Shit Machine
18 May 2019 · 1 h 16 min · 4,283 words · source
Calls (13, 39 min of 1 h 16 min)
- Madhouse Live caller demands break live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Prank Call Nation delivery fee complaint live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Lafayette Music Company asked about tripe ivr 2.6 min clip ↓
- Life Storage VR nudist group meetup request live 4.8 min clip ↓
- Seafood restaurant asking for whole fish ivr 3.6 min clip ↓
- Madhouse Live intro playback playback 4.6 min clip ↓
- Labrador Retriever found reported live 33 s clip ↓
- Kitchen staff mistaken for family live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Truck stop gas pump prank live 2.8 min clip ↓
- Rooster for sale at Sea Falcon live 2.8 min clip ↓
- McDonald's drive-thru order live 7.1 min clip ↓
- McDonald's pho delivery complaint live 48 s clip ↓
- McDonald's voicemail message live 4.3 min clip ↓
Transcript
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live
I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito
That's my big amigo, so just kick back to listen to this cat call
People, when this show goes live, I'll be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'
Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen
Madhouse Live
The King Do His Thing
It's time for Madhouse Live
Speak up to the man in the madhouse
Show love, just stick your motherfucking hands up
Some come close, but they can't get it right
Let the king do his thing
It's time for Madhouse Live
Let's go
Oh yeah, hey
I'm in the bathroom with the hookah right now
Okay, will you guys come here?
I'm putting you charcoal briquettes in it
Okay
I'm in the bathroom
Alrighty
Okay
Okay, all right, is it okay if I do the hookah in here in the bathroom? Yeah
Oh, I messed it up, oh
Hey, I'm Abaqua. I'm sorry. I am Abaqua
I am Abaqua okay, and I'm coming there for cocktail I want cocktail, but I don't want a woman bartender
I'm Abaqua. I'm Abaqua
Yeah, hi, I am abaqua. Okay, and I want a bartender. Who's not a woman a dirty woman a dirty Cuban woman
Yeah, listen, I'm waiting I'm here you are here for what I'm here I'm waiting for my food motherfucker
Come on. I'm waiting. I'm here. I want my food
What do you mean order?
I have an order, let's go!
Bruh, bruh
Can I help you?
You have pho? Pho? You have bombo huy?
Yeah, we have bombo huy
Okay, and does the Vietnamese man pull out his pecker and piss in it?
Second, please
Okay
Can I help you?
Are you the Vietnamese man?
Uh, do you mean as if I speak Vietnamese?
Yeah, come on, DD Mao, hurry up
Hello?
Hello, first of all
Who is this? Is this the Vietnamese man?
Okay, listen with the bumble way is too hot. It's too hot for me. Yeah, what can I do?
It's too fucking hot it's just it's too intense it makes me cough it's so like the flavor, you know
How can I bring the heat down on it?
Can I add like something acidic like can I piss in it or something
I mean, you can take away things if you think it's hot.
I can ask them to put less chili sauce or less chili.
Well, it's too late now, motherfucker.
Who the fuck you mad at, bro?
Man, you're fucking stupid.
What do you mean by that?
How am I going to go back in time?
I cooked for you.
Do you have a Vietnamese time machine, stupid?
Did I cook for you?
Well, someone there fucking did.
Man, you go talk to them then.
You're fucking stupid.
Bitch, shut the fuck up.
I'm asking how to make it not as spicy now.
Fucking guy.
Fucking idiot.
Who are you?
I'm gonna order some for tonight for dinner motherfuckers. Yeah, my wife's out of town all weekend
I just can't help you. Yeah, listen, I've been getting pussy all weekend motherfucker. Are you the man that insulted me?
No, sir. Isn't there a food that I can do that'll bring down the heat on the shit
The only way you can bring down the heat is by cooling it off so you can just let it wait
No, the temperature not not the that's not the temperature man. You're confusing me
Listen, I'm gonna shave your head if you don't stop it pay attention
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
frequency yes as in you have to do other reiterate that sir reiterate it uh the frequency
you know the level well normally it's supposed to be pretty spicy so Kenneth what's the frequency
tell me okay shout out to Dan Rather if you understood that reference good on you and that
was actually I'm trying to see if I can play the song wasn't that uh who did that song you don't
Do you understand what's the frequency, Kenneth?
