God Dammit – 2/23/2019 Show
23 Feb 2019 · 1 h 5 min · 3,278 words · source
Calls (10, 26 min of 1 h 5 min)
- Stratosphere Casino hotel order live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Pizza order with bizarre conversation live 5.1 min clip ↓
- Pizza place automated menu ivr 1.6 min clip ↓
- Ford Taurus salesperson questioned on wife's looks live 3.8 min clip ↓
- Target store asked about bed for sale playback 2.3 min clip ↓
- Call Nation customer service prank ivr 4.3 min clip ↓
- San Juan Water and Beach Club chicken order prank live 2.8 min clip ↓
- Private property resident about stolen chicken live 48 s clip ↓
- Ugly Monkey order butter chicken live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Ask about shitting in diaper live 1.6 min clip ↓
Transcript
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live
I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito
That's my big amigo so just kick back to listen to this cat call people
When this show goes live I'll be like damn this shit's bitchin'
Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen
You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road
I'm bustin' mad fat flows for assholes and banchos
My spit crazy, shout out to Big Amy, that's nice honey baby
We kissin' pussy so ladies such a labor, yeah it's crazy
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Little baby here. Little hooker.
average antisocial
we gotta go in, right? clean your clocks
Ladies and gentlemen, this is
L.D. Eastman's Act of Class and Show mall
now offering our Gleam Free Class
this is Laird speaking, how can I help you today?
is this a computer or a real person?
it's a real person
oh, my name is Sally
see you today
I'm a zepper
I wanted to make an order
do you deliver?
Where are you located, Sally?
uh, ah, Sally is my name
I'm at the Stratosphere Casino
hotel
Recording
Recording
Recording
Oh, I know PostMate. I know PostMate.
Yep, just go order through them and they can pick up the pizza and deliver it to you.
Okay. Okay, I guess. Listen to my zipper. Listen. I'm going to open my zipper.
Can you hear me? My zipper. Listen. I'm in the bathroom now. I'm in the bathroom in my hotel room.
I'm going to open my zipper.
You know what I'm doing?
In a moment, please hold.
Hello? Help?
Well, there are more pits of places that can take my order.
I have a silly idea for one, and I want you all to hear it.
Why am I sitting here making us all hold?
This isn't real world.
Toot toot.
Hey, how you doing, you stupid Momo?
I need to make an order.
Do you deliver to the Stratosphere Tower?
To the Stratosphere Tower?
Where in the tower?
In my room.
Well, we don't go to the rooms.
You got to meet us downstairs by the strip joint.
Yeah, you're real smart.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'll make you eat the fucking shoes. Okay. Hey, how big a boy are you six one three three seventy five?
Oh, you can lose somebody's Mario. I grew up in Brooklyn. Oh, yeah, you want me to deliver them?
It's gonna cost you extra you want to share the bed and my share. I had my shares of beating with shoes
Uh-huh. I'm gonna bring your shoes. Come on, Sally boy. What do you want? I got all day here to play pizzas
I got it. What else brother though? Why are you asking me? What do I want? I told you already
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
I want to pull down your pants and your panties on the bed.
I don't even wear underwear.
Oh, okay.
I'm a free baller.
Okay, all right, shithead.
Sally.
Yeah.
Sally.
What?
Come on, man.
It's cash only, right?
You tell me.
I'm not the owner.
Cash only.
$34.45.
That's fine.
What about chips?
Can I pay with chips?
Xeno chips?
No, no chips.
Cash only.
Okay.
Dead presidents.
Dead presidents only.
Okay.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
You got some labia from your driver?
Yeah, nice.
She just told me that.
Is she the one that's coming down to bring her labia to me?
My sva muni, I mean my sva, I used to know some Greek, I forgot it.
Malaka.
I forgot how to say it.
You're a Malaka.
Malaka.
Malaka.
Yeah.
Like oof.
Like oof.
Malaka.
Hey, so you gave the fat Italian guy Mario, you gave him your labia?
No, I didn't.
That's what he said.
He said he got that from you.
Okay, phone's ringing.
We gotta go.
All right, bye.
Bye, big vagina.
