Blue Crab Machines – 10/4/2018 Show
4 Oct 2018 · 2 h 25 min · 9,194 words · source
Calls (23, 1 h 23 min of 2 h 25 min)
- Whole Foods Market Alexa issue ivr 48 s clip ↓
- Whole Foods Market order request live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Calling Indian restaurants for lunch live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Boiling Crab voicemail complaint live 3.8 min clip ↓
- Boiling Crab manager Amber asked about crab machine live 5.6 min clip ↓
- Cinnabon employee guided through making cinnamon roll live 7.8 min clip ↓
- Wildlife service pest call live 33 s clip ↓
- Employee call-off with name spelling live 3.6 min clip ↓
- Call to welding job service on Guam live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Concrete contractor asked about sculpture live 2.8 min clip ↓
- Restaurant mistaken for prank call live 10.6 min clip ↓
- St. Creek Church asked about order live 3.8 min clip ↓
- Daylight Beach Club voicemail ivr 33 s clip ↓
- Luxor Show Reservations asked about Titanic live 9.3 min clip ↓
- Amrit India order prank live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Sendery Oven Indian cook prank live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Call to business about Amber and Jimmy live 33 s clip ↓
- Host demands phone call be put through live 33 s clip ↓
- OITico asked about sexual services live 11.3 min clip ↓
- Vegas for hotties voicemail voicemail 1.1 min clip ↓
- CopCam customer service asked about atomic beam live 7.8 min clip ↓
- Madhouse Live intro message ivr 33 s clip ↓
- Thank you message playback playback 3.8 min clip ↓
Transcript
We have Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, Root Beer.
Put the hose up your big fat ass, your fat white ass.
Ew!
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.
I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.
That's my big amigo.
So just kick back to listen to this cat call.
People, when this show goes live, I'll be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.
Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.
You can catch me in the back of his home.
Madhouse Live
But they can't get it right Let the king do his thing
It's time for Madhouse Live
Big up to the man in the madhouse
Shalom
The Mailbox Number
Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up.
Thank you for calling Whole Foods Market in Campbell.
We are open 7 days a week from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m.
If you'd like to speak to a customer service team member, you can press 0 at any time.
We thank you for shopping with us.
...while I try that extension.
Thank you for calling.
Thank you for calling.
Yeah, so I was calling.
I need assistance, please.
Something I got from you guys is not working right.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm trying to get the Alexa to correctly take the orders.
I'm supposed to be able to order.
Whenever I give it the command, it just sits there.
Yeah, Alexa, unfortunately, Whole Foods has nothing to do with Alexa.
You're going to have to talk to, call, I guess the Amazon 1-800 number.
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Places like your car and your phone machine and all that jazz.
Be sure to check us out there on your TuneIn app.
Look up Madhouse Prank Call Radio.
Also, I'm live on YouTube right now.
Madhouse Radio on YouTube.
That is my channel and you can watch live.
Thank you to everyone who's watching on the YouTubes, on the YouTube computers.
There are no musics on YouTube.
For that, you have to use one of the other options.
Pissing people off
www.patreon.com
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Alaykum As-Salaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Yeah, I wanted to make an order.
Yeah, sure. What do you like?
Okay, let's see here. Do you have hummus?
Yes, we do.
Okay, one order of hummus with meat.
Oh, I don't have that with meat.
Oh, no.
Just hummus by itself.
Okay, so does it come with pita bread?
Yes, it does. It does.
Okay, all right. And one sharmuta?
Oh, the sandwich, the chicken sandwich.
No, sharmuta. Sharmuta.
Shawarma.
Sharmuta.
Yes.
Do you have?
Excuse me?
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S-H-A-R-M-U-T-A
Is it shawarma? It's not the right way.
Okay, it's shawarma.
And tell him to spell it right for you and to pronounce it right for you, okay?
But why? You know what I mean. Why are you being so angry about it? I don't understand.
Because the word is wrong, and I don't know who you are, okay?
Okay, I mean, the word is wrong. It's not my language.
I'm trying to correct you to tell you it's shawarma.
So what is sharmuta then? What is that? What does that mean? I don't understand. What's the problem?
You can ask your friend about that word, okay?
Can I ask your mother?
Hmm? Olmec?
Yeah. Ilmec, Olmecinta, Olmec.
She knows what the word means, sharmuta, yeah.
I believe it means whore.
You saying what you're saying, do you mean something else?
Hopefully the boss man gets on that.
Sets Me Straight Teaches Me A Lesson
Alright
Sharmuta
The Banchode Of Arabic
How About That Folks
All The Indian Restaurants In This Town
Close For Lunch
Here We Go Here's One That Should Be Open
Cause I Go For Those Low Hanging Fruit At The Beginning
Then I Get All Cerebral Later On
But I Gotta Boost My Ego
When I Start The Show
I Gotta Get Some Little Fish In Me
You Know What I Mean
Getting A Lot Of Normal Call Clearing
I don't know exactly what that means when that happens.
It just kind of happens here.
I don't speak Modem.
Here's another one.
Reopens at 5 Pacific.
They all do that.
Must be a thing in this town.
All the Indians close.
Like every once in a while I'll see like a Chinese restaurant or a Japanese, like a sit-down Chinese or a Japanese hibachi place.
They open for lunch and they close.
And I figure that they just prep usually for dinner.
And they have like a big family dinner and shit.
I learned that.
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T-R-S-80
7-Up
7-Up ain't no fucking Coke product, motherfucker.
Technically, neither is Dr. Pepper.
But they work hand-in-hand.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project.
