Want To Get Your Ass Kicked? 4/20/2018
20 Apr 2018 · 1 h 42 min · 7,730 words · source
Calls (16, 57 min of 1 h 42 min)
- Hotel front desk asked for ashtrays live 48 s clip ↓
- Trying to call Austria with wrong dialing ivr 1.6 min clip ↓
- Prank call about East Germany history live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Questioning gender identity of prank caller D.A.N.I. live 3.6 min clip ↓
- Russian Embassy yelled at about South China Sea live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Chinese Embassy in Ottawa insulted live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Russian embassy called about kicking ass live 2.3 min clip ↓
- German embassy called for statement live 48 s clip ↓
- German consulate in L.A. asked for passport info ivr 1.1 min clip ↓
- Vatican Embassy request for assistance live 9.6 min clip ↓
- Poland Embassy asked for alliance live 33 s clip ↓
- US calls British consulate for war support live 6.6 min clip ↓
- US orders food with cockroaches live 3.8 min clip ↓
- Calling Nooners voicemail ivr 33 s clip ↓
- Caller upset about spoiled movie ending live 3.1 min clip ↓
- Conrad New York hotel manager called back playback 18.6 min clip ↓
Transcript
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live
I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito
That's my big amigo, so just kick back to listen to this cat call
People, when this show goes live, I'll be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'
Stop whatever I'm doin' to tune in and listen
You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road
I'm bustin' mad fat flows for assholes and banchos
My spit crazy, shout out to Big Amy, that's nice, honey baby
We kissin' pussy, so ladies, touch your labia
Prank Call Nation
Hey, how you doing?
How are you?
Good, how are you?
Good. I need ashtrays over here. We're getting set up.
I mean, I don't understand why there's no ashtrays in here.
Am I supposed to use these glasses that you got here?
I'm sorry, where is that?
I'm at the Petaluma machine.
The Petaluma machine?
Mm-hmm.
What's that?
It's the hotel machine in Petaluma.
Hello, ignorant.
Excuse me?
I said hello, ignorant.
And stutter.
That's incredibly rude.
I'm not sure I'm not trying to be rude I'm just being frank Jesus Christ fucking
I thought it wasn't ringing anymore I think you're calling best western part of the land
this is Catalina how may I help you yeah que pasa what happened uh what happened with with what
that the woman hung up on me I don't know how may I help you labia I we need um ashtrays there's no
Call Nation Madhouse Live
This is the place you got that stupid eggs and butter bullshit?
Okay, I would like you to not call this number again.
I'm here right now. I need help. You need to help me. I need the fucking ashtray. I'm sorry. I need the ashtrays.
What room are you in?
Can I just go pick them up? Because now you know we're smoking marijuana in here.
Okay, so yes, you can come and pick it up here, and when you get here, there's going to be a cop waiting for you.
Why? It's not a crime. I bought this legally.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
So I'm just lying down in there. And why don't you have a rolling shower? God dammit. Let me talk
Should they're celebrating that in Austria today. What do you guys think we can find out? Let's see a hotel in
Austria, I don't even know any cities in Austria. That's pretty ignorant of me. Right? I'm sure I do
There's a city called a climbing fart nice
Nice!
Clog it, fart! Yeah!
We'll see if I can do this correct with the country code and all the bullshit in the ha ha.
I guess you're not supposed to say that anymore.
Oh, man. I don't know the country code.
Why do I always mess this up? You'd think by now I would've learned how to do this shit.
Alright, and then the number.
The source of 43, that's the country code machine.
And that's what I get.
I'm not dialing it right. I'm not dialing it right.
I need the exit code first. That's what it says here.
I wish Brad Carter was here. Too bad he's not with us anymore. 011 dial for Jesus Christ. All right, let's play the thinking music. Thanks all. Thanks you all for putting up with me. 011 plus 43 plus phone number. That's what I did. Oh, um, because I think you're also supposed to like add a zero or some shit. I think I'm doing it right. Oh, yeah.
What I do I don't have the right combination I'm not gonna try that way
again I give up maybe I have to do the zero let's try the zero I might have to
eliminate numbers out of it don't know don't know I guess we're not calling
Austria sorry guys I guess I just can't call Austria they change their number
Prank Call
I've heard of that city before.
I heard that's a real happening place.
I think that was a big East German kind of city.
Wasn't that the biggest city in East Germany other than East Berlin, which doesn't count?
You know, I don't understand how the fucking, the, the, the allies.
Hello?
The fuck speak English?
What is this?
Yeah.
Sounds like it's still fucking East Germany over there.
Jesus.
Anyway, Germany.
Yeah, so fucking the, the NATO powers and all that.
France, Britain, and United States.
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
How old are you?
So I'm 32.
