Buzzzz
13 Jul 2019 · 50 min · 3,592 words · source
Calls (10, 19 min of 50 min)
- Mexican Circus prank call live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Hobby Lobby asked to bring in a bed live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Kettle at Steinmark tie return live 48 s clip ↓
- Seamen hair salon discrimination call live 2.3 min clip ↓
- Medium size argument at restaurant live 5.1 min clip ↓
- Ordered steam from restaurant live 33 s clip ↓
- Called Garrett for photo session live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Called Pastor about car noise live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Lowe's lumber department about backwards wood ivr 2.6 min clip ↓
- Boston Mayor at Long Wharf Hotel IVR menu ivr 1.1 min clip ↓
Transcript
This is the American Forces Vietnam Network
Woman, I tell you what, you listening to me?
Fuck Mexicans, man
Except for, like, Don Devon, he's cool
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live
I hope my speech can't compete with that Badmouth style
That we get from Carlito, that's my big amigo
So just kick back to listen to this cat call
People, when this show goes live, I feel like, damn, this shit's bitchin'
Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen
You can catch me in the back of his home
Madhouse Live
Hey, is this the Mexican Circus? Hello, this isn't Mexican people circus
I want to jump
It's just me I'm 40
I want to jump man. How are you gonna let me jump? Don't they have an adult?
Don't you have like an adult night or something where we adults can
I'm jumping right now up and down
I'm jumping on my bed in the hotel room
Presuming that's what she was talking about my jumping. I love jumping
Jumping
Okay jumping everybody there's a Jag TV sex tape nice I got audio over right here
Sounds like Jag it does sound like Jag
I got a feeling that is Jack TV yeah that's what he does after he blow dries
his nut sack all right Jack TV did a show this week that was fun
21 of the Americas office hours are Monday through Friday 830 to 530 if
you've reached his message during office hours we are helping a customer have it
They're closed!
F..ing
It's alright, I'll find a mattress store where they'll let me jump up and d..
Calling Hobby Lobby in Phittipur. How can I help you?
Hi!
Hello!
Hobby Lobby?
Yes!
Okay, I'm gonna bring in a.. a bed.
To the store.
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
Alright, can I back it in? Like, from the back?
I believe so, yes.
Alright, I'm gonna bring in inside the store.
Okay.
Because I love to jump up and down on the bed.
Okay.
Yayyyy! I'm doing it now.
Yay!
Okay?
Okay.
Alright, you wanna jump up and down on the bed with me?
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project.
I don't want the fire alarm to go off
You're lighting fire alarms in the room?
Fireworks in the bathroom
I don't think you should do that sir
Room 115 you said?
I don't even have nobody in that room
Well the door was open
I just opened the door and opened
Are you sure you're calling the right hotel?
Cause this is Howard Johnson
Yeah this is stupid Hojo
You said room 115?
I can send officers over there as well
No don't you dare
I just need the fire alarm taken out like disabled from the computer
Okay, but nobody's in that room. Which side are you in?
Uh-oh, we got a glass problem in here now
Officer coming, man
Oh man, officer coming, man
Hey, you dirty monkey, you
I'm just kidding, you're not dirty, you're a very clean one
But for the third time, let me leave this obituary
Randy Walker, better known by his stage name Stretch
Tupac Shakur
appearing in his music video that will produce songs on the album
Apocalypse Now, Strictly For My Niggas, Thug Life Vol. 1, and the scrapped album Troublesome 21
from which most of the tracks were later used for Me Against The World and Are You Still Down, motherfucker.
Yeah, motherfucker.
Okay
Who we call now guys
I'm doing a show
I don't know why I'm just kind of going through the motions
Here I didn't feel like doing a show
Yesterday so I
Postponed it today and then
As day went on today I was like I don't want to
Do a show I don't know
I'm here whatever
You guys are happy I'm here I'm sure
Wootfee
Who do I call now?
Looking at the list
The map, rather
Great day at Steinmark
This is Kettle
How may I direct your call?
Your name is Kettle?
Kettle, yes
Kettle, you're as big as a kettle?
Like a big porky kettle?
Like nice and round?
There you go
That's what it is
Right
Alright, so hey
Hey, I got a tie from you guys. I don't like it. I didn't pay for it, though. Like, I just walked out. You know, I tied it on my shirt around my neck and I just left. Can I change this trade to send without a receipt?
No, sir.
My wife is real upset because it doesn't match our outfit.
Well, I apologize that she's upset about it, but since she did not pay for the item, you definitely cannot return it.
Well, this is an interview. It's an important interview I've got.