Bye-bye
Bye big vagina girl
Alright
That was okay
Two cheese pizza
Two plain pizza
Been sitting on that
On that idea for like a whole month
So worth it
So worth the effort
I'll try it again
I'll bring my shoes too
I guess he's talking jerky boys
He'll bring his shoes and glasses
At that point it was over
I knew he wasn't going to take it
Hey stupid
I want to see if I can make an order
Stupid
702
757
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Laugh Labia
S-A-L
It's my first name
My last name is Labia
L-A-B-I-A
Okay, cool
So, go ahead with the order
Two large cheese pizzas
And two large plain pizzas
Two large cheese and two large plain?
Yes
The cheese is the plain one
No, listen, buddy
Alright
I already had this problem
With one of the other pizza places here
In this stupid place
This stupid city
Tell me, sir
Two plain large cheese
Two plain
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Your call will be recorded for quality assurance.
If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time.
Or press 9 for more options.
For calling the Strat Hotel Casino and SkyPod, your call will be recorded for quality assurance.
Para Español, por favor, oprima 1.
For room reservations, please press 2.
For restaurant reservations, press 3.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Hey, is there someone that can come to my room to touch it?
Sorry?
Is there someone there who can touch it?
Okay, so this is the box office for the MJ Live show.
Well, I'm staying in the hotel part, and I need someone to come here and bring the paper and touch it.
Okay, so I will just transfer you.
Hurry up. Bye, urine.
She transferred me to hang up to the release department.
The song goes out to her.
2 gardenias para ti
con ella quiero decir
te quiero, te adoro
me da atención
come in
hello
pull up
pull up
pull up
hello
come in
2 gardenias para ti
a culo
come in
entran todo el calor
de un beso
fucker
nama
trarar
calor
de otro querer
a tu lado vivirá
se hablaran
hello
hello
hello
You selling a Ford Taurus?
Yes, I am.
Oh, okay.
What can you tell me about?
Hang on just a moment, please.
Okay, sexy woman.
Hello?
Hey, that woman is sexy?
You what?
Is that a sexy woman I was just talking to?
That's my wife.
Can I help you, son?
Is she sexy?
Do you have a Ford Taurus for sale?
No, we don't.
Thank you.
What do you mean?
Yeah, you do.
They did, but I ruined it.
She had to put the man on the phone.
Of course.
Madhouse Live
That's How It's Gonna Be Kids When You Grow Up Who The Fuck You Wanna Be Like Me Your Black Superhero Got Enough Zeros To Hire Rob Shapiro Your Honor I'ma Have To Get Rid Of Ya Because It Ain't No Trivia About My Flat In West Bolivia I Blew The Jewelry A Kiss They Rather Dismiss Than Swim With The Big Fish Your Fucking Guppies Next Shunt Chicken Hawking
Hey you got a bed there for sale I'm sorry you got a house for rent oh why
shit why don't you take it down from the fucking shit motherfucker I need a
fucking he I got a bald head motherfucker let me move in hey you shit
mr. shit mr. shit hey shit guy we watch NASCAR over there buddy
Bubba all has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system nine three
The Sports Arena Target Store
For hours and location information
Press 1 to reach a specific department
Press 2 to someone in the pharmacy
For electronics
Press 1 for guest services
Press 2 for groceries
Thanks for calling Target
Yeah hey um how you doing
You're eating yourself
I need to let you know about something
I'm uh I'm shopping here
And I was in the bathroom
Okay
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Thank you sir have a good night
Go hurry it's really funny
Alright thank you sir have a good night
I recorded it
Fuck
It is funny when people go in the bathroom
And yeah sometimes
If the light if it's the kind that you can turn off
I'll turn it off it's funny
I don't know I was at work and this one fucking guy
Who walks with a cane all slow
He was in the handicapped stall
He was just sitting there going shit shit
Damn it like that
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
Abuse the chicken and kick it and you know and choke it until it dies like violently
But then I can I bring the chicken and you people make it for me
No, you make chicken hamburger hamburger. Okay, when I make an order is okay. I want to make an order then
I want pancakes pancakes. How do you say? Yeah, thank you
With two two huevos. Okay. Okay two eggs. Yes. Okay
No, I want them with heat.
