Toilet Offline – 2/6/19 Show
6 Feb 2019 · 1 h 1 min · 3,837 words · source
Calls (9, 41 min of 1 h 1 min)
- Chuck E. Cheese's complaint about sex sign live 18.6 min clip ↓
- Chuck E. Cheese's manager prank live 2.3 min clip ↓
- Stupid Ignorant prank call live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Skyline Dental dental malpractice claim live 3.3 min clip ↓
- Caller asks for toilet at Bed Bath Beyond live 7.8 min clip ↓
- Voicemail after masturbation call voicemail 1.1 min clip ↓
- Karate instructor asked to be kicked in front of kids live 3.1 min clip ↓
- Customer service transfer hold ivr 1.3 min clip ↓
- Man wants to beat up karate instructor and slap woman live 2.6 min clip ↓
Transcript
to urinate select number one to defecate select number two for a little of both select number three
to vomit just begin vomiting now you have nothing else to do right now do you i'm masturbating this
is time for me to masturbate now okay i'll leave you to it this is masturbation time
i'm in the streets listening to madhouse live i hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth
Madhouse Live
What the f-
Drunk, pervert motherfucker!
You heard about what's going on in there?
Heard a lot of bullshit talk, I know that much.
This isn't bullshit, my friend.
Do you know something?
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
The Bigger The Larger
Vegas Marriott, how can I help you?
Hi, hi, hello?
Hello, this is Vegas Marriott, how can I help you?
Yeah, you need to help me.
I'm in the toilet right now.
Sure, I can help you.
What do I do?
I don't think she understood.
And a top floor grand ballroom
with pre-functional space
that offers sweeping views of Las Vegas
when you book your stay
Why does she go like that?
Fucking stupid.
Fix my phone.
Call.
Thank you for calling.
I'm Sigipson.
How can I help you?
I smell tuna.
Okay.
I'll help you.
Hello, stupid.
Hello.
Sounds like she's opening a McDonald's wrapper.
Hello, stupid.
Fuck this place.
Vegas, Nevada.
Appropriate representative.
Closely to the following option.
To reserve one to nine guest rooms, press one for reservation.
To ensure each guest...
You are being transferred to The Operator.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Toilet Offline
Toilet Offline
Error, no connection to plumbing network.
It says no connection to plumbing network. How do I make it go?
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you not to call back, please.
Hi, I am John, your smart toilet assistant. Please call the front desk for help.
Come on, this could happen, having a lux-enabled toilet.
Choosing residence in Houston...
Flush error number 271. Toilet offline. Toilet offline.
Toilet Offline
Am I talking to a person?
Yeah, of course you are.
Alright, well I'm in the room, I'm in the toilet and it doesn't work.
Okay, what room are you in?
Toilet Offline
It's like a talking smart toilet. It wants a-
Enter toilet code.
What's my toilet code? What do I put in?
To urinate, select number 1. To defecate, select number 2. For a little of both, select number 3. To vomit, just begin vomiting now.
Yeah, this toilet, it's like a smart toilet, I guess.
Yeah, I'm in the courtyard, Marriott.
I don't know, the two, I don't know.
I'm inside the toilet now, I'm supposed to know what room I'm in.
Are you in the lobby?
No, in the room.
Alright, what's your last name?
What's your last name, sir?
Cross
I mean, it's nice to have a smart toilet and everything, but I don't know how to make, how it works.
I don't, are you looking for the corner in Henderson, Nevada, in Henderson, Green Valley?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It says, there's a...
What is your last name one more time?
The screen says Toilet Offline.
Watch, if I hit, if I try to tap it.
Toilet Offline.
Enter toilet code.
We don't have any smart toilets at our property, sir.
WREKING IT LOUD
You didn't put the toilet code in the system.
Enter Toilet Code.
What does that mean?
Enter toilet code.
We don't have smart toilets at our property...
Are you positive you're calling the right hotel?
