Honey Labia – 3/9/2019 Show
9 Mar 2019 · 1 h 24 min · 4,599 words · source
Calls (14, 21 min of 1 h 24 min)
- Walmart automated menu ivr 33 s clip ↓
- Walmart bathroom theft confession live 48 s clip ↓
- Walmart customer recounts shoplifting food live 2.3 min clip ↓
- Walmart customer praises buffet deal live 48 s clip ↓
- Walmart customer asks about beef pizzle live 33 s clip ↓
- Madhouse Live caller with beef fart joke live 48 s clip ↓
- Madhouse Live caller threatening radio interference live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Construction company secretary confrontation live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Honey baby labia mistaken call live 3.1 min clip ↓
- Microsoft Store Skype complaint live 4.3 min clip ↓
- Prank call to Madhouse Live live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Chipotle restaurant manager about food prep live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Hotel guest reporting toilet issue live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Wabbits pet store inquiry live 33 s clip ↓
Transcript
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live
I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito
That's my big amigo so just kick back to listen to this cat call people
When this show goes live I be like damn this shit's bitchin'
Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen
You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road
I'm bustin' mad fat flows for assholes and banchos
My spit crazy, shout out to Big Amy, that's nice honey baby
We kissin' pussy so ladies such a labor, yeah it's crazy
Madhouse Live
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Mayday Magnet.
Call Station in the Nation.
Call your local Walmart.
We appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.
For pharmacy, press 1.
For electronics, press 2.
For pickups, press 3.
For deli, press 4.
To speak to an associate, press 0.
To repeat this video, press star.
Hey, Pussy Lips, how you doing?
Do what?
How you doing, Pussy Lips?
Hold on a minute.
Bitch.
One, two, nine.
Bitch.
Shut up.
How can I help you?
Yeah, I'm in the bathroom, and I brought in a bunch of unpaid merchandise.
Where are you at?
In the bathroom in the back where Layaway used to be.
Let me get a manager for you.
Well, no, I'm flushing, like, I just flushed some, like, printer cartridges.
I don't give a shit
The song they play right before they used to hang up on me every time when I called Lowe's
Whenever I heard this song I knew I went to
I went to four
I went to four
Changing the premise of this call
Inside we do things here at Madhouse
And by we I mean me
That's how Mimi does things
Mimi
I think I'll call a different number
Remembering a prank skiving
I think the first one
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I don't think I ever got to see that fucking video.
Time to steal some shoes!
Thank you for calling Walmart, Dad. I'm going to direct your call.
Hey, I just want to let you know I tried on a pair of shoes there, and I just walked out with them, and I didn't pay.
Well, maybe you should just walk back in with them.
And I didn't pay. No, I don't want to. I win.
I just want to say ha-ha.
Okay.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I was there like 30 minutes ago with my wife we just left
and she brought a big purse and she put a bunch she put a punch of food in her purse and we walked
out we didn't we took food away in her purse
hey china dirty
No, we don't we don't have that nobody saying it. Why Chinese people so dirty assholes. No, you are my wife
No, no, you Chinese people are dirty. Listen my wife
No, you asshole motherfucker my wife my wife had you know you fuck you first ah
Oh, you'll fuck you. He wasn't very angry Simon, but he was very insulted
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Real Deal
Remember once these Chinese women they caught her
They're like no no you can't do
She's like I don't need to take this
We're leaving
Basically she grabbed my hand and stormed off
She turned it on them
She'd get like a week's worth of meals
For that pepper steak man
It's a good deal
Pay $9 for a ticket for the buffet
And you end up with a whole week of food yeah
Yeah I've been doing this thing
You see they got that Coca-Cola freestyle machine
Which I love the touch screen one
Madhouse Live
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
So I looked at this thing and it says ingredients are one beef pizzle.
Okay.
What's that?
What's that exactly?
What is it called again?
It says ingredients on here on the thing.
And it says one beef pizzle.
Give me a second.
Clap song.
The Cisco song.
The Matt Hillock song.
Matt Hillock owns the rights to this song.
Man, I had a good stand-up Thursday.
I killed it, man.
That's why I didn't do a show Thursday.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
The Good News is YouTube streaming is re-enabled for my YouTube account, and I will be starting that out with the next show, which I hope to be next week.