Hot Dr. Pepper
Crazy twisted are those people right how sick like it's a fucking cider or something. He's fucking
LBJ from Texas
It was president. He had a soda dispenser installed in the Oval Office that gave out dr. Pepper. That's
I don't know. I don't know. I mean I would have beer maybe you know or I cook zero coke zero
Here's a Crab Place
Thank you for calling the Boiling Crab
Located at
Boiling Crab on Kerner, this is Elliot
First of all, your voicemail system there
The woman can be a lot less rude on it
Okay, I'm sorry about that
She didn't even say please one time
Okay, I'm sorry about that
What's her name?
My name is Elliot
No, the woman on the voicemail
Her name?
Yeah, who is that?
The woman when you call in
I want her written up
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Blue Crab and Dungeness Crab Machines
Madhouse Live
All right. I need to reboot them or something. I don't know.
Thank you for holding. This is Kim speaking. How can I help you?
Oh, is this Fat Kim?
Kim?
Yeah, the guy said he was going to put the big girl on that I saw there. Was that you?
Yes. How can I help you?
Yeah, so I got those crab yesterday, the blue crab.
Uh-huh.
All right, so what do I do now?
You ordered to go yesterday?
Yeah.
Okay, was there anything wrong with the crab?
Well, I mean, I don't understand how the crab machine works.
I'm trying to, like, activate it to get the meat inside. Like, what do I do?
Blue Crab
What button do I push on them or whatever?
I'm sorry. I'm not sure if you have the correct number.
This is a restaurant. We don't sell any machines here.
No. I mean, where I'm from, we call everything animals and machine.
I'm Amish, you know?
Uh-huh.
Right.
So you want to be able to open the Blue Crab?
Well, I'm trying to eat it now. Now is time to eat.
Right.
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Should I?
Yes.
Okay, so if you have a cracker, you'll be able to open the crab up with that.
Like, what do you mean a cracker?
If you don't, a cracker.
There should be a button on here that I press or something.
Okay, give me one second.
Okay.
Good afternoon, sir.
My name is Amber.
I'm actually the general manager.
Let me go ahead and call you on my office phone.
God damn it.
All right, fine.
All righty.
Let's go.
Thank you.
Hurry up.
I don't even know the call, the fucking number is working and shit.
Let's test that out.
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Well, I mean, is there a mail manager, or should I talk to you?
I'm actually a general manager.
I had an issue with my...
Oh, great.
Very nice, honey.
Okay.
Oh, here we go.
So, basically, I ordered crab yesterday.
Now, first of all, I said blue crab, and these aren't blue.
Because blue crab are, when they're cooked, they turn red.
Then why aren't they called red crab?
Because they're actually blue crab when they're out in their habitat.
Well, how does that help me if I don't, I mean, I'm not ordering habitat, you know?
Product.
Yeah, a cooked product.
Right.
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Man, there's no button on the crab.
Thank you for calling the Boiling Crab in San Jose.
Located at...
San Jose.
If you want to call in tonight, you can.
The number is 405-396-6884.
Hello.
Hello, hi, may I assist you?
I'm calling Amber back.
This is Amber.
How may I help you?
Yeah, what's going on?
Did you not know how to use the phone?
Let me go ahead and refer you to the police officer.
No, I don't need to talk to a police officer about crab, you dingbat.
I need to get help.
Thank you.
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I can't. I don't like Cinnabon. I'm not a fan.
I do not like Cinnabon. I don't like Cinnabon anything.
I don't either. You know, you should do Cinnabon. It's really good for you.
Thank you for calling Cinnabon.
Oh, you're calling.
Press 1 for location and hours of operation.
Nope.
Press 2 for hiring information.
Nope.
Press 3 to speak with a team member.
Really?
Press 4 to be connected to our...
I don't think so.
Been to a little mall in the last 30 years?
Well, I've never eaten at a Cinnabon.
Or an airport?
You never got a Cinnabon.
Yeah, hi. This is Cinnabon.
Yes, it's in the bag.
I'm going to help you.
All right.
Is this a question?
All right.
So what I do is I take the, what do I do here?
The cinnamon roll is in the bag, right?
And I twist the bag and I push on the back to make sure no air comes out of it.
And then I take the dough out of the bag and then I put flour down, right?
To make your own cinnamon, are you asking?
Well, I take flour, right?
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The only time you put flour is when you put it into the machine.
After that, you don't need any flour.
Just so it can go through the machine and not get stuck.
Okay, alright.
So then I'm going to put the dough down and I'm going to put a big thing of butter on in the middle, right?
Yes.
If it's half of it for half of the square for classics.
And if it's a mini, it's half of the square.
So it'll be like one fourth.
Okay, so I'm going to use half of it.
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We're back tracing his number, and we're going to have him arrested, and you're probably going to have to appear in court.
Well, I had nothing to do with it.
You're going to be an accessory to murder, murder and theft.
An accessory to murder and theft.
Hey, I saw this big thing that says mochilata, mochilata or something.
Are you talking?
Well, I'm asking her.
Do you know the mochilata?
Do you know what this is?
Wait, so I want to talk to the guy from corporate.
Oh, okay.
This is Steven. I'm from corporate. Yeah, you better not answer him. Don't answer any more of his questions. Stop helping him. He's a thief. A thief and a liar.
So, okay. Now, I don't know what to do because I wasn't even sure. So, do I say something to my manager?
No, no. You take off your apron and you go home.
Okay.
Are you wearing an apron?
Yeah.
Take it off right now. I'm watching on the security camera. Take it off.