Enter toilet code.
How do I make it stop?
Enter toilet code.
Enter toilet code.
Enter toilet code.
Enter toilet code.
We don't have any of those kind of toilets at our property so-
Why would you put a code on the toilet?
Why would I have to put a code to use a toilet?
That's the thing is we don't have any of those toilets at our hotel, our property.
So I don't think you're at our property.
I think you're looking for a different hotel.
Toilet offline.
Are you sure you're in Henderson, Nevada?
Henderson, Green Valley?
Yes.
Are you looking for D-Mart?
Yes, I keep telling you that, but you're starting to make me angry.
What's happening?
You're starting to make me angry is what's happening.
Because I need to take a...
I'm trying to find what room you're in.
I need to make a toilet.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
All right, I think you're looking for town place suites, sir.
Town place suites on...
Enter toilet code.
...has those toilets, but we don't.
Enter toilet code.
They have smart toilets?
Yeah, we don't at our hotel, so I understand.
I just don't think we can help you because we're not the right hotel.
Do you have any suggestions?
I can transfer you over to them if you want to try with them, but I wish I could help you.
I just don't think I can because I can't find you in our system.
Okay, calm down.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Hey Josh, I was transferred by the guy at the courtyard, the guy at the courtyard by Marriott said you could help me.
Well, I'm in the toilet, I'm in the bathroom, what do I do?
In the room that my uncle's staying at, you know?
Yeah, in the bathroom.
Okay, you're at the Town Place Suites hotel?
Say what?
You're at Town Place Suites?
I'm in my bathroom at the Town Place Suites. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, which room? I don't know. Bathroom. Um, what's your last name? Oh, the room's not in my name. I don't know if you understand that. Okay, what is that that you need help with? I'm in the bathroom. I'm trying to use the toilet. I don't know what to do. You're trying to use the toilet? I don't know how to use it. What do you mean? What's wrong with it? Well, when I try to use it.
Toilet Offline
Smart Toilet Assistant
Call the front desk for help
To urinate select number 1, to defecate select number 2, for a little of both select number 3, to vomit just begin vomiting now
Flush Error 271
Call 19-8-8-9-Paradise Rope
Across the street from the Las Vegas Connexion Center
For reservations, availability, and rates, please press 1
For our sales office, please press 6
For all other employees, please press 0
And the next available agent will be happy
You are being transferred to The Operator
Good evening, thank you for calling Spring Hill Suites Las Vegas Convention Center
This is Brent, I may assist you
Hey Stupid Ignorant
Sorry?
Is this Stupid Ignorant?
Is who here?
Stupid Ignorant
Yep
Hey Brent
I'm in the bathroom and I don't understand what's going on. How does this work?
What's that?
I'm in the bathroom and I'm trying to use the toilet and I don't know what to do.
Oh, that sounds like one.
Well, it's asking for a code.
Enter toilet code.
I've never seen a toilet that talks, like a talking toilet.
Yeah, that's very interesting.
Enter toilet code. Toilet offline.
It says toilet offline error.
Enter toilet code
Where is that at?
In my toilet room
In your what?
In the toilet room
Oh
Enter toilet code
Enter toilet code
You're not helping me, fucker
Have a magical day at Chuck E. Cheese's
Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese's Reservation and Information Center
Make a magic at Chuck E. Cheese's
My name is Kira, how may I direct your call?
What's your name, Kira?
Kira
Kira
May I say that one more time?
You said your name was Kira?
Kira
Oh, hi
Hi, I smell tuna.
Hi.
I smell tuna.
Make that one more time.
I smell tuna.
How may I direct your call?
I have a complaint.
I was there with my child, and there was a man holding a letter, like a sign that said sex, S-E-X, on it.
And he came up to my daughter, and he said, hey, this word is something that feels really good to do, he was saying.
Okay, well, I'm going to give you to my manager then, okay?
Okay.