Do you mean I've been hot?
It's supposed to be hot like that, sir.
But this is ridiculous.
It's fucking red, you know?
Well, that's the point of the...
This is too much.
This is a dangerous level of spiciness.
Sir, that's not a dangerous level of spicy.
This is going to hurt when I shit it out in the toilet.
That's why I'm asking you how long it's going to take to let the shit in the toilet.
Oh, it's working now.
Oh, that burns.
Make it stop.
Madhouse Live
Get it now take a break when they get here. I guess see I didn't want to do a show now
It's ruining my full time. No, I want to do a show. Fuck you. Michael Stipe. Fuck you
Are you I'm you fucking AIDS patient looking motherfucker? Oh
I guess I'll do that. I'll put a grubhub order in and when they get here
I'll take a break now
I gotta take time out of the show in order to do that
So if you want to call and join the show you may the numbers four oh five three nine six six eight eight four four
405-396-6884
Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Editing
Verification
Code
Damn it
Killing me Uber
That's it
Okay
There's the code
Sorry YouTube
I didn't have you on
For the beginning
Prank calls
You didn't miss much
You heard the end
Of the Vietnamese call
That was okay
God damn
Fucking fees
$10
$6 delivery fees
Service fee of
$1
$65
And then tax
Is $0.66
Jesus
Call me
Yeah
Tip your
Your people
That deliver
Your Uber Eats
Grubhub
Prank Call Nation
Hello and thank you for calling the zoo of Acadiana
If you know your party's extension please enter it now
The zoo is open weather permitting 7 days a week
Our hours of operation are 9am to 5pm
Our admission prices are as follows
For children ages 3-4
They're closed
From the chat room what am I smoking on
Actually, I took a couple dab rips, really big fucking dab rips of Durban Poison.
Some Durban Poison shatter that I got here.
Yep.
Alright, Lafayette Music Company.
Calling Lafayette Music.
Our store is currently closed.
Our regular business hours are Monday through Friday.
Hi.
Hello.
What's beef tripe?
Okay.
Hey, what's tripe?
What's tripe?
Asshole.
It's like, did I die?
What?
I don't know what tripe is.
Asshole.
All right, sir. I'm gonna hang up now for what for what? Oh man. I didn't have my camera on YouTube my bad, man
I'm fucking YouTube up tonight
That was the Vietnamese restaurant again
Excuse me. I almost lost it here
He just sounds so dismissive asshole asshole asshole
Oh, where did you give up so I'd seek the old earth?
Hello, and thank you for calling Life Storage.
Please listen closely as our menu options are changing.
Si desea hablar con un representante de habla hispana, por favor presione 8.
If you would like to speak with someone about getting new storage, please press 1.
If you are a current customer and would like to make...
Hello, and thank you for calling Life Storage.
To ensure the highest quality of service, this call may be monitored and or recorded.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Okay.
You know how the phone goes?
You got to turn the speakers down because we got echo.
You're like really close to getting hung up on.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Yeah, I don't know how to do it, man.
I'll just listen in.
All right.
Why?
Why do people have problems with that?
Why?
It's to turn your speakers down and listen on the phone machine because it's a phone call.
Hello.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Thank you to Trump Tard for donating $1 through Super Chat on YouTube.
Not Just Dating
8 Play Party
You didn't leave a message, so I don't have a shout-out to get out for you.
Kids 10 and under.
Arcades and our very own pizza.
Fun Nation also has its own summer and holiday camps.
You can register online.
Please visit our website for all the fun info you need.
FunNationLA.com
Save time.
Book your party online.
Please listen to your selected option completely before proceeding.
At the end, you will have the option to talk to a manager on duty.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Blah, blah, blah.
Yes, hello, I'm trying to book an event.
I have some questions first.
We're a VR nudist group.
We use VR headsets.
You know what that is?
Yes.
Okay, and we want to do a meetup.
We all know each other through a VR headset chat,
and we all hang out naked with the VR headsets on.
So we wanted to come there and kind of hang out.
Y'all hang out naked?
Well, I mean, is there...
Do you think we can make that happen after hours or something?
What are you saying?
Hello?
Hello. Hi, we're a VR nudist group.
Uh-huh.
And we wanted to come and have a meet-up there, like an event.
Okay.
Okay, do you have Wi-Fi?
For when?
Do you have Wi-Fi?
