Hold Your Tongue – 3/16/2019 Show
16 Mar 2019 · 51 min · 2,564 words · source
Calls (10, 16 min of 51 min)
- Panera Bread automated menu ivr 3.6 min clip ↓
- Golf club seller in Tahoe live 48 s clip ↓
- Guitar case seller asked about dimensions live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Voicemail setup issue with caller live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Waffle House caller about taking a shit live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Waffle House asked to cook stolen chicken live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Waffle House egg recall check live 33 s clip ↓
- Ford Windstar seller asked about cabinets live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Penny asked about puppies live 33 s clip ↓
- New India Chat Cafe asked about chicken tikka masala live 3.8 min clip ↓
Transcript
Are you going crazy?
Oh, I'm crazy about Indian.
I'm crazy about you.
Yeah.
Talk to me.
Hang on.
Let me ask my co-worker.
My co-worker.
I'm here right now in the toilet.
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.
I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.
That's my big amigo.
So just kick back to listen to this cat call.
People, when this show goes live, I'll be like, yeah, this shit's bitchin'.
Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Do you know something?
Don't listen.
What do you know?
Maybe I do and maybe I don't.
What I say is they got no business negotiating.
We ought to be going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard.
Oh, is that right?
We do it now, we do it later.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Thank you. Thank you for choosing Panera Bread on Coleman, where you can now order online for rapid pickup and never wait in line again.
To order rapid pickup, please go to PaneraBread.com or download the Panera app from the app store.
To place a catering order, please go online at cater.PaneraBread.com.
To stick with the cafe, it's so good, please press three.
Three.
Oh, every time I talk, the right side audio kicks out.
Fuck.
Maybe turning echo doesn't work.
No!
Thank you for calling Panera on Coleman. How can I help you?
Hi, I have a question about the food.
Um, I'm sorry, sir. I can barely hear you. I'm sorry.
I'm in the toilet! Shut up! I'm in the toilet!
Excuse me?
I'm in the toilet, I said.
Hey, you gotta get out of here.
You're in the toilet?
Yeah. Hey!
Hello?
Yeah.
Is everything okay?
Well, I'm in the toilet is what I'm saying, and I'm waiting and there's nothing happening.
Are you in my bathroom right now? Do you need...
No, I'm in my bathroom, stupid.
Okay. How can I help you today?
How long after I eat the lentil quinoa broth bowl with cage-free eggs
until I have to take a shit in the toilet?
I'm not quite sure. I've never really had that.
I know some people like it, but I'm not quite sure about that answer.
I would stipulate and say maybe half an hour, an hour tops.
I guess it all depends on your metabolism, your weight, your activity.
It's been 90 minutes, Dr. Panera.
When I went there, I told the girl that I have a problem,
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I told her what I needed.
That I needed to take a shit in the toilet here.
Now, I've been sitting here for a while, alright?
And I'm missing the Golden State game that's on TV.
Is there any way you can find out information on how long it's going to take to take a shit in this toilet?
To be honest, I don't know.
I would say max an hour, sir.
But like I said, it all depends on...
It's been 90 minutes.
It's been 90 minutes.
And it's been a long time.
I'm not quite sure, sir.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Situation
Laugh
Call
Call
얘기
viewer
icks
call
call
call
call
call
call
call
call
call
Madhouse For Your Feet With Your Toes With Your Legs
You got shoes on your feet
You got feet on your shoes
You got feet on your shoes
This microphone shits killing me
Left and right left and right
I'm just glad I got this shit working again
A lot of interference in the background
I'm gonna have to re-wire everything
It's gonna be a nightmare
But nothing's easy
Hey I'm back on youtube
Yotube's working again
Excuse me
Madhouse Radio on Youtube
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Good for me.
Next number, just a minute.
Nyah, nyah.
Lip smack.
Not even eating.
Sounds like a hand.
What?
What do I do here?
The page is frozen.
Ah, it sucks.
Ah, the posting just got deleted.
It must have sold the tickets.
No more tickets.
No more tickets.
Understanding that there's no audio on the YouTube feed, so it's fucked up.
Here we go.
That had been working.
There it is.
Should be working.
I'm showing it's working.
I don't understand.
Oh, I think I see why.
Whoops, my fault.
Give me a second, everybody.
Don't go anywhere, everybody.
My bad.
I'm stupid.
Here, this should fix it now.
There should be audio on YouTube.
My stupid fault.
Back to the calls.
Back to the number.
Let's see if this one shows up.