Go to the gym, everything.
I don't understand the game here.
Can you give us a quick...
We're making magic here at Chuck E. Cheese.
Let me figure out how can I help you.
You're making what?
Hi, how can I help you?
What are you making there?
Ignorant.
We're making magic here at Chuck E. Cheese.
Let me figure out how can I help you.
Hey, ignorant, why'd you hang up the phone?
Hey, ignorant manager, stupid ignorant, why'd you hang up the phone?
Yo, dog, listen.
Yo, dog, listen.
Yo, dog, listen.
People don't like being called stupid ignorant.
We're making magic at Chuck E. Cheese.
This is 377 speaking.
How can I help you?
Hey, stupid ignorant.
Go fuck yourself
Make a magic attack on Jesus
Did you make it there?
Yay Dwight thank you for ruining it
I wish Dwight was offline
Let's see where was he the fucking Dwight
Fucking ass
I forgot how to do a show
I ruined the prank
Hey jerk
Yeah I ruined the prank
Hey ignorant
Ignorant
How you doing there?
I'm pretty good how you doing motherfucker?
I don't give a fuck motherfucker
Make a magic attack on Jesus Laundry how may I help you?
Hey boy how you doing you ignorant?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
The White's Only Room
The Tick Room
My Girl
I'm a cool guy
I can't believe Nashville
offered to pay your $1000
flight out to California, it's crazy
That's crazy because I can't go, sorry
But he can still send you
the $1000, right?
Yeah, totally, I'll put it to you
Alright, next call
I bet it's a stupid ignorant that picks up
Hey Stupid Ignorant
Hey Stupid Ignorant
I'm the
Hi
My name is Meat
My name is Meat
I'm Meat
Meat
M-E-A-T
Okay
Why are you so stupid ignorant?
Why are you so stupid ignorant?
Shut up
You know
I'm sorry I'm such a failure
Yeah
Why don't you shut up?
Tee hee hee
Racing?
Tee hee hee
So funny
How old are you?
Do you have pubic hair on your private parts?
Hello? Okay
You're annoying me, bye
That's what you get for asking dumb questions
She likes being talked to like a dirty girl
I guess so
Why did I start a show? I'm stupid
Yeah, more show, yeah
Now I don't want to do it
That girl's a freak in the sheets, she likes being talked to dirty
Like that
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman
Matt Baz Milkman
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Next fucking morning, like, everyone's like, why aren't you getting drunk with us?
I was like, uh, I thought you guys were cool.
Skyline Dental, may I help you?
Skyline Dental?
Yeah.
I went to the dental place, and the doctor says sit down, and I sat down, and then he punched me in the face, he punched me in the teeth.
And then I woke up, and my pants were unbuttoned.
And your what?
My pants were unbuttoned when I woke up.
When he gave me the gas and I got my dental work and my pants were unbuttoned.
Your pants were unbuttoned?
My pants were unbuttoned when I was done at the dental care.
And what is your name, please?
Julio.
Julio, what is your last name?
A-C-U-L-O
A-C-U
Uh-huh.
What time was your appointment?
3 p.m.
Huh?
3 p.m.
3 p.m.?
Okay, no worry.
We have a camera on every single hour.
So, we will reveal the camera.
Okay.
Everything we do right there, always have a light person witness, and we also have the camera system on.
Is that, well, are you making a pornography with me in it?
No, I'm just informing you.
So we will go over what's going on, and then we will follow up with you.
I woke up, I wake up, he punched me in the teeth.
He punched me in the teeth.
Doctor punched me in the teeth.
Okay.
And then I wake up and my pants unbuttoned.
Okay.