Hello
Hey honey baby
How you doing flapjack
Whoa
Shut up
Shut up
All that beef fart
And he's on one
I'm trying to answer all of them
Beef fart
Homer shut up
Don't start with me man
This motherfucker Homer
Let me tell you what he did this week
He came out of the kitchen
Stupid
With an entire pork chop in his mouth
No I don't want to hear it
I'm telling everyone what you did
You came out of the kitchen
He just
With his head really low
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
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The Cow
The Cow Machine
The Bull
I thought it was just when they castrated to make steer
But I guess not
Because it says beef
So you're supposed to eat beef with
When they're slaughtering the animal for food
For food
Anyway like I said
I'm gonna be right back
I could play a prank call
Would you guys like that?
Sorry to leave so early into the show
Listen
Enough with the morse code over there alright
I appreciate it
Enough with the morse code on the shortwave radio
From your boys out in the field
Messing up my radio alright
I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have any radios.
Where are you out of?
You shove it up your fucking ass. I'll meet you anywhere. I don't have anybody working right now. They're all laid off.
You son of a bitch. How dare you fucking talk to me. I'll slap you right in the face in front of your wife and show him around when real man fights.
I think he's a real man. He's talking about putting shit in your ass.
Yeah, that's true.
Did he say that?
What did he say he'd do if I met him in person who was going to put his fingers in my ass?
Say what?
What did he say he was going to do if I met him in person that he was going to put his...
What did you say he was going to do?
He said that he was going to put his...
Who is he? Who is he? Who are you calling?
The construction over there.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I don't talk to the secretary. Put the man on the phone.
Yeah, I am the fucking secretary, buddy. I'm the owner. Now, what the fuck do you want?
Put a man on the phone is what I want. How's that?
And then you stupid...
I don't talk to women. My wife doesn't allow it.
Women mess everything up. Are you the one tapping into my radio?
Oh, women mess everything up? You want my address so you can come here?
And what? You're threatening me. I'm writing it down.
And what? You can't deal with a woman because you're afraid she might beat you up?
No, I don't handle with women. I don't talk to women.
I don't listen I don't really usually talk to women unless I'm stupid I don't
talk to women unless we're gonna fornicate yes okay got the picture well
I'm I'm reporting you I'm writing you up what's your name you you report me okay
do you have your papers why don't you go get out get out of this country go back
home to your real country foreigners taking our jobs still there yeah listen
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Prank
The
R
O
It's
Kind
Of
Like
Air
B
N
B
For
Car
Rental
It's
Pretty
Cool
I
Ended
Up
Driving
Around
I
Almost
Got
A
Tesla
There
Was
A
Tesla
But
Ended
Up
In
A
Dodge
Challenger
Oh
Man
That
Car
Was
Sweet
Was
Driving
Around
My
Old
Haunts
In
Orlando
Well
There
Goes
Homer
Starting
Shit
Madhouse Live
I'm Puerto Rican I can say that
I'll tell you what was awesome though man
there's a chain of buffet
restaurants that are primarily
Puerto Rican food
oh that was good all you can eat Puerto Rican food
El Palacio is what they're called
they bought up
like some old Chinese buffets
that weren't doing too good and they fixed them up
and they put Puerto Rican
food all you can eat oh man rice and beans
and fried pork and all
the good stuff man
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Yeah! Hell yeah!
It's good to be back home in the old hood.
That was great. Good times.
But way too many people living down there now.
Holy shit!
I'm happy I moved away when I did
because I wouldn't be able to handle the anxiety of that.
Oh my god.
It's like double the traffic.
I don't know why so many people fucking-
I mean there was traffic in Orlando 10 years ago
when I was living there still
but not like now, man.
Shit.
Dwight McClanahan will be starting in about an hour and 20 minutes, so I'm going to try to lead you all into the Dwight McClanahan show, and I'll probably be joining in if you'll have me.
Yeah, dude, I don't like flying.
Just because, you know, I had to be comfortable through first class.
You know, it really took a lot of money.
It was unexpected expenses.
I've got a pretty bad ankle injury and it hurts really bad if I'm in a confined space sitting down for a long time like in a tight space in a car so I flew first class so I could get the free alcohol too it's almost worth it for that to calm the nerves down that was popping clonopens and stuff yep anyway I got upset at the TSA in Orlando and I told the guy that I hope he gets furloughed again
And the
fuck that guy
fuck the TSA
and I've never
had problems
with TSA
in any airport
and I admit
to quite a few
never had problems
with TSA agents
except for that
fucking Orlando
International man
every fucking time
they're fucking
assholes to me
your call has been
forwarded to an
automated voice
messaging system
7
2
I fucking get to
the through the
security line
and they get to
where you know
it's time to start
taking my laptop
out and all that
shit
and I had
a backpack
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
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Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Or, or, I got that caller ID so you don't even have to do nothing if you don't want.
