like to do that? I can show you a good time.
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