32.
So you were, you're about, you're a Nigerian.
So I'm born in 85.
So you remember the wall and all that machine, right?
Not really, because I was just four years old.
But you were a communist, right?
Yeah, that's totally right.
All right.
So do you, is it true that there's...
I have been, I have been a communist, but just, just before the age of five.
But afterwards, I've never been communist afterwards.
So, but you, were you ever baptized?
Because you were atheist back then, right?
Excuse me?
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
And you know what I mean? It's like, get the fuck out of our country. I'm sure you people were like, right? Like, we should have just been happy with, what's a big West German town other than Berlin?
Cologne, maybe.
Cologne.
Or Munich.
They have good, I'm not sure.
Munich.
Frankfurt.
Yeah, Frankfurt. They got good hot dogs there. Yeah, one of those. They should have just, they should have moved the capital there. You know what I'm trying to say?
Yeah, sure.
You know, and been like.
So you mean, the moving from the capital from Bonn to Berlin, you mean?
Yeah, or just, just, just.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Carlito Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
D.A.N.I. Denny
It's a woman who does prank calls.
Supposedly, it's a woman.
We're just trying to see if it's really a woman or a man
because we're kind of not sure.
Do you get a last name?
No.
I mean, I'm sure someone does,
but I'm not at liberty to be saying those things.
Okay.
I don't know.
Okay.
Do you have this here in East Germany
with maybe the men who feel like women inside
and then they dress like it?
I mean, it's okay and everything.
What are you searching for?
I'm just
I'm looking for
So you want to dress like a woman
or do you search for somebody
who could dress like a woman
but is a man?
I'm trying to confirm
What are you searching for?
I'm trying to confirm
if this woman is really a woman or not
or a man
I'm not sure if she or he is a woman
because I've never been so private with her
We met at the discotheque
where we were going to fuck
and for some reason she said
I need to go to the bathroom right before, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
And I think...
And which kind of bathroom did she choose?
Well, it was my bathroom.
For the woman?
My bathroom in the hotel.
Ah, okay.
But, but I started thinking, because she went in with her purse, so maybe she went in to
apply lubrication to her...
I think so too.
You know, yeah, shit, am I gay now?
Um, who, I'm, yeah, yeah, I think so.
I think you're, maybe you're gay, but there's no problem, isn't it?
Well, I mean, it's kind of rude.
I didn't want to be.
It's fine, but I just wish these people, these people would just be up front and say,
hey, before we have the sex, I want you to know that I was born a man, you know?
Yeah.
I have a different...
Would be fair.
Would be a good, clean solution, I guess, yeah, to do this.
Because she was, like, jerking me off, and her hands, her fingers were huge, like sausages,
like schnitzels.
That's not all right.
And there were some hair on the knuckles, and I just thought maybe that's a German thing,
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Madhouse Live
You know, and don't ask us.
Do what you can yourself first, and then come ask us what we can do.
I got a lot of shit I gotta do, alright?
Yeah.
Alright.
I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Go.
Go to hell.
You too.
Yeah, I gotta go too.
Okay.
So, it was really nice to talk with you.
Well, go get baptism.
Alright?
See ya.
Bye.
Bye.
That's true.
That's a dirty trick that those people do.
They go back to their own country.
What?
I think I'm off there just a little bit.
I think I got a little confused all right what else can we do here we talked about history there
the cold war communism atheism damn
hi stupid do you speak english yes oh hey how are you doing I'm fine oh I'm sorry do you know
what stupid means I'm sorry what uh do you know what stupid means because I said hey stupid just
joking but maybe you know what that means I'm sorry if you know that's bad bad thing it's okay
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank
Do you have a computer to look up something?
Yes.
Okay, look up the word L-A-B-I-A.
We are a hotel. What can I do for you?
I need labia, but I don't know how to explain it in German.
Can you look on the computer to see what it means and tell me if you have this?
No, I haven't.
You haven't what? Computer. You know how to use computer, honey?
I have a computer, yes.
Okay, Frau. Do you have the Google?
What?
Do you have the Google? Frau-ling, please. Google.
Google Translate the word labia into german
Let's see if I can make this international call work. This is to a former Commonwealth country
So I have good hopes that this will work. I just wanted her to look up a big picture of a labia, you know
Danny I'm just joking. All right, really? I don't care what you are. I understand you're a woman. It's just a joke
All right, Danny the crank call bitch. Listen to her show Danny the prank call bitch on Mixler Danny the prank call bitch
at
Mixler.com forward slash gort. I don't think I can call this number. Damn it. It's weird
I can I can I'm can successfully call the UK, but I can't call so far Austria or South Africa
This motherfucker clone
Yeah, shut up is this the Russian Embassy, yes, this is the United States of America calling
Oh, okay. You're gonna get your fucking ass kick. You got a problem
They're probably used to that shit already
You got a problem, huh?
