“I’m Gonna Shave Your Head”
26 Jul 2018 · 2 h 58 min · 10,554 words · source
Transcript
I'm going to shave your head.
You're going to what?
Well, we actually had...
Pardon me?
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.
I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.
That's my big amigo.
So just kick back to listen to this cat call people.
When this show goes live, I'll be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.
Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.
You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road.
Mad Fat Flows
The King Do His Thing It's Time For Madhouse Live
Speak Up To The Man In The Madhouse
Oh, well, all that preparation and planning and secret messages that I created for
People to hear
they get nothing
well anyway
Milkman are you here
Milkman
I'm good
thank you
I guess you're still convinced
that my name is Herman
alright
that's right
The place I was going to call the phone is busy.
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The oxygen of the atmosphere degrades to quality.
The oxygen of the atmosphere.
That's right.
We got buzzing again.
Well, thanks everyone for tuning in.
Try to get a quick prank here before we...
Thank you for calling.
Your call is very important to us, but we are currently assisting other customers.
What?
Please call back shortly or stop by and see us.
Oh, God.
They're busy too.
This is a busy, busy town.
It's not about being chumped.
Every diner in this town is busy, motherfucker.
It's not time yet, Milkman. You still have time.
I have to call a precursory warm-up.
What?
Well, this one's ringing this time, at least.
Finally, you answered the phone. I was calling and calling, you know.
I'm sorry?
Yeah, were you over there painting the office or something, honey?
No, sir. I was actually taking care of a customer.
Oh, good, good. All right, then I won't continue.
So, I need to make an order.
What can I get for you?
One eggs, mm-hmm, one eggs, cooked, scrambled, over medium, over hard.
Oh, you open the eggs, the shelled eggs, you open the eggs, and you put them on the surface and you add heat?
Because I'm trying to get warmed up here, you know?
Oh, man, come on, man, yeah, goofy, goofy, ha-ha, ha-ha, goofy, ha-ha, goofy, goofy, ha-ha, yeah.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
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I'll get the warm done.
Yeah, in the meantime, my marijuana's kicking in.
Some people want to hear that for the whole content of the show, and that's not what that calls for.
That's like a warm-up kind of fun throw-out there call.
Okay. All right.
You're right. We will not do any more of those at all.
Thank you for calling Travel Centers of America.
If you know the extension you want, press 1.
To page a customer, press 2.
For the fuel desk, press 3.
For the general store gas station, press 4.
Press 4 for parts and service Press 5 for the restaurant and fast food Press 6 for our manager
Oh they got a manager line
Hi Bailey, is that Bailey like to drink?
Kinda, felt a little different
Oh wow, were your parents like drunks and stuff?
You know my dad had it down pat, I don't think my mom was too for it
Oh she was more like into heroin and stuff?
Yeah
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Shave that girl's head no you wait oh yes I is forced head shavings today
where's that beep come from motherfucker yeah what's making beep what the hell's going on you
forget me no you dropped I didn't do anything you dropped no I hung up because I was on like
old for like three minutes all right well we restarted the program here's a number
look I did it right milkman I did it look thank you oh I love you big big hug well just so you
You know, pharmacy, pharmacy, pharmacy, motherfucker, fucking pharmacy.
Now, just what the fucking pharmacy.
OK, would you like to speak with the pharmacy or the store?
The pharmacy.
OK, I'm connecting you to someone who can help.
Hurry up.
I want them now.
Sorry, our staff is answering other calls.
Please hold on and we'll be with you.
You are a lying sack of shit.
You are a sorry piece of fuck.
Is that what sorry is?
Thank you for calling Walgreens.
Is Emily speaking?
How may I help you?
Emily, we got to go.
Come on, let's go.
What's taking so long?
What are we doing?
What's taking so long?
For what?
You're taking too long to answer the phone.
You're taking too long to fill the prescriptions.
Sorry.
No, do it now.
Now, right now.
Okay.
All right.
What's it for?
I need 200 Klonopins.
I wish.
Okay.
I'm going to shave your head while I'm there.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm going to come up behind you and shave your head with a pair of clippers that I got.
Battery power clippers.
I would prefer not.
No, you want it.
You know you want it.
I want to make you nice and bald, like my little marine.
Oh.
And I'm going to pet you like my little chicken.
Okay.
All right?
And I'm going to feed you little corns.
What are you doing?
Are you pushing the buttons?
I'm waiting for you to tell me what you need.
I need 200 corn pins.
Okay.
What's your name?
My name is Cross.
It's your birthday.
Uh, 4-20-69.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Did you find me?
Did you find me?
No.
All right, just start throwing stuff at me.
Just start throwing stuff when I come in.
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I slipped, man.
I'm just trying to get warmed up.
I'm just trying to get warmed up.
That's all, man.
Sorry.
It'll pass.
Don't get too warm, buddy.
Don't get too warm.
All right.
All right?
Don't get too hot.
All right.
I'll keep an eye on it, man.
I'll start reminding myself then next time.
Really?
That wasn't good at all.
I'm not feeling good about this show.
I'm thinking about packing it in already.
Unless things start turning around.
Bullshit.
Bullshit alert.
Get on the show, buddy.
We're all right.
Look, I did it right.
I did it right.
I'm worried that the incoming calls aren't going to work.
All right.
I get a good prank call.
I'll do our promos here.
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
All right, I'll try it again.
Give him another shot.
Hello?
Yeah, hi.
You have some diabetes supplies, Lantus for sale?
Some Lantus for the Aviva?
That's the actual show Aviva, right?
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Nice. That's good. That's cool. I can dig that. Yeah, that's cool.
That means you were like a hippie machine back in the day?
No, never.
I'm going to shave your head when I go over there, all right?
No, thanks.
I'm going to foreshave your head. All right, listen, it's time to smoke marijuana. I got to go.
All right, well, go smoke your pot.
All right. Smell you later. Bye, big girl. Bye, honey.