Huh?
Heat.
Heat.
But like the, it's over easy, over medium, over harsh on the side up?
Heat.
Hot.
Hot eggs.
Okay.
Over heat.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay, and I don't want any dirty Puerto Ricans touching the food.
Well, that's impossible because all we have is Puerto Rico.
All the clients.
Ah, that's disgusting.
Oh, well, I'm so sorry, sir.
That's disgusting, you know?
Well, I'm so sorry.
I am more sorry than you. I am more sorry than you. Okay. Okay. All right. Gwebona. Bye. I called a big balls. Gwebona. Gwebona. Called the old San Juan Water and Beach Club. My favorite hotel in San Juan, Puerto Rico. Everything is blue. I'm in trouble with numbers connecting out.
Hey Matt, calm down, be calm, hey, hey, hey, hey, be calm man, are you out of the
hospital yet, I ain't gonna be out of the hospital till like the meetup yo, shit, I
ain't going to the meetup.
Yeah, I told them that the 13th is the latest I can say and they said well you'll be here as long as we say
No
Grown fucking person you go when they sign the paper
Yes, look it dude, it's fucking thundersnow in here. I can't see anything search your minicam
Unfortunately, the videos that are not centered around the
The hotel your hotel okay so then I went to I kept driving and I found a private property
residence and they had chicken in the tree they were sleeping so I stole one of their chickens
I stole chicken well be our people bye they were telling me that you came for a cockfight
and that you and you went to somewhere and what I went to the cockfight they the the people down
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Laugh Track Matt Baz
I found a house someone's house a private house and they had chicken they
had like live chickens in them and I and I parked my car and I went on the
property and I stole a chicken because I wanted to see a chicken die and the
place wasn't open cockfighting was a lie so I want to just
Well, for that you could have gone to Rio Grande and over there they do cow fights every day.
Well, sir, you cannot bring the chicken to the hotel.
Because we are in Puerto Rico.
I just want to kill the animal. I want to kill chicken.
No, but you cannot bring it back to the public.
If you want to do that, you can do that, but not for me.
Not over here.
Can I do it in front of the hotel?
Can I kill the chicken in front of the hotel?
You can do it on the beach if you want.
Yeah.
I'm going to kick it.
I'm going to kick the chicken.
I'm going to punch it.
All right.
I'm going to pull it off.
I'll bring it into the hotel, all right?
I'm going to bring it to the hotel because it's a nice hotel room.
This stupid chicken.
This stupid fucking chicken, you know?
Yes, sir.
okay well I'm no chicken you heard that Matt no chickens are the hotel
smart come back burning candles in this hotel room hey come back hey yeah can I
get a painting from a shoulder oh yeah yeah yeah yeah no rush man
Thank you. He doesn't he's milking it
Painting with the patch
Fastbound
Beat Noir
Uncensored
Prank
Get D��
Snare
Snare
Snare
Slare
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Computer Volume 6
Computer, what's the weather?
He's got an echo set up in his room.
He moved in.
You moved in, Matt.
You got your Amazon Alexa
and your Blacklight and your satanic candles.
I got a Blacklight.
I got a fucking...
Dude, I got both my computers here.
I got a microphone.
I got, um...
Yeah, like, see?
I got, uh...
Fucking my art on the walls already.
I got...
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Go to my YouTube right now.
You should make a formal complaint.
You can get her in big trouble for saying that.
Oh, yeah?
Come on, man. She can't be like, I'm here to convert you.
Oh, no, she wasn't.
It was just a...
She was looking at my
fucking, all my devil shit.
My devil... Oh, look at the
Nick Caesar drawing. Sure.
Yeah. Old man, hello.
Sorry. Yeah.
Oh,
she said,
Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Sorry, I had to do a call.
Okay.
I think you're drinking beer now.
No?
No, that was a drink.
Where am I at going?
I don't know, man.
You got to deal with it.
You're at night.
You're at night.
I don't know what to say.
Now I'm drinking a no-calorie monster.
At this time of night?
Dude, what's up with you?
What?
I got nothing to do.
Tomorrow, I need to go to an art class.
Fart class.