I'm sorry sir I don't understand
what's the problem
what's this ring
how far out in the south china sea
I see how you guys are expecting to go until you get your asses kicked it's ridiculous it's ridiculous how far you're going out and you're building your own islands fiery cross island that's a reef and you ruined it by putting sand on top of it and all your stuff is dirty I'm sorry and I got a toilet from China it was made in Shenzhen and this motherfucker I sat on it broke please watch your mouth okay sir I didn't understand the situation fucking monkey fuck you no we'll fuck you motherfuckers
I knew they'd be like that
You have reached the city of the People's Republic of China in Ottawa, Canada
Good afternoon, Chinese MC
We're gonna kick your ass just like we did in Vietnam, motherfucker
Is that what you want?
Hey! Fuck China! Fuck China! Free Tibet!
You wanna marry me to get American citizenship? I'll suck your dick, your little penis
No, seriously though, you guys are gonna get your asses kicked if you don't stop the bullshit
Stop fucking making claims in the South China Sea, motherfuckers
Stay on your side, piece of shit.
No one recognizes that bullshit law that you say that you get so many kilometers.
No one gives a shit.
It wasn't even made by your country.
It was made by the Republic of Taiwan's government.
You kicked them all out.
You had a revolution.
But you picked their laws when it's convenient for you, huh?
Stupid asshole.
Fuck you.
Your rockets suck.
Your products suck.
Your iron sucks.
You can't even weld underwater.
You suck.
You steal everything.
Fuck out of here.
Kick their fucking ass
Just like we did in Vietnam. I don't know how funny is meet Carly. It was just yelling at embassies
That's why I guess that's what I'm I'm doing right now. Happy 420 everybody. Let's start a war
I should call the Japanese embassy and say all the stuff like oh, no, we are not we are not China is Japan
My bad. Where's my vape pen? Calm down fucking ring is even stupid. They can't even copy that, right?
Pick up mother fucker you
Pick up mother fucker you
Pick up mother fucker you
Fucker you
Let me try a consulate instead
What's a consulate? Just like a small embassy?
It's like a little house?
I'm on this stupid Chinese people website
I can't see the fucking numbers on here
Fuck this shit
Fuck out of here
Let's see if I can call Mexico
They're closed
Oh well
Who else do we hate right now guys?
I think only Switzerland does that I know I think Switzerland is the only place that has an embassy they're always the intermediary between our cultures maybe like a special mission embassy of Canada this is the embassy of Canada in North Korea and South Korea forget that noise remind me did I speak to the Russian embassy in North Korea
I think so. I think she just hung up on me.
It sucks that I can't call fucking other countries, man, because I'd be all over it.
I mean, I know I can. It's just a titter mess.
Where are the fucking words of this song, you white honkies?
Is he smoking weed?
Final.
Yes, hello. I need to speak to the manager.
Manager?
The supervisor there, the man.
Just, we don't have managers here.
Well, I know the woman isn't in charge.
Who are you? What do you do? Do you just answer the phone?
Sir, what's the purpose of your calling?
Uh, I have concerns, and I'm trying to mediate before there's a problem.
You guys are looking to get your asses kicked.
Sir, you're calling the Russian embassy.
Yeah.
We don't have managers.
Okay, what do you have there? Do you have consulate people?
We have consulate, but it's closed right now. How can I help you?
Are there any diplomats available?
How can I help you, sir?
I'm upset because you guys are going to get your asses kicked.
You know what I mean? And we'll kick your ass. We'll kick your ass.
Are you calling from huh? I'm calling from my house, and I'm watching the TV
Yeah, yeah, and I'm watching the TV and I see Putin on there
Talking shit like a motherfucker. You know what I mean? I'll slap him right in the face that motherfucker
He sucks dicks he does suck dick you ever see that video of him kissing a baby's belly like baby a boy's belly
He's a homosexual him
I love this song it's called Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds by John Lennon great song my
fucking favorite Beatles song right here sure Mika I'll ask that Nova Chalk
hello where's the Nova Chalk located
motherfucker I knew I should have done the show earlier and all the consulates and
Madhouse Live
That one such this is a different one all right called the German embassy see if they want to make a statement
Guys you join the show
Shut the fuck up. You're going to do that. Thank you, Hama. Can't you both in here?
Can you Joey to Joe?
Salvo sending to woody Buddha
7-7-8-3-8-3-2-6-3-7
I'm going to hit zero.
Bet you they can't even get that right here.
It's the nine dash line that I was talking about.
They're fucking crazy.
They made their own map of the Pacific.