Bye.
Bye, stupid.
Well, she had fun with that, didn't she, Milkman?
Milkman is done.
Milkman!
Milkman, are you there?
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I was muted, so you couldn't even hear me.
Because you're high on drugs, and you can't even work the phone anymore.
No, because I get bitched out by the man if I make any noise during a call.
So, to be a good boy, I'm muted.
Because, motherfucker, you're like, I'm going to eat celery on the phone tonight, on the show.
It's going to be great.
Everyone's going to think it's so funny.
Crunch, crunch, crunch.
That was so funny.
So, what do you got tonight?
What's your...
Oh, you can hear it.
That's the ball of foam right there getting torched up.
All right.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
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All right, then. All right, then. I'll rename it. How about I call it Orange Crush, okay?
No, I have O.G. Kush. I'm fine. I'll be just fine. Thank you. Thank you, sir. No, thank you.
Tell me, you've got a share here on our 420 here. Share it. Let us know what you're cooking over there, daddy.
I'm on O.G. Kush, which makes up the genetic backbone of West Coast cannabis varieties.
But in spite of its ubiquity, its genetic origins remain a mystery.
L.A. in 1995 after being transplanted coast-to-coast from Florida by its original propagators.
There you go.
Did you ever find out what the O.G. stands for?
Original Gangster?
No, that terminology is for like musical, but I'm talking about O.G. in reference to strange.
Orange Grape.
Nope.
Optical, Optimum Good.
You're just guessing like crazy.
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Like a rusted tin.
I mean, it doesn't do nothing for the animals.
Can it, like, feed them, the tin?
No.
I got a billy goat.
Will he eat that?
No, no.
It just come off the roof.
That's all it is, roof and tin.
Well, I mean, all right, here's my question.
I don't know.
Do you know a good veterinarian?
Because I grew up, and they always used to say that billy goats would eat anything,
that they'd eat the tin and the garbage and all that stuff.
So we had some spare, like, metal and concrete from when they built the ranch,
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Call us on Twitter, Madhouse on Twitter, at Madhouse on Twitter.
Facebook, while you can get us on Facebook, Madhouse.Live, Madhouse.Live on Facebook.
Holy shit, let's stop that for a second.
Milkman, did you hear what happened to Facebook today, man?
The biggest loss in stock market history.
They lost...
Oh, I heard they're underselling now.
Yeah, they got, like, big drop in their prices.
They underbudgeted their...
Undermet their gains or whatever.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
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And that was okay until about 15 years ago when all that shit, when all these, like, wars were going on with DCN and all those haters.
I called Facebook and told them that that wasn't my real name.
What the fuck have I not been milked at?
I know who did that.
I'm not going to say this woman or man's name, but there was someone going around doing that to all of us.
You know, I know, like, personally, probably like one of you, right?
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
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Madonado
My
Verified yeah, it's called the verified account. I believe on Twitter. It's called the verified account
I don't think celebrities really do Facebook publicly they do Twitter
From that is you look them up. You look up your favorite star their honors. I'm here and there's also fake
Snapchat so big to face snapchat a lot to know that shit like that Instagram on the ground as I say
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Discord.gg forward slash pranks
That's what it is.
That's the chat room that we primarily pay attention to here.
Discord.gg slash pranks
Patreon.com slash Madhouse
Support Madhouse
Support, we just ask for a dollar if you have it
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Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
All right, we'll try them again.
Don't panic.
And I'm just calling swap shops.
We got numbers from Big Ethan, and we got numbers from Big Parkman also to get to.
Big Parkman, Parkman Milkman, I said Parkman, I said.
All right, Parkman, yeah.
Yeah, Parkman, yeah, Parkman.
Can you do a Jack Masterson if you can?
Can you do a Jack Masterson tonight?
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Thank you sir
Alright this joker isn't picking up
We got another one here for
A 40x70 utility trailer
Good conned
Pressure treated flow
Bearing buddies whatever the fuck this means
It got balls 178 balls
Yeah balls milkman
I know you're a big fan of balls
There you go man
Basketball baseball
Football football
Nutballs
Nice round balls man
I'm being I've had to pee a lot hello hello hey brother how you doing you got a reclaimed uh
what is it a utility trailer yeah all right what can you tell me about that
you get 74 inches long it's 40 inches between the uh fender wells the fenders are only about
an inch and a half two inches higher than the actual bed so if you're putting a lawnmower
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What are the balls do?
Stupid, fucking, fucking stupid.
I don't want to do that.
I'm just playing gay porno sounds.
I'm just fucking retarded.
I got the FU button.
We're going to leave gay sex on the voicemail.
Get ready, Milkman.
Cover your ears.
If you don't listen to it, you're not gay, all right?
Lomo, shut up and let me talk to your mom.
I was leaving a voicemail.
You have pressed an incorrect key.
Hang on, let's listen.
If you're satisfied with the message...
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, it's okay. You didn't know.
I was on hold to erase and rerecord press 3. Okay. Can I hear it? How do I hear it? Yeah, hang on
We'll be quiet. You gotta let me hear the office if you're satisfied with the message press 1. Yeah, listen to your yes
Here we go to to our race and
Some crazy sex
What happened? Let me talk to your mom.
If you're satisfied with the message, press Y.
To listen to you, to leave the number from which you are calling, press pound.
To leave another callback number, enter the 10-digit number.
Then, press pound.
To leave no number, press pound.
Oh my god.
Thank you. Your message has been sent.
Alright, see, maybe that guy will call back. That'd be really funny.
That's weird, right? Glass breaking and shit.
Madhouse Live
Hey, gay gay guys, stop talking.
All right, maybe that guy will get some entertainment out of that.
Okay, someone is looking for a dog fence run.
I'm not looking for a small kennel, but more of a small fenced-in lot.
So he's looking to get some dog fencing run.
All right.