So I told you already we will go over the camera and find out what's going on
Okay, stupid. Thank you. Okay. Okay. Bye
Yes
Are you dentist dental malpractice? Yes, I went to dentist
I I went for decay they did awful thing you rip my teeth at my gum
I cannot talk I cannot eat curse me and
Hit me while I'm sleeping and then he put me under sedation. I wake up my pants on button
My teeth gum is bleep dripping blood. I cannot even blow bubbles when I chew gum when I drive cab
That's me threw me out
Mr. Rocco on
Bronx Mr. Rocco Louie Rocco easier. Yes, I go there for cab
WHO IS THIS
ALI KAMAL
Check City on Lake Mead and Torrey Pines
Stacey Stackey
Call Nation Madhouse Live
We'll look at your ID.
We'll look at the maker of the check.
See if it's good.
What's that mean?
There's lots of things that it could depend on.
How did you say it?
Sing it again.
Sing it.
Okay, sir.
Can you sing it again?
No, I want to hear you sing again.
Shut up shut up I said shut up you ignorant stupid ignorant you know what a labia is
yeah close your legs it smells bad smells like tuna fucking don't don't speak your phone me
they really don't like being called stupid ignorant tonight no one likes that imagine
someone called you stupid what would you do you'd be like yeah me yeah
I don't know what that means.
Oh, he's got a point.
Fuck.
I gotta say this in order to prove it's a live show.
Oh, God.
What is it?
Hey, Catastrophe 3.
Suck a dick because this shit be live.
There you go.
See?
Yeah, suck a dick.
Yeah, Matt's dick.
Suck it.
Play this song while you do it.
Oh, I put her in the mood.
Ain't no way to run.
Hey ignorant hey how much is gas is it 278 okay thank you is that good gas yes okay can you
how's it taste I don't know I'll punch you yeah great call that was stupid
God Carlito did you see the news what apparently Matt fucking Hillock got his
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Oh, this number's way too low.
Goddamn.
This is BBB?
BBB.
BB.
BBB.
BBB.
Okay. I need a toilet.
This is Bed Bath Beyond.
Maybe you're stupid ignorant, but you don't know what the bathroom is for.
Maybe you're stupid ignorant, but you don't know what the bathroom is for.
I do, sir, but we don't sell them in store.
We can have someone try to look them up online for you, but not in store.
Yeah, do you have a bathroom there?
Oh, we do have a bathroom.
I take that toilet.
I don't know if that's... you can't do that.
Yeah, I can. I have tools. I have a hammer.
I can get it out with a hammer.
What's that?
I was talking to someone else. I'm with a customer.
What did you say to the customer?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Well, you said you thought she looked good.
Say that again?
You said you thought she looked good.
Just because I'm not doesn't mean I can not compliment someone.
Okay, well, tell her.
Tell her you think she's very well put together.
Tell her.
Well, I touched myself.
I apologize, but that is quite inappropriate, sir.
Laugh.
It's too late.
I'm already doing it.
You can't stop me.
Oh, yeah.
I'm doing it now.
You really have nothing else to do right now, do you?
I'm masturbating.
This is time for me to masturbate now.
Okay, I'll leave you to it.
This is masturbation time.
Goodbye, sir.
Bye.
Sorry, I masturbated.
You have reached the voicemail box of 702203.
Dwight, you still there?
Yes, I am.
You're all quiet and shit.
Well, because I got my fan going in the background and I can hear it going over your audio.
How about ready to check out?
Oh, no, no.
Hey, you should call the hotels and tell them that you're yelling voice commands at the shower,
but it won't turn on.
Fucking smart showers.
This is a good song to fuck to.
Yeah, that's the whole point.
Trying to get a karate instructor on the line.
Hello, is this the karate guy?
Hello?
Hello, do you do karate?
Yeah, yeah. It's a taekwondo, not karate.
What's better, taekwondo or karate?
It depends on person to like it, but taekwondo is better kicking, better pomse, discipline, respect, more activity too.
Big penis?
Yeah.
Okay.
So you teach how much can I pay you to kick your ass in front of my children?