Okay, bye.
No wait, hold on.
Take it off.
Take off the apron.
I'm watching.
Are you taking it off?
Yes, I'm taking it off.
Is it off?
Okay, now I need you to turn your pockets inside out.
I want to make sure you haven't been stealing.
Tell her to take off her polo shirt.
No, that's next.
Tell her to get up, you thief.
Okay.
Ma'am?
Ma'am?
Did you turn out your pockets?
What about your pockets?
Turn out your pockets.
Let's make sure you haven't stolen anything.
I don't even have pockets in the front.
Alright, take off your shirt.
Your shirt's next.
Take off the shirt.
My shirt?
There's literally customers in front.
I'm not going to take off my shirt.
We don't care.
Look, you're a thief and you don't deserve any indignity here.
Take off that shirt.
I mean, I'm not going to take off my shirt.
Like, I'm really not going to take off my shirt in front of people.
If you want, I can call my manager and I can call you guys back.
I'm not going to take off my shirt.
Like, that's really not going to happen.
Okay, well, anyway, you need to just go home.
Go home.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Go home.
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Vegas for Hotties
Car Wash
Baby Blue Car Wash
Baby Blue Car Wash
Put him in the trunk of the car
or the back of the trunk
Alright
I can't
Did you get to do any cardings this year?
A couple of your shows
I had like a couple on one show
They answered but they didn't
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True Tech Wildlife Services May I have the reason for your call tonight?
The reason for my call is a pest.
Are you an answering service?
Are you an answering service?
I am.
Yes.
They've already closed for the day.
Well, that's bullshit because this is 24-hour wildlife removal.
There you go.
Man, they don't play at those answering services.
They don't take any shit usually from it.
They usually are really, really quick and hanging up.
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Yes, I work there. I'm not going to be able to come into work this week. I'm not coming in.
Oh, so you're working with Base Corporation?
Yeah. Stupid.
What's your name?
Look in the computer. You'll see it. But look, I'm not going to be able to come into work.
Yeah, so what's your name?
I'm calling off work for the whole week. I got shit to do.
Yeah, so what's your name?
It's Roy.
Roy what?
Just look in the computer for Roy. I'm the only one in there. I'm the only one named Roy.
Well, I don't have any Roy here.
Oh, you don't know how to spell it then.
What's that?
You don't know how to spell Roy then.
Then spell it out for me.
Carlito, I don't think this is going well.
Hey, yeah, listen.
This is a dump truck operator that we have on the phone here.
Do you understand?
Don't call me a dump truck.
I understand.
Mm-hmm.
So?
So, what do you want me to do?
Well, he can't work tomorrow.
Yeah, of course, it's Saturday.
We don't have work Saturday and Sunday.
Okay.
All week, dummy.
I'm just saying starting tomorrow.
Well, how can I look up on my computer?
I don't have the full name of the employee that you're telling me.
Well, first of all, you can drop the attitude.
I'm not.
I don't have any attitude because I don't even know you.
You just said that with a major attitude.
Okay, then.
Give me your name.
I already told you my name.
Didn't you type it in the first time?
What's the last name?
R-O-Y.
Stop yelling at me.
I'm not.
What's your last name?
You just yelled at me.
You just yelled I'm not.
Do you want me to spell it for you?
Quit yelling at me.
I have.
Do you want me to just tell you?
All right.
Q?
Yeah, kindly spell out for me.
Q?
W
Q
What's that?
You should yell it at her.
Alright, we're going to start from the beginning.
Q
Okay.
W
Q
W
Okay.
E
Could you speak clearer for me?
Q
W
E
Uh-huh.
R
T
Y
Okay.
U
I
O
P
Left bracket, right bracket, forward slash.
So you're not already?
No, this is Roy Quartew
P.W.O.P. Bracket Bracket Forward Slash
Are you trying to make her MySQL database crash?
Yeah.
Do you have...
Maybe.
Little Dewey Drop Tables.
What kind of computer...
We're only anticipating our employees.
What kind of computer do you have?
Thank you so much.
What kind of computer do you have?
Okay.
Bye.
Excuse me.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
Okay, she's gone now.
Fucking lady.
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What you got there?
Yeah, we do it all.
So, are you on Guam right now?
Yeah, I'm in Guam.
I'm in the area.
You know, four years experience, certified, OSHA certified.
I'm a very safe guy.
Do you guys drug test?
Yes, I do.
All right.
That shouldn't be a problem.
Do you guys do any kind of welding tests, any kind of thing?
We do.
We do.
We do welding tests.
We do 2G tests, 3G tests, 4G, 5G, 6G.
All right.
All right.
That should be no problem.
You guys don't x-ray stuff, right?
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well no he's a great welder I mean he's great
he used to weld for the governor
it doesn't matter
you know if you can't
qualify for our guidelines
and we have a policy in place
and we do very sensitive work
so it's probably something we don't want to entertain
well I mean it's nothing to entertain
he's a good welder you need good welders
okay
I do good work come on I don't do it on the job
I mean this is good
stateside worker
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People are asking about you, and it was a damn shame you couldn't make it, man, to the meetup.
I know, I don't think you really had family drama.
I don't think you just couldn't make it.
All you had to do was tell me that, you know.
Thank you for calling the Mouthline. How can I help you?
Hi, how are you doing?
Good, how are you doing?
It's not the dead.
Oh, damn. Okay, that's all right, though. I like you. Not the dead?
Because you're calling in, as long as you're a friend. Are you a friend?
Yeah, it's Dragonmare. I've called in before.