Don't let me know Your call cannot be completed, I dialed I dialed it wrong, shit Hey, does the master control number still work if I call it? It should Alright It should, buddy We're gonna have to go take a piss, man It's really bad I don't have a jug here to put it in The piss The penis and the piss Oh, hell You gotta put that on the camera when you build the checkout Nah, I'll turn the camera off Alright, they just hung up They completely hung up Let me play a quick prank call while I go take an emergency pee I'll tell you what the problem is It won't take more than eight minutes
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
Let's see if this plays if I just click it. Hang on. Looks like a well milkman looks like
Hey milkman, I'm back, you know, I just figured out all right, you know, I just figured out the way up
That played all over the YouTube now. They're gonna shut us down. She
It might not it might not trigger I
Should have muted on the YouTube
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Yeah, Milkman, I don't know what's going on. I've been pissing a lot the last couple days.
It's bad.
Have you been drinking a lot of water, would it?
Not any more than usual.
I think there's something wrong with the Madhouse direct dial-up line.
It keeps hanging up when I dial.
I think it's me dialing around.
No, I said the direct dial line.
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Oh, I can't hear very good. I'm sorry.
Well, it's shitty quality, too. We can barely hear you.
We can barely hear you, guy.
All right, well, okay.
We can't build a show that's shitty quality.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Hey, it's Ethan.
Hey, Ethan. What's up, Ethan?
What's going on?
Hey, not bad. Thanks for calling in. How you been?
Not too bad.
It's good to hear you, Ethan.
It's Brad Carter.
Ethan.
As Brad Carter said in the chat last week, it's Ethan from last week.
That's officially my name.
That is. Yeah, Ethan Milkman, you named him.
Ethan from last week
Ethan last week
you called him
Ethan from last week
oh it's Ethan from last week
hey brother
I couldn't hear your audio
it was so low
I was afraid
that we were getting
a prank call or something
yeah you gotta check
that bluetooth man
I was fucking around
on that
Howard Stern soundboard
it's alright
it's alright
no worries
no worries
okay
nice try
just your audio
was a little low
do a sound check too
before you start your
look at Milkman
Milkman's the fucking
sound engineer
the king of bad audio
over here
Milkman
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Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
Please check the number.
Check the number.
It's because there's dots.
Check with your provider.
Because there's dots.
Your fingers are too fast.
It's dots instead of dashes.
I blame Ethan for this.
Ethan from last week.
You know, that's what it was.
My bad.
It's all right.
Craig will copy-paste.
Your fingers are too fast.
Do you want dots or dashes?
Dashes and a one helps out also.
Saves me some time.
Matt Baz Milkman
Milkman 68 Cadillac DeVille
2012 Honda Accord Special Edition 4-Sill Automatic Leather Alloys MP3 Auxiliary Power Seats Cold AC 167.000 Miles Runs and Drives Very Good Clean Tittle Asking 69 $00 Call or Text
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We've got someone in search of a ride to the Dallas, Texas area on their way back to Phoenix, Arizona.
I can go anywhere that is convenient for you to pick me up, and I can be dropped off anywhere in the Dallas area.
Blah, blah, blah. I can help out with that.
Polite college educated school teacher.
All right, cool. Polite. We'll see about that. Let's see.
I was sipping on beers while getting these numbers at my local bar.
Really? Living the life, man.
Wings
Gotta Love Them Wings
Garlic
Buffalo
Head's Itchy
You Have Reached The Voicemail Box Of
It Might Be The Fact That The
Outgoing Caller ID Says Big Business
Yeah
Big Business
You Have Reached
Okay That Didn't Work We Got A Prius
Someone's Got A Prius So Gas Is
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How in the heck is he going to be able to afford that, man?
He's going to have to get a loan.
Can somebody loan this guy a penny, man?
I don't know.
No, fuck that, Tabor.
Look, I'm not saying that one cent a month isn't enough,
but it says you've been donating since 2015 one cent a month,
but a total of zero dollars.
I don't think this guy's been donating this whole time.
So instead we'll go to Desi.
I don't like to give out the full name,
but Desi is in the snakes apparently
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One Cent Store and More
One Cent
I don't think that covers a transaction fee
I think that's why it says
That must be on purpose this guy did that
That motherfucker's getting free shows
He's getting the shows
Does he charge you a fee
for being a
contact creator? Like do they take a portion out every month?
They take a portion out I'm sure they're taking
the whole cent for that person's thing
It's not for you
Oh me?
Do they screw you or not?
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I saw them closing when I was down there.
The text now subscriber you were trying to reach is not available.
Please leave your message after the tone.
That fucking, whatchamacallit, that giraffe, April the giraffe from last year that had a shit out of baby.
It's pregnant again.
Well, last time, I don't know if they're going to show a video about this.
Well, I guess they'll get another sponsor.
They have to.
Last time the sponsor was Toys R Us because of, you know, Jeffrey the giraffe.
That ain't gonna happen this year.
That's probably why they went bankrupt.
Sponsoring bullshit like fucking...
Yeah, I got banned from like three chat rooms on Facebook
for saying dumb shit about the giraffe's vagina.
And that was pretty gross when that baby came out.
It was like...
You have to go ahead and talk about the horsey.
Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.
I'm playing video of that right now.
That giraffe being born.
Go ahead and do the horsey cat chat room.
The horsey cat chat room?
It's the horsey cat chat room, sir.
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We should have hit this up in the first hour.
This is my fault.
I'm sorry, Parkman.
Please leave your message for...
I failed you, Parkman.
Well, I was having a little bit of technical difficulties, too.
I think that's part of it.
Well, I was running late.
That was the problem.
I ran really late today.
That was the primary cause was you got off to a slightly late start, but that's because
you're on call.
Oh, my God.
I just read...