And they basically circled around using nine dashes
all the way up to like every other country
like the Philippines and Bumai and Vietnam.
This is sovereign Chinese territory back in the 18 back in 18 something it's like fuck you so what no one recognizes that shit dude no one cares and it's again you you had a revolution it's not the same government
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
and
and
and
and
and
it
now I know they don't have an embassy here, but I'm pretty sure that Iranians have an embassy in Canada?
Iranian... they have a consulate?
No, it is an embassy. Okay, cool.
They retained... that... President Carter... revoked that after the revolution.
Fucking things are going backwards in this world, man.
Iran's gonna do whatever they want now.
The new leader in Cuba is going to roll back everything.
Our country is definitely going backwards.
Sorry I missed your call.
Please leave me a message and I'll get back to you.
Fuck.
I got to urinate.
Listen to this while I urinate, please.
Thank you.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We already played that fucking song.
You know?
We already played that fucking song.
That ain't going to get played right now.
Fuck that.
Sorry about that, guys.
I'm back.
I'm paying attention here.
We're now listening to the soundtrack from Final Fantasy XIII.
Enjoy this.
My favorite song.
Mixing some cranberry juice with some ginger ale, because I have a UTI, because I wipe back to front when I take a shit.
Alright, here I am, here I am.
So, what can we do, eh?
I wasn't really planning a show until the last minute when I realized what the day was.
And then me, my style is I just go on.
I don't even, I didn't even start looking for numbers.
I say this all the time.
But until the actual intro started playing, I always do that.
Let's try another embassy.
And I know this is really like acid music, but it feels good
Because most of you white people don't like that reggae shit, so I can't play a Bob Marley
What what I wasn't paying attention shit three sure
Sie haben das deutsche Generalkonsulat in Atlanta erreicht.
You have reached us outside of our regular working hours.
Yeah, I don't think...
Unless I found one, like, on a different coast.
Oh, here we go.
L.A.?
That should be open still.
No, no, voicemail!
Call the Embassy Suites Hotel.
Tell them I'm stuck in Mexico.
Need to get...
That's a good idea.
Whoever that was.
Flashed too fast.
This function has not been performed.
Guten Tag.
Guten Tag.
I'm Danny and I will be your phone representative.
If you know your party's three-digit extension, you may dial it any time during this recording.
For opening hours, address, and directions, please press 1.
I'm just kidding, Danny.
For information on applying for and renewing a German passport, please press 2.
Fuck that.
Thanks XYZ is not doing a show, by the way, today.
And I didn't plan that.
German Consulate, good afternoon, how may I direct you?
How may I direct you, Carl?
Oh, yeah, we couldn't help you.
Probably better call them, because he was from there.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
The Petaluma White People Association
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
DJ Dead at 28
Holy shit of DJ Avicii
Very talented person
Let's head over to our news affiliate CNN
See if we can get a report about that
No
Apparently
The loss of Ting Bergling
Also known as Avicii
A statement CNN has read
He was found dead in Oman
This afternoon
Local time April 20th
Families devastated
Of course understandably so right guys
That's pretty sad
E.D.M.
Madhouse Live
So let me go back to that page and try that and I want to try the Chinese one again because that shit was funny
The Chinese can't say fuck you. All right, I shouldn't Federation
Bahadur in
United States United. Oh, they're open. Yeah totes even has their hours right here
That's a 202 not a 212 monkey 212 would have been New York. Oh wait, we're not I was doing German
Anyway, well too late now
Yeah, hello, it's just a Russian embassy. Yes, okay
What's your guys' problem?
What is your problem?
No, your problem.
We don't have a problem.
You have a problem.
You're looking for a problem.
Yeah, this is the first one I called where they're all like, oh, fuck you.
Anyway, anyway, anyway.
German.
German is what I was looking for.
Man, I'm high.
Music, please.
I need my music.
No, no.
Why?
Oh, why you do that?
Next album.
Man, I was really mean to that Chinese guy and that Russian chick.
Fuck them. Seriously, I'm just I'm over it with these countries man. They all need their asses kicked and they hung right up
They know me they all I could do the old switcheroo the caller ID
But that means they're probably just gonna hang up when they hear me talking
Maybe how about we just end that there with the consulates and stuff?
We've already done enough damage to the world. God God help us. Is there a Vatican Embassy closing soon?
How dare they close God never closes God would never he would always leave the door
Hi, this is the Vatican Embassy.
Yes, it is.
Okay, I need some assistance, please.
What is it about?
Oh, I'm with the United States Embassy.
Okay, and I'm going to kick this Russian embassy guy's ass.
You know, I'm going to really...