Matt Baz Milkman
Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Closed Captioning provided by the Imperial News Network
I'll come back and we talk more about your penis.
Your satanic fucking hotel that you're in.
I didn't mean to cut you off like that, Matt.
I'm sorry.
But I gotta pee.
Alright, bye everybody.
I'll be back in, give me ten minutes.
Get some more orange juice.
You are bigger than a woman.
You are better than a woman.
We'll always be behind you.
Do not let a woman.
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Hey Monkey, I wanna make an order.
Yes, one moment please.
Ok, Ugly Monkey.
Ok, so what would you like to order?
Hi Mr. Monkey, I would like to order one butter chicken.
Ok, anything else?
One chicken tikka masala.
Ok.
One bhenchod
One which one?
Bhenchod
Anything else?
Anything Else?
Anything Else?
Anything Else?
Ha Ha Ha
Well Show Me Your Gando!
Pajama pants
Act like you didn't know
I don't have pajama pants
You have pants?
You can flop your dick over it
But you said pajama pants
Oh yeah that's how I do it
I just stick it through the hole
It's a lot easier to explain that
And then you say look at this
Look at this
And you bounce it up and down
And I'll be like oh yeah that's not a herpes
I just got it caught in the zipper
Fucking zipper
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Madhouse Live
what was it like to shit in your diaper?
I did shit in the diaper.
oh it was nice cuz you don't gotta take them off they rip at the sides
and you can just take the whole shitty diaper in
so that was nice. Nice, convenient. That was a plug.
but I mean the shit coming out was it weird that you were doing it in your pants?
it feels fucking terrible man just shitting it doesn't feel
I don't feel any different than shit in boxers, though, you know?
Pretend you're an astronaut, that's how they do it.
Dude, Dave, well...
That is just...
Hi, hi, yeah, my friend, he did a number two in his pants and he has a dull diaper.
Do you have a container we can put it in?
Yeah, yeah, you can come by and pick it up.
Okay, uh, are you gonna charge us?
Yeah, yeah, like a couple of hundred dollars.
No, no, no, I'm being serious.
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
You meant to say that you hate me too, but you just said me too.
No, no, no. I hate myself.
You're so stupid. No, you were trying. Why would you say that?
You wanted to say, I hate you too, you were going to say.
I don't hate dumb people, man. I love all the people equally, no matter how retarded they are.
Oh, burn. Sick burn.
Are you dark-skinned or light-skinned? Dark-skinned, Hindi?
Why, why, why? What, what, what?
Because I like them dark.
You like them dark? Yeah. I am dark, man.
Oh, nice. Nice. Do you have a big hose? Big gandu?
What?
Do you have big gandu?
That's racist.
You don't have big gandhu gandhu is the elephant trunk, you know, it is. Yeah
And now we go back to shit, all right, look I'm gonna let you go because you're not cooperating and I'm not feeling
You're right
What are you doing scratching you know what work is
Your fingers your fingers in your asshole, that's what you're doing
Work is for suckers
You stupid fuck
Work is for suckers
He got me good
That's what your mom said
Yeah I know
I hate myself too
That's why you work at a fucking restaurant
On this nice windy night
You dumb shit
Oh we're gonna get the wind tomorrow
That's what TV said
I'm sending it to you
Dude, I can't I can't play games on the big TV because my computers are powerful enough. Like when I plug it in they run dude at the soul caliber or GTA 5 was running at four and five GPS or frames per second monitor laptop monitor. Oh, yeah, yeah, I can play it. But I'm saying in the in that fucking like day room.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
So what's the story with where you're falling down?
What's going on?
Are you all right?
Are you going to be okay?
I had new MRIs and they didn't find anything on there.
I don't know.
I don't know.
The thing is, if I...
Don the Bomb wants to be added to this.
You want him?
Yeah, I'm about to end the show here.
Will you add him?
Oh, okay.
I'll add D to B.
Where does he go?
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Call Nation Madhouse Live
All right, bye everyone. Thanks for listening. Sorry low energy here at the end. This is just how I've been lately
Not really into the prank calls lately or the comedy. It's kind of hard to explain. I'll explain when I can explain
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