Parkman
He puts ideas with all those numbers
The idea for this one is hilarious
I don't want to spoil it for everybody
Hey, Ethan, I'm going to let you go
I got your numbers
I'm going to see if someone else wants to join in
Thanks for joining
Alright, brother
Thanks for sending numbers
You're always welcome here
Later, Bill
Hey, thanks a lot, Ethan
Last week, see you next week
Peace, brother
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
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I'll see you give it a few seconds see if someone joins
there we go we got a caller now
alright we got a caller now motherfucker
thank you for calling customer service how can I help you
Madhouse
I'm looking for Mr. Valente
this is Valente Cross however you want him
he's here how can I help you brother
he's here Jim Bob
may I help you
Turd Ferguson
Turd Ferguson
the Turd Ferguson
yeah
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If you need to excavate due to an emergency, press 1.
To report the damage or disturbance of a buried utility, press 3.
If you will be digging...
This is the guy that said, I can dig whatever I want, wherever I want in my property.
...and presenting a clear danger demanding action to prevent loss or damage to life, health...
You're supposed to call... Everyone, this is true. You call before you dig.
Because if you break some gas main or fiber cable, internet lines, phone lines,
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What the hell is that?
I don't know, but I can't keep it on because it'll flag us.
I gotta do this right, come in and out.
Give it a few seconds each time.
So what can you talk about there, Turd Ferguson?
Why do I think you go way back?
How long have you been around the community?
Well, I mean, I've never been involved in a community,
but I've been listening forever.
I don't know, maybe like 2007 or something like that.
Well, I thought I'd see you in chat rooms and stuff right hello. Hello
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, see I recognize it
No, we had we used to have a turd burglar who was involved and actually did a show on the old man
Worker I know him. I remember him. Yeah. Oh, do you mean this guy?
Yeah, it hung up son of a cock. Yeah turd burglar. He made a prank call
He worked he was a mortuary mortician or something and he he made a prank called a mortuary and he got in trouble and then he
Press 1 to report the damage or disturbance of a buried utility.
An emergency is a situation resulting from a private occurrence
and presenting a clear danger demanding action to prevent loss or damage to life.
Relatively straightened up until he started doing a few calls with us.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Yeah, well, he joined the Army and had a kid and all that stuff.
He's a good guy.
Then he came back, he got out of the Army, and he started working at a...
You call for that it's a good song too. Well, we just can't play this cuz the fucking YouTube. This is crazy, man
No, I'm here it's the same it's the same whole song milkman. It's the same whole song. It's the same whole song
They got the same whole song we do
This is what you hear when we
I have to play this to I have to play this to throw off the music from YouTube so it
doesn't kick in this needs to be fast this needs to be really fast okay all right you
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Come fix the line. Make it go.
So you've damaged the line when you're doing your digging?
Well, as far as I know, this is my property. I can dig wherever I want.
I'm asking you a question. What's the answer to it?
Well, didn't I tell you that we dug the hole, that the line came out,
and I just went outside and you heard the electrical sounds?
Okay.
So what do you think? What do you think, ignorant? What do you think?
What do you think that means?
It's a damaged line.
Oh, very good.
Wow.
I'm Gonna
I'll tell you what you listen to me
Jesus Christ that attitude. I'm just saying Matt Hillock wants to jump on yes Matt. Give me a working on it right now
I'm working on it. I got a patchy end give me a second
Shit, that's right. Thank you. That's her big girl, and I'll give her. I'll give her a big girl and talk to a man
Get close to your 10 minutes, man.
Oh, I'm sorry.
She is.
Don't worry, Matt. We're coming, man.
Matt Hillock, we're coming.
We're connecting you, buddy. Just sit tight. I'm going to call you on the Skype.
Fuck that. I'm done with it.
I ruined it. I should have said big girl right now.
Can't call it back. She's going to be the only one working there.
All right.
Here's the Seattle News
tip line. I've called them before.
Before that, let me get Matt on. Everyone, stand by.
Listen to some Wu-Tang Clan.
Why do that? Thank you.
Madhouse Live
What?
You listening to me?
All right, poop time.
Let's see if this works right.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Call Skype.
All right, we are now dialing Matt Hillock.
We'll give him a second here to connect.
Matt Hillock!
Hey!
Please turn down your...
Hey, big guy, how you doing?
Yes, please.
What is up?
What is up?
I turned off the mixer.
Wow.
How you doing, buddy?
I'm bringing him down.
Can you hear me?
You hear them?
Yes.
Okay, good.
I can hear you just fine.
Good, good.
Milkman, talk to Matt.
See if he can hear you.
See if it's all working.
Milkman, Milkman.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
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The milkman get milk man. You gotta get that Instagram because he has boxers. Oh, yeah get Instagram, dude
It's pretty fucking cool
I'm the same way. I don't like milk man. I don't like doing a lot of pictures of me and shit
It's a miracle. I'm on you
Oh, yeah, it is it really you look fun. Good man. The fucking cameras setups are neat
Madhouse Live
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so the channel went underground for a while but it'll be back right it was a call that
myself and jayad did maybe and so i'm like i don't give a fuck dude leave it on but he said
no you see because that's the thing i was telling jack when we first started this we need releases
that's that's how all the big boys do you get really need to have releases that's the truth
like all these pranks that i do and the rest of us do broadcasting them live and stuff like we
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Seoul
go
again again if you didn't bring that
damn animal in your life you wouldn't
have the problems with it
well he's it's like when people complain
about their children or their wife if
you don't have these things well she
wouldn't have the problem well you know
we're yeah we we needed something are
relatively yeah this is heat no homework
like homer just said it was one of his
toys and it isn't it's it isn't it was
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I should try to draw
some horsey cats
you're a really good horsey cat by the way
she really draws
like sexy dragons and shit
like she's like good at that
sexy lesbian dragons
with big lesbian tongues
blah blah blah
it's so cool that we got all these
weirdo friends that just do this
shit man I love
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
In Rogersville, there's these new ranch lands, horse machine ranch.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
You know, if you keep a car, if you come towards Morristown, you'll see Wackels Market.
Right.
On 25th.