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He left an obituary like three weeks ago. I didn't play it. I can't find it now
It was for Burt Reynolds was really well made and done. Please don't stop making obituaries
Fucking guy dragon mirror. I don't know if you've heard about me talking about stand-up, but I started writing a set
I got about I got I'm very early into it, but I'm working on perfecting a set
I've been reading a book about comedy writing also
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I see you're looking for a concrete contractor for an apartment complex.
Okay.
Excuse me, is this for sculpting or for concrete work, boring concrete?
They're calling you. You're returning a call?
Yeah, and I'm ready to accept the job.
Okay, let me find out. Do you know who called you?
I'm working on a sculpture right now, a concrete sculpture.
I'm making a sculpture of animal genitals, and I'm taking a break.
Okay. Do you know who called you?
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Dragon Mare Report
What is your favorite fish or seafood to eat?
I'll make fish.
Okay. Anyway, everyone knows it's a fish fillet.
Fish fillet. What is it? Is it a fish fillet?
Hello?
Yeah, hi. Is this fish market representative job?
fish market representative
fish market representative
oh we dont have any openings
they are closed already
thank you
mam
everybody hello mam
sir guy
hello mam sir
confusion
okay that lady came back
DragonMirror.com
Siamese Fighting Fish
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Pallandrome machine before 830
Palindrome's the owner and chief moderator of the hijinks discord that's hijinks.fun slash chat
I bet you thought I wouldn't know how to say it that I didn't remember still hijinks.fun forward
slash chat dash pranks forward slash madhouse and use offer code madhouse420 for 10% off
Your membership to the Hijinx paid discord channel.
He says hotbox lobsters weed dosing lobsters.
Okay.
Thank you for completely not making sense.
You got it.
Oh, you got it, man.
I think he's just saying that I should be hotboxing or is that what happened?
Okay.
All right.
I will call.
I don't see a number.
Here's a number.
I got it.
All right.
Here we go, guys.
Get hype.
Get excited for lobsters.
Legendary lobsters here on the mouth.
I think I put two ones in the number. Yes, I did.
Fucking stupid.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
This is Randy. How may I help you?
Hey, Big Randy. How you doing?
What's going on, boss?
Good, man. I wanted to see about them lobsters.
What's going on, brother? What do you want to know?
Hot box lobster.
Yeah, yeah. What about it? Is this the whole thing?
Yeah.
I mean, if you want some more information on it, man, my boss, you can definitely contact through email.
I can take your number down. I can give her your name.
What do you do? What do you do exactly? How?
She sedates the lobsters to make them more humane.
She sedates them before? Okay. Before they get boiled?
Hi, this is Charlotte. How can I help you?
Alright, can you explain to me again? You hotbox the lobsters before you sedate them, is it?
Well, first of all, I'm sorry. I don't know who this is. You've just called my restaurant.
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I took a break and I broke it on the back of her head against the back of her head like it yeah that it turned into powder hey but flash you know this has been this has been a great chat but we've got some actually serious things we're having here so I'm gonna let you go okay princess snowflake okay okay snowflake honey labia thank you bye honey labia shut the fuck up god damn it I bet you she has fucking armpit hair god damn
Shut up lady
Let's try to call the dead bag
That lady fucking pissed me off
She went shut up
Ed you know if you're gonna call why don't you pick up now man
Stupid
Well 405-396-6884 if you want to call this
Stupid fucking show in the middle of the night
Get back to some more pranks
Palindrome there you go
I also had numbers from another gentleman
I believe it was in Facebook machine
Tube sucks as retard they won't answer
He's not retard
Some of his decisions maybe but not him
He's a smart
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I'm in the Walmarts you're in the Walmart Walmart yeah dude um okay what time does husband
come home um he will probably come about an hour or so oh good that gives me an hour to come over
and seduce you get it in possibly possibly yeah we can we can we can you know we can get on the
boat right we're just gonna have to decide you're gonna have to uh we're gonna have to determine
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I'm fucking.
Well, I'm fucking.
I do that.
Everybody has their own thing.
I can't.
Listen, I can't.
I'm not judging you.
So, it's you.
It started out, I used to shoot my gun in the air when I was fucking
because I get really into it.
Damn, I'm telling this lady I just got to fuck her.
That's kind of fucked up.
Sorry, guys.
Mama, where are you?
Doggie.
Doggie.
Where's that boy?
He's being quiet.
I'm talking about this dog when he gets quiet.
He might be masturbating.
Wait a second.
He's good.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee
Let's do it. Here's a Greek restaurant. Oh, yeah. I love Greece. I love restaurants. I love pigs. I love beer. Kavanaugh.
Hello, and thank you for calling the Purple Pig. Speak with a team member or for general information, press zero.
Zero. Of course. Zero. Of course. Yeah.
Thank you for choosing the Purple Pig. This is Peter speaking. How can I assist you?
Yes, hi. I'd like to make an order.
We don't take orders after 5 p.m.
Malacca?
We do not take orders after 5 p.m.
I don't need to talk to an effeminate man. Put a real man on the phone.
You're a fucking asshole.
That's fucking...
See if we can get a real person on the phone here. A real nice person.
Thank you for calling the Purple Pig.
Thank you for calling the Purple Pig. This is Lissette. How may I assist you?
Yeah, who was that effeminate man who just picked up and yelled at me and hung up the phone?
No one. I've been up here the whole time now. I don't think anyone answered the phone and hung up on you.
A-List
I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm not sure. I've been up here this entire time.
Can you take my order, please?