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
Not at this location.
Uh, what brand ties do you have?
Let me speak with somebody else and they can give you all the details on that.
Am I placed you on a brief hold?
Who was it you were transferring me to?
Ewan.
Okay, hurry up.
Alright, I will. One moment.
Move it. I think we'll let go.
I love Skype.
There's a business here called Seamen, yeah.
Hey, motherfucker.
Hey, Big Ethan. How you doing?
Good, how are you?
Pretty good. Good to hear you. Do you have a bad echo at all? Anything I should know about?
Do what now?
Madhouse Live
I think they closed at 5
I'll probably call that one first
I got like a really real vibe
Like a really real stare at me kind of thing
And I first thought of people like to turn people away before
Wow
Yeah like I was the only white guy in there
And I had friends that went there
And they weren't like refused to serve
But like they waited for like over 2 hours
And like other people came in that were black
And they got they came in after heated
And they got their hair cut you know
Well, you know, those people are homer. What are you doing? What are you eating boy? Oh, please hang up
He doesn't even pick up the phone for white people
Or Puerto Ricans. Yep. They're pretty white. Yeah, I know that
Certainly couldn't pass if I had no idea your Puerto Rican. I couldn't tell yeah
You said I was the widest Puerto Rican you'd ever seen. That's true
Looking for a licensed electrician with the violence CDL. Are you reach Andy with the night corporation?
I guess I should do that.
Yeah, then try them again.
It's very close, the caller ID. I was using the area code.
Oh, I got you.
But, nah, it won't work.
Sir, I can't make it to your wedding, man.
Oh, it's all good, man.
You know what? Maybe her and I can come out and see you guys.
Yeah, just with the Chicago meetup and everything, it was kind of hard to get that all squared away financially.
No, it's all good, man.
Yeah, we'll come out and see you one time.
Come out and see me.
Thanks for calling D-Reals with Seminary Dam Studios.
Crossroads Studios
Now located on 100 Crossroads Boulevard 78201
We're excited to be your source of dance nutrition and wellness.
Please feel free to leave a message and for a faster response text message me thank
you
Fuck you
What number was that?
That was a different one I had and I'll go back to yours now
With the Nikon Corporation please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as
possible
Try the fucking pizza place fuck it if you won't
Yep I'm doing it
Want some pizza and pasta how can I help you?
Yeah hey can I get a pizza machine?
What can I get for you?
Uh I don't know I don't know I don't know
I want one plain pizza, one plain pizza, one plain pizza, one cheese pizza.
So you want one plain cheese pizza and then another plain cheese pizza?
No, I said I want one plain pizza and one cheese pizza.
Ignorant?
Uh-huh. Okay.
Okay.
And can I get a name?
Yeah, my name is...
So Great Wall Chinese, she hates it when you ask for medium-sized portions?
Dude, she flips out.
When I go to the past, sometimes I'll call them like a legit order, like a small, general style, a large, whatever.
And then I'll drop in a medium like halfway through and then she'll, you know.
Aren't you afraid she's going to do something to your food?
I wouldn't mess with her.
Yeah, hey, I'd like to make an order.
Go ahead.
Alright, like one medium general style chicken.
We don't do medium.
Shut up. I want one medium general style chicken.
We don't do medium.
What do you mean you don't do medium?
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Madhouse Live
Medium, asshole.
That's what medium is.
Are you ignorant?
Medium is a size.
Medium is a flavor.
It's a flavor?
Yes.
It's an intensity.
How are you going to tell me what you can do and what you can't do?
You don't even know what medium means.
And you're saying you can't do it?
I'm talking about the size.
Why are you your size queen?
You're like obsessed with size.
Okay.
I don't know what size you want.
We can't make an order.
I thought you hung up, ignorant.
You know what's medium?
Your brain.
Call National
you listen you take a large you take a small and in between is a medium okay we're the restaurant
okay we decide what we put i am the customer i decide i am the consumer it doesn't matter if
you're a customer regardless i'm gonna tell everyone you're saying this i'm gonna tell
everyone what we put on the menu is what you order we just don't do it well this is a free
country and if i want to order medium i can order medium that's not how it works it's a free country
i just did it what's gonna happen is the great dragon gonna come and burn me up and fire so
So I could go to a bank and say, I want $100 because it's a free country. That's not how it works.
You can, you can say that. Just like I can say I want a medium.
Okay, well you can say you want a medium, but we're not going to serve a medium. We just don't do that.
Alright, well don't get upset at me for saying medium.
I'm not upset.