So the next exit turns to the right, you'll see a church up there on the right coming from Rogersville.
Okay.
If you come down 11W, probably.
Do you want to meet at the church and I'll follow you?
Yeah, we live right there at the church, Lake Moore.
You live in the church?
Oh, nice, nice.
All right, can I come over tonight?
I'm feeling kind of randy, you know?
Well, I'll tell you what.
You just keep laying down there in bed and I'll come over.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Can I just see the tractor, then?
Can I just see the tractor?
Yeah, you can see the tractor.
All right.
Will you ride the tractor for me?
Have you ride the tractor a little bit here and there?
I probably won't tonight.
All right, but tomorrow, tomorrow when I come by.
Tomorrow I might do it then.
All right.
And what if I bring a nice nightgown for you to wear while you run the tractor?
I doubt it.
Well, maybe I wear the nightgown and watch you.
What are you wearing when you run a tractor?
You got overalls?
Yeah, I usually wear work pants.
Dickies work pants.
Ah, Dickies.
Those are the best.
That's nice.
That's nice.
Can you unzip your pants while you run it?
I don't think so.
Oh, come on.
Do something sexual with me.
You take care.
Sexual?
I want to do sexual things.
I'm a pervert.
I'm a drunk.
Fucking drunk pervert motherfucker.
You're not interested?
All right, fine.
He don't want to talk business.
He's not down.
Milkman
I don't think it was Merritt.
Single and ready to mingle.
Yeah.
I'm ready to ride a tractor.
Mingling.
Excuse me.
I'm better than riding my goat.
Sheep.
Man, I imagine goat pussy smells really bad.
Matt, do you have any input on that?
Uh, goat?
I would imagine it would.
I think, like, I've been around goats and the whole thing smells bad.
But I can't talk shit on goats because Hail Satan, you know?
Oh, yeah, true.
Yeah, like, off a minute, right? Off a minute.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't shit on ghosts too much.
But, oh, yeah, like, really think about, like, fucking a goat, how horrible that'd be.
Like, a gross, just, well, maybe in, like, nature, they're all good and, like, keep themselves clean.
But I think about, like, a farm, like, living in shit and, like, a pen, eating cans or whatever goats do.
TheFNDC.com
It is like, okay, so he's sort of scribbling for like 30 seconds. I'm like, oh, that was the last time I saw that therapist.
Fuck that guy. They're all gums, yo.
He was a homosexual, too, I think.
Oh, real quick, dumb little story. I got like pretty tired out going doing I did my infusion today.
That's where I go, you know, once a month to get MS medicine IV'd in me for an hour.
Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
The 7 Seals
were broken and then the man
where this and the demons
were coming and just all this
weird shit
but he was very nice and helpful to me
alright cool
I mean he's doing his job and he's
I mean he's got to deal with you
I feel bad because
I got that like cripple card
where like
the government
pays them so I'm not able to
tip on it though
TheFNDC.com
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'm sorry I missed your call, but if you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
I'm sorry I missed your call.
Turd Ferguson, are you there?
I'm going to have to clear you so someone else can join.
Thanks for joining, though.
I'll probably call in next week.
Oh, good.
All right, cool, yeah.
Call in next week.
Call in the week after that.
All right, brother.
See you later, man.
Thanks for calling.
Sweet.
Have a good one, guys.
Good.
Bye.
All right, Milkman, you still there?
Did I lose you?
I think I hit the button on Milkman.
Oh, that sucks.
Nookman, are you on mute?
Nookman, I'm mute.
Maybe he's just doing something.
Should I call him back?
Yes.
Yeah, I didn't want to, like, come in and, like, figure it.
I just wanted him to say, I mean, I'm happy to hang around,
but I didn't want to, like, come move in and yell shit, you know?
You're fine.
The second I hang up on people, another one calls in.
I can tell that this is a popular show.
Go on up.
That's nice, man.
I'm just happy everybody's doing good right now maybe we'll have an oh
excuse me do you hear music Matt yes but I'm with the mixer hello sorry I'm
unable to take your call I thought that was milkman at first yeah well he that's
he's got one of those messages like I gotcha
Brant and or Brandon not Brendan Vegas what's up man hey I get that number two
that wall dreams you called yeah I tried earlier did you did you get it did you
see them racking I well I was in the house towards the
back because I was still waiting for my script and I was the only person waiting
so yeah I was listening on my earbuds and I really was I didn't want to look
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Oh, not too much, Milkman. Driving a cab machine, having fun.
Oh, you drive a cab? I didn't know you did that.
You drive a cab machine, too?
Wow.
Look at these guys.
Oh, no, no, no.
So we, oh, I was going to say, we got a legend, we got fucking Milkman, and we got you, but you're fibbing.
No.
Hey, Matt, I'm not, I'm actually not far from you, uh, geographically, by the way.
Cool.
We need to get some beer sometimes or something, yeah?
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I've been around people who do that, you know, whatever.
Someone on YouTube is saying that Matt is too punk rock to take showers.
Yeah, like G.G. Allen.
That's a good way to put it.
That's because in that movie, Hated, the documentary about G.G. Allen,
Todd Phillips, the director of The Hangover, says that when he,
or no, it's actually that onk guy,
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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It sounds like I got, like, chicken bones in my mouth, right?
What is it?
And then you just, like, put, like, a pen in there and make it touch the microphone?
No, I just, I mean, it touches the microphone just because it's long.
I take a Sharpie or a marker.
This is a dry erase marker.
I put it in my cheek.
I talk like this.
Yeah.
And then you got to kind of lick it and swish it around so it sounds like, and then I breathe.
Yeah, it was rad, like, seeing that, like, you know, seeing some behind-the-scenes shit.
I'm sure someone's going to, like, Photoshop a dick in my mouth one day, and that's fine.
Oh, that would be hilarious.
I'm not adverse to sucking a dick, you know.
I love when people Photoshop me in silly shit, like that fucking, like, that Tristan made that fat one of me, like, laying down with the kid doing thumbs up.