The Russians are really pissing us off, and we're going to kick their asses.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Okay, so by default then we need your help because I'm gonna kick this Russian guy's ass man. His name is Leon
Okay, I'm we are not going to be involved in that you guys
Can you can you good luck can you guys pray for us?
Can you pray for us my site so that we kill them really good?
Okay, you know so that we're gonna we're gonna nuke them really good
Thank you so much and good luck so that they don't nuke us back. We want a successful first strike
Good afternoon.
And what are you...
Women aren't supposed to be priests.
What are you doing there?
Can I transfer to the voicemail?
You can leave all the messages you want.
I'll speak to a man is what I'll do.
Okay, I'll transfer to the voicemail.
No voicemail, you monkey!
I said no voicemail!
Fucking asshole.
We'll start a nuclear war.
Don't get me started, man.
What other country could we ask for help?
Who understands the Soviets?
Who has been this cool with us, too?
I looked up Switzerland, but the Swiss embassy's closed.
Poland Embassy in the Republic of Poland in Washington, D.C.
Witamy w ambasadzie Rzeczypospolitej Polskiej w Waszyngtonie.
To continue in English...
If you have a rotary phone, dial 0.
Because they're Polish.
You get it?
Yeah, Armenians would be good.
They're pretty much a little Soviet.
Hey, go fuck yourself.
We're tired of your shit.
We actually like America.
They got good movies.
They were the first ones to do it.
Poland, too.
Well, I know there was a big thing with Poland back and forth.
India, hell knows dirty.
Don't get me started.
They're looking to get their asses kicked, too.
They're starting to piss me off.
Closed Captioning provided by the Amara.org community
At least they put up a fight.
Looking at you, France.
Alright, I'm done with the polls.
They're fucking useless as always.
Let's call France.
We can count on them for a favor.
They owe us a favor.
We stopped that terrorist attack on that train.
Welcome to the Embassy of France in Washington, D.C.
Si vous préférez le français, appuyez sur un.
If you prefer American English, press two.
Oui.
For Campus France, press one.
Non.
For the Consulate General, including the visa section, press two.
For the visa section, press 1.
For the vital statistics office, press 2.
For the Consul General of France, press 3.
You are not allowed to call this number.
For the visa section, press 1.
For questions regarding visas, please...
Give me somebody!
Oh my God!
That's probably just making me...
You cannot talk to anybody.
You see how the French are, man?
Si vous préférez le français, appuyez sur 1.
If you prefer American English, press 2.
Sure.
Hello?
Attention!
Service de Presse?
Yes, attention.
What do you mean?
Attention. I'm calling... this is the United States calling.
Um... we're...
This is what?
This is the United States calling and we need a favor. You guys owe us a favor?
What do you mean by United States calling?
Well, I'm from the United States.
I'm with the United States Machine.
So?
Well, you guys owe us a favor for that train thing, you know what I mean?
What do you mean?
Well, we okay. Look we're gonna kick Russia's ass here any any any day now
We're gonna beat the shit out of them. Are you guys down? You guys want to get in on this or what? Oh
At this I think she didn't like me saying nothing there. What do you mean? What did you mean you're from you like this?
Welcome to the Embassy of France Press 1 for the consulate general including the visa section for the visa section for questions regarding visas please go online yeah I know you don't talk to anybody zero new new get numbers please get some good numbers start a war man 4 4 20 my goal for today is to start a thermonuclear war for campus France Press 1 for the consulate general
including the visa section press 2 for the press and communication office press 3
okay uh this is united states calling and we need a favor please yeah okay uh we're gonna get we're
gonna kick russia's ass and are you guys down to help out are you are you with us or against us
this time i don't have my opinion to say well last time you guys were like we want to sell
We want southern weapons still. We want southern nuclear reactors.
That's Mexican.
Okay.
They're all the same to me. They all look the same.
Call the Philippines. For what?
For what?
See if the Brits have anything to say about this.
Press one.
Press two.
Miriam!
You are being transferred to consular emergencies.
You are to the British consulate. How can I help you?
Yeah, hey, this is the United States calling we're calling in a favor. We are well, how can I help you sir?
You reach an emergency line. Yeah. Well, we're calling in a favor. We're gonna kick Russia's ass over here. They're talking a lot of shit
Are you all right? That's enough. All right. It's just when they hear shit and ass
Yeah, dude, I don't know about old man, you know Avicii down an old man
Man, why wouldn't they want to kick some ass with us, you know what I mean?
Like they poisoned that dude.
Alright, Nunu sent in numbers.
Thank God.
Hello, good evening, Badger Tandu.
May I help you?
Yeah, hi.
I wanted to make an order.
Yeah, for pickup or delivery, sir?
For pickup, please.
For takeaway.
Yeah, yeah.
What would you like, please?
Okay, let's see.
Do you have papadums?
Yes, we do.