You said shit motherfucker to me and you said that the great dragon was going to burn me up.
You said the great dragon. You people pray to the dragon, don't you?
Yeah, whatever.
Pray to the dragon.
I call the bank say I want a hundred dollars must be the Sun must be you
know how those Chinese women are about their sons oh yeah yeah Alexa order one
plain pizza one cheese pizza no I didn't say that did I it's plain what
does plain pizza mean to you there's no toppings on a plain pizza
What kind of pizza is that? I'm not asking for ketchup bread.
Put ketchup on the pizza.
Your sauce tastes like ketchup. It's crap.
Well then maybe you shouldn't call us anymore, okay? Have a great day.
Whatever.
May I go home and help you?
Yeah. I'd like to make an order.
Can I go ahead?
I want orange chicken. Hold the orange.
Okay.
Alright. No chicken in that, please. Vegetarian.
How's that possible?
Well, you take out the chicken and you take out the orange.
So then all that would be left would be broccoli. A few pieces of broccoli.
I want a box of steam.
Steam Broccoli
Steam What?
Just steam!
Steam is the gaseous form of water.
Oh, okay.
So you just want a box of steam?
Yeah.
Okay.
Alright, and no jokes.
Don't fart in the box and be like here you go, okay?
Okay.
Sure, no problem.
Alright, how much for steam?
It's going to cost you nothing.
Okay.
Cool.
Well get started on that, alright?
Do you have the recipe for steam?
Yeah, yes we do.
Alright, good.
What size?
Thank you.
Can I get that medium?
Mmm bye.
Mmm bye.
I don't know if that's possible
Is that Garrett?
What?
Garrett? Garrett?
Yeah, this is Garrett
I need a photo session
Photo session?
Yeah
I'm confused. Why? You need a photo session?
Yeah
I don't take photos of people. Where did you hear about me?
Well, your number was passed on to me that you're a photographer
Oh, okay. Well, I mean, I do take photos. It just sounded like you like
Are you stupid across me like that? What are you stupid? Are you stupid? No, I'm asking you because you may do
Assess for photo session you like I'm a photographer, but I don't do photos. I can't tell if you're joking right now
I am serious 100% serious. All right. Well, you're calling me up calling me stupid. Well, no, I called you Garrett
I asked if you were Garrett first you said Gary you stuttered a little bit and guard. I mean guard guard
esperar
you
who are you
GA
shut up for a minute please
garratt
who are you
g-a-r-r-e-t-t that's garratt
garratt
alright who the fuck are you
i'm cross
what
cross
okay
and i need photographs
um yeah you might have to call somebody who's a professional i'm not a professional
do you know how to photograph a fart
um
i keep trying to take selfies on my fart but like it doesn't show it just you know
have you
I'll take a couple photos of you, but have you ever seen the top of these say what the property no the top of me
I'm not doing this with you're gonna do some kind of word game with me
Do you want to know who gave me your number was the end of the end of the dicks about to be in your mouth boy?
Are you going boy fuck up? Don't play him. Don't play my own game. Oh, you sound like a boy gar
Yeah, I go. Yeah, I see him in my order bugger
But what's the guy's deal? He's pretty jerky
You know that guy?
Yeah.
Does he take pictures of you?
Is he going to be at your wedding?
Take a picture of your wedding?
No, my cousin's doing our wedding photography.
No, not that guy.
Oh, what's your cousin's number?
You want to call him?
No.
He finds it funny probably.
He does a lot of freelance stuff.
Nice.
Is that Andrew?
Hi, Pastor.
Speaking.
Yeah, my name is Cross.
I have a car problem.
Your number was passed on to me.
Hello?
Who gave you my number?
Eddie.
Eddie.
Eddie.
My car's making a noise when I start it up.
Who gave you my number? Ed who?
Ed. Ed Frohman.
Here I'm gonna start my car. Shut up and listen.
I have no idea what that is.
Do you have any idea what that could be?
He has no idea.
Damn.
Oh it's supposed to say that I got my car worked on at a shop. Oh okay.
I should have read the whole thing. Damn it!
That's right.
Damn it!
Did you try the second one?
Did I not?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
I don't know what's on the car. Okay, well, who? I don't know this ad.
I'm trying to understand the situation here. First of all, if you guys want to go to your car.
Car worked on at your shop and it's running like shit now.
It makes a noise.
Hey, you need to tell Andrew he's an idiot.
Next time talk to him.
And play this call for him.
Alright.
Have you done any roulette lately?
No, it's been a while.
I could do that.
I could find a Loebs.
I got your second number to do still too here.
Just to warn everybody, I'm not in a good mood.
I'm not feeling it.
I feel weird.
I had a hot dog.
I don't think it hit me that well.
7-Eleven hot dog?
Yeah.
I had a gas station hot dog.
That was a bad idea.
Hey, what's up?
It's Cooper.
Thank you.
Please give me a chance.
Thank you.
Please record your message.
Stupid Cooper.
Let me get the Lowe's number.
Are we doing the famous Lowe's or a random one?
Well, a random one.
Famous Lowe's is on your tricks by now, huh?
Yeah. Last time I called, they were like, oh, it's that guy calling for Chris again.
I got that feeling. I'm like, oh, it's him again.
Yeah, Chris and Larry.
The same one, right?
Yeah, one of those guys that says he has two different, two names.
Poor Larry.
To a world.
Press 2 to reach a department directly. Press 5 for to speak with the operator. Press 0.
Come on!
Please hold.
What'd you pick?
5. It didn't work. It was too late.
Aww.
I'll call back.
Have you ever tried Home Depot roulette? Or Home Depot always sucks to call?
Mmm, I don't think I've really messed with Home Depot.
Thank you for calling Lowe's. For information on deliveries, press 1.
Commercial sales, press 3. Appliances, press 4.
4. Transferring to lumber and building materials. Please hold.
Yeah, you got some of that nice wood.
I was gonna go ahead and come over there.
Yeah, is this lumber?
What was that?
Is this lumber?
No sir, I can connect you with lumber though.
Well look, the lumber, I bought some lumber down there to make a treehouse for my son and it's backwards.
Hello?
Okay, ignorant.
This Lowe's blows.
Yeah.
One of them busy Lowe's where you can't find anyone to help you.
Yeah.
Where do you shop at? Lowe's or Home Depot?
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Matt Baz Milkman Thomas Trank Prank
I did have to exchange recently my headphones because they they broke and I had them under the repair plan the replacement plan and that's I'll tell you what I had the best cut I mean I never had such good service that did it at Best Buy the few week couple weeks ago they were really super fucking nice and friendly the whole time very helpful very nice about time yeah I was yeah they're friendly learned a lesson because Amazon's eating their lunch eating their lunch yeah they are the ongoing joke for a few years ago was that Amazon they were basically Amazon showroom people go to Best Buy
Check out the stuff before they go to Amazon and buy it.
I mean, I'll admit I've done that before.
Yep.
I don't think we're going to get picked up here.
No.
Hey, you know what's a good prank idea?
Call like a CVS or one of those stores that does the, you know,
thing where they walk out to your car and say that the cashier or the associate patronized you for sex.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah, that's a big no-no.
You can say they were flirty when you found them defensive.
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project.
Madhouse Live
But it's always Ronnie. It's always Sal and Richard doing gay stuff, which is funny. It's always him going at Benji. It's the same shit, it's different.
I was actually listening to a replay of stuff today, some older stuff, and he's just going off on Ronnie.
He's like, he goes off, he finds reasons to go off on Ronnie sometimes. It's like, shut up.
Yeah.
Ronnie asked for it, though. Ronnie's always a dick, though. He's always like, what the fuck you want? What the fuck?
I find that shit funny after a while it's like okay how many times you guys
yelled each other about Ronnie's driving Ronnie you know yeah I like listening to the uh the shows
from like 07 06 of our years yeah so golden years when the first one with the satellite
shit was going good oh yeah are you a Benji fan or not so much yeah he's a good writer because
I know a lot of his shit that he writes is funny as hell but he still has a personality he's not
Call Nation Madhouse Live
Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project.
I just want to watch TV and play video games I think I'll do that I'll be on Dwight does a show
tonight which I'm presuming he does I have no reason to believe he's not that'll be at 10 p.m
eastern 7 p.m pacific I'll join Dwight as I usually do if he'll have me presuming that he
will he always does thank you for calling the Boston Mayor at Long Wharf Hotel oh if you know
your party where'd that come from dial to the following menu room reservation where'd this come
Falling Marriott
Falling Marriott
If you know you party's extension, please dial 1 now.
Please listen closely to the following menu options.
For room reservations, dial 2.
For reprints of a guest folio, dial 3.
What's a guest folio? Why would someone need to call for guest folio? What the fuck?
For calling Marriott, fall may be recorded.
Please see our privacy statements at
Laugh Blah Blah
Alright then guys, y'all enjoy the rest of your Saturday up until tonight
When you'll hear from me again hopefully
Until then, I bid you a doo doo
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