I swear to God, I thought that was real. I thought that was really you, man.
It looks so good.
RCA
I had no idea
there's a RCA refrigerator
I thought that was like a radio company
and a television company
I thought it was an audio visual
I think it's everything
shit
it's probably like an outside
Carlito
Carlito
hey did you get that number I sent you
not too long ago
probably probably
is it facebook
The Home and Yeah Yeah It Was On Facebook Messenger You Know You Don't Have To Call It Now But If You Could Call It Maybe Like After The Break
Yeah Sure
I'm Gonna Try This Refrigerator We're Gonna Take That Damn Break
Okay
You Like Take Like Breaks See There You Go
Structure
I Just Every Now And Again Say Hey I Gotta Piss And Hope Somebody Else Covers It
Hey You Got A RCA Refrigerator
Yeah
Alright What Can You Tell Me About That
The RCA was in the movie business, but this one doesn't have pictures when you open it up.
I get it.
Well, I had an RCA, like, phonograph thing, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, can I...
No, it's about a 14-foot refrigerator.
It's an upstairs freezer and a downstairs...
Downstairs...
Hi.
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Rogersville is going to be the city of Satan's new capital, you know, we want him to rise when you're going to do
Excuse me, sometimes they flip when you go
I like to come today if I could tonight take a look at that
We have the goat we start out by masturbating and having sex with a goat and Matt's already taking care of that. He
Ejaculated in her twice and now it's time for the sacrifice the drowning of the goat
We've got to have the refrigerator before we drown it.
Yeah, we need to put it in, because we're supposed to use a coffin,
but good luck trying to find a coffin at this time of night, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I'll just bring it to you.
If you all will just tell me where to meet you at there.
All right, you know where the Walmarts is?
Yeah.
All right.
Okay, all right.
You got my number and caller ID?
I got it on caller ID.
Can you come tonight?
Well, I should be able to.
All right.
How long do you think it takes?
We'll get ready here.
It'll take me about
give me about 15 minutes.
About 15? Alright.
Is this a cell phone I'm talking to you on
or a different number? Yeah.
Hey, I'm just going to throw this out there.
If by any chance he has
a water truck or access
to a water truck so we can fill
this thing when it gets there?
We have a water truck? Probably not, right?
No. Alright, we'll go ahead and
pop the hydrant again. Yeah, we got it.
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I don't think he's coming.
He seemed like a good egg, though.
He might.
At least he's not prejudiced.
Yeah, sure, you want Satan to come.
Fuck this town.
I hate this fucking town.
I hate the sheriff in this town.
He's just reasonable and knows that there's no Satan in there.
You're just stupid people.
All right, all right, Turd.
Sounds like one of those Willie Nelson types.
I guess.
Turd Ferguson, I'm going to drop you here so we can take our break.
Thanks for joining.
You did that way earlier.
I'm not Turd.
I'm Brendan
Oh you're Brendan
Shit
You did that
See
But I'll call that number
Alright buddy
Have a good week
See ya man
Alright
Matt I will
Let you go
And perhaps
Hey
It was fun man
Cheers buddy
Good talking to you
Later
Alright Milkman
Are you here sir
Can you hear me
Milkman
Can you hear me
Yeah bruv
What's up big man
How you doing big guy
1989
1989
What happened in 89
What happened
RCA
January 1989
I can't imagine like I would be like if I saw a refrigerator oh okay well there you go I like
but that's got to be like a different Chinese company that just bought the rights to the RCA
brand name just for no no why it is because it's made by the affiliated GE
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Carlito Laugh Track Madhouse Live
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Madhouse station in the nation 98.6 ml Madhouse Radio will be back right after this
I hope that when you die they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom
so when you die you open a trap door at the bottom you check the GPS and you go straight
down to the hell Madhouse Radio is back you are bigger than a woman you are better than a woman
We'll always be behind you.
Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.
Trank.
Alrighty.
Hey, what's up, baby?
Madhouse Live
No, not yet. No calls yet, buddy. We're holding on to that.
What do you think is going to take me serious?
I doubt it, but I could be gay.
You never know, right? I'll give him a call. We've got a few minutes left on that.
Did you get that text for the date chart on it?
The what?
I texted you the date chart. It tells you the letter on the tag on the back. It'll tell you what date it was made.
Oh, you sent me a text message? Yeah, let me get the phone here and I can find it.
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
RCA Appliance
Age or Manufacture
The
Year
From
2000
By
Two
To
Eight
Nineteen
Eighty
Nine
Okay
Yeah Cool
I Got
It
Let
Me
Let
Me
See
If
He's
There
Let
Me
Get
My
Driving
Sound
I want to see if we can get him to check the plate for us and he was the last guy we called right I think he was the last guy
yeah you know me ruining at the end I was at the end hello yeah hey this is cross I was over there
on my way to the walmart's did you make it yet no I uh I run into some problems motherfucker you
I dropped that refrigerator. I'm trying to load it to the truck and busted it all to pieces.
Nah, you didn't. You weren't going to come at all.
Why are you lying to me? You go to church and you're lying to me. Why are you doing that?
Why don't you tell me the truth?
Who said I go to church?
You said you go to the church. You're at the church.
No, I didn't say no such thing.
Well, then you're lying to someone, my bitch.
You want to meet me somewhere and tell me that?
Yeah, at the Walmart. I'm almost there right now. Why don't you come here right now? Call it to your face
You some of them. Hey, why don't you forget this number? No, never never motherfucker. I'm gonna shave your head
You're gonna what I'm gonna shave your head. Why cuz you pissing me off
Well, they better be pissed off and pissed on you made a fucking bullshit story about all I draw up the refrigerator
Bullshit, you didn't put it on there at all. Did you want to be honest with me boy? Wait? Yeah, you're nothing but boy
You're nothing but a boy. You're nothing but a child.
Okay. Well, you shouldn't carry children, that's what.