Oh, so we don't take any orders during dinner service. It's only lunch.
Listen, I'm a friend of the owner. My name is Gus. We go to the same church.
Okay.
Is he there? Tell him Gus is calling. Hurry up and get the order. He said to call in.
I'm sorry. You spoke with him on the phone previously?
Yeah, I was so lucky.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Vanessa, listen, I was told, my name is Gus, okay?
Jimmy said I could call and place an order. What's going on?
If you do any to-go orders, it would have to be all through a catering order.
Did you rearrange something ahead of time?
I am friends with Jimmy. We go to the St. Creek Church.
Okay, does he know you wanted to place an order this evening?
He said to call in and talk, and I got, who's the homosexual man that answered the phone earlier?
That is one of our hosts here.
Yeah, well, he was really rude. He told me to put it up my ASS, he said.
Oh, okay, I'm sorry to talk to you like that, but let me shut down the meeting
Let me try to track him down, but typically we don't do anything to go get that please, you know
I'm actually I'm a lot, but we do not have it on the menu tonight. It's not a special
So unless he made something downstairs, I have to track him down just to confirm. Are you gonna?
Okay, let me check them down. I'll give you a call
Thank you, they'll be getting like a lot of corrupted mp3s on this machine the good synthwave mixer
They're playing shit on the jazz station right now. Hang on. I have another backup here
Night Dread
Synthwave
Odysseus
Synthwave
Synthwave
Everyone 405-396-6884 if you want to join the show 405-396-6884 of course madhouse live.com is my website where you can check out all the subscription options for Madhouse I hope I didn't play this one already I don't think of it anyway all the subscription options for Madhouse are there and all the consumption options also so yes as I was saying that we have an obituary here from obituary man confirmed hell I could even play some voicemail right now we usually do that later in the show but let's let's be different let's see what I got
I haven't even really looked the last couple days. They are loading now great radio
I know I'm just looking forward to hopefully getting a call back from that lady. Maybe the owner call back
All right, I think this is obituary bitch this one it goes out to Matt fucking hella Bill Thompson was born on July 8th
1913 and Tara how Indiana as William H Thompson
Peter Pan Sleeping Beauty Alice in Wonderland Mary Margaret McBride July 15, 1971 Los Angeles,
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
MadhouseLive.com
What the fuck?
It's like a reverse the dead.
Oh.
Oh, the dead.
There he is, the dead.
There he is.
That was like if the dead fucked Jack Masterson.
That was the dead Jack, the dead Masterson.
I don't know.
The Masterson.
Come up with something, you guys.
An amalgamation, amalgamation of that.
Okay.
Here is the Daylight Beach Club, which will be closing in a little bit here.
Let's call them now before we take a break.
Daylight Beach Club.
Daylight Beach Club
Please leave us a detailed message
and we will be sure to return your phone call.
Okay. Well, that didn't work.
Alright. I gotta fix the music real quick
because I skipped it.
There we go. Okay. So that was a bust.
We got a Titanic expedition.
Really? Like a real Titanic expedition?
Oh, man. I can't be right.
I don't know if it's like one of those...
They can't be right.
It's gotta be one of those stupid
traveling Titanic shows.
Thank you for calling Luxor Show Reservations.
My name is Peggy. How may I assist you this evening?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project llc
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
And I have some questions. You see this man, he needs to carry a baseball bat in order to be comfortable and happy with himself. And I just need to know that you're going to be okay, because I'm going to fiercely protect him if you're going to try and prevent him from doing what he needs to do.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that security is not going to allow that to happen.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Closed Captions by GetTranscribed.com
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Do you know what the first three letters are in Titanic?
Yeah.
It's ARF. A-R-F.
Tit. Tit!
Tit is what it is. Not sure if you caught that.
I don't know if you know what tits are.
Are you there, dog?
Yes. ARF. ARF.
I'm looking for my service dog.
You're like, yeah, ARF.
Sorry, man.
That's all right. Feels good.
Here's a Dick's Last Resort place.
I've been to one of those.
Have you?
I've been to one of those, yeah.
A long time ago.
I've refused I've never been to a dick slash resort I've never been to a senior is a senior
senior car okay there's a few there's a senior frogs is it not the one that shows up a lot like
in like little tours I've heard of that I've never been there though before though
they put a little straw they put a little straw inside of your regular straw so when you take a
drink the shit the little one comes up and hits you in the back of the throat wow why would they
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'll give you a coffee enema.
A what?
A coffee enema.
What is that?
Alright, you take a hose.
I take a hose?
You take a hose.
You put a coffee at the end of the hose.
Uh-huh.
You put the hose up your big fat ass.
Your fat white ass.
Ew!
Ew!
Oh, God.
Ew!
Ew!
At least she's never heard the word enema before.
Yeah, right.
What's that?
She rocked one into it.
Alright, I gotta take a break.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Oh a quick asian restaurant or two
Fuckin' dissent
Calling in and then not answering
Good evening, Amrit India Santana Roor?
Yes, calling to make an order
Okay
Okay
What's the order?
Yes, the first thing I would like is an order of papadums if you have it
Yep, we do have them
Can I get them out your ass?
How many of papadums?
Two
Two, okay
Okay, one order of naan
Will that be plain or
garlic garlic garlic get them out your ass I'm sorry one garlic naan okay okay okay uh do you
have butter chicken yep one butter chicken out of your ass okay all right one bhenchod I'm sorry
one bhenchod that oh my god who am I talking to oh come on you know who it is although yeah hey
Hey, how are you?
Oh my god, I'm good. How are you?