Craigslist automatically closes the contact info on the page after you've opened it.
I had them all lined up and set up with the contact phone number info already open
because you have to click it now.
Click a little button to show it.
It's like a little JavaScript thing.
Why would they time that out?
What would be the mentality, the plan behind that?
I don't want to hear this song anymore.
Yeah, hey.
Hello.
Hi.
You got a golf club for sale?
Yeah, a driver?
Yeah.
Is it possible for you to call me tomorrow?
I'm out of town right now.
Oh, where are you at?
I'm up in Tahoe.
In Tahoe.
Okay.
I'm entrusting for the afternoon. I'll be I'll be back tomorrow about noon. There's a Cleveland driver. It's a Cleveland driver
Shit, I had a joke. It was a driver fucking golf people hate golf
Don't worry, I'll do something funny. We got some juice. Hey, there's some shoes. Hey there. I have a pair of
e-tonic
Stabilities golf shoes fucking golf. Please leave your message for hi there
The Tacos Considering Ordering Some Taco Bell Delivery
Please Leave Your Message For
Hi There You Reach Fred Stinnett Please Leave Me A Message On
Fred Stinnett Nevermind
Next Looks Like A Guitar Padded Guitar Case
Hello
Hey You Got A Deluxe Padded Guitar Case
Yes I Do
For Sale
Yes
Alright What Can You Tell Me About
The Google Subscriber You Have Called Is Not Available
Google Subscribers Never Like To Pick Up
That's Why They're Google Subscribers
I'm Scared Of Contact
I'm Scared Of Communication With The World
I'm Brad Carter
Get Your Ass On
I See That Someone's Trying To Call Into The Show
But The Fucking Setup Isn't Working Right
Alright, 405-396-6884. If you keep trying, it should probably work. I apologize.
Yeah, you got a drum?
Yes, I do.
Okay, what are the dimensions of it?
You mean the condition?
Dimensions.
I don't know what is dimensions.
Stupid. How tall, how wide, how long is it? How big?
You motherfucker. Don't call me stupid. You motherfucker idiot.
Madhouse Live
Live.com slash donate you'll uh you'll be able to hit the the button there there's a donate button
there hey sorry guys trying to call or girl uh please leave your message for like i said i went
through a lot trying to get the computer here up and running again and something must be up with
the voip setup with the incoming calls i see the please leave your message for i see the pop-up that
I get letting me know on the one screen but it doesn't materialize on the phone app oh this guy
won't pick up anymore please leave your message hey don't call me stupid motherfucker he is stupid
how come how does he not know what the dimensions mean how long you living in America you don't
speak the language you don't know what what it means what are the dimensions you know if you're
gonna live in a country you'd love it embrace it learn the language don't be like Chinese people
We don't assimilate.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Subtitles by the Amara.org community
I can barely hear you.
Is it Mexican food?
It is.
Okay, I want to let you know that I'm trying to take a shit in the toilet.
To take a shit in the toilet.
I cannot help you with that.
What can I do?
Do you want to make an order or what can I do for you?
Well, how long after I eat the food until I have to take a shit?
I need help to take a shit.
Aw, man, she don't like a shit.
Too loud there, man.
It's my heart, John Thompson.
Is there any help you?
Is this pizza my heart?
Yeah.
Pizza My Fart
Yeah, first time I've ever heard that one.
Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.
We are temporarily not accessible.
Well, they don't pick up the phone.
Shit in the mud.
Hello, Waffle House.
Yeah, hey, I have a chicken.
Hello?
Hello, can I have your name?
How do I make a food from the chicken?
Let me get you to my manager.
Okay.
I stole this chicken from the black guy down the street.
I stole a chicken from the black guy down the street.
Do you know how to cook chicken there? How do I kill chicken?
No, I don't. I'm sorry.
Do you have the big knife for killing the chicken?
Nope.
No? Can I use your toilet?
Did you want to place a chicken order?
Do you have chicken?
Yes, sir.
What kind of chicken do you have?
Would you like to place an order for chicken?
Yeah, well, I need to bring the chicken in and, you know, you prepare them.
I want you to kill the chicken and get the shit out of the chicken.
I just need some help with the chicken.
Hey Falco what kind of chicken do you have we can't we can't do any chicken over the phone you have to come in and order I'm asking did I order stupid woman what kind of chicken you have give me one second
Call Nation Madhouse Live
chicken after some time i'll i'll use the toilet right and i'll shit out the the waste product
that's the waffle house in the hometown that i grew up in i've been at a man i was there once
Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
The Biggest Laugh I'm gonna get tonight probably laughing on the show I've done my job
thank you for calling your local Waffle House we are temporarily not accepting to go orders over
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Hi, this is Brad. I'm calling from the corporate office.