Oh, I'll shave your head. That's what I'm going to do. Then I'll suck your dick.
You didn't come. I knew you were right, Milkman. It's my fault. It's my fault.
Chewbacca. Chewbacca.
It's my goddamn fault, Milkman. It's no one else's fault but Carlito's fault.
And I apologize to all the listeners.
Man, I want to get rid of this goatee like it's itching me. I just want to shave it all off.
Maybe that's why I keep doing this and my head's itching.
Is that what it is? You got kidneys?
Madhouse Live
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You know that drunk Mexican guy, the Mexican guy that was saying he was going to kill me?
That guy right there.
Reclude tracked him down and gave him a prank call.
And he played audio of him, like all these clips here.
Motherfucker, chingas a tu puta madre, hijo de puta.
He played shit like that to him and he sort of cursed him back. It's a short prank. It's really funny. Let's hear that real quick.
Is that, is that, still, is that firm?
Would you take a bite?
Puttisima, puttisima madre, hijo de tu pinche puta madre, wey.
Tell the wey.
Chinga tu madre.
Que quieres, hijo de tu pinche puta madre?
Is that okay?
You want some more, you son of a bitch, mother.
I mean, you want some more, you pinche.
Isn't that bad enough?
And then he hung up after that.
So that, that was really, I really enjoyed the fact that, so we tracked him down because
Stamina Table
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Blue Moon Recording Studio
Oh, I hit the wrong thing, motherfucker.
Shit, I hit the wrong thing.
Man, am I stupid.
I'm getting there, hang on.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Actually, we've had a lot of voicemails left at night.
That was a lot of shit I heard in a while, man.
Drop your secrets.
Where is this?
Monday, Saturday.
Okay, here it is.
Pape people?
What does that mean?
Please tell us.
What does that mean?
Where did it come from?
Where did pape people come from?
That is a prank call.
That's this.
Pape people?
That was a prank call. You can find it on the Madhouse website.
It's a prank call. I believe it was called, it's like Japanese pizza.
It was a Japanese place, a Japanese pizza hut.
I'm like fucking with the guy talking English and not, it's in Japan.
And at the end, I just got him to start saying, like repeating what I said.
And I got him, I said, pape people. And he goes, pape people.
That's where that came from.
It was funny at the time. It's just a goofy little thing we do.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Yeah, good to see you again. Good to hear you again.
Good to see me.
I'm signing up for Patreon soon.
I know I said I was going to become a horse.
I haven't gotten to it yet. Just got back into town.
So expect to see me on there in like 24 hours.
Peace out, dude.
All right, good.
We got a new horse member coming.
All right.
Good, all right, horse.
Nice.
Thanks, Big Carl.
What's that?
All right, what do we got here?
Hey, Carlito, long-time listener, man.
Keep doing your thing.
Peace.
Peace.
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
The Machine Ranch Road
Yeah, definitely.
That whole area.
I'd like to see that.
I'd love to see it.
It's so bizarre.
And I gotta tell you, man, there's like two school members I think that are probably
the best of the modern era.
And I think one is Longmont Potion Castle.
Right.
And I think you're probably the other one.
And I love the Jersey Boys and I love the sort of like 70s, 80s era.
But the way that you're sort of taken into this absurdist place where folks really don't
know how to react, I think is very genius.
Madhouse Live
I think that's Zach I think his name is Zach Hobbs he's on Facebook everyone look him up buy some of his Madhouse related art if he still sells it I don't know yeah man good stuff alright here's another one real quick
Hello this is a completely different person John Barry died Thursday morning of May 19th 2016 at 7.30am at a hospice in Danvers Massachusetts he was 52
John Barry III, Barry's father, confirmed his death Thursday afternoon to Rolling Stone.
He said his son suffered from frontal lobe dementia, which had worsened in recent months.
Rolling Stone reports Barry was a member of a number of other bands, such as Even Worse, Big Fat Love, Stars, and Urban Dilla.
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I don't know, I don't know, I don't know man
Almost kind of reminded me of Jonathan a little bit
Caller, you're on the air with Milkman
Yeah, hey, what's up? It's Ian from last week
Oh, Ian, how you doing, man?
Yeah, man, how you doing?
We're just doing some, you know, playing some quick voice mail, you know
Yeah
That's all, that's all
This one, transcription not received, so no one said anything
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
Do Not Call List
Everyone else, please leave your message, and we'll get back to you.
Thank you.
I think she's been fucked with enough at this point.
They don't want to...
She did just say, stop crying.
She don't want me to listen to this.
Yeah, because the guys are calling her, and the girls,
calling her up and giving her shit.
Yeah, all right, so where's my numbers list?
Let's see what Parkman sent in that might work still here.
We called the Missouri Diggas.
Seattle News
Tupac was going to be Mace Windu in fucking Star Wars in the Star Wars prequels.
Can you believe that shit?
That he lived.
George Lucas wanted him to do that.
Crazy shit.
Now he's a hologram.
Yeah, now he's a hologram.
That'll teach him.
You live by the gun, you die by the gun.
California, California.
Get it, cop that.
Yeah, your song.
You remember that time you were like, I love this song.
They rockin'.
That's what you said.
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Goddammit woman I tell you what Alright let me send you over thank you very much hold on Hurry up Beep beep beep I'm a girl I don't know how to use this HOMO News site It's HOMO Radio Radio or TV Call for news Yeah hi I'm trying to make a news tip what's going on here This is the newsroom how can I help you Alright there's a 10 year old kid named Trey that lives with a single mother and he got into a fight at school and the teacher told the mother that Trey is like really intelligent but he has a
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So anyway, to get down to it, this kid had a fight with this other guy named Doughboy.
And they went to a nearby store, and then they saw this other gang, and they were driving around, and they were trying to attempt to avoid them.
And they cut through a back alleyway, and they got all split up.
And then the kid turned back to that Ricky guy, but the car, the gang member's car pulled up.