I was actually, you wouldn't believe, I was, I wanted to get your number.
I was checking with Karim and Chef Shiv if they have your number, but I couldn't get it.
Good that you called. How are you?
I thought, who's this stupid customer? I was actually about to hang up.
Yeah, yeah, I was, I was just here, you know, I was kind of lonely and I was thinking about you.
I was masturbating.
Oh, wow. That's amazing to hear.
Madhouse Radio
Yeah, why do I keep advancing the shits tonight?
God damn it. No, no, no. We're having fun with that lady.
Let's call her back. Hang on. We're getting into this.
We're getting into this now. I'm down.
Jesus Christ.
She cracked up at it.
See, I don't want to call Tandori.
Tandori, let's see what the Tandoris do.
God, we trust.
This song goes out to Big Dwight McClanahan, who's recuperating from his kidney stone procedure.
Congratulations.
We're passing that.
A little more iced tea for you.
Hello?
This is Sendery Oven.
Yeah, I need to make an order.
Are you Indian?
No.
All right.
I need to talk to the Indian guy.
Like, do you speak Hindi?
Benchod
Punjab
Hindi
Can you tell him Benchod is on the line please?
Hello?
Talk to him
You speak Hindi?
How are you?
Hello?
Hey Benchod
Yes?
Hey how are you?
Benchod
No
He's the cook speaking
Yeah Terabandi chot
Hello?
Yes I'm here
Yeah
How are you?
Kofta
Terabandi
Yes hello
He was talking to you
Yeah yeah he said to go ahead and give you the order
One benchod
One benchod?
Benchod
We don't have that here bro
Ask him whatever it is in here
Can you ask him real quick?
He'll know what I'm talking about
Just ask him if he can make it
I'll hold
He's gonna order
Benchod
He just keeps giving me back the phone
Cause he's too busy
Oh okay
Alright well he's a fucking ignorant stupid
You know that?
He's the son of an owl
And he was born in the streets
Yeah
He was born in the streets
Like this guy here
Busta Rhymes
Born in the streets
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project.
Oh, fuck it.
We'll take that break, I guess.
Alright, folks.
I'll be back in about
7 to
52 minutes. I'll be back soon
with more Prank Calls.
Bye.
You're listening to
Madhouse Live
on the largest Prank Call
station in the nation.
Prank Call Nation.
Madhouse Radio will be back
I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.
So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.
Madhouse Radio is back.
You are bigger than a woman.
You are better than a woman.
We'll always be behind you.
Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.
Hey, Al, you ready?
Let's do it.
Madhouse Live
Call in you can 405-396-6884
405-396-6884
Shout out to Big Suge Knight
28 years in prison today
Let's hear it for everyone who emulates Suge Knight
I'm a gangsta rapper yo yo yo oh boy that sure worked out for Suge Knight dumbass speaking of which whatever happened to the locks huh LOX seriously guys 405-396-684 call that number lose it or use it do you use it or lose it I need to call back that
I'm pretty sure that was that.
No, I don't think it was.
But let's call back because I should have had answers by now.
God damn it.
No, no.
Stop it.
Stop it with that song.
Yeah, I need to speak to Amber.
I'm sorry?
Amber, Amber.
There's no one by the name of Amber here.
Who's the manager I talked to earlier?
This is the effeminate man who was really rude to me.
I'm sorry?
I was talking to a manager earlier.
This is the effeminate man.
I'm a friend of Jimmy's.
He told me to call in an order.
Okay, and who is this specifically that you had talked to?
My name is Gus.
I talked to the girl.
Some girl answered there.
She was going to track down.
She was going to find Jimmy and get to the bottom of this.
And I complained about you, sir.
Actually, we haven't spoke just yet.
Well, you were rude.
There was an effeminate man there who was very rude.
And you said you spoke with Jimmy.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Please please don't call back the number again if you can if you can if you can read them you fuck you couldn't
Leave you can reach them personally and then I'd be happy to work. I'm coming down. You tell him Gus is coming down Gus Pizzos
All right, motherfucker
Put them on the phone motherfucker
We ain't going nowhere
We gonna stay right here
This song goes out to Suge Knight. He really cannot. So happy to hear that news today from Suge. 28 fucking years.
Sassica
Sassica Gus Ray
Gus Carpusa
Yanni
Give me a second
Fucking phone is a piece of shit
I'm sorry?
Your phone is a piece of shit
It is, I can't sit there and listen to that
He was getting a little angry but his phone is a piece of shit
Fucking shit
I'll call him back
Yeah while you hang up the phone, fuck you
Call Nation Madhouse Live
What's the problem with you?
I'm saying what it is.
I heard some cursive back there.
All right.
Back to that list of numbers, and we'll get back to some more park mans.
A soul food restaurant in Chicago.
In Chicago.
We have a caller.
Caller, go ahead, please.
Be a friend.
Be nice, or I'll cut you off.
Oh, man, I got these three towels and water, man.
The door is unlocked.
Oh, what's up?
Waste of memory?
I think this might be a waste of memory.
What's going on?
What's up?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
That chair was by the elevators.
That chair that was in the room.
We brought furniture in there and doing it nice.
Wasn't it a very uncomfortable chair that you ended up falling asleep on?
It worked.
Yeah.
I was fucking stay up.
Whatever works, man.
I don't know who I'm calling.
Morrison Soul Food.
Yeah.
I don't think you can get soul food this late in Chicago.
I made it so that you didn't go to.
I just ran out in the middle of the street.
I was too drunk.
I didn't care.