Here's a guy looking for someone to help put up a fence.
Hey, looking for someone to help put up a fence?
Yes, sir. Who are you and where are you at?
My name is Biscuits.
Biscuits.
Yeah, everyone calls me Biscuits because I love biscuits.
I love them with gravy, with sausage.
We do homemade biscuits and gravy. Oh, man, they're good, huh?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah, this is in Tennessee.
Tennessee
I mean it's an old phone number but I live in Plaka now
Oh Plaka
You know Plaka motherfucker
Yeah I know Plaka motherfucker
I want to help you put up a
Oh well
Tennessee
Tennessee
Tennessee
Tennessee
Tennessee
Tennessee
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
3, 5, 2, 4, 4
Yeah, they call me Biscuits, everybody.
They really should.
Hello?
Hey, honey baby labia, how you doing?
Who?
How you doing, labia?
Oh, my God.
This is, hey, honey labia.
Am I gone?
Oh, my God.
Honey baby labia.
Hey, honey labia, how you doing?
Hey, you got the wrong number, dude.
No, you got a puppy for a good home?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Honey Labia
I don't know
my friends say that, I don't even know what it means
is it a bad word?
I want the dog
talk to my wife like that, can you know?
I admire a toad
glowin' natural
your style's what I'm attracted to
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
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Yeah, do you think you can put an ejector seat in that, motherfucker?
Oh, come on.
Are you interested in this car or are you just bullshitting me?
Don't say bullshit to me, alright, you dirty Chinese?
Don't say bullshit to me.
Alright, let me call Matt before he interrupts another call.
Give me a second.
And it's not giving me the option.
Thank you, New Skype, for being a piece of shit.
New Skype's a shit, isn't it, guys?
Madhouse Live
That's what I want to do.
Piece of shit.
Hey, homo.
How you been?
Are you still in the hospital?
Or in the rehab or whatever?
Yeah, look at the background.
Don't you see?
Oh, now I see it's coming through now.
Yeah, you're still there, huh?
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
Here till Wednesday.
You've been pissing in jugs and everything?
Pissing in jugs.
Pissing in jugs.
Shake it up, Roll.
Shake it up.
It's empty.
They make sure to clean it.
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I didn't I I've mentioned to her so we need to hook up but today I was saying I just want to do
a gang of psychedelics with you kid I want to open the world to you I'm like you're in a whole
different thing just like you're so naive need to put her in a pair of suspenders and you know
take her have your way with her she's so little too ain't it you seen in the video yep he's told
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
The Microsoft Store at Scottsdale Fashion Square
To help us to improve the quality of our products, services, and training,
this call may be recorded or monitored,
and information collected on this call may be transferred to other countries.
For store hours and location information, press 1.
For questions before you buy or to purchase a product from Microsoft Store, press 2.
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Fucking Geek Squad.
Microsoft, Jordan Scott.
So this is April.
How may I help you?
Hey, Big April.
How you doing?
I'm good.
How are you?
Yeah.
What is Skype?
The new Skype sucks so fucking bad.
I don't know.
Is there a question?
You know, for being a voice over IP program, you can't get anyone on the fucking phone
to save your life to help you out with it.
I'm sorry, but if you're going to keep cussing at me, I can give you somebody else.
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I know dude this is like
It's like you're getting paid to do what you do anyway
Hello
What's up
Okay
Thank you
Thank you for holding this George
How can I help you
Hey big George listen
Why does the new Skype suck so bad
You guys own Skype right
Microsoft owns Skype
Yeah this is a retail store
Is there something we can help you with
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
It's not easy to do prank calls with new Skype.
You're messing us up.
And Dwight, I'll tell you what, Dwight McClanahan is real pissed off about it.
And so is Matt.
Matt's going to talk to you.
Matt fucking hell on Matt.
Yeah, I'm none too happy.
Why can't we not just keep the old version?
What's the problem with the old version?
I mean, if there's something I can help you with, I'd be happy to answer a question.