We do.
Okay, yeah, good.
Is it good Wi-Fi?
Because we're going to be using our virtual reality headsets while we're nude.
Okay, and where would y'all be posting it at?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Closed Captions by GetTranscribed.com
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Thank you for calling Sky Zone in Lafayette. For parties and bids, please press 1. For general questions, please press 2.
Matt.
Ding our ass. About to hang up. I don't even remember where I'm calling right now.
Oh, Trampoline Park. Busy with all the fucking kids at the Trampoline Park going,
I want to take Matt to the Trampoline Park while I'm in his wheelchair. I want to bounce him up and down in the wheelchair.
beer going everywhere beer and stickers all over the place
beer and cactus stickers
i'm just messing with matt i don't hate him he's my buddy
fuck your mom
fuck hi thanks for calling don how can i help you hi hi this is don seafood right
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Good, how are you?
Good, do you have the whole fish?
We have catfish, redfish, and trout, and salmon.
But like the whole fish.
They're all filleted.
I don't want them cut up, I want the whole fish with the eyes and the head and everything.
Oh no, we don't serve that, I'm sorry.
Oh, you know what place that does? Because I want to fuck it, like a dolphin does.
I don't want to hear this song.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
Just talk to them, you know?
Four? Two?
They don't, they don't shout.
Tell you clothes off, you know?
I'm gonna get in and talk to them.
Have you tried getting in the hotel?
No, but I know two other girls that did and they made it all the way up to the 12th floor
and then one of the policemen got you and put them all the way down again.
I mean, there's no way you can possibly get in to see them.
Will you keep trying while they're in town to get in to see them?
Yes, we will.
Are you a Beatle maniac?
Well, you can trust us.
We're not gonna fight you or grab you or something.
Motherfucker
Fucking answering machine
Let Me Know How It's Going Down In The Phone Click Then Once Again It Ring With Directions To The Lab When She's Doing Her Thing To My Surprise When I Arrive She Got Her Legs Caught I Got Her Red Hot And Bless The Wet Spot Forget Me Not Someone here looking for an apartment to rent must include utilities in the rent. That's a recipe for disaster for a landlord. Could you give us a sample? I can't help myself. I love them. Do you have a favorite? Yes, John. Why? I just love them. Honestly, they're style. Never, they'll never go out of style.
Tell me the truth now, which group do you like better than the Beatles all the time? I love him before you
The fuck is it with the rest of the vellum it keeps coming on your fucking arrest of development
Nums lock stop working
I only work
Please leave your message for
All that work for that
God damn it
Alright Labrador Retriever found
Hello?
Hi.
Hi.
You found a Labrador Retriever?
But it says there's an ad here that you found a Labrador Retriever.
What do you mean, no?
Why are you trying to keep my dog, motherfucker, you?
Motherfucker.
Ah, sounds sneaky.
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I have returned sorry for blowing out your ear machines everybody let's see
what prank calls I can muster up here before big Dwight McClanahan
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank Call Nation Madhouse Live
The Dog's Hittin' the Doorbells
His little bell's asking to get taken out
I can't, I'm doing a show now
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Yeah, but he accidentally he accidentally dropped the card and then he put it back in he bear
even have tables here we just have machines you just have machines
Yeah, what place are you trying to call the Dirty Indian?
Casino, oh, no this is a chat like golden Henderson. We just have machines you guys I have dirty Indians there
I don't have any dirty Indian people there shit oh so that's that's a pretty stupid casino
but when are you gonna get card game and we don't have it we don't have when you get it
when you get it fucking Homer you wait I can't right now you can hold it or go pee in the corner
I'll clean it later you have my permission you won't get in trouble he's been really bad when
Call Nation Madhouse Live
How can I help you?
Okay, namashka. How are you, sir?
I'm good. How can I help you?
Good. I wanted to make an order for a butter chicken, chicken tikka masala, and bhenchod.
Okay.
And do you perhaps have a lovely sister that I could see?
Maybe.
Maybe? That's all I get? A maybe?
Hello. Thanks for calling the kitchen. How can I help you?
Hello, namashka.
Yes, namashka.
Namashka, mamaji.
I don't know who's mamaji. Sorry, wrong number, I think.
Is there no Mama G there?
Fuck.
Hey, guy.
Oh, God, this is a terrible show.