Like one order of papadums?
How many?
One or two?
They come singly?
One section.
I need a completion.
One completion.
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project www.closedcaptions.com
My cousin went to India. He wrote something down here. Hang on. To order for him.
It says bhenchod. Do you not have bhenchod?
No, no, no, we don't.
Okay. All right. So can I get one pillow rice with extra cockroaches?
Yes, I can. Yeah.
Extra cockroaches. And will your sister be there to give it to me?
Madhouse Live
It was stupid American or something new. Do you remember there was that first play cockroaches get to see Madhouse?
Let's see, I don't think it's cockroaches. He the guys like you stupid American American bastard
I think this is it. We'll start we'll restart the song in a second here. Let's listen to this
It's about to be ten years exactly at this prank call was performed in about an hour
You hear the song I'm playing
Hello, excuse me while I kiss the sky real quick.
Give me a second.
That's me hitting the joint, I remember.
I said, can you excuse me while I kiss the sky for a second?
Sir?
Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.
Is this...
Is this Al Blau?
Al Blau, yes.
Okay, yes, I'm going to come and pick it up in my hand machine.
Pardon?
I'm going to come in my hand machine and pick it up.
Hand machine?
Yes, yes.
Okay, good.
The order, please.
Yes, I'd like...
Starters.
What?
Starters.
Dude, I'm American.
Don't...
The starter, what?
What do you mean?
What is that?
It means any starters from the menu.
Pee La Pee Loo
The Pee La Pee Le Lo
This is, like, this is... you know I'm American and I only speak American
and some of this Brit- because I know you guys put the U in color
I guess this is Pee La
Which main dish would you like to order?
The Pee La Ra- what is Poo Pa Da A-
The Poo Pa Da Ams
Poo- Pa Da Ams
Poo Papa Tuna
But what's the portion? No, no, no, I want the whole thing not a portion.
How many papads would you like to order? If you order one portion that means you'll get two papadums that's in one portion.
Well, I don't want a portion of it, I want the whole order.
No, no, you're missing me there. You have ordered papadums.
Yeah, that's that, yeah, exactly. Papadums for the, two of us, papadums.
If you want two portions, that's four. One portion, that is two papadums.
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
two two of them here two completions yeah okay okay I'm sorry like I see the
chicken curry with with extra cockroaches with extra cockroaches
please from the United States of America do you have any palmetto beetles we call
them cockroaches well I'm in order it's a free country sir this is America I
make an order where I want sir I'm American watch your mouth excuse me
Madhouse Radio
No, no, no, no, no, it's not.
No, it's not.
Get out of here with that.
Get out of here with that 10-year-old shit.
Fucking 90s.
Colorado's governor reported saying he won't rule out banning pot again.
There's a report that Donald Trump lied about his wealth to make it on the Forbes 400 list before the election.
Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
facilitate andy people plato smoke the marijuana look at them
basically on andy a cigarettes back in the day
my granddad
he was up at the swap-shop to get a gentleman lady
mount exit i had indeed newspaper here in front of you
the duct
well they get their doing everyone listening out there in a radio of the
internet lands
Madhouse Live
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I was just thinking about it.
Oh, well.
Lost it up there in THC land, a.k.a. my brain pan.
Maybe the caller ID got in the way of that.
Just a moment, please.
One moment, please.
Yeah, I forgot the one.
Noonu wants the cockroach lady.
Okay.
I thought I tried to call them earlier and they had changed their number.
It didn't go through.
I'll try it again.
I tried them at the beginning of the show, Nooners.
Welcome to your new mailbox.
This brief...
All right.
All right.
Duh.
That nuh.
I could change that person's voicemail.
Closed Captions By
1-A-5-B-S-O-Q-E-N-C-L-A-F-B-A-D-F-R-E-N-S-E-1-H-U-T-C-N-E-T-O-N-T-E-N-Y-W-E-D-A-T-Z-A-T-M-O-S-T-I-X.
Did you really find...