I was too drunk.
Hey, motherfuckers.
I was too drunk. I was, I said, good, almost, maybe 12 minutes, 12 drunk minutes. It was probably just three, but I was like, oh, it cycled at least twice. I was like, I could do this. No, I can't. I can't.
I didn't even go by the corner. I just like ran across the middle of the street. I was vaping my weed pen. That was great.
Like I could run. I really should have. I even, I was so drunk, I was considering getting Uber Eats to deliver across the street.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'm
a
I'm
a
a
a
a
a
a
you
need
some
water
or
like
and
I
started
laughing
cause
the
whole
you
know
I
was
sort
of
thinking
about
Gia
had
to
water
oh
my
god
oh
that
was
funny
and
he
even
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Chicken kebab
Do you have a Greek salad with the cucumber?
Yes, we have each other
Okay, one of those
Okay, and then one malacca
Who is this?
Gus
Who is Gus?
I am Gus
My name is Gus
Who is this, Nico?
Nico
Yeah, where is Nico?
Who is Nico, my friend?
Nico
Who is Nico?
This guy, Nick
Nico
You know what I'm talking about?
The server?
Yeah
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I forgot it was a one-way street to be around
and I thought, oh, there's a bunch of cars coming
I changed direction pretty quick
The first thing I did when I woke up that day was immediately crack a beer with Matt.
We just started drinking immediately in the morning in the hotel room.
I'm fucking half in the bag.
I'm like, all right, I'm going to drive back.
The first thing you do when you get out of the garage is go the wrong way down a one-way street.
Out of the way, motherfucker, you!
I've been good for that once.
I mean, I was like 19, I think.
I did that in Daytona Beach.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Netflix Espanol
This call may be recorded or monitored.
This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.
Thank you for calling OITico. How may I help you?
Yeah, hi. I understand this is like a Spanish Netflix kind of?
Be happy to have an investor's relations representative to answer all of your questions.
Just a few questions to ask you. May I have your first and last name?
Yes. First name is Jose, J-O-S-E. Last name is Aculo, A-C-U-L-O.
Thank you. I have Jose, J-O-S-E. Last name A-C-U-L-O. Is that correct?
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Will the person have big sexual organs?
Sir, I will need to end the call if you cannot remain professional.
Okay, just listen.
I've been drinking, all right, and I'm an investor.
How about I put my friend, my pharmacist, Dr. Cody, on the line?
Maybe he can help out because I'm just really...
I don't know, Dr. Cody, do you want to talk to her or you don't want to talk to her?
Oh, absolutely.
Anything I can do to help you.
Yeah, please help out.
Talk to my pharmacist.
He's not really a pharmacist.
He has a medical license, but he just writes me a script for anything.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'm not keeping track. May I have the best telephone number for you, or would you like to call back later?
Do you do pee-pee kiss? That's one input. Obviously, you do vaginal stimulation, so that's two.
All right. I'm going to end the call. Thank you.
Booty? Do you do booty stuff? Okay, all right. That was retarded.
I'm surprised I kept her on so long, though. Whatever.
Yeah. Sorry, I was, like, I was getting a beer, and I'm, like, I was hitting at my little pen thing.
I am a fucking space cadet right now.
Nice.
I should be having a little sill with the smoking today, uh, tonight rather, and I want to apologize because I kind of just threw you into the bus there. That's why I asked, did you want to do it, you know? Um, here's, yeah, here's a place called Vegas for hotties. I don't know exactly what that is. What's funny? Vegas for hotties. Yeah.
Thank you for calling Vegas for hotties.com. If we are unable to receive your call, please leave a name, number, and a brief message. We'll return your call as soon as possible.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I don't know. We got to try to... Dwight's saying the same thing, too. I could try. I could try.
All right, buddy. I'm going to let you go. I'm going to clear the line. Thank you for joining.
All right, man.
See you again.
All right. See you.
Towels and water, man. Everybody, towels and water. Towels and water.
He's this guy.
Towels and water.
And hallway chairs.
Chairs and water.
See you, buddy.
Got to get in that chair with the water.
Later, man.
If you went to the McDonald's, when did he get me anything?
I'm Officer Scott Savitt, and this is CopCam, a wireless security camera smaller than one square inch,
so you can hide it anywhere to record anything, anytime motion is detected.
Cop Cam shoots an incredible high definition and includes a powerful microphone to record
perfect audio they just fell asleep i'm on my way and with a high i get it all right let's call
them it's another one of those you know all right hey you can buy it for $19.99 but if you call now
you can get two for the price of one they always sell you two for the price of one you don't have
to call now you just order it's always two for the they always try to get you to buy two get you
that way don't ever buy these scn on tv things in the store i learned that the hard way because
YOU'RE BETTER OFF GETTING IT ONLINE
YOU DON'T PAY THE SHIPPING AND HANDLING BUT YOU PAY SALES TAX THOUGH
IT'S USUALLY USED FOR EXAMPLE THIS YEAR IT'S $9.99 SHIPPING AND HANDLING
OKAY THAT'S LIKE A 50%
HALF OF THE PRICE
THAT'S BULLSHIT
SELLING IT FOR $19.99 PLUS $9.99 SHIPPING AND HANDLING
$28
SHIPPING AND HANDLING IS WHAT LET'S SAY MAYBE $5
MAYBE HALF OF THAT
SO THEY'RE PADDING IT THERE A LITTLE BIT
but they sell you two oh shit but they give you they give you they have a free all right so
they give you two of them plus two 8 gig memory cards okay and a free swivel clip whoa i got so
many of those damn memory cards hanging out here anyway i just tried to dial a uh website wow back
to the list anyway problem with this music it's it's cool and all and i'm having a good time i'm
4 0 5 3 9 6 6 8 8 4
Thank you for calling to order cop cam
Available today for two easy payments
Of just $19.99 each
Plus $9.99 shipping and handling
Added to your first payment
The atomic beam
That atomic beam looks dope
So, that big, super bright flashlight.