Here we go with the smoke and mirrors again, not answering Matt's question.
Why I can't use the old Skype?
Why is an upgrade forced upon me?
I'm just an associate in a retail store, okay?
I thought you were a manager.
I thought you were a manager.
Pull out your big manager balls and handle the situation.
I'm just an associate.
You sound like a fucking woman.
Have a lovely night.
Thanks.
All right, hey, you should be wearing women's shoes.
We're super suckers, you fucking square.
He gave me a clang.
He's not even on Skype.
If they were behind a product so much, they would use Skype.
Skype for business.
Oh, shit, Matt, I hung up on you in an accident.
That was stupid.
Call Back Matt
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
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I'll be some like an early adopter if they're looking for people to fucking jack into the internet and live there I'll be like yeah if you got virtual beer like they not have software that would affect you that way you know no isn't there some isn't there audio you can listen to and it fucks you up it'll fuck it'll make you feel kind of psychedelic I think that's bullshit
Madhouse Live
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Special Forces
Yeah he's
Yeah he's sort of choking
Fucking Reagan dude
At one point
Cause
Cause the devil was
Get out
Get out
Get behind me
Satan
The fucking
God damn
Christian
Lady
Yeah
The therapist
And she about like
Creamed
And she's like
You're quoting
I can't believe you're quoting the bible now Matthew
Oh my god
Matthew
I was like
Just cause I
I don't believe in it
Don't mean I don't know of this shit
And then you showed her your penis and you flopped it up and down
I've been fucking like when they're like helping me with to get my pants off and shit
Yeah
You can like so see my cock just sitting there in my little shorts
I'm so like some creepy shit about to do something
I'm like don't do that Matt
Are you cut or uncut?
I'm cut
Man, I'm fucking just stupid white boy American, you know?
Yeah.
I went on, yeah, I'm shocked you never heard me like outraged and saying,
I was scarred as a child.
I should fucking, you know.
Well, I was too.
You know, I was too.
I'm told I'm missing out on a lot of feelings because of that.
You know what I learned this week is circumcision in America,
why it's become so commonplace.
Dr. Kellogg
The guy that invented cornflakes
He was a very christian-y
Anti-masturbation guy
Yeah he was a fucking crackpot
So much shit
You know what's so crazy
Is that the dobers are getting proven right
That right now
There's some like
Spray drug of ketamine
For people that
Regular antidepressants don't work
And fucking they're testing
Madhouse Live
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Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
I live in a real city, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, big city guy.
Thanks for calling Chipotle, downtown Scottsdale.
We sometimes listen to calls or record them.
What can I do for you?
I should put us on Skype on YouTube.
Well, I'll be able to get back on YouTube soon.
I'm sorry, but if you said something, I couldn't hear it.
I want to talk to somebody.
So, how can I help?
I want to talk to somebody there at the restaurant who makes the food.
I want to be dirty to them.
I want to talk dirty.
Right.
Thanks for calling Chipotle.
Have a good day.
Fucking Chipotle.
I hate any place where you gotta watch the person make your food and say a little more of this a little less of that oh yeah I'm gonna need some I hate that whole bullshit thing it's so fucking stupid to me
I wanna sit down and say bring me this and two beers please and that's the end of our interaction
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Did you hear my e-begging in the hospital?
Like my first night got me $160.
No.
Good.
And the one guy I hadn't even Facebook friended yet.
I immediately did after sending me $100.
I'll tell you what.
Okay, we're live on air with Carlito, the big boss man.
He's back in effect.
I wanted to mention, by the way, I'm able to accept PayPal now.
www.madhouselive.com
bhenchod madarchod chicken tikka masala papadum Carlito Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman
Please hold
and a fully equipped fitness center
impeccable dining and other amenities
Hang on a second
Come in
This is Robin
Hey Robin, that's a girl's name
Gotta do my thing
Bye Matt
Hey Robin, that's a girl's name
Can I help you?
Yeah, there seems to be a problem
with the toilet
In which room?
In my room
What room would that be?
227
Call Nation Madhouse Live
or installing the audio-visual equipment you need for a successful meeting.
Okay, I'll have engineering come up there.
You're putting me on hold for that?
Yes, I have another phone call coming through.
Okay, well, I mean, are they going to be able to get all the water off the floor here?
I would imagine, sir, yes.
Well, every time I flush the toilet, there's more water.
Let me just have them come up, okay?