Well, my kids are 8 and 10 and I want them to respect me so
So I wanted to pay you I take them down there to your dojo or whatever it is
Okay, and I pay you the money and then I kick your ass in front of them
So they see me kick your ass, you know, you let me do that. Bye. Huh?
When do you come?
Can you come tomorrow?
Are you more serious?
You can come with two kids for $40.
Shout Out Ciro
Chris
I want to pick someone's ass in front of my kids so they respect me
You have to respect another person first
I don't respect other people
I kick everyone else's ass
I want them to see me kick someone's ass
You have so much bad behavior talking to me
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
You did a show on PCN and then I saw you did another show not on PCN already a few days ago. Why?
Well, I mean, I didn't want to overdo it.
There's no overdoing. If no one else is on, you go on. That's it.
Okay, okay.
I mean, do you want to join the family or no? I don't understand.
Yeah.
Apparently not.
I will join. I promise.
He's joining. Good, good.
When's Jag TV doing his next show, that motherfucker?
Please stay on the line and you'll be transferred to the next available agent.
You're doing the show and it's like the first show.
I just feel like that's fucking how people are now.
They're just all a bunch of fucking controls.
Crazy.
Some motherfucker texting me while I'm at work.
You're always very important to us.
Please stay on the line and you'll be transferred to the next available agent.
I didn't know you were at work.
God.
Not you.
Someone else.
I told dude to say, hey man, can you stop fucking texting me?
I don't know who the fuck you are.
You got my personal cell phone number.
I don't know who you are.
I honestly don't want to talk to you.
Carlito Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I want to kick the karate man's ass in front of my kids so that they respect me.
What?
How much can I pay the karate guy, the instructor, to take a dive, you know, like in a boxing match?
I mean, probably just come in and be like, hey, you need to teach my kids a lesson, and they'll be like, I ain't go.
Yeah, that's what I mean. I ain't go.
Oh, yeah, I just want him to not retaliate. I just want to punch him a lot and stuff.
I want to take his ninja clothes off and everything and be like hey kids look at this look how small he is you know look how small his pecker is in front of everyone oh my god yeah because I want my kids to respect me gotcha or if I could slap a woman you know okay that place was called karate for kids I want to come in and beat up and slap a woman slap a woman
I'm sorry you're going through a bunch of shit bro but I'm glad you're back thanks I'm glad to be back I miss this amount of like I'm all slow and stuff with ideas and getting the calls to go because I didn't realize how complicated I had my setup had become I didn't do a show for calling your local Walmart we appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store for pharmacy press one for electronics press two for pickup press three for deli press four
Did you get hit by that super snowy shit? The polar whatever?
Oh yeah, that vortex shit. That was sucky.
It even fucking snowed over here in California.
Holy shit.
We had freezing rain today, but now it's going to be 50 tomorrow, so fuck that ice.
Fuck it.
The world doesn't know anymore. It's a fucking freezing rain one day, 50 degrees the next.
Nature's just pissed off at everyone.
Some people, like Dwight, are like, ooh, global warming.
So much for global warming.
The whole thing there was a big disservice made when the the experts started calling saying it was going to be global warming they should have said weather instability because that's what's actually going on it's an instability of normal weather patterns did the patient when we hit that fucking stretch for about four days where it was below zero like negative 15 like regular temperature and Trump was like oh man the Midwest really wish we get some of that global warming I was like fucking right we do
I'm stupid ignorant I'm Trump I've got a vagina water in my head what the what oh man I'm gonna go Dom I leaving I leave you goodbye sir okay all right I'll do another show hopefully next week I do another show yeah Friday it'll be Fridays yeah so yeah this Friday next week next week we call to do one then me strange yeah of course anytime as long as someone else is already on you go on yeah
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I really wanted to do a show
Thanks
Tupac ain't mad at me
I didn't even take a break
I'm gonna go and watch Star Trek now
Another show soon
You know
I'll get back on the ball
Start editing the podcast again
Don't worry
Good night, everybody.
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