Thank you for calling, Belvedere. My name is Marshall.
Are you calling for the retail purchase, or did you place the order over the phone or website?
I got the shit already.
I'm sorry?
I got the shit already.
I'm sorry, I didn't get you.
I got the shit already. I already have the shit.
This is a professional call. Use professional language.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were... Are you in North America, or are you somewhere else?
Our warehouse is in New Jersey, California, and customer service is in Southeast Asia.
I thought you guys wouldn't care.
I'm sorry?
I thought you guys wouldn't care about the line.
I mean, a place where a lot of people defecate in the street.
I didn't think you'd have a problem with that.
I'm sorry.
No, no, it's fine.
I understand.
But it's a professional call, so I have to follow the protocol, you know?
Yeah, you know.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah, do you know how penises work?
If your question is related to the product, I will definitely answer your question.
It's related to the atomic beam.
Yes, or else I'll have to disconnect this call.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'm not getting you.
What are the options for the atomic wave?
The atomic light?
I'm sorry.
You're sorry what?
I didn't get your question.
Could you please repeat your question?
Can you make it?
I want to make it flash fast.
On off off on off on off on off on.
You know?
Use the switch.
There is a switch on the flashlight.
Habibi which one?
What does it say?
The switch.
Which one does it say?
Because I look there's many switch on it.
Okay.
I hit the button.
There is only one.
I wanted to go off on off on off on off on off on off you know but there is only one switch because okay what what's the best mode to put the switch in to attract the your mother to come to make kissing on your mother on your mother's body all right so I'll have to disconnect this call now I have to thank you for calling but I'm gonna have to fuck your mother all right if you do that all right on off on off on off on off maybe that'll be the title of the show anyone got any ideas
The Greatest Show in the History of the Internet
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Your phone number, please.
I mean, it could have been on several phone numbers, you know?
405-396-6884.
I mean, should I just put it up my ass or should I swallow it?
I would appreciate if you use professional language on the call.
This product is not mean for this purpose.
Otherwise, I need to disconnect the call from my end.
No, no, no. Please help me, sir. Please.
This product is not mean to be swollen.
I didn't steal it. I just paid for it.
Swollen? Okay.
So I shouldn't eat it, you're saying.
I should not put it down my mouth.
Correct.
So I should put it up the other way.
I won't say the word, but I should put it up there?
Okay, but that's not what they told me when I ordered it.
There was a man, Sanjay, he told me to put it up my ass, he said.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Can I just hold it at the end of my rectum and just take a picture?
Is there anything else I can do from my end?
Otherwise, I will disconnect the call from my end.
How long after I eat the Cobb Cam until I shit in the toilet?
How long will it take to go through?
Thank you for calling.
We do value business with us.
Bye-bye.
Take care.
Banchod.
Southeast Asia, that's like Vietnam and shit, right?
Thailand, South Vietnam, Saipan, Viet Nam, Phnom Penh, all those places.
Madhouse Live
and the Far East is China
I guess
I don't know
Southeast
maybe Southeast Asia
did he just say Southeast?
I don't know
one of our Indian fans
I don't think we have any Indian fans
I'm so offended by this show
10pm we usually end the show
now I'm going to go for another 10 minutes or so
this caught up
tonight
a day for 2 each payment of just $19.99 each
plus $9.99 shipping and handling
added to your first payment
No, no, no, I hit the wrong button.
Alright, I can't. It takes a little to get through this.
They're fun. Those are fun guys.
I might do some of those for the new show.
Because I can edit it all out, you know.
I'm kind of out of numbers.
This is usually the time I end.
I know I started the show a little late.
But I think just for everyone's sake, I'm just going to call it now.
No one's calling in really.
And that's okay. That's okay.
I'll do one more Indian restaurant here.
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
All right, so real quick, everyone, I want to thank everyone who's tuned in, everyone who sent in numbers, Brendan, Parkman, who else?
I don't know who else.
Other people sent in numbers, possibly, potentially.
So thanks to you all who did that.
Didn't get any from Ethan that I know of.
He sent some last week, and I didn't do his show.
Anyway, so this show will be updated by Monday, hopefully.
It should be on the podcast, nice and edited and nice and clean.
If you missed most or part of it, you can check it out.
If you're a Patreon subscriber, $1 minimum gives you Militia access, which gets you access to the Dropbox feed, a Dropbox folder where this show will be uploaded here in just a few minutes.
Patreon.com forward slash Madhouse.
Also, if you increase that donation to $5 a month, you become a horse member.
You get access to our nascent Discord channel.
Madhouse Live
Highjinks.fun
Y'all have a good weekend.
I'll probably make an appearance on Dwight's show Saturday.
Yeah.
Oh, you know what?
I got Monday off of work.
It's Columbus Machine Day.
I'll see if I can do a show Monday.
Maybe we'll do an extra show Monday.
Yeah.
No promises, but look out for that.
Possible daytime Monday show.
Columbus Day is great because no one fucking really closes for that much.
Maybe I can do some job calls.
Yeah.
Parkman, you're on notice.
Monday Show
alright anyway guys
I'll see you
bye
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