And they ran, but they got shot.
They shot him in the leg with a shotgun.
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Scarecrow
You're a cunt.
Fake news.
Fake news.
You're fake news.
You're fake news.
Labia.
Labia.
You got big labia.
She won't take my story.
Oh my.
Who's that story based on?
Was that based on like a Tupac story?
Like Louis and Seattle?
It's based off the movie Boys in the Hood, bro.
Madhouse Live
Ligma Nuts
The End of My Dick
Thank you for the number, but that's not a good time.
You know, someone did ask me recently here, what are calls that I regret?
When I did that show with Brad where he interviewed me, and I failed to mention, like, the calls that I don't want to do are like,
alright, so I did, I was in a hospital once, and they gave me a list of phone numbers to the rooms,
and I sat on it for a year, and then I called one on a match show, and it was funny, but I wouldn't want to do that again.
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carnage and shit but they would take a live animal if they were hungry in them
yeah but dude fucking grizzlies you can't fuck with
grizzlies are fucking killing shit
grizzlies don't, like that's what I'm saying
fucking wicked dude, they've got a claw on them
dude as long as your finger
just a claw
the claw is like as big around as your finger
the fucking movie The Revenant
where they fucking, the capra gets
raped by the bear
fuck that
no there is one
Get it done, get it done, get it done.
Please hold it down.
Try to shoot a bear in the head.
You better have something.
So if you're going to shoot, you need to have something.
You need to have some stopping power behind that.
If you're going to try to shoot a bear because you're just going to know that the skull is
designed at an angle, it leans back to the bullet ricochets off of it.
It penetrates go between the eyes.
Well, that's the problem.
You got to remember the bears head slanted.
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Closed Captions by GetTranscribed.com
Cactus in the Madhouse chat is saying,
how much do I have to send via Patreon to get a two-hour show of just eggs with heat calls?
Wow, good idea.
I don't think this is going anywhere.
This is depressing.
I'm going to kill it.
All right, so I'll wrap it up with a heat call,
because I know it's really easy to get a Denny's or a Waffle House,
you know, to pick up and ask for some shit we heat, you know.
I say we do it in Puerto Rico.
What do you say?
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I was supposed to be in Puerto Rico when the hurricane hit my flight was leaving the day that Maria hit and I had to cancel the day before I was like, I was all packed up was all excited. I bought gifts for my family had all this shit. I spent the weekend packing but listening to the coverage. I was listening on the internet radio to the Puerto Rican stations is listening and they're like, Oh, there's still a chance it might miss and like, I need this vacation. I want to see my fam. And yeah, the day before I woke up and then
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I heard good things about Mofongo.
Alright, alright. Can I put my friend on the line? He has to make an order too, okay?
Yes, of course.
Julio!
Motherfucker chingazo tu puta madre hijo de puta
hijo de tu pinche reputa madre maricón cabrón de mierda.
Alright, what a great call. Wow, I'm glad we waited for that.
I got the...
You should have dropped the connection there.
I guess so.
I think the internet packet burst.
Yeah, yeah. I got a...
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public service announcement go ahead brother what you got about these freaking gas card pumps okay
if you give them get your gas at a gas station they got a card like pay at the pump option yeah
user beware okay um even if you have a chip card they have the capabilities of reading even a swipe
card or a chip card and intercepting that information and then making unauthorized
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The owner said, he said, we found something inside.
He said, we called the police.
He said, you need to call the police.
I said, I've already spoke to them.
He said, well, we called the police and told them to open the pump up and showed them this orange wire.
And the police said, well, what do you want me to do?
He said, well, the orange wire is not ours.
He said, we didn't put the orange wire in there.
That's something else.
And they actually took the pump apart.
Listen, they took the pump apart, unscrewed the out frame of it,
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Brought in some good numbers.
Thank you so much.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'm gonna get in trouble with my wife.
I was gonna say.
Also, I just want to thank everybody else.
I was gonna turn it over to the big Hermonito.
We couldn't do it without our fearless generalissimo of the Madhouse.
That's right.
Our hero, the Malisha.
Thank you so much, Hermonito, for having us around.
All right.
Good, good.
Real quick, everyone.
Live prank calls going on in the chat room over at discord.gg slash pranks.
Hosted by, I don't know if it's still hosted by the same folks.
Jogamere and Olga
livepranks
in the voice chat
at discord.gg
be a pal, go in there
you don't have to do the pranks, just chill out
I'm gonna try to jump in there, I'm kind of awake still
I don't have to work tomorrow
so I'm gonna be up in there hopefully
having some more fun
why are we doing another half hour show?
because, uh
because I can't, I can't
this is enough
alright, yeah, yeah
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
MadhouseLive.com
Check out our links over there to the podcast
to the shoutcast and listening options
Dial 605-475-0097
to listen to us on the go
Leave a voicemail during the week
405-396-6884
That's 405-39-MOUTH
Follow me on Twitter
at Madhouse on Twitter
Facebook Madhouse.Live
Patreon.com forward slash Madhouse
Send us some support if you can
By all means not required
And yeah so look
I think I can scrounge up enough for a
Short Prank Calls of the Week this week
So look for that on Monday
And look for this show to be edited
Sometime over the weekend and available to you
To download by Monday as well
Thank you Milkman for being on brother
Love you like a brother from another mother
Motherfucker
All right man, man, thank you so much, brother.
Hey, let's get together later, okay?
We'll work on that little issue later in the week.
Okay, sounds good, man.
All right, keep me fancy.
And maybe tomorrow, if I'm not too busy.
I got you.
All right, everyone.
Again, my pranks coming up at Discord.
Double G.
Discord.
Double G slash pranks.
Be there.
Peace out.
Catch you next week.
Somehow it all falls back on me.
Hey, if it was up to you, that's just the way it's always going to be.
Hey, people.
No, faggot.
Oh, damn you.
Fucking drunk, pervert motherfucker.
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