Fuck you.
Alright, here's a truck stop.
Let's call them with my horn and be stupid.
And try to be funny.
Poor Homer's gotta pee.
I'm the only one here tonight.
I got to take him out. He's gonna have to hold it. Thank you for calling by your bell truck stop. This is Jocelyn. How could I help you?
Yeah, I'm here. Who am I talking to? My name is cross. I'm a truck guy. I'm here. Come on. Come over here
Okay, uh, what pump you on?
For you, let's get this shit going. I'm on pump one
Yeah, nobody's at pump one. I'm right here
Is there a man that I could talk to you? Maybe you're stupid. My name is cross. I'm at pump one
You're on pump one. There is no one.
Fuckin' my horn.
Yeah, you're not.
Are you sure you called the right place?
Yeah, this is the truck stop.
By your bell?
Yeah.
Get out here!
Why do I need to go out there?
I need to see you.
Pumpin' gas.
I don't know how to make the machine go.
I'm from New Jersey. I don't know how it goes.
Usually you just honk your horn at the guy and he comes and starts pumping it for you.
Not at my gas station. I don't hear you honkin' your horn.
There's nobody on pump one.
Well, I must be fucking invisible man then all right. I'm right here. I'm looking right at you in the black car. Yeah
We'll come out here for what for kissing
Yeah, do you know what lady? Do you know what labia is?
Yeah, hey, I can I get some shit to drink shut up Homer shut the fuck up idiot
C-Falcon
Hey, C-Falcon, how you doing?
Hey, C-Falcon.
Good, it's good to hear from you, man.
Oh, am I a YouTuber?
I guess I am, I do YouTube stuff.
I'll need to update it more often.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's a place in Indiana, it's a private owned pharmacy, it's called Butt Drugs, because their last name is Butt.
Why would they name it that though? Yeah, I know it's your last name, but come on, use something else.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's gotta be my last name.
Yeah, you could call them, they're not open right now, but you could call them and tell them that you need drugs for your ass.
That's exactly what I want to do.
So you'll be sending this to me someday soon somewhere?
Yeah, I can send it to you over Facebook.
Facebook works. That's cool.
Yeah.
All right. What are you doing?
I'm trying to call a lumber place.
They ain't going to pick up. I guess it's too late.
Oh, someone's got a rooster for sale. Here we go.
Yeah, it's a rooster. That would be perfect.
Oh, I hung up on the guy.
Sea Milk, whatever your name is.
Sea Falcon, call back. I fucked up.
I think he said Sea Falcon.
Which is silica's there's no Falcons on the sea. Hello. Hello. You have a rooster for sale
Okay, does the rooster do any mating right now
Yeah, that's a lot of hens I got like 20 hens in a pen and they're really horny, you know
And they're giving me a hard time like you hear the one I got over here right now
She really needs to get a good dick in. So I was thinking if I got a rooster could fuck I'm really good
You know, how big are his sexual organs? Hello? Okay call back sea biscuit sea falcon
Sea falcon saying it's probably Chris or something. Sea falcon. I love falcons
They're the most dangerous animal. Falcon can beat a bear or a fight. Kid says. Hi boy. Right for sale
Rope for sale.
Hello caller you're on the air I didn't get to it in time shit sorry caller my bad all right no rope here we go rams and bulls for sale here we go that's something I can work with cuts instead of copy so I get one shot at this don't hanging in there homie I'll get you out there don't worry buddy
Becky I'm not able to answer your call right now
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Try again.
Next one is a Coca-Cola sign for sale.
Ooh, yeah, I gotta get that.
I need to get a piece of American propaganda.
Let me take a sip of my Coke Zero.
Good news for me tomorrow.
Surge Zero with no sugar or calories is being released in freestyle machines in Burger King across North America.
I'm super excited.
Gonna be there at opening tomorrow.
Get my Surge on, you know what I mean?
I remember man in high school 1997 my senior year
Surge got released and after school one day the coca-cola company came with a bunch of coolers
full of cans of surge and they were giving it out to students uh on the way off of campus
and everyone including me I went back like three times I would I would get a can put in my bag and
Go back and get another can I have like four cans of this stuff
That's it's so sneaky marketing just here. Give it right to the kids. Hey, it's surge
It tasted just like mellow yellow to me. Remember like a tartar mellow yellow like they took the mellow yellow
And just made it stronger, you know added more didn't water it down as much
I thought it was a good drink. So i'm excited to get the sugar-free version tomorrow matter of fact
I should try to call Burger King to confirm that.