Don't make me do shit that's not real.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
I on purpose for the first time in my life other than when I was you know five years old and there was no internet I didn't spoil myself and this motherfucker sent me a he's a go check out this tweet I check out the tweet and someone said our spoiler alert everybody someone said Luke dies and Kylo kills Snoke I was a you motherfucker I am literally four hours away from heading out to the movie theater to watch this movie opening night
and you just fucking spoil it you son of a bitch I didn't I didn't forgive him and that that took
like what month is it now april machine it was like five months so there you go who cares right
fuck star wars and fuck star trek and fuck anyone who likes it fucking star dorks fucking turn the
lord of the rings right here man return of the king that's the trilogy what a tasteless prank
a mixer user who just said that happened to you too yeah you got a chevy 454 good run more complete
Oh good lord
Hello
He sounds too hispanics
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system
Oh good lord
You old bitch
You old cracker bitch you
Whiter than my wife
My wife's mediterranean she ain't white
I got dead with a white woman
Speaking of which I've been saving this here for the show
I was gifted on my birthday by my in-laws
One of these DNA kits
And I'm scared to take it
I'm scared to take it I've been sitting here for 10 months I figured I'd do it on the air the other thing is I can't eat or drink 15 minutes before I do the test to send it in who can do that really what am I an athlete or something you know what I mean 15 minutes without drinking or eating get out of here so not today not today because I don't want the marijuana to come up in the DNA test but next show I do I will spit in the tube and I'll send it out or just whatever I'll do it at tomorrow I'm gonna do that and I'll send it out
I'm gonna I'll try to open the results live on the air to see what my DNA I expect African I expect Italian I know my dad's my dad's like he's a whatever is more than a quarter he's an eighth Italian so I'm gonna be like at least a 16th Italian Mediterranean I imagine there'll be some African in there since I'm Puerto Rican there'll be African in there and they're probably just based on
Closed Captions by GetTranscribed.com
I don't know, it'll be quite interesting.
Watch some shit like Chinese come out or something.
You know, or gay.
And what's this all been about?
We got someone with free wood.
How much, we got some time left here, I think?
Let's see, let's see.
I'm starting to feel it.
Guys, I've been saying, and hey, we're almost coming up on 420 now.
I want to say thanks God, jaw blessed for the ruling here in the United States.
In Pennsylvania, I've got medical marijuana now.
It's not such a hassle.
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I don't want any drama. It's a drama-free Friday, all right? God bless you. I'm not saying you, Steve. I'm saying Lunch Lady.
Nasty. Mean, nasty. Not you. You're fine. It's all right.
You probably got that dog in the background making noise like you always do, too.
Maybe we can convince Jaya to start doing shows again, and you healed, and then we'll talk. It'll be cool.
I don't even know what's for sale here. Two things. I don't know. We gotta make this quick.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Pussy Lips
Piss Flaps
Also is another one that people say
Ah, she didn't hit the peering
She didn't hear the peeing
She didn't hit the peeing
Time is left
I want to smoke real weed
Outside Table and Chairs
$30
Pressure Washer
$40
Chainsaw
$35 Oboe
Yeah, I think adult chicks in the south don't know
They don't get taught that
Are you crazy?
They don't even know what sex is
In school, I mean, they don't get taught the technical stuff
Have reached the voicemail box of
Nothing
Prank
Prank
Prank
Prank
Prank
Prank
Like I said about 14 minutes or so. We're all going to have fun. Everyone enjoy yourselves. Pay attention very closely to the way you do things. Don't burn yourself. If you're using a butane lighter of some sort, be safe. Be careful. You should be using clean butane. I'll be right back.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
No one could have told you it's tobacco free, it's smoke free.
Then why did you have rolling papers in here in this book?
The Bible guys, get it? The Bible. Like they do in prison.
Lord Jesus.
Here's a very expensive hotel in Manhattan.
Let's see how they react. They're probably like,
The Conrad New York Hotel
Located in Lower Manhattan's vibrant Battery Park City
Now everybody know
You can book online or find more information at conradnewyork.com
For reservations, press 1
For sales and events, press 2
For atrio reservations, press 3
3. For human resources and job opportunities, press 4. For further assistance, please remain on the line.
Yeah, guys, never, never go to reservations if you can avoid it.
Okay, lady, shut up for a minute. Never go to reservations if you can avoid it.
Usually go to a national center or people who are really assholes. You want the front desk.
Hello?
Yeah, hey, where are the ashtrays in the room?
There's no ashtrays in the room, so there's a non-smoking facility.
I made sure that it was a tobacco free facility I asked and that's what she said she didn't say anything about smoking and we're just smoking marijuana here it's 420 I'm 420 you know it's 420
what's your room number sir?
am I in some kind of trouble?
what is your room number sir?
am I in some kind of trouble?
I'll call again but we have to wait to get there's no option
I'll try zero let's see what happens
I'll transfer you now.
Oh, great.
Calling Conrad Service.
Are you the guy I was just talking to that hung up on me?
Okay.
We need some ashtrays here in the room.
It's 420.
We're smoking marijuana.
What room number would you like me to send that to?
Well, he was saying something that we're not supposed to be smoking marijuana in here.
And I made specific when I asked when I was booking and they confirmed through Expedia that it was tobacco free.
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Paul.
I'll call Matt.
I'll be rude and call people.
I could try to call Dwight, but who wants to hear Dwight during the day, right?
You know what I mean?
That's like eating a Caesar salad for breakfast!