Hi, how can I help you?
Did you receive specific instructions for checking your eggs to see if they've been recalled?
Uh, no. I'm not sure. This is the third shift.
Okay, alright.
So I just got here.
Alright, I need you to go into the refrigerator and take out two of the eggs, please. White eggs.
Okay.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Closed Captioning by Kris Brandhagen.com
I could just ask the Alexa over here if I wanted to.
Yeah, I'm sorry the incoming call line isn't working.
That sucks.
Let me test it.
405-396-6884.
I see flashing indications, but they don't generate over here.
I've already explained it.
Why am I explaining it again?
Yep, it's ringing for me, but it doesn't populate over there.
So, gotta check some stuff out.
That's gonna take some time.
That ain't gonna happen tonight.
Deal with it, bitches.
Okay, let's see if I can do something.
Waffle House
Swap Shop
Worsh Your A.S.
Worsh Your Face
Ford Windstar
400 OBO
Does Run
$400 for a van
You could sleep in that van
Cook meth in that van
Windstar
Arrowstar
That was such an ugly van
Ford Arrowstar
Came out like an 87
For the first time
What an ugly man.
Let's call this number here.
For the Ford Windstar.
Mr. Biggs has a Ford Aerostar.
He drives a Ford Windstar probably.
He's like, I got onion beer in here.
Jerks off on it.
He jerks off on the onion beers.
Not with the mouth.
It's like the, you know, he and me.
This guy also needs a bath.
I'm either away from my phone or driving.
Leave me a message.
Get back with you as soon as I can.
Now you all have a blessed day.
Thank you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, motherfucker.
Have a blessed dick here.
Hello.
Yeah, you got a Ford Windstar for sale?
Uh, yeah.
It's got kitchen cabinets and everything in it and a vanity, a bathroom vanity inside?
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
I'm looking for kitchen cabinets.
Okay, to put in there?
Yeah.
In the Windstar?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The Windstar's for sale.
Yeah.
And I'm looking to buy some kitchen cabinets for my house.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, so you don't live in the Windstar van, do you?
No, no, no.
God, no.
You ever do any fornicating in it?
Yeah, I guess so.
That's the sound of a fornicator.
I have two bug puppies for sale.
I think he means pug.
Bug.
Bug.
I got a bug boobie.
What was that?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I do all the fucking I could.
I'd be a fat kid in a van driving around.
It'd be awesome.
No, the name is Mertis, Arhawk.
Shut up.
Encyclopedia Brown over there.
You don't know anything.
Dabber.
Hey, this is Penny.
Leave me a message.
Pussy lips Penny.
Do you got a baby?
Exposist to ass to peeing people's butts.
Nice.
Hello.
Hi, is Penny there?
This is she.
You got them puppies and bug puppies?
Prank Call Nation Mixler
bbd walker shk new expo
bbd walker shk walker
bbd walker shk walker
bbd walker
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
I'm crazy about Indian. I'm crazy about you.
Talk to me.
Listen, no.
Don't ever dare to call again.
Do you have sister?
Don't ever dare to call again.
Do you have sister?
Do you have sister?
Bring your sister. Come front.
Bring your sister in front of me.
I didn't send a mother to an Indian.
Madarchod, tiri maaki chut Come here you fucking bastard if you have balls you baile, chhakke, saale, pijde, do kadi ke padwe How dare you call me you fucking bastard, tiri maaka dosoda Chalo, alright Alright, that was, that was okay Ooh, I found the New India Chat Cafe If I get, they're gonna ask if it's a shit cafe New India Chat Cafe Is this New, hey dude, this is New India Shit Cafe? Yeah, yeah Shit Cafe, alright
All right, good. So then after I have, do you have chicken tikka masala?
Yeah, I have. We have.
After I eat the chicken tikka masala, how long until I take a shit?
How long until I take a shit in the toilet?
Give me a second.
Hello?
Yes, hi, gandu. I'm asking how long after I eat the chicken tikka masala until I have to take a shit in the toilet?
Hello?
No, nobody.
He put his woman mom on and she was upset, apparently.
Is this a shit restaurant?
Hello?
Is this shit restaurant?
Hello?
Is this shit restaurant?
It's a Shan restaurant, so that's what I was asking.
I'm done for now. I'm going to take a break. I'll be back in a few minutes.
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