Here's the problem, though, with fucking Burger King, you know?
Usually, lately, I've noticed when you call them, it always goes to a machine.
But I can try. I'll give it a shot. Something to do.
We got about less than 30 minutes till Dwight McClanahan starts his show, and then we'll be off air.
This is what happens every time I call a burger.
Always goes to a fax, every time.
It's been like that for a couple years now.
So I can't call to confirm that, but I'm excited.
The pee-pee dance. I'm gonna have to go.
I'm coming back for 10 minutes
Nothing's really popping off anyway
I think we'll wrap it up
The poor homer, he's gonna end up peeing
I don't wanna clean that up
He's suffering right now
He's whining over there in the living room
Alright homie, I'm coming
Hi, McDonald's
I'm sorry?
Hi, I went to McDonald's
I went to the drive-thru
Okay
And the lady gave me my food before I even paid
What did you get?
I got a double quarter pound deluxe
You're calling the right store?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Yeah! Hope Dwight has a better show than me.
Don't worry, guys. You guys will be fine when Dwight Machine goes on the machine.
I got my pho over there. It was super hot.
The guy that delivered it, his name was Bill.
And he was like, it's really hot.
I think he burned himself with it.
But it's like, yeah, pho needs to be super fucking hot because it gives you raw meat with it.
It has to cook in it.
And if it's delivered, they make it really super...
It felt like it was in the microwave for ten fucking minutes.
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I make my own movie now. I did that last two weeks. I didn't like the movie that was going on. Yeah, screw it.
Oh man, I watched Apocalypse Now last night. Oh, it was great.
I did that instead of doing a show, and I think that was good.
I watched the Redux version from 1997 that has like the 49 extra minutes of footage.
Man, that is a good movie, Apocalypse Now. Fucking...
And it reminded me of Top Shot's part in Duh.
Because Charlie Sheen, of course, is son of Martin Sheen, who's in Apocalypse Now.
Hot Shots Part Deux
Call Nation Madhouse Live
It's fun. It's like MST3K, except not as funny.
Alright, so have I sold it enough?
And be sure to head over to madhouselive.com.
I'm just shooting for time.
Okay, bicycle for sale.
He doesn't sell phones, so he's leaving a message with his name and number.
I'll give you a call back soon as I can.
Phone 6 for sale.
Let's be stupid and funny.
Man, the last couple shows have been kind of stinkers, man.
I had a really good show before that.
What a piece of shit phone crossbow for sale. Hell. Yeah, she's a zombies like Daryl today, man
I stopped watching. I used to love walking dead now could care less
It turned to the lost turn into lost everyone on that show disrespected Rick. I didn't care when Glenn died
I was happy died for disrespecting Rick splitting a group up who have reached the voicemail box of three three
empty wine bottles for sale
So I'm definitely going to the meetup in October in Chicago.
We just picked a new venue for it in Arcade.
We're going to have a room to ourselves.
I believe it's in October, but I am definitely going.
It's going to be great to see Big Mad Hillock and all my friends.
Dwight and all that.
Bragg won't be there.
Parkman.
So start planning now to go to Chicago.
Late September, early October.
I'll get you a date as soon as I can.
Facebook
Hobocon
Madhouse Live
I'm gonna send you a recommendation for Hot Shots Part 2 I'll be sending that to you in a moment
Big Alex with a super chat also thank you Trump Tard also donated a dollar through super chat
all right and and an additional two donations from Trump Tard but no messages from those folks
so they don't get a message right out from remember if you ever send me a donation like
that on YouTube a super chat during the live show I will give a shout out message whatever
ortaly
Jack
saying that I make them sick or some shit like that it was really worried
hurt my feelings
you know I'm not gonna play here because I make myself look as good as I can
how play that is one way you know you
You fucking suck ass Fucking bore me to death And Yeah Sometimes it's just hard to get through Five year bullshit You're so white Why would you just sit Why would you just not listen to the show Don't listen Don't come around And don't be around If you don't like it that much I don't know why You're putting yourself through Is that what you guys think of me Really Is that what you guys really think of me
I'm just gonna go. The show's over. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'll go forever.
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