It's not working. Water, water everywhere.
Okay, I'll call engineering, thank you. I'll have them come right up.
I don't want them to touch my things and smell my things.
I have ice creams up here.
Just a moment, please.
First members get the lowest prices on weekend getaways when they reserve through our website.
Sir, I'm going to have one of the engineers come up and see if they can fix the problem for you.
Okay, are you sitting here?
Is he going to be wearing a red shirt?
Pardon me?
The fire alarm might be going off in a few seconds here in my room.
Why?
The smoke detector.
Why?
Oh, there it goes.
We're smoking weed.
And we'll send engineering over to you.
All right.
Thank you.
Make it so.
This is a guy.
Where'd Matt go?
Matt can't be walking around.
He's a fall risk.
Bullshit.
You can't change your PayPal.me address.
Fuck.
I'm not having fun with this show.
It's not going that good, that funny.
I'm sure Matt.
Nah, nah.
I'm sure Dwight will do a better job than I am tonight.
Sorry.
Hey, homo.
What's up?
What's up?
What were you doing?
I had to get my vitals checked.
Did you hide your beer?
I mean, I'll show you what I did.
You can see here's my hiding.
Did you put it in a cup?
No, I just tucked it right there.
There's some more art I did in art therapy, more upside down cross animals and such.
Cup monsters.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation
I was on a movie a slut movie yeah the smut porno yeah the only things that I remember from
old smut is funny things you know yeah like I don't ever think like oh that was such a hot scene
it's just funny shit like the like the one I saw that they just had like a poster board with
Stick on Stickers
and the flick was called
European
and it said the ladies love
the piss
and the letters were like a little off
it was so
funny to me
European
remember you told me about that
the ladies love the piss
that fucking cracked me up
but yeah
I still watch
some same old
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Hi, you have wabbits?
Yes, I have some wabbits.
Okay, so are these a good...
Sounds a little labored.
I just want to, like, can I do whatever I want with them after I get them?
I think she knew where you were going with that.
Without you even going there.
I wanted to kill him.
I lost old man Hillock.
Person whom you're trying to reach is currently unavailable.
Dude, it's so garbage.
I couldn't pick up your call.
Madhouse Live
Anybody who's a madhouse person to come around me then.
I only want to talk to folks.
No, that really sucks.
Sorry, I wish I could go. I'm going to be hella jealous the entire week.
No, I mean, don't be sorry. Yeah, I know you're not doing it out of, like, fuck those guys.
Yeah, I'm going to miss out on getting insulted by you again because I can't stay up.
No, because it's all handled.
I know where you stand, and we got separate houses to alleviate any of those situations, you know?
You're in the Proud Boy house.
I guess.
Who the fuck would be a Proud Boy in our house?
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
And the others are fucking beaners.
Four, two, three.
Rap beaners.
Beaners.
Rap beaners.
Yeah.
Dumb the bum.
So, yeah.
Dom the Beater
Dom the Beater
And a fucking goddamn
European
Yeah who's the proud boy
Not me
If anyone's a proud boy it's Dwight
4, 2, 3, 7, 3, 6, 5, 7, 5, 8
Is not a
Long history of arrests
And fucking
Living off the government dime
And welfare
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and we started talking about what a cool place it was and he said he started like tearing up talking about his wife just had a real bad stroke in this place helping her and he's like worried about she's like worried about when she goes back to church what the people are gonna think and he's like they're gonna think you're a hero and he's like just watching you made made me just so happy just seeing you try so hard and just be happy
Laugh Track Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
The Group's Poetry Pushed Revolution and Self-Determination
While Admonishing Scenarios About Survival in an Environment Defined by Racialized Poverty
I'll be inspired soon
The shows are going to come back to weekly soon
I promise
I want to thank all of the Patreon supporters
This last week
Without your help I wouldn't be able to even do a show now
Because the hard drive crashed in this machine
And y'all make it happen
You know
Before you put on this record
Understand
This is for all of my ancestors
Who were raped
Yeah it's here for rape
Alright everyone listen I'm going to get out of your way
Stay in the area
In about 30 minutes
Dwight McClanahan will be starting
With a way better show than I'm having
Tonight you should be excited for that
Right
Yep
I'm gonna go eat my meatloaf
I got a microwave first
Thanks to all my fans
Y'all the best
Despite what I say when I'm upset
Alright then
This is the end
Bye
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