Who the fuck wants to do that, right?
What's his name on here?
Poop?
P00?
Feces for the win!
Madhouse Live
All You Can Eat Sushi for $29.95
And then they give you a pad that you make your selections and it has the price of the sushi and sashimi right there for you.
So I find myself eating until I hit the $29.95.
I don't think I would eat that much sushi if I'm not trying to get my money out of it.
I think next time I'm just going to eat all I can really eat because I left with a very hurt belly and then I had to go watch Ready Player One.
I was so busy with work and personal stuff.
I read that for me.
I keep on speaking to my sister.
Yeah, I mean, oh, Jesus Christ.
I need ashtrays here.
We're smoking weed.
It's 420.
Woo.
Yeah.
And we can't find the ashtrays.
We found these glasses here.
Where are you?
We were putting the ashes in a in the trash can and it was like a little what room are you there was some smoke that?
Was coming out, but we disabled the fire alarm. Don't worry about it. What room are you in and I'm in some kind of trouble
I'm sorry. What room are you in sir?
I'd have to I mean, I don't have I don't know like the key doesn't say I can't send up ashtrays
If I don't know what room you're in. Do you have ashtrays though? Yes, okay
All right, cuz I don't want any trouble. You know what I mean? We're smoking here
If you're smoking in the room, it's $500
No, I can't pay that. That's not the deal.
I called and she told me that it was tobacco-free.
What's your room number?
I called. Is that correct that this is tobacco-free?
How can I send you ashtrays?
You send someone with ashtrays, or I go pick them up.
Right. What room?
I'll go pick them up, but I want to confirm.
I want to talk about something else now.
I want to confirm.
Okay, can I put you on hold?
Fuck you.
Excuse me?
Nothing. Go ahead. Yeah.
Excuse me?
Fucking asshole. Bitch. Labia.
Piss me off.
Listen to the things I'm saying and react to them in a funny way.
That is what the people want.
That is what I want.
Oh, you're not entertained.
Hi, Matt Hillock.
Hey, buddy.
Can you hear me?
Report.
Say things.
Hey, thanks for holding.
Paul speaking.
How can I assist you?
Hey, how you doing, Paul?
Yeah, good.
How are you?
I need ashtrays.
What's going on?
Why aren't there ashtrays in the room?
Yeah, I'm happy to bring you ashtray.
Which one want you in?
Am I in some kind of trouble for asking for ashtray?
I mean, we do have a non-smoking policy.
Okay, now listen, asshole, because I asked the person and they said that it was tobacco-free.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
What do I need to do for that?
Uh, nothing.
2-13.
2-13.
Hurry up because there's smoke coming.
There's a lot of smoke in here right now.
2-13.
I don't have a 2-13 for a guest room.
Oh, shit.
Maybe I have...
Let me just...
Let me just confirm your cell phone number for you.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Maybe I have the wrong fucking hotel, you know?
Maybe you do.
Is your phone number ending at 2887?
Fucking shit.
Yeah, it is, motherfucker.
Okay.
Yeah, let me just call the...
Let me just...
No problem.
I have to...
I have to give you a call back.
Callers
They don't give a shit
So what? I know cops too
I have a medallion number, motherfucker
Yeah, that's okay, me too
What's your medallion number, motherfucker?
Yeah, you drive a taxi, that's why you have a medallion number?
Yeah, I got a medallion
I got five Uber cars that work for me too, motherfucker
I'm a big man in this town
And I don't live
I live in Union City, New Jersey
You know what that means?
423-923
Union City
I'm from the city. I'm from Union City, motherfucker. You don't want to fuck with me.
You know what I'm saying? I run Bolita. You know what Bolita is?
I'm from Queens.
You know what Bolita is?
No, I don't. Can you educate me on that?
Numbers game?
No.
You put a bet on the number, the last of the three numbers every day?
I run that shit, motherfucker. I'm a big man here in Union City. You don't want to fuck with me.
You're funny, buddy.
I'm Cuban.
Yes, thank you.
Motherfucker. What cops do you know?
Don't worry about it.
All right, don't start shit. I'm going to come down there for the mass trades. You understand?
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Call The Wifing At Permission
Open Volume Mixer
I usually don't have to be all the way up here.
Let's see how the return is.
You fucking cunt.
Why are you so low, you fucking bitch?
Fucking asshole.
You're so low, you fucking bitch.
Fucking asshole.
Alright, it's okay.
Alright, let's call poop time and have him ready.
I'm going to rest the eyes anyhow.
Therapy wore me out.
13 minutes on...
Oh, come on.
Come on, Matt.
Matt Hellock
I can't make any guarantees because I'm in a really bad mood right now because of that.
Towns Radio will be back right after this